5:30 am

Sleep eludes me. It comes in spurts of about 15 minutes. I hear his voice, much like he spoke to me as a child. I feel his presence while I sleep, yet when awake he is no where to be found.

I cry as quietly as I can. My eyes are swollen and red. For the kids, I need to remain strong, yet it has become difficult to even get up and use the bathroom. I have no strength left in me, physically, emotionally, mentally. Where do I find this strength from, for them, so they do not fall apart.. I haven't a clue.

I'm disappointed in myself, for not being stronger for my sister, my kids. I don't break down around them. They see a strong tough independent woman, not a woman who has no self control over herself. I feel darkness everywhere I look and go. The heart hurt is nearly unbearable. There is no joy, no happiness, no laughter in my home. Only pain, heart hurt, feelings hurt, confusion and much wishing things were different.

The boy handled the news far better than the girl and I, though he is having trouble with it, he held up when faced with the news, wanting to skip school again today and drive back down to Az. This simply isn't a choice, though if I had the money, I probably would go back, but I spent my bill money and have just enough to get some groceries to last us till I get paid again on the 3rd. Even the new life we have in the house, 4 little kittens do nothing to bring a smile to my face.

My entire being feels as if the life force has been completely sucked out of me. I think about when we buried my gram and don't believe I have it in me to bury my father should it come to that.

I think about how I wasn't much of a daughter, not a good one at least. I was willfull and headstrong, doing it all my way. Having being kicked out of my mothers home at 13, unable to stand living with my father because of his wife, I lived on the streets until nearly 15 when my beloved gram talked me into going to boarding school, in the same town as my father lays in a coma now. I think about the years I refused to speak to him, simply because he was being a father and I didn't "need" a father by then, having already grown up and been on my own for so long.

I think about when my oldest boy was 8 months old and my father at 40 had his first bypass surgery. How everyone went across the street to a resturant and got drunk, but I came from Northern California with my little boy and instead went to my mothers home, who is a nurse and learned about the procedure from her. Only to get blamed for not being a good daughter because I didn't want to get drunk with the rest of them. Something not above my stepmother for saying. I imagine she is thinking/saying that now as well, though I don't care that much this time, what she thinks.

I remember when my girl was born. How he came from where he lived in Tucson, to So. California to meet his new grandchild, his second one and how proud he was of his first and only girl grandchild. The apple of his eye. And how he came the moment the boy was born, smiling proudly like a grandfather would and talking baseball even when the boy was only 2 hours old. He never had much time with my oldest boy, who lived in California with his father, so the boy was basically the only boy he ever had and he looked forward to coaching him in baseball and just having another male around, since there were only girls around him. Me, my sister, my daughter, him. Bringing the boy into his life, made him very happy.

I still wasn't a good daughter. I gave him the kids, the only good thing I ever did for him. His love for my children is fierce, unbreakable, unlike any love he feels for the rest of us. They are his reason that he wanted to continue living and for the new baby coming at the end of the year, his first great grandchild. I hope that his mind remembers this, while he lays in a coma, his chest open, machines all around him giving him life, keeping him alive.

I've always said I have no regrets for the way I lived my life. Yes, I did it my way, though at various times, I had no choice. But as I sit here this morning, I find myself with many regrets, the biggest one...not being the daughter that I could have been. I wish I could teach this to my own children. Sadly, they will have to learn this lesson on their own, it is nothing I can teach them. I can only tell them of my experience, but as much as they like to say they are not like me in any way, they are very much like me. Wanting to do it, their way, without thought of others around them.

Perhaps there is truth in those words many hear as children, something to the effect of a threat I suppose, not one I ever heard, but one I've heard others say. How they will get what they gave when they were children... apparently that is what I am living right now with them.

My mind is racing. The heart hurt continues. I beg my grandmother and my grandfather to not take their oldest child, not yet please. Not sure what if that helps or not, I simply cannot think of anything else to do.

He is here with me, I can feel him, I can hear him. I think I have reached that edge of insanity, that this was the push needed to send me over the edge. The tunnel is black, there is at this moment, no light at the end of it. I can't turn around, there is no light on the other side either. Which way do I go? I can't go backwards, yet going forward scares me beyond words. I know I must walk through this, the best I can, yet my best doesn't feel good enough. These are feelings I've had my entire life and I had thought I no longer held these feelings of worthlessness, of not being good enough, but as my fathers mortality stares me in the face, I realize I still carry these feelings of self loathing, that I'm not and never was good enough and perhaps, I will never be good enough.

Regardless of what happens in the next week or so, nothing will ever be the same. My realtionship with my children will be changed forever, my relationship with my family will be changed forever and I'm not so sure these are good things. I will be belittled by my fathers wife, for not staying during his surgery, even knowing that he asked me to bring the kids home. I will not win in any of this, even if he pulls through and I will once again be "that" daughter, the one who does as she pleases. Rationality does not come easily if at all, to this family. I have been the rational one all my life, yet I seem to have lost that somewhere in the last 24 hours. I seem to have lost much in the last 24 hours. And should he pull through? He will follow his wives lead and I will again be the daughter who does nothing right, no matter that he told me what to do and I did it, he will not remember that, as he was on painkillers, something he never takes but has been while in the hospital and it has clouded his thinking even when not on them. This I know to be true, as my stepmother told him I had said something the other day, something I never said nor would I and he came down on me for it, no amount of denying it helped, as always. She holds a power over him that is unexplainable.. he has always allowed her to treat me like shit and in turn, he did the same. It wasn't until he got sick this time, that we got closer, our relationship seemed to be that of a father and daughter, instead of conflicts and arguing about trival things all the time...

I'm just so drained, so lonely, so alone and so lost.

Doing what I'm told..

My sister went in to see him. Told him that I loved him. Said he looked peaceful.

Glen has ordered me to bed, no medications so that I can hear the phone if it rings in the middle of the night. Glen makes sense always and he's very supportive of me. But, I'm not sure I'll be able to sleep tonight, especially without my medication.

I'm waiting for Minden dude to come online so that I can talk to him.

My sister will go again tomorrow to see him and is going to call me and put the phone to his ear so that I can tell him I love him.

I guess there's simply nothing to do but wait and take care of my kids. I understand it is all out of my hands, I have no control of what is happening or what is going to happen, intellectually... but try to tell that to my heart. My brain has accepted this, my heart hurts and doesn't or won't or I won't let it, accept that I am so powerless over what happens from here.

I want my father. I want that man that was such a pillar of strength for all my life, not the one that is laying in a bed in ICU with his chest open wide while in a coma. It just seems so unfair. My kids have no father in their lives, he was their only male role model and now what? I know, no one ever said life was fair. Shit, I just lost my beloved gram 4 years ago, how do I get through losing my father should he not pull through this?

All I want to do is get drunk.. numb the pain, my first coping mechanism... get loaded when the pain is too much to handle. You'd think I would know better and really I do, getting drunk will do nothing but, yeah, numb the pain.. but the pain will be there when I sober up and who knows what crap I'd do drunk, it's been so very long since I've tied a good one on and the last time just wasn't pretty. Behavior so unlike me when I am sober. Not sure I want to relive that again. I just want to not hurt inside. That's all I want, to just not hurt and I don't know how to not hurt...

I'm so very tired. Bone weary tired. I've been up too long, been crying for hours.. every part of my body hurts and when I think of that, I think how selfish am I? MY BODY HURTS??? Can't be anywhere close to how my dads body feels, I'm sure. It all just freaking sucks.

This is life, in the fast lane. Faster than I care to live it. Someone slow it down, please.

I guess I'll just do as I was told, lay down and close my eyes and try to sleep so that I can be there for the kids in the morning and after school. Wish me luck.

What do I call this?

The surgeons came out and spoke to my family. My father is in a coma. The right side of his heart wouldn't start and they couldn't place the LVAD in him. They left his chest open, to watch the bleeding and in the hopes that the right side starts working again, if it does, then he has another surgery and they will place the LVAD, but he really isn't strong enough for another surgery, so I don't know where that leaves us.

I'm all alone here in Vegas. I knew I should have stayed, but that would have gone against his wishes.. though it's not like I've ever listened to him before, not since I was 14, he even said so when we had our private talk. NOW I pick the time to listen to him. What an idiot I am.

My daughter thinks I hate her and no amount of me telling her that I don't, that I love her more than she could know is helping her to feel better. I don't have the strength for this, she thinks I blame her and I don't. I can't get her to believe me, even though I've held her, told her I don't blame her, I don't hate her that she is my only baby girl and I love her with all my heart. That I did what her Papa asked me to do. To take care of them. That is what he would want.

I feel so fucking helpless up here, all alone, scared and dammit I could use a real stiff drink right now, but my kids have never seen me drink or drunk and I don't have alcohol in the house, so I'm shit out of luck....

The girl wants me to fold clothes with her. Says it will keep my hands busy and maybe my mind on something else, but all I want to do is crawl under my covers and sleep and not wake up till or if he does.

I want my dad. I want to be with my dad. I don't care what they say, I know he would know I was there, even in the coma. He would know. I could just kick myself for leaving. Why did I pick now to listen to that ornery stubborn man...

I guess I have to fold clothes since she just put them on my bed and is sitting here folding them... god I love this girl, she is so much stronger than her mother.

Please send prayers or whatever you it is you do, believe in... anything. He needs all the prayers and positive thoughts he can get.

Home...

