Saturday, January 31, 2009


I think I just met the most amazing man. I met him last night while out (finally) singing karaoke. He came home with me - now get your mind out of the gutter, nothing happened... we talked all night and day, about all kinds of things, the bible and what it says, he can quote so many things from the bible I was amazed.

We did kiss and let me tell you, it's been a LONG time since I've kissed a man and whew, he's an amazing kisser too!! He's still here, but sound asleep in my bed LOL I'd go to sleep to, but I have to wait to see if the girl needs a ride home at 830...

We talked a lot at the bar, he's been pinning after this woman for about a month now, he moved her out here from Texas, only to have her up and leave him for a friend of his... but he kept saying he wanted her back. I finally asked him why? She used you, treated you like shit, dumped you after all you did for her and you want to be with her? He thought about it for a while and somewhere in his mind he came to the conclusion that he was being a fool for pinning after her, after all she did to him. She must have called 50 times last night and then finally told him fuck you.

Not sure what's going to happen. I really feel a connection to this man and he said that he felt one with me (I didn't tell him how I felt though). He turned his phone off today cause it kept ringing, then he checked his voice mail and told me that she had called, again telling him fuck you and he said, he was done with her. So, I'm staying guarded for now, though I really think him and I would be good together, I'm not going to open up that much to him, not yet.

It's been a long long time since I've felt a connection like this with a man and I'm a little`scared and hesitant, yet also a bit excited. He offered that he was through with the other girl, without any prompting from me, but I just don't know.. I asked him when he wanted to go home and he said, when do you want me to and I wanted to say, "never" but I just said, when ever you would like to... he said, he wanted to stay the night with me and go home tomorrow before church.

Uh.. he just woke up and was having trouble getting out of bed, kind of comical, except I know how he feels, cause I'm exhausted too and now he is out in the living room with Chance for some odd reason..

I really hope that he meant the things he said to me today and during the night. He said, have faith in him, so I think that for once in many years, I am going to have faith in a man (and believe me this man is a gentleman all around, he could spoil me silly)I'm going to see what happens and pray that I don't get entangled with this wonderful man, only to be hurt again... cause then... well, I'm done. I'll just grow old single, take care of my kids then my grandkids and then maybe great grandkids and just not worry about being with anyone again. Hell, I've been alone for so many years now as it is, what's the rest of my life?

But, just in case, send positive thoughts that this man is really serious about wanting to be with me, please?

Friday, January 30, 2009

Tragic, yet....

Just now a tour bus had a major accident, mile marker 28 on the Az side of Hoover Dam. As I write this, 5 confirmed dead. They are flying many criticals to UMC in Las Vegas and some to Az.

Yes, it's tragic and I feel for the families of those that have lost their lives...

But could this be it? Could he get a heart from one of those who have lost their lives?

Is it???

Prayers please. Universe, please make this the time he gets his heart, please.


Dad goes into the hospital again, to have an LVAC placed in him. I've been goggling LVAC but can't find what I am looking for so basically this is what I was told..

It makes his heart work.


He goes off of UNOS until he heals and I just KNOW that a heart will come available for him during this healing process.

There's no options. Either the LVAC or death. Seems like a pretty clear cut choice to me. Also, with the LVAC he can come home for a day or two once in a while (home here in Vegas, not in Phx)and if he is still on the LVAC in June, he may be able to attend the girls graduation...

If anyone has any information on the LVAC, please let me know.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

When I began this blog it was to help me process some things that were/are going on in my life right now. Mostly to vent and complain and cry about my father...

I then got caught up in reading some really beautiful blogs. I still have all the blogs that I read, but honestly lately I've only been reading my favorite ones.

And then I thought about Karma. I wondered if my own Karma would affect my fathers Karma. If "I" did things for others, would that bring him a heart in time. And I thought about all the times others have helped me out in hard times (and believe me, I have reached some hard times, including now)and that's where I came up with my own pay it forward, give to others, what I can give. This isn't the first time I've done this, my kids and I feed the homeless at the shelter on Thanksgiving, we have blanket drives, cause yes it does get really cold here in the desert. And some other things...

