Doing what I'm told..

My sister went in to see him. Told him that I loved him. Said he looked peaceful.

Glen has ordered me to bed, no medications so that I can hear the phone if it rings in the middle of the night. Glen makes sense always and he's very supportive of me. But, I'm not sure I'll be able to sleep tonight, especially without my medication.

I'm waiting for Minden dude to come online so that I can talk to him.

My sister will go again tomorrow to see him and is going to call me and put the phone to his ear so that I can tell him I love him.

I guess there's simply nothing to do but wait and take care of my kids. I understand it is all out of my hands, I have no control of what is happening or what is going to happen, intellectually... but try to tell that to my heart. My brain has accepted this, my heart hurts and doesn't or won't or I won't let it, accept that I am so powerless over what happens from here.

I want my father. I want that man that was such a pillar of strength for all my life, not the one that is laying in a bed in ICU with his chest open wide while in a coma. It just seems so unfair. My kids have no father in their lives, he was their only male role model and now what? I know, no one ever said life was fair. Shit, I just lost my beloved gram 4 years ago, how do I get through losing my father should he not pull through this?

All I want to do is get drunk.. numb the pain, my first coping mechanism... get loaded when the pain is too much to handle. You'd think I would know better and really I do, getting drunk will do nothing but, yeah, numb the pain.. but the pain will be there when I sober up and who knows what crap I'd do drunk, it's been so very long since I've tied a good one on and the last time just wasn't pretty. Behavior so unlike me when I am sober. Not sure I want to relive that again. I just want to not hurt inside. That's all I want, to just not hurt and I don't know how to not hurt...

I'm so very tired. Bone weary tired. I've been up too long, been crying for hours.. every part of my body hurts and when I think of that, I think how selfish am I? MY BODY HURTS??? Can't be anywhere close to how my dads body feels, I'm sure. It all just freaking sucks.

This is life, in the fast lane. Faster than I care to live it. Someone slow it down, please.

I guess I'll just do as I was told, lay down and close my eyes and try to sleep so that I can be there for the kids in the morning and after school. Wish me luck.

Bah

I'm SO exhausted. I've been cleaning, doing laundry, helping my father up and down, running around for the stepmother and basically not getting any real time for myself. The stepmom has been pretty nasty today, screeching and hollering and just all around being a bitch.

I understand she is under a lot of stress, I really do. But my sister and I are there to help (my sister is her biological daughter) and we are doing everything we possibly can, yet we are being treated like shit.

And now... my father thinks I should bring the cats back to Vegas. Oy Vey!! They are finally getting used to being back with him, behaving themselves, but he can't feed them or change his litter box, which means the stepmother must do these things... so what, it takes about 5-8 minutes in the morning to do this and she is complaining that she has to take care of them and my father. WTF? She can't find 6-8 minutes out of the morning, to take care of his cats that make him so happy?

Not to mention they are trying to lease their townhouse in Vegas. Where are those cats going to go when they lease it? I can't take them. I've 6 of my own, plus 3 dogs, not to mention those cats really do not like anyone but my father. So, I don't know what to do... the only reason I came down here, was to bring the cats and it was my freaking stepmothers idea to do it and now she is bitching.

I go home tomorrow. The boy stays. I need to get home in time to get to FedEx in order to send his birth certificate and a few others things so that he can fly home.

We are all stressed out and it's wearing on me pretty bad. I see the edge and I want to jump. I don't want to come out here again, but I can hear the stepmother in my mind telling me how selfish I am... Yeah, I'm selfish. I have children to take care of and I need my strength or I won't be any good to anyone. Stress causes my bipolar to act up worse than normal and when that happens, I'm a mess and again, no good to anyone.

I wish I had something positive to share. I love my father, but I don't want to be here not with him so sick, not with the stepmother screeching at us. I just want to be home, with my daughter, my son and my animals. In my own bed, in my own home, in my own life. This is no life for me. See, selfish. But, if I can't take care of myself, which happens when my bipolar goes into full swing, I can't take care of anyone else. My children suffer, my father suffers, my friends suffer, I'm just no good.

I have a wake up call for 8am and hope to leave here by 9pm, go to the hospital (dad has a doctors appointment at 9) say goodbye and I love you to him and be on the road before 10am. That should put me home around 3 or 4 as long as I don't hit a ton of traffic (which is why I am leaving on a Monday, instead of yesterday to avoid the Christmas traffic)

Say a pray or positive thoughts for me that my trip back will be quick and easy.