After a long drive and umm.. heh being pulled over for speeding... 85 in a 55 work zone just my side of Laughlin, NV... I'm home...

When he pulled me over, I started crying and telling him about my father and I was sorry about speeding that I wasn't paying attention that I was talking about the surgery to my kids, anything I could think of and at the same time as he was at my window they called me to give me an update on Dad, I asked if I could answer it and I repeated everything outloud that was told to me... I got lucky.. couldn't find my insurance card, but he only gave me a ticket for no proof of insurance, a fix it ticket, thankfully! I really didn't realize I was going so fast and kept my eye on the speed from there on to home. I was very lucky and am thanking my lucky stars for not getting that speeding ticket which would have been a lot of money... a work zone, double fines 30 miles over the speed limit.. NOT GOOD!!

Dad went into surgery at 9:30am, Az time, 8:30 Vegas time. I was there at 5am hoping to get some alone time with him. Not really able to do that and then before surgery I did get about 5 minutes alone time, long enough to tell him I loved him. There are tons of people at the hospital now, waiting for him to get out. The last update I got was a few hours ago, letting me know that they repaired the leaking valve on the right side of his heart as well as the bypass on the same side and they began the LVAD at that time. I haven't heard anything since, but I'm pretty sure he will make it through, he was very determined, scared but determined...

I learned a lot about me this week, my parenting skills pretty much suck. My kids have both told me that they hate me and all I could say to that was that I loved them and they could hate me all they wanted, but my love would never end.

The stress was simply too much for all of us, without our own spaces to retreat to like we usually have. I love my kids, I would lay my life down for them.. but I won't be abused by them in anyway at all..

I've told them that it is time for me to have a life of my own. To date and be able to meet men without worrying about what they thought. I put aside my own needs for many years, after my youngest boys father and I split up, I was too gun shy to date and I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't bring men in and out of their lives, so for the first 10 years of the youngest boys life, I never went out, I never dated and ahem.. no sex for the most part... There were a few men in my life, but nothing serious and the kids never met them and I never spent the night away from them. I may have stayed out till 2 or 3 in the morning, but I was always here when they woke up... I'm here when they go to school and I'm home when they come home from school which I felt and still feel that is very important.. but it's also time for me to have a life.

I still don't think it's proper to bring men in and out of their lives, though I have made a couple of mistakes with that, like Joe. Even Minden Dude didn't come to the house, though he did meet the kids when they were little, though they don't remember. Because they have mentioned it, from now on the only man allowed in the house is Glen, my best friend and well.. friend with benefits best friend. The kids have known him for as long as I have 4 years and we really are just very close, but no relationship there for us... He doesn't want that type of relationship which is fine with me, I think we work well together as it is, he is the one I call when I am in trouble, when I am hurt, when I need something and when I just want to see how he is doing and he is ALWAYS there for me, no matter what. He takes care of my house when we are in Az, feeds my animals even cleans up a bit. He'll even have man talks with the boy should he not feel comfortable coming to me... The kids like him and they understand that we are simply best friends.

Minden dude is still around, well he is up north at home, but in contact with me everyday. I want to give this a chance to see where it will go, if it can go further this time. He's a good guy, though the passion wasn't really there this time I saw him.. I talked to Glen about it and he brought up a good point, that it was the first time we had been together in 12 years and maybe Minden dude was trying to find his way, like me. There must be something there... He's been looking for me off and on for 12 years and I have thought about him off and on for the same amount of time, though I never made an effort to actually search for him, he actively searched for me and finally found me. So, I don't know where it will go. Long distance relationships are very difficult. And I'm not particulary thrilled with the distance and the inability to spend time with each other to see if we fit. I think it's important for that in order for each of us to make a decision on if we want to be with each other or not... I suppose time will tell.

I also met someone a few weeks ago that I am very attracted to. I "think" he is attracted to me, but neither of us have made a move, other than to say that we'd like to make out.. heh I sound like a freaking teenager.. but I FEEL like one sometimes, instead of a 44 year old soon to be grandmother.

I feel like my life is just spinning right now. So much going on I'm not sure which way to turn. I think the most important thing for me right now is to focus on the lessons I learned this week about being a parent, about becoming a better parent than I have been. Though my daughter just came in and said that I can't now start parenting her at the age of 18, I beg to differ. I can still teach her things, things she needs to know to make it in life, to have a productive and good life. I can still guide her a bit, but the boy needs more than I have given him. He's more of a concern than the girl, I trust her to make good decisions and to come to me when she can't make a decision and needs help. The boy mentioned that I can't help him, that there are things that he can't come to me about because it's man things and that is when I told him that all he had to say is he needed a man to talk to and Glen would come and talk to him... but the boy mostly wants to be with his grandfather, wants to talk man things with him. For now, that's not possible.

I have more to write.. but I'm going to take a break for now and call down to Az, see if there is anymore news. I've thought a lot about this blog in the last few days and I want to share it here. I will later.. for now I need a break, I'm exhausted, worn out, stressed out and rambling quite a bit.. I guess now we know why I first called this blog, Ramblings of everything and nothing... Cause I'm a rambler... especially when I am tired. I need to go pay attention to my dogs, who've missed me and clean up the house a bit, since I left it in such disaray. I'm not a good house cleaner as it is, another thing I really need to work on...

Till later!

Surgery, Kids and me

They've bumped the surgery to tomorrow, Thursday. I am so freaking torn. My daughter hates me, my sons think I'm the worst mother...

There's been nothing but tension here. My daughter has deadlines for school on Friday that she didn't tell me until today. Now I must drive home, while my father is having life or death surgery....

I'm so stressed out that I've said some horrible things to my daughter, things that even an apology may never fix. The kids just don't get it. They've never had a father in their lives so they aren't able to understand how I feel.

I just feel like shit all the way around. I can't win with any choice I make and it sucks right now...

Leaving

I've decided to leave on Thurs morning. They don't need me here for the surgery, I can't stand being in this cramped room with my kids anymore and the girl has a commitment that she needs to fulfill Thursday evening.

The boy and I had a huge fight, the girl and I had a huge fight. For the first time in the boys life, at age 13, I smacked him. I never hit my kids, the stress is playing on all of us and none of us have our rooms to go hide in when the stress level gets to high...

For the last month, I haven't held down one meal I eat. I throw up after 3 bites. Usually when I am getting close to having my band tightened again (which is next Tuesday) I can eat without throwing up at all. Mostly, I just can't eat the first week, but it's been 3 weeks or so now since they tightened my band last and I'm not sure if it's the stress or the band. So I really have to get to the doctors about this.

I'm going to come down during the week in a few weeks by myself and help out as much as I can. I just can't justify right now spending more money that I don't have on a hotel and food, when my sister can be here and her fiance and keep me updated on the surgery. Plus, I can't take the kids and frankly they can't take me either, we really are cramped here and we are all use to our own space and we haven't any here.

I managed to go to IKEA and find the shelves that I want. I can't fit them in the jeep with the kids with me, so when I come by myself, I'll go and pick them up. It'll help organize my house better, a place where I can put my candle making stuff, rather than having them all spread around the dining room.

That's it.. Ive nothing else in me to write about. I just wish we could get along.

To stay or not to stay

They are doing the surgery friday. They don't need me here for the surgery, they may need me here for after the surgery, to give my stepmother a break here and there...

The kids have missed a ton of school this year because of his illness.

I'm torn, not sure if I should go home tomorrow or Thursday so the kids can get back to school, and then I can come back down in a few weeks, by myself during the week.. or take my daughter home on Weds and come back down on Thursday.

My daughter never wants to be here and we've just had a fight where she walked out telling me FU four times. I told her she was grounded and she told me no she wasn't. She's 18, still lives with me so I think I have that power.

So, I'm torn. They don't need me here, one kid wants to go, one wants to stay and I can't really afford to stay here till Saturday.

Oh and his surgery.. is 8 to 14 hours long.

The Angioplasty

He came out of the angioplasty fine, so far. Have not been to the hospital yet to see him...

Now we find out about the other surgery and when they can do it. I am hoping that they will do it tomorrow. Need to get it over with so that he can heal and come home and start living again. Surgeons have agreed to do the surgery, which I'm thinking is a good sign, but his kidneys and other organs are beginning to shut down, so they need to do something quickly, before it gets worse.

Prayers still needed. Not out of the woods yet.

Still looking...

For a new word or words, to replace the word "hoops" for when I do the Monday Giveaway. I've gotten a couple of responses, but would love to hear more..

Original, creative, those will catch my eye.

And if I pick your word(s) I'll send you one of my 100% soy handmade candles, scent of my choice!

Visit Hoops for more info and to leave a comment! I know you've all got the creativity gene going on, come help a sister out, puhlease!!!!!!

Because..

The Girl You Don't Bring Home To Momma did it... I for some reason just had to do it. *eye roll* I am curious, what that thing is on that girls head?

You Are Lukewarm

You feel open and generous sometimes, but you don't always feel like being friendly. You're not naturally outgoing or curious about people. Being around others drains your resources. So considering how you feel, you're actually quite warm. You do your best. And you often find it easy to be warm toward the people you like the most.

How Warm Are You?

Monday Giveaway and Product Review...

Since I'm not home this week and I didn't seem to get much response to the book I'm offering, I've decided to let it go for another week... Please visit Monday Giveaway to see what the book is about, especially if you have children or grandchildren!

I think I mentioned that I won't be able to ship the last winners their items for another week, please understand! I will ship them out as soon as I return to Vegas, I promise! I believe I have every one's address that I need.

Next Monday I have something in mind that I think many will really like! In the meantime, if you follow this blog and you want in on the giveaways and product reviews, please make sure you follow the other blog, since that is where all of it will be from now on, other than reminders here of the new page.

I'm working real hard (or I was till my family stuff came up) on getting some unique items for reviews and giveaways. If you have a unique item, perhaps you have handmade items that you have listed on Etsy or eBay and would like some exposure, I will gladly review your item(s)and offer a giveaway to my readers.

Not Phx, but Scottsdale... and more....

We arrived safely in Scottsdale after an uneventful drive here, well, other than the hour backlog going over the Hoover Dam as usual... I am going to go through Laughlin on the way home I think. It adds 30 minutes to the drive, but really it takes 30 minutes or more off the drive, since Hoover Dam is always over an hour to go over, damn tourists and homeland security!!

We went straight to the hospital and spent a few hours there with Dad. He was in better spirits than he has been in the last few days, I found out why he was so upset, for some reason he thought the doctors doing the angioplasty tomorrow would come to him and tell him there was nothing they could do and send him home to die. He was convinced that would happen... today the doctors came in and assured him that that was not going to happen. That the angioplasty was routine, they just wanted to get a better look at the right side of his heart, make sure there weren't any surprises when they went in to put the LVAD wire in... they'll take note of anything that might need to be fixed, by doing the angioplasty and when they go in to do the LVAD, they'll fix what might need to be fixed. That lifted his spirits a lot, not to mention the drugs for pain that he is on!

My stepmother, as usual was difficult tonight. She actually hasn't been that difficult lately, but tonight she was and I wanted to bitch slap her (not the first time I've wanted to do that). I have to walk out of the room, cause her and I could really go at it and it would stress my father out tremendously, she won't act like an adult, so I must.. nothing new for me!

There's been conflicting information given, so I'm kind of playing it all by ear right now... Weds, I'm going to take my daughter to Tempe for an orientation for the Peace Corps. She was supposed to go Tuesday in Vegas and really was bummed that she wasn't going to be able to go, but we found out there's one on Weds in Tempe, so I'll take her there if she wants.

The boy has the a/c on here in the hotel room which has the room like an ice cube! He's trying to freeze us out for sure.

Dad was very happy to see the kids, so it's worth it coming here even though we probably will be hurting finacially for a few months trying to catch up, but in case he doesn't make it, it's important that the kids have this time with him. They are very close to him.
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Minden Dude called me around 9 to let me know that he was nearing home. I was worried as a storm was rolling in up there and I knew he would be driving in it. I really like him, however well.. to be graphic... the sex could be better, uhh.. much better. There wasn't really any passion and I need passion, kissing and all that.

He'll probably be back down in March, for the gun show in Vegas. He called me babe when he wanted me to come to him, he made sure when we were walking (when we went out) that my hand was tucked into his arm, so everyone knew I was with him. He wore his colors every where... (Ok, what are colors... He belongs to a Motorcycle Club, like let's say.. the Hell's Angels, though that's not the club he belongs too.. every motorcycle club has colors, their emblem. Both him and I have experience with the HA's (which I really shouldn't mention but I think I am safe on my own freaking blog) and his club is in both California and Nevada, but for now I'll keep the club name to myself, just in case since right now I'm so close to it) so, he wore his colors every where we went. Thus if anyone else was out and about, they would see me on his arm and think I belonged to him, which means that I am left alone.. but I don't belong to him, at least not now... oh well, not like we went to the places that I know others like him would be.. I kind of played stupid when he asked where we could find them... we did go to my regular friday night place to sing and he and his friend were quite surprised that I could sing!

I told him that I was average, but they both thought I was much more than average. He wants me to come up to Minden and sing with some of his brothers (brothers=motorcycle club guys)I guess one of them has a band or something and he says, "You'd put Doc to shame with your voice!" Problem is, I sing only country... well, some Elton John and if they don't know the music how can I sing?

He said he wasn't disappointed, that yes, I was a bit heavier since the last time he saw me (uhh...12 years ago!) but since I was working on it, he was fine with it. I think the last time I had my band tightened that she tightened it too tight. Everything I eat, I throw up. It was pretty embarassing last night when we were at dinner. I kept having to go to the bathroom. If I was skinny, you'd think I was anorexic and I think I've lost a lot more weight this month as the fat under my arms looks grosser than usual.. you know, the bat wings? I did go to the electronics store with him and his friend and while they were looking at computer stuff, I went to where the Wii stuff (of course) was and looked for another work out Wii game. I found one that I think will be perfect for me! If you watch "The Biggest Loser" then you'd be familiar with the female trainer, Jillian (I think that's how to spell her name) well, it just so happens that she has a Wii game out!! You use it with the Wii fit and there are 3 different things to do, one is weight loss workout, another is strength building and the third is cardio (I think) it's the weight loss workout that attracted me to it the most, plus I have seen from watching the show, what she has done for others, it's incredible!

I think I have an appt this week for my band, but I need to rescedule it of course. I was pretty anxious though to go, to see how much weight I have actually loss this month, I think it's going to be more than my usual 8-10 pounds, due to not being able to keep anything down. (well, I did eat some jelly beans the other day and didn't throw those up! Great, lots of calories!)But, they won't tighten it this next visit, since I'm having trouble keeping food down... Usually by the 3rd week of having it tightened, I eat more than I am supposed to, which I think is the reason I only average 8-10 pounds a month, though they tell me that I am right on target, that it is average and I am losing it like I should, slowly. We shall see next time I get weighed!

Ok, so I need to post about Monday Giveaway....

My bloggyland friends

I am just now on my way to Phx, to be with my father. I don't know when I'll be back, but I can take the internet with me....
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I'm not able to send out the prizes from last week, but I will when I return, please be patient.
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Had a nice time with Minden dude. Like him, but need more passion. More on this later.
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Please pray, light a candle, whatever you do for my father. He has a big decision to make tomorrow. And we have to live with whatever decision he decides.. which may be more difficult than we can deal with.

Finally...

Have heard from Minden Dude, he'll be here in less than an hour. I am actually looking forward to seeing him and hope that I look nice enough for him...

As scared as I was those many years ago, this man has always had a powerful hold over me and apparently I had one over him, if he was looking for me for so long.

I'm dressed in a pretty little dress, hoping it's not too short.. well it wouldn't be too short for him, but we are going out so I'm hoping it's not to short for going out! I have another one, just in case.. though I know he will like that this one is so short, he's just like that...

I had to take 2 xanex's to calm down from the phone call about dad today, as I was afraid I might break down crying the minute I see Minden Dude and that's no way to begin... though I do have to tell him what is going on with Dad..

I just need to be held and I know he will do that.

I'm not taking my computer, though I may come back home and get it.. if needed. So don't worry about me if you don't hear from me for a few days, I'll be fine.

Dad

Well, it's come down to it now...

He is too weak for a heart transplant, they will not put him back on the list.

The left side of his heart, is gone. They are doing tests on him Monday, to see how bad the right side is...

He has 2 choices.

Come home to Vegas and die within the next few weeks.

Or, if the right side of his heart isn't as bad as they think, have the LVAC (LVAD) wire put into it, with the hopes of giving him another 5 years or so... however, the chances he would make it off the table during the surgery is 50/50.

Those are his choices.

This is not a good time for the Minden dude to be coming down and I have no way of reaching him. I need to go to Phx. I may have to wait till Monday morning though, cause I also have to pay my electricity bill or we won't have any when we get back. I am torn. He talked about going to Phx tomorrow, to the gun show, so I would get to see my dad too, but dad wants to see the kids. I don't mind going there without them tomorrow and then going again on Monday, though I can't really afford it, I'll do it..

Please say a prayer, light a candle, whatever it is you do, please do for my father.

Minden, Dude...

Minden dude comes tonight. I have no idea when he will be in. I've been waiting to hear from him, asked him to give me an hour before he gets to town so that I can do my thing...

If he drives like me, 320 miles, about 4 hours, but I have a feeling he doesn't drive like me, he mentioned he goes the speed limit, doesn't want any tickets...

So, I don't know what will happen. This is the man that has been looking for me off and on for 12 years now. We spent some time together 12 years ago, but I wasn't ready for a relationship of any magnitude back then. My relationship with the boys father had been a bad one, break up was bad and I was afraid. So, Minden dude and I lost contact. I went one way in my life, he went another way in his.

And then I signed up on this biker personals thing, like e harmonany or some sorta thing like that, but for bikers (yeah, maybe you didn't know that I'm a hard core biker bitch, tattoos and piercings, use to run with 1%'ers (outlaw bikers, can't mention names though) won't get on the back of anything but a harely don't put that honda in my driveway either, damn rice rockets... but I digress) He too joined the site, the same time I did. HOW he found me on it I've no clue, though I've carried the moniker "wisprnsoul" for 15 years now or so, maybe that's how he found me...

I think that I am about the same weight I was back then, maybe a bit smaller than I am now, but he knows I am working on the weight issue.. it's an issue for me, for him, not sure - I guess I'll find out tonight. Right now, I am in bed, under the covers deciding on a nap or not, even though he could be in town within the next couple of hours, IF he left Minden when he said he was.. I have a bag packed, since we may go to Phx tomorrow which would be nice, he wants to go to the gun show and I want to see my father...

Like I said, who knows what will happen, once we see each other again. There was a spark once, but I was too afraid of a relationship then and now... not so sure again, having not had much luck with men lately. But, I am trying to go into this with my mind and heart open..

Wish me luck.

I fucked up and I can't take it back...

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I'm 44, 45 in August, soon to be a grandmother and there's something terribly wrong with me. One moment I act like someone who has it all together and everyone comments about my great attitude and the next moment, I act like a heartbroken teenager... WTF??

I got pissed. First off, what the hell was I doing looking at his freaking myspace page again??? Finding out more truths I guess. He has a new addition to his friends and calls her his dark angel... yeah ok, more Christian hypocrites URGH!!!!!!!!!!!

And then I went and did it. It was like something took over inside of me, something I couldn't control...

I wrote the email. The email I wasn't going to write, the confrontation I was letting go of... and I can't take it back. Not that I would... but still I never wanted to do that in an email, I wanted for some reason to see the look on his face, the blood rush out of it as I told him I knew.. I said that I probably would not return to church and IF I decided to (I really did enjoy it there) I would not be sitting next to him and he could tell people whatever he wanted to tell them. I'm not such a shitty person that I would go there and badmouth him... I wouldn't, ever. That's just not the type of person I want to be and usually am not like that.

I guess I do it a bit here, but this is my blog and this is about me. As for him, he has to take responsibility for his part in all this and it isn't for me to tell them the things he did when he went missing for a week... it's for him to do so, though I doubt he will tell them, he so wants to be baptized in Sept and telling them would put him out of good standing.

I could kick myself. Why am I acting like such a freaking child? I just want someone to hold me, someone I can hold back, someone to love me unconditionally and I the same. I keep meeting the same kind of men over and over... the girl says, "you don't have one night stands mom, you have 3 night stands" which pretty much sums it all up...

They hang around for a few days and then blow me off. And it's weird because I am the least clingy needy person around. I don't ask for anything, I don't cry, I'm strong, independent and don't NEED a man in my life... but shit, how I would like to HAVE a man in my life, not just any man, I've written it all down and put it in my God box and it hasn't happened. Well, that's not entirely true, they have come into my life, but they leave quick and I'm just not sure what I am doing anymore. I seem to have lost all confidence in myself as a woman, when I should be gaining that confidence, especially since I look good now, I've lost 60 pounds, I've still got a bit to go on that, but I look better now than I did 6 months ago...

I'm just so confused. And so alone. And I never should have sent that email, dammit.

Not your average soccer mom

Is having a giveaway. Check it out at Not your average soccer mom

I'm single, but would still love to win this prize!

Good luck!

Don't forget Monday Giveaway

Is still going on, just visit Monday Giveaway to see what it is and what you need to do to win it.

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I'm still looking for a new word to use for my giveaways, instead of the word "hoops". Best word in place of hoops, wins an all soy handmade candle made by me (scent of my choice).

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This week, I will be shipping out winner items on Monday Feb 23rd.

Skoy winners

I haven't heard back from 4 of the winners of the Skoys, so I am picking new ones, but I don't have 4 to pick, so here is 2 and I'll do another giveaway of the skoys another time...

Carolyn G
Mom2boys

Please email me your address at wisprnsoul@cox.net

Thanks!

Done, finished, fini, over.... and out

As I sit quietly here, letting go, I wonder why it is that I am the one that always walks this path of letting go, of being alone of moving on again. I can't help but wonder what is wrong with me that I can't find someone that sticks around. Someone worthy of my love, my heart.

The man, who we will now call Joe, did not call me yesterday as he said he would. And I didn't call him nor were any texts exchanged. I use to tell people, don't tell me you're going to do something and then not do it, because then I get disappointed. I have no expectations of others, until they tell me they will be doing something. Then I expect and then I am disappointed when it doesn't happen.

I'm done. I'm going to do my best, not to return his calls should he call, return his texts should he text me and I'm not returning to the church. Finished. I haven't and have no plans to even email him with my confrontation.

Done.

Just a reminder...

I will send these out perodically, as reminders for my Monday Giveaway. There is a new page set up, specifically for the giveaways. The address is Monday Giveaway

This week is a great book, if you have young children/preteens or even older. Check it out and don't forget to visit the site the book came from. You'll find the link on the post.

Good luck!

Frugal Mommy Giveaway

Frugal Mommy is having a great giveaway. A beautiful custom engraved keychain, with birthstones. If I were to win it, I would have my childrens names placed on it with each of their birthstones.

You can find out more about the giveaway by visiting Frugal Mommys site. `

I made a promise..

To Maggie of Okay,fine,dammit that I would participate/contribute to her project, Violence Unsilenced.

Though it's been years since my DV (domestic violence) experince, it feels like yesterday still. The wounds are still raw, thus I haven't been able to begin telling my story, but I promised, so I will be doing it.

I'll even think about posting it here, once it's done. It may be pretty graphic, however I cannot sugar coat it. It's important that others know, they are not alone, that there are ways out and they never have to live that kind of life again, afraid for their lives and even their childrens lives.

I've added her button to the site on top of everything else, as you can see.. that's how important it is to me.

If you are a survivor of DV, if you are going through it now and don't know how to get out of it and would like to contribute your story, please contact Maggie at one of the links I've provided above, or click on her button. You can submit your story anonomously if you are still in the relationship, she will protect your anonimity.

Dad

My sister just called hysterical, she's a bit dramatic, though I can't really blame her at this time...

My father will be having surgery next week, she doesn't know which day. They will be implanting the LVAC. I've googled it a few times and there really is nothing on the web about it, just a few snippets here and there..

Basically, they call this a bridge to transplant. It does for the heart, what the heart can no longer do for itself, pumps blood and makes your heart work, keeping you alive, while waiting for a transplant. I can't find the statistics regarding the actual surgery, though I suspect it is like any open heart procedure, 50/50 chance of getting off the table. However, because he is so sick, his chances may be slimmer. Life expentancy with an LVAC (or as the web calls it, LVAD) is 5 years. I think I've blogged about this already, but now it's a definite, with a date set and everything.

I may go down next week, the day before the surgery if I can get a date of when it is. The kids don't like to go down there, but they will to see their grandfather. They'll have to miss school, but my father is worth it and if I have enough time notice, I can get their school work for the days we would be gone. It's just that it is so expensive for me to go there, have to eat out, pay for gas and hotel.. but Dad is worth it. I sent a message to Minden dude, asking him if he would consider going there this weekend, on saturday. I'm sure he'll think about it and he may say yes. If it's a no, then I'll just go the day before Dad's surgery. I know that if I don't see him before the surgery and he doesn't make it off the table, I will regret it.

But, I have a good feeling. While this is major surgery and the risks are high, I have a good feeling in my gut, that he will make it through the surgery and as I told my sister, in a month he will be back to his old self yelling at us as normal. I got her calmed down finally.

It's not in my hands, I am completely powerless over this and know all I can do is keep praying for him, so if you are so inclined to, please send prayers his way, light a candle, think positive thoughts.. his name is Frank. Whatever it is that you do to send good thoughts and all that jazz, please do so. Thank you.

Therapeutic Reviews and Giveaway site

Check out this awesome product called DeQuart over at Therapeutic Reviews and Giveaways. Having lost 60 pounds since Sept, there are certian places that seem to not want to go away.. like my bat wings. Yuck!!!

The DeQuart takes care of that. It really looks like a cool product and while I'm telling you all about this, don't go and join the contest, ok, I'm kidding... go and check it out and join, just send it to me if you win... ok? Ok, thanks!

No confrontation...Men, they are just to much like wrong lately...

I asked the man if we could speak after services, alone, without interruptions, privately and he said, yes.

I looked good too. Put on a new dress, thigh high boots, makeup, hair... not hard to miss and fairly easy on the eyes.

We sit in a row of 5 seats. He sits on the aisle, then there's an empty seat, then I sit in the next seat, then there's an empty seat and another woman sits on the end seat. When her husband is there, he sits in the seat next to his wife, which is the seat next to mine. It was awkward because I didn't know where to sit. I ended up sitting in the seat next to the man and I was very uncomfortable, leaning very much to my right, away from him. I didn't even want for our arms to touch by accident.

So, services are done and he always walks me to my car. He tells the woman and her husband that he is walking me to the car and as it turns out, they are taking him home. There was no time for me to say what I wanted to say, I certainly wasn't going to make innocent people wait, not fair to them. I did say, "I could give you a ride home, but I suppose that wouldn't look proper." He didn't agree or disagree, nothing was said. He did ask what I needed to talk to him about and I just said, there's no time now...

So he said he would call me tomorrow and suggested that we have lunch this week. Yeah, that'll be a lunch that goes over well, I look forward to it. NOT.

He has till tomorrow to call me. If he doesn't then I will just write up an email and fire it off. Thing is, I know how to use my words, better when I write, than when I speak, that's not to say I don't speak well, only that on paper my words are more harsh, they come to life more than if I a speaking them and I even use big words that some people don't understand ha. I'll be meaner in the email, than I would face to face, because it's easier to be mean in an email than when they are looking at you face to face... but I need closure on this so that I can move on. I'm not sure why I can't let this all just go and put him completely out of my life, it's just what it is for now I guess. But, I will get my closure and I will move on...

In other news on the front lines...

Not sure if I've mentioned this before or not... when the boy was about 8 months old and the girl was about 6, I met a man that I dated for a few months. It wasn't meant to be, I was still reeling over the breakup of the boys father and myself. I was also very afraid to get involved with someone, I'd been through to much already. Plus, I only got to see him a few times a month, as he lived in Ca. and came out here from time to time. So it never really went anywhere. Now, remember the girl is now 18 and the boy is now 13...

I'm on a personal site that is called, Biker Planet, which I actually just joined about a week ago. And the first day was a message to me, saying "I've been looking for you off and on now for almost 12 years"...

Wow, news to me. Turns out he had just joined that site too, specifically to look for me. He'd changed email addresses, but kept his old one in case I tried to contact him. 12 years. Long time. He now lives in Minden, NV which is about 300 miles from me here in Vegas. It did take me a few moments to recall who he was, shut up, it was 12 years ago and I have an odd memory system that floats around my brain. Half the time I can't even remember what I ate for dinner or for that matter, to even eat each day at all.

He hasn't changed much. Still calls me baby girl and it seems like we just picked up where we left off, kind of weird actually. What should we call him... I think I will call him Minden dude for now. So Minden dude has a brother (not a blood brother, but a biker brother) down here and has made arrangements to come down here this weekend. Minden dude wants to see me again. Not sure I can do this though. Long distance relationships are difficult at best, no matter how the couple feels about each other. Plus, I can't usually just pick up and leave town on the weekends, I've got the kids, though the girl is 18 and can take care of the house, her and the boy fight all the time, so leaving them alone for a few days while I visit someone 300 miles away probably won't work for me. And I would never ask him to make the drive all the time.. yeah, I am ending it before it begins, talking like this, I know.

I am looking forward to seeing him again. We had some chemistry, but I screwed that up with my fear. Lately though I seem to be fearless. And there's been tons of men hitting on me, so my friends say, or they are calling me - even my kids are wondering out loud, where did all these men come from. I haven't a clue. I'm still fat, though I've lost 60 pounds, maybe it's the fearlessness that has overcome me. Usually men and women say I am aloof, I am standoffish, I've been called stuck up and unapproachable as well as other things that don't need to be repeated here.

Where are all the men coming from, I have no idea to be honest. They are crawling out of the woodwork and it's beginning to freak me out a bit. Minden dude is one of the most responsible men I know, the others well... they can use some work and frankly, I'm just not open to helping others become better people, unless they asked of course, however, I doubt I can help any of them out.

Maybe that's the attitude I give off and that's why they only stick around for a few days! Well not stick around, but stop calling me, if I've given them my number or they keep coming back to where I go and I don't really flirt, I do mostly act uninterested(probably because I am uninterested)But I did flirt with the man, surprised myself and probably because I had 2 drinks and I don't normally drink.

The ones that bother me the most are the ones that have no car and/or no job, which right away I turn the cold shoulder to. Come on are you kidding me? In your 40's and you don't have a car or a job? Been there with the boys father, not going there again with anyone. Maybe they think there's a chase that needs to be done with me, because I simply do not hit on men,(other than the man) and I keep to myself for the most part. I do spend friday nights in 2 different bars, just singing karaoke. I walk in them alone and walk out alone. Not one person can say they have seen me leave with a man, ever, including the night I met the man. I don't like drunks any how so it's no problem for me.

As I write this, I can see that I "am" unapproachable. I don't like to be touched by people I don't know, so when someone comes and puts their arm around me (usually the sloppy drunken dude who hasn't showered in a while)I politely tell them to get their fucking arm off of me. Heh. Yeah, I can be unapproachable at times, ok, most times.

So, maybe that is where all the men seem to be coming from, the thrill of the chase, a chase that I'm not doing on purpose and one that I doubt anyone will ever win again. I've resigned myself to the fact that I will probably just grow old alone with my animals and I am ok with this. Certainly I get lonely at times and yes, I would like to have a relationship, serious one, with someone, but the good ones are all married and the others, well, most of the others, are dipshits.

Oh and I should mention..and you'll love this one...

EVERY.MAN.I.MEET.IS.AN.EX-CON!! And most of them are felons, which means they have to be registered here in Nevada. It's some law that is really enforced. Even the man is a registered felon. (now can anyone guess why I might want to move out of Vegas?)

Ugh. Men.. they really suck.

Hoops?

On my Monday Giveaways, there are things one must do to be entered into the giveaway. Sometimes there are a lot of things for more entries, sometimes just a few things for extra entries and I may even just let people enter by leaving a comment only... I like to change things up a bit...

Anywho...for lack of a different word, I call the above "hoops". I'm sure everyone is familiar with "Jumping through hoops"....

My dilemma:

I really like to be original. My creative side has seemed to vanish lately, so I need your help, cause looking at the dictionary and thesaurus I can't find a more original name to use for the "rules".

Here is where you can help. Come up with a new name for me to use, instead of hoops or rules. And as a bonus...

I will send you one of my all natural soy candles, handpoured by me. A 5oz or 7oz candle, scent of my choice if I pick the name you come up with. How cool is that? I haven't even done a giveaway of my candles yet (which I will be doing in the next month or so hopefully) You can come up with as many names as you want, leave them all in one comment, or keep coming back if you think of a different one.

I'll be out of town next weekend, but hopefully will have access to the internet and will pick the winning name on Sunday. If not, then it will have to wait till Monday evening.

Remember, creative and original!!

Monday Giveaway and Product Review #3

To see this weeks giveaway, please visit Monday Giveaway and Product Review

Winner of the Skoys

Usually, winners of my contests need to contact me by Monday noon. I do this so that I can get things packed up and addressed, etc.. and then I can ship out on Weds.

Only one winner has sent me their address. Because I was late in getting out the winners names, I am giving the other 4 people (which I've reposted below) till tomorrow, Tuesday 7pm. I will pick new winners, should those who have won do not contact me by then.

In the future, I am changing the time to contact me by. It will remain on Mondays, however since many folks work and only have access to a computer at home, I'm changing the time to notify me. It will now be Mondays at 7pm. So, you have from sometime on Saturday, all day Sunday and till 7pm on Mondays to contact me with your mailing address.

The other four addresses that I need are:
Anam
Jenna
Andrea V
Wehaf
Thanks to all of you for participating! New giveaway going up in moments!

Monday Giveaway and Product Reviews

Monday giveaway to be put up later on this evening. Please go to Monday Giveaway for a great giveaway!

The Man and the Liar (very long)

First, I have to preface this with, not EVERYONE who is Christian are hypocrites or liars. I believe the majority are good people, however if my memory serves me right, liars are unacceptable in any religion and the biggest liars I have met in my life, also claim to be Christians. This is only my experience and it isn't to say that every one I have met that is Christian is also a hypocrite, but beginning with my ex mother in law, it all went downhill from there.

So, the man wants to concentrate on his religious studies. That's wonderful. I am fine with that, supportive in fact. I've even been going to church with him a few times and it's very nice, though I'm really not one for organized religion, so I don't know if I will continue to go. I did like it, I did learn quite a bit, I began to understand some things that had never made sense to me before. I'm just not sure that my spiritual being, my spiritual beliefs, my non religious beliefs, will allow me to continue. So far, I've been doing my very best to keep an open heart and mind to his religion, for me, not for him, although his passion about it when we first met is what attracted me to him and what helped me to decide to go with him to church, to see what it was about, to see if the passion would overflow to my own spirit.

Now, here's the deal and why I am conflicted. We can't be together because, says he, his religion does not allow it. He's not single, technically he is, but legally he isn't since he hasn't gotten a divorce, thus that makes him not single in the eyes of his church. Ok. I'm down with that, in fact I was a few weeks ago willing to wait till he did get divorced, wait for him... how dumb is that. He's been separated 4 years and thus far neither have filed for divorce, though neither wish to be with the other. He claimed to care about me, but he needed for himself to devote more of himself to his religion. Ok. I'm down with that.

Now, most of you have heard of myspace, I'm sure. Well, when we met we went on the computer and looked at each others myspace pages, adding each other to our friends list and even leaving some cute comments.

After that talk that we had that one night, about him not being really single and not being able to date me because of that. I came home, sad, crying and cursing all at the same time. When I got home I went straight to the computer and to his myspace, I wanted to look at him, to see his pictures again, I have no idea why, I just wanted to, it's really as simple as that, I wanted to see him, just look, you know?

Well, when I went to click on pictures it says only friends can view. I was shocked. I WAS on his friends list, so I should have been able to look at the pictures.

I was able to send him a message on myspace and I asked, why did you remove me from your friends list. His response to me was that he wasn't doing the myspace thing anymore, that it was now only for his kids. So of course I believed him, why shouldn't I? I thought he had never lied to me, so I had no reason to not believe him.. and then I remembered something he had told me a few days prior to that, that his phone didn't have a camera on it.. having never really LOOKED at his phone, again I had no reason not to believe what he was telling me. Still, I just sat on it, did nor say anything.

That following Sunday I went to church with him and the next night, Monday, I went Bible study with him and afterwards, I noticed him taking pictures of others with his phone. I watched in disbelief as his words came back to me, when I had asked if he had taken pictures at a picnic he'd gone to recently and that is when he told me that his phone didn't have a camera, the words flooded into my brain, getting stuck for a moment while I tried to process it. Did I hear him wrong? Did he NOT tell me that there was no camera on his phone or did I misunderstand him... I stood there for about 5 minutes quietly as my brain went through the talk and I realized that no, I had not misunderstood him, he had definitely told me, he had no camera on the phone. I knew then that he had lied and my gut told me that he had lied about other things too, but what? And that's when the myspace thing came to mind.

I left the bible study, quietly, without saying goodbye, got home and immediately went to myspace and searched for his page, from there I went and looked at his comments(shut up, I'm not a stalker, really, even though I had to do a search to find the page, since I'm not on his friends list anymore... I was simply looking for some truths, he had also hidden his myspace friends list, so I had to get creative) I hit the pictures of not one girl, but 4 girls from his comments(some live in town, some live in other states, oh and this is where I tell you that I didn't care that he had friends that were girls, I'm not one to get jealous so it really didn't matter to me) I took a look at all of their friends list and ALL of them still had him on their friends page. At that point is when I became livid and ALMOST called him, but instead went and did some meditation to calm myself down. I really didn't want to have an angry confrontation, or honestly at that moment, I didn't want to have ANY confrontation, to pissed off and to sad, plus I didn't want him to know how I found out and had he asked, I would have had to tell the truth, which would really have made me look like a stalker. So today, after thinking about it more, I went back to his site (I didn't go to church there today, wasn't feeling well and still didn't have that control over myself that I needed to not approach him in an angry way)and noticed that there was a new comment..(ok maybe I'm a tiny bit of a stalker, but not with every man I meet, usually they freaking stalk me, seriously,really seriously, not that I'm special, I'm just rather aloof and stand offish, because of my fear of meeting someone that will hurt me and for some reason, aloof and standoffish women apparently are turn ons for men, I suspect it's the chase..I wish they'd just chase their freaking tails and leave me alone...and now I've become even more standoffish, since the man and all this happened.)

Anyways, the new comment was left yesterday by one of the girls that has him on her friends list (a happy valentines day comment *gag*)Now, I finally feel like I can confront him without looking like much of a stalker. Not sure how I will explain my looking at his page,I don't want to lie to him about it, so perhaps just telling him I wanted to see his pictures because I missed him would suffice, it's not a lie, I was missing him and I did want to see his picture, but I also wanted to see if someone had left any comments, because I knew that was really the only way I could finally let him know that I knew the truth.

This is where my thoughts of Christian hypocrites comes in. Integrity and honesty *should* be number one priorities. If he didn't want to be my friend then he should have just said so, I'm not prone to hysterics just because a man doesn't want to be with me, I might cry (not in front of him though)but by now, I'd be so over it and not looking at his myspace page anymore.

I had already gotten over thinking that him and I could be with each other, date each other and had finally decided I'd rather have him in my life as a friend, then not have him in my life at all. Decision made before the lies caught up to me, as I said, new decisions need to be made contingent on what he tells me when I hit him with my best shot of, WHY?

Yet, here's another problem that I'm having trouble with. He texts me every day, asking how my day was or how I am. One morning I woke up and there was a text from him that simply said, Good Morning.

I haven't ignored the texts, but I haven't jumped at a returning message either. A few hours here or there I wait and then I respond and my texts are rather cold and curt. Short really, not asking questions just answering with Thank you my day was fine, or Good morning to you too. No "have a nice day" from me or "how are you" or "can I see you" nothing. I won't chase a man ever. Though I feel like because I'm trying to keep a distance, be "friends"like he wanted or suggested, HE is not liking it much and is making sure that I don't forget him or something.

To his credit, or maybe it was just a lie, he did say in our talk that he wanted to be with me, he cared for me, his desire for me was very strong, but that he needed to concentrate on his church, he needed to put Jehovha before anyone or anything, first, (not to mention he needed to get a divorce) and being with me he wasn't able to put Jehovha first. I don't know why, unless it's because we were having premarital sex and he is still married. I would never have stopped him from going to church, worshipping who he wished to worship. I'm just not like that.

Prior to my beginning to write this, I sent him a text and said we needed to talk, that perhaps after bible study tomorrow night if we can have some privacy. I don't want to confront him with others around, I don't want them to know that him and I had been together, not for me, but for him. Things would not be good for him at his church if they found out that we had been intimately together, since they totally shun that. That's not what I want and I would never tell anyone there about our fling. Once again, I'm just not that type of a person, I don't tell, it's his place to say something since he is the one to belong to the church and if he doesn't want to tell them, that is his decision, not mine. As I wrote this, I thought, but what sweet revenge that would be. It would cause him a lot of trouble with the church, until he could prove that he was back on the right track and sure, some say revenge is good, but revenge isn't mine. If I remember correctly the bible says that revenge is Gods (that is not verbatim)and honestly, this isn't about getting revenge, it's about getting to the truth and why he lied to me in the first place. Between him and I, having nothing really to do with the church, unless he decides it does. (yes, I am saying the same things, I'm just trying real hard to get my thoughts in place and to be understood - no misunderstandings at all)

All I want? The truth and why he felt the need to lie to me. What did he think I was going to do, contact his other friends on his myspace page and tell them about us? Hell, the man asked me if I wanted him to change his phone number, because his ex girlfriend kept calling and I told him it bothered me...my answer was no, that it wasn't fair to him for me to say yes, though I did ask him to ask her not to call anymore, which he said he'd done a ton of times, even before me, but it was worse now because he had told her about me. Still, I wouldn't allow him to change his number on my account, if he felt he needed to change it, than by all means, do, but don't do it for me. That right there should have proved to him that I'm not like so many other women. I wasn't jealous, I was uncomfortable, for him and I. The only reason she kept calling was because she wanted money and other things from him and that week we were together, she was upset because he had met someone else. He knew that and so did I, nothing to be jealous about, just uncomfortable.

So, it begs the question, why would he think whatever he was thinking, that I might do something if he left me on his myspace page as a friend. I never gave him a reason to believe that I am nothing but honorable and trustworthy, which I do believe I am. I do my best to be honest with everyone, sometimes I have to leave things out so that others aren't hurt by whatever it is, not sure that that could be called a lie, though you can lie by omission. Usually, what I leave out is how I might feel about someone, to be more clear.. about how I don't LIKE them. I'm not mean to those I don't like, I just don't think it's proper to tell people, "I don't like you" unless I am pushed to the edge. It really isn't difficult to tell if I like you or not, I do not have a poker face and I am short and curt to those I don't like.. I don't do small talk with anyone, as I've shared before, though blogging has begun to teach me how... but if someone I don't like tries to talk to me, more often than not I look away while they are talking to me and maybe nod my head here and there, but it's very obvious I don't like that person. I suppose I should simply say, go away I don't like you, but I am trying to be a kinder and gentler me (I am working hard on that part of me and I think it's beginning to take, we shall see though soon).

And I can keep a secret, something I've always been able to do, since I'm not one that is a gossiper (though you couldn't tell by this post)But, I don't tell other peoples secrets. If they confide in me, it means they trust me and like I said, I am trustworthy, and I believe that it is an important character trait, one I want to hold on to, thus I don't give up other peoples secrets or gossip.(when others try to gossip with me, I usually tell them I don't gossip and I don't want to hear any, it works to shut them up 99% of the time, that 1% that acts like they didn't hear me, I just turn around and walk away.) I don't enjoy gossiping, I don't feel good about it, nor would I feel good about sharing someone else's secrets. It's simply not my place to do so. And yes, I have been on the receiving end of dishonest and disloyal people many times, I know how it feels, which is one of the reasons I don't do it. Yet most of all, I want people to know that I am honorable and trustworthy, that I won't be telling others their private things that they have confided only in me, that's very important to me, thus my never saying anything about the man and me to anyone in his congregation, ever, not even in anger.

*phone is ringing* It was him, wow, that was fast after my text.. He knows that I don't like to talk on the phone, especially when I need to talk about something important. So not sure why he called me right away. Plus he has his kids with him and was getting ready to feed them so he couldn't talk anyhow. Though he said he would call me back after he fed the kids. I really want to talk to him in person. I want to see his facial expressions and feel the energy when I confront him. My intentions are to be kind and calm when doing this confrontation. I don't want to argue, I don't want to be mean about it. But I want the truth, even if it hurts me, especially if it hurts me, because than I should and could be able to walk through the pain on to the other side and finally completely, let go, something, as you can tell by reading this, I haven't been able to do yet. I will, sooner than later I hope and that is why I need to confront him and hear what he has to say, it may even happen that I don't have to walk away, though I doubt that very much. I'm pretty resigned to the fact that after our talk, I'll be walking away from him for good and at this very moment, thinking about that makes me very sad. I'll get over it though, I always do...

So, there you have it. The lie(s). It's seems so stupid really, but they were lies and for some reason, I really want to know, no... I need to know, why he lied to me, what he thought I would do if I stayed on as his friend on that stupid site. Why he texts me each day, why he said he wanted to build a foundation of friendship, yet he
lies to me and how do you build a foundation of friendship, when there are lies intermingled in that foundation, the foundation won't hold, it will crumble eventually, underneath those lies being told, so I really don't think you can build a foundation of friendship when one is dishonest and that makes me sad. Plus I no longer trust him, so how do you have a friendship with someone that lies, or has lied to you and you can't trust them... I think that it's pretty safe to say, you can't and believe me, I have tried to rebuild trust in others that have lied or hurt me in some way and I'm just not that good. I can forgive, but I can't forget nor can I trust them again, no matter how hard they try to prove to me that they have changed and can now be trusted. Most fail at it. For some reason, some people just have that gene in them that even the most simplest things in their lives, they must lie about, even when it makes no sense to lie about it and getting caught could destroy an important relationship, a marriage.. well you get what I mean.

This confrontation will probably ruin everything, the "friendship" will probably be over once I confront him, although I suspect the friendship, at least on my end, was over once I realized he had lied. So, there doesn't really seem to be a probably about it, I'm almost positive that it's a definite. Although if I continue to go to church,I will sit in my seat, one seat over from him, so as not to have others asking questions like, what happen between him and I that I've moved to a different row of seats, or even have others make assumptions. I won't do that to him, I'll sit where I always sit, for him, until he is ready to tell those that he needs to tell about us. Once that happens, then if I am still attending church, I will find a seat elsewhere. I won't humiliate him in anyway, or have the congregation making assumptions about us, or coming up to either of us and asking what the problem was, it's no ones business, unless and until he makes it their business. I'm not ashamed of what happened, but I'm also not a member of the church. I don't think he is ashamed of what happened, maybe embarrassed because he didn't follow the things he has been taught, but I don't believe he is ashamed that he was with me...though I've been wrong before!

Please, if your going to leave a comment, I don't need nastiness or told not to confront him to just walk away, or to let it go because the lie wasn't a big deal. Perhaps, the lie ISN'T a big deal to most of you, to me, it is. A lie is a lie is a lie and for me to move on, I feel it's important to let him know that I know, even at the risk of never seeing him again.

Frankly, I believe he will most likely deny it, however, the proof is right there, no way really to deny it. That though will make me angry enough to simply stop speaking and walk away. To deny something that is right in your face as truth, makes no sense to me. My kids do that and I have to leave the room it makes me so angry, afraid that I will say something that I will come to regret later on.

An angry Lea has to learn self control, which has been a very difficult lesson, one I've yet to learn, even if I am getting better at it, but the lying (my kids and adults)just make me want to explode. I have noticed that of late, I've been doing better at walking away, most times, though tonight I cussed out the pizza delivery person for being incompetent. So, see, I'm still learning.

I'll keep you posted! If he wants to salvage the relationship, he will need to admit the lies, apologize and work at gaining my trust back, because there is no trust on my end. I never ever gave him a reason not to trust me, so I don't understand why he doesn't trust me, perhaps he will enlighten me on that, if indeed that is the case.

I don't trust well, but for some reason with him I seemed to have jumped in with two feet, eyes closed, heart opened and ready to be with someone, trust someone without waiting my usual couple of months, that include watching the person, paying close attention to their actions as well as their words before I begin to really trust them, I didn't wait this time, I took everything he said as the truth, which is not something I do with anyone,(one more lesson learned and hopefully will be applied in the future with others, regardless of the connection I might feel right away)

And btw, I always catch people in lies.. just ask my kids. They have no clue how I do it, but when they lie about something, I can tell immediately. The same goes with people that I let into my heart and soul. I pay too much attention to things going on around me, not to be able to catch someone lying to me not to mention, my gut instinct will kick in and it's rather strong... sometimes, I ignore my gut instinct and I suspect I might have done that with the man in the beginning, probably because I desperately wanted us to be a fit,(which other than the religion stuff and then the lies, we really were a good fit)I wanted us to be together, to take care of each other, to fall in love (because I am ready to fall in love again and have a life with someone, I'm so tired of being alone.. but I'm more tired of meeting men that are emotionally unavailable, or mean or liars or cheaters(married men) or others that just haven't the maturity that I expect from men who are grown ups, those kind are so very hard to find)

Perhaps my expectations of men are way to high, I just don't feel, right now, the need to lower the bar regarding my expectations of men. I don't want to just settle for anyone, I need that intimate conection, that passion, thost butterflies that one gets when they think of someone they love, I need those things now, once, I was just fine all alone. Being alone all the time, just doesn't work for me anymore. I want someone that I miss when we are apart and he misses me too, someone to think about and get a smile on my face just picturing his face and he the same with me..I'm sure you all know what I am talking about. I'm sure you've all been there.. Love. But I totally digressed and went on a bit of a ramble off the beaten path from where I really was, so back to where I was going with all of this.

I am done with ignoring and accepting the lies, the truth will be told by him (or he will deny it) a friendship will probably end, which would have anyhow, due to the lies and my inability to hide my feelings, plus how cold and rather out of touch with him when speaking or texting with him, he'd probably eventually get tired of my cold shoulder and be gone...

No matter what happens, I will go on, with or without him in my life, tonight as I write this, it just doesn't seem so bad today, while last week, it probably would have been devastating, now I'm just kind of sitting here, ready to quietly mourn the loss of a friendship, but for only a moment, as that is all I will allow myself to mourn, then acceptance will hopefully come, although I think I am already in the acceptance mode, but I do understand that I need to go through some grieving process, I don't think there's a way around NOT grieving for the loss of a loved one, whether it's through death or simply letting them go out of your life, possibly forever. However, since there IS some acceptance already, I'm guessing that the grieving process will be short, thankfully.

I REALLY don't want to lose him as a friend, but more than that, I REALLY don't want to be lied to, especially about such stupid things as what I've written about. So very stupid to lie about something like that. Did he do it to spare my feelings, thinking that if he told me that he removed everyone from his friends list, I wouldn't feel bad? Only he knows and if I'm lucky, I'll get that answer too, regardless of whether it may hurt me or not, though I think he is beyond being able to really hurt me, now that some time has passed.

Wow, I certainly didn't mean to write so much and I think some of it might be redundant - but obviously I needed to write about it or I'd not have gone into such detail. Or maybe I'm not done, maybe I'm not so over it as I'd like to think or say and thus all the detail and redundant sentences. Usually when I blog, I go over what I have written, making small changes here and there, making sure the grammar is correct, taking some things out, putting some things in, basically proof reading, editing before I hit publish, but this time, I am only doing a spellcheck and letting it go without making any changes, so you can all see how my bipolar brain works without the editing or making any effort to actually not ramble.

So, that's it. What do you think? I'll post his reaction and excuses or whatever it is that happens, though again, I'm quite sure that it won't be a good one and that our friendship may not be salvageable. What will be will be. He brought it on himself and he needs to take responsibility for it, but I can't force him too and if there are more lies, than I will walk away. I don't need liars in my life, I've had my quota for life of liars.

Now, if he tells me the truth I should be able to tell,(Or so I hope I'll be able to)It's really not to difficult if we are face to face, over the phone it will be much more difficult, as I can't see the facial expressions over the phone, unless you have a poker face down pat, it is difficult to hide your facial expressions when speaking to someone face to face, usually the face for me, is a dead giveaway if they are lying or telling the truth. Looking away, or eyes downcast when speaking, lying... or looking me in the eye, more often than not telling the truth. Can't see that over the phone obviously, plus I believe that serious talks need to be done in person, especially very important conversations should be done face to face, at least that is my belief.

And after the *talk* I will of course have to make new decisions, decisions that will effect me for the rest of my life. He will make his own decision, by either lying to me or telling me the truth and my decision is contingent on his decisions. Even if he does admit the truth, even if he does apologize, even if he is sincere in his words and it shows in his voice, I may still have to walk away, for fear that there will be a next time, another lie. Because if he is sincere with his words and he does apologize and explain to me why, even if he tells me he still wants me...

It will always be in the back of my mind each time he tells me something, including the above...

Is he telling me the truth, or is he lying just to keep me happy, or not to hurt me, or have me get angry and cause a scene (which is totally not me)... even if he is being honest in his answers when I confront him....

After writing all this out, I realize I'll have to walk away, no matter what,even if he is being honest in his answers when I confront him..... It's my guess that, that is what will happen, since for me to rebuild trust is pretty much impossible.

I guess I answered my own questions, my own thoughts, my own feelings... I'll have to walk away because no matter what happens, I'll never be able to trust him again, no matter how hard he tries to make it up to me, no matter what he does to try and make it right...yeah. I'll have to walk away.

Nothing will ever be the same, probably for either of us, after the talk.

New link for Monday Giveaway

Please remember that beginning tomorrow, Monday Giveaways and Product reviews will have their own special page.

The link to that page is:
Monday Giveaway

I will periodically remind you that's where they are! But, if your interested in the product reviews and giveaways, please follow me at Monday Giveaway

Winners of the Skoys

Sorry, I'm late with this..

The 5 winners of the Skoys are:
Anam
Jenna
Andrea V
Always_317537
Wehaf

Please contact me at wisprnsoul@cox.net with the address you would like me to send them to.

Winners have till 12 noon on Monday to contact me. I will pick a new winners Monday evening if winners have not met the deadline.

Thanks for participating everyone, next Monday Giveaway is a pretty cool book, for mothers and daughters... but that's all I'm saying for now!

Skoys

Don't forget to join my Skoy giveaway! Scroll down a few posts and there it will be.

Skoys are AWESOME! Not only do they save you money with not having to purchase paper towels, they're pretty, they can be washed in the washing machine and the dishwasher.

So head on down there and jump through a couple of hoops (please make sure you visit Skoys site!) and leave your comments.

I love my Skoys!

A Change for Monday Giveaway and Product Review

Greetings my bloggyland friends,

I've decided to make some changes when it comes to Monday Giveaway and Product Review. Beginning Feb 16th, I will be doing all Monday Giveaway and Product Reviews at Monday Giveaway and Product Review

If you currently follow this blog, please go to the link above and follow there. For the first 2 weeks, I will continue to give entries to those that follow me on my main blog (just remind me in comments)but after that, you will need to follow me on the Giveaway page (you are welcome to follow me now over there if you would like). I've also added the subscribe button so that You can also subscribe for an extra entry. Of course those are just a couple of the hoops in order to get entries, there will be a few more.

I am going to try to keep it as simple as possible, though sometimes I just can't help myself and I might make your hoops a bit more challenging and interesting.

Picking a winner: Picking a winner will change from time to time, but will always be done on Saturdays. The winner has till noon on Monday to contact me with their address and such. I will TRY to notify the winner personally, but I can't always guarantee that. How I pick a winner: I may use Random.org, or have the girl or boy pick a random number. Also, if I've created a hoop that requires original content, I will share them with the girl and her and I will pick the most original comment. Remember to comment after each hoop you go through, or I won't know to count your entry. Shipping: I will usually ship your winning item to you on Weds.

Thank you to all my bloggyland friends for your support. I have so much fun doing these giveaways!!

Liars

Have you ever found yourself looking back at things, putting things together and then realizing that you've been lied to?

What did you do? How did you handle it? Did you confront the person right away, or did you calm down first? Were you kind during the confrontation, or were you angry and loud about it?

Do you demand an apology? Do you ask for an admittance of being lied to? What if they deny it, even though you have proof right before your eyes, as well as theirs? Do you cut them out of your life for good?

I know my answers to the above questions, however, I am trying to be a new person, a different person... I'm trying to lose my bitterness, my knee jerk reactions. I do NOT think that there is EVER a good reason to lie to someone, especially if you say your a friend to that person.

Tell me what you would do, tell me how you would handle the situation.

repost of Mondays giveaway

****This Contest is Closed****

***Cause it's gotten lost in the blog, I'm reposting my Monday Giveaway here so people don't have to look everywhere for it. Those that have already commented will still be eligible to win****

Back by popular demand:


Yep! Skoys!

Oh and not for just one winner, I've enough for 5 winners!!!!!!

Hoops: I know, these hoops suck, but hey I've nothing better to do than to think up things for me to laugh about..err for you guys to do! And besides, what fun would it really be if all you had to do is leave one comment letting me know you want these... no fun for me at all :)

First you must visit Skoy, Please visit the site and come up in your own words an actual fact about the Skoy. This is important. If you do not do this, then all your comments will be disqualified. I think that it is very important to visit all the sites from my giveaways and if possible, purchase an item (that is NOT ever a requirement and you will not be penalized for not purchasing something). But, lets be honest, the reason people are so generous with their items to allow me to give them away, deserve also to have business generated by these giveaways.

For more entries:
Blog about contest on your blog. Send me the direct link to the post in the comments. (please make sure to send the direct link to the post. If I can't find it, then this hoop will be disqualified.)
Twitter, leave a comment
Follow me on Twitter, leave comment
Follow my blog, leave a comment
If you already follow me, please leave me a comment to remind me, I'm blond and lost most days, I probably won't remember if you are following me already!

Last but not least, tell me in your own words why you would like a 4 pack of Skoys and what you plan on using them for (of course, put that in my comments)

Be creative! This time I am not using random.org, but will pick the 5 winners by the first hoop and last hoop that they jump through (though jumping through the other hoops will help also), so be original, creative, funny, or whatever suits you best! I will pick the winners by your answers! Do your best and please remember, if I don't pick you don't take it personal. This is suppose to be fun fun fun!!!

Good luck and I can't wait to read what you all have to say! I know some of you will crack me up, you usually do!

Skoys and a reminder, plus a new winner of the bracelet

I had some trouble with my Skoy post giveaway, but the problems are fixed now. Just a reminder that I am giving away to 5 winners a set of 4 Skoys each. Scroll down for the contest and those dang hoops to go through to win....

These Skoys are awesome. If you've never heard of them, take a look at their website Skoy and then go to my giveaway post and do your thing!

Don't miss out on these. I love them and everyone else who's gotten them does too!
--------------
I haven't heard from the winner of the bracelet, so I am picking a new winner right now.

Mom2boys, congrats! Please send me your address to wisprnsoul@cox.net so that I may send you your winnings!
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Don't forget to keep checking back here each week. I am trying to do a unique and great giveaway each week!

Daddy Diaper Changing Toolbox

Everything up close is giving away the best diaper bag!!

It's called, Daddy Diaper Changing Toolbox. How great is that!! I want one for my son and DIL! Check out her site.

More giveaways, check this one out it's great

Welcome to Motherhood is giving away a basket filled with organic baby products.

Check it out, it's awesome!

Another great giveaway

Simply Stacie is having an awesome giveaway, a beautiful bracelet!

Check out her site and sign up to win the bracelet (well, just check out her site, cause I want to win the bracelet! :) )

Entering a contest

DKMommy over at dkmommy is having a great giveaway!

A vegan cookbook! I could really use this as the girl is vegan and it's so difficult to cook for all three of us, things that she can eat too. This book would not only help me save money by not having to cook 2 dinners each night, but all of us would be eating healthier too! How great is that!

Go check her out. She's got a great site full of other wonderful things!

Wordle

Has anyone heard of Wordle? The site is Wordle

It's pretty cool actually and I did it, but I can't seem to capture it or save it or copy it so that I can put it on my blog..

Do any of you know how to do this? If so, please comment me and teach me!

Thanks!

Me and the Man

Well, it lasted all of 7 days. It was wonderful while it lasted.

See, he is studying to be a Jehovah Witness and they frown on premarital sex, not unlike most religions, or umm.. me, when it comes to my 18 year old daughter. Oh and some other stuff, but there's no need to go into that right now...

We had a long talk, he told me how he cared about me, how fast we moved, which for me was very odd, since I take my time and am always being told that I move to slow or I'm aloof, or stuck up or whatever, but I prefer to build a foundation first (but I did move fast this time, not sure what that was about either).. in other words, I don't bring men home to my house, just to have sex, EVER.(though after the first night, it was no longer about sex) I don't do one night stands and my children at 18 and 13 have only seen me with two other guys (Matt and Bear, neither of whom I don't think I've mentioned here ever, maybe one day. Well they see me with Glen, but him and I are just best friends) and even that wasn't all together the truth, the girl saw me with the boys father, but she was 5-7 years old, so that's how long it's been since a man has been around my kids for any length of time. I just do not believe in bringing men in and out of my life. If I think it might last, (like I did with Matt and Bear) then they get to meet each other.

Everyone liked each other, all of us got along brilliantly. He still is one of the most awesome men I have ever met and do I want to be with him still? Yes of course. However, not because he didn't want to be with me, but because he wanted to follow his religious beliefs and being with me, he couldn't. He's married still, 4 years separated, but because he is married and not single, his church would frown on us dating, or shall I say, his religious beliefs do. Plus, as in most organized religions, there is no premarital sex allowed. Now, if he WAS single (even though he's been separated for 4 years and it's really only a formality, in the eyes of his religion and his church, he is not single)we would be dating.

I would give up premarital sex to be with him. (I already know how good it is, if I had to wait till we were married, no problem)I would do a lot of things, to be with him, but it's not my choice, it is his.

And for a few moments, I wasn't ok with all that. For a few moments, I felt like something was wrong with me, for a few moments, I wanted to beg, plead, cry and all those manipulative things that so many women do, I just don't have that kind of practice,nor do I find it very attractive and probably would have messed it all up, completely.

We did agree however, that we would remain friends. I'm ok with this. I'll wait and see what happens. I'm not putting my life on hold, but who knows what may happen. One day he may be able to afford a contested divorce (there are children involved and she hates that he is a Jehovah Witness, so there will most likely be a fight for sure)and perhaps we will have built a foundation, beginning with friendship and continuing onto who knows...

Oh and I met a cute cop today. He flirted with me at Circle K.. I flirted back, just a little smile here and there which is the best flirting I know how to do LOL. Then I left and he must have left shortly after myself. I live on major street, pulled into my driveway, got out of the car and heard a horn honk... guess who!! Yep, the cop... a K9 cop no less and he was waving and smiling at me! Woo-hoo!

Oh and this other guy, the last one I dated when the boy was a baby (I stopped dating altogether till the boy was about 11, so I could just concentrate on raising the kids) at any rate, I joined this personal thing.. for bikers (cause I'm a harley riding biker grandma to be babe) and he sent me an email, telling me he had been looking for me for 12 years. We've been talking the last 2 nights and I finally remembered why we stopped seeing each other. He lived in CA, I in NV plus I was still so afraid to open up to someone, having just left a bad relationship. But, we're talking now and who knows what will happen there. He rides a badass harley though, that's for sure!

Not sure what's going on here, but they are crawling out of the woodwork! Kind of fun though, so I'm going to sit back and enjoy the ride for as long as it lasts.

Na Na Na Na Na (to the tune of "So what" by Pink)

I'm gonna be a grandma
sometime in Sept/Oct

I'm gonna be a grandma
and a young one too!

I'm gonna be a grandma
hmm... writers block, can't think of another verse! DOH!!

Oh, here's the proof:


And it took me all of an hour to pick a name for myself... see, my sons father will probably be called Pappy, his stepmother, grandma, my DIL's mother will be grammie.. My dad as always will be called Papa, my stepmother will probably remain being called Boppa (pronounced Bow-Pa)

And me??? I picked it out all on my own!

GAMA

HAHAHAHA on all of them. Gama will be the easiest one to say and since I won't be able to see the baby as much as the rest of them, cause I live out of state, the baby will say my name first because it is so close to Dada and Mama... ha! The method to my madness!