This blog has morphed into all kinds of things! Giveaways, picture sharing, life sharing and other things...

But that's not the purpose of this post...

What I am finding out and what I had given up on was people. People who are kind, considerate, caring, compassionate, loving and supportive. People I once believed no longer existed.

Dude, they do exist. There's Lisa and Yaya and Annie who all have hearts of gold and there are others too many to mention... but right now, you are all my lifeline and I'll get back on the train track, out of the train wreck and back to the walking wounded until the wounds heal. I thank you all.

Ok Bloggyland..

Apparently there are rules in bloggy land contest/giveaways. Have you seen them? I haven't, but that doesn't mean they do not exist.

I was just told that it is my responsibility to contact the winner of my giveaways and not up to them to go through the 100's of entries they submitted...

My feeling is if you enter 100 contests, it is FAR more time consuming to do so, then to go back and see if you won.

I asked the woman who says there are bloggy rules to send them to me... Now, I ask you all if you know of bloggy rules, to please send them to me. God forbid I do something wrong like on Etsy...

Is there nothing else out there in the world to worry about, then what they hell I am doing?


I went to the doctors yesterday and she put me back on my meds. I'm quite bummed about it, since one of them is a pill that makes you gain weight.. But I suppose it'll be better than laying in bed crying all day long.

I know I need to let them kick in for a few weeks. So no mental hospital just yet.

Thank you to my bloggyland friends, you have been so wonderful.


After entering a giveaway, it is your responsiblity to continue to check to see if you have won. The winner has till Friday PST to notify me with their information...

If by that time no one has come forth, I'll pick another winner.


Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Giveaway #2 Winner

#31 coriwestphal

Please email me at with WINNER in the subject line and your address in the body of the email!

Congrats and thanks to everyone who joined... Look for another giveaway next week or the week after

Tuesday, January 27, 2009


I'm a firm believer in Honesty. Honesty in all things, so here goes.

I've been sick. Not the physical sick. But mentally sick. It's the bipolar and has consumed me. I went off my meds because I thought I was getting better. Today, I was unable to stop crying and when I called my doctor her office was already closed. I will call tomorrow.

I am seriously considering committing myself into the hospital for a few days, but am worried about my kids. Both have assured me that they will be fine, but that won't keep me from worrying about them and that's not going to get me better.

I've contemplated suicide more than once in my life and that's where I am now. I'm lonely, I'm depressed, worried about my father and so many other things going on that I just don't want to list.

If you have a comment that is nasty, don't post it.. I'll remove it and leave you one that will tear you to shreds.

I'm just trying to be honest with where I am right now...

Monday, January 26, 2009

It's been a while

Since I've updated on my father. He remains in Phx continuing to wait for a heart transplant. I did speak to him a few days ago and he sounded more upbeat than usual, which is a good sign.

The waiting is what is the most difficult. Will it happen in time? Will he get a heart before he is too sick for it to even work? Will the heart be healthy enough to bring him back to his old self?

So, I just wait and do things to keep my mind off of it. I must admit, I have been depressed for a few weeks now and that stupid Etsy woman didn't help with reporting me as spam (I know I know, I'll let it go soon)...

But, I've received about 5 emails from other Etsy shops that DO want to be involved, so that is exciting. And I've got some great giveaways in the mail today, so for at least a few weeks, I'll have some prizes to share with all of you.

Have a wonderful Monday!

Product review and giveaway #2

***Update - Contest ended Weds Evening*
The gracious ladies of Skoy sent me some of their earth friendly cloths to try out and one of my lucky readers will receive a set of them too! A little bit about the item:
The SKOY cloth is a fabulous, absorbent, biodegradable and natural multi-use cloth. Our re-usable earth friendly cloth is perfect in your kitchen, bathroom, and on most surface areas in your home or office. SKOY cloth can be used in place of your sponge, wash cloth or paper towels.

It is a European made product and 100% biodegradable because it is made from a natural cotton and wood-based cellulose pulp. SKOY cloth is a chlorine-free product using water-based colors and inks. After an independent composting test, SKOY cloth broke down completely within 5 weeks.

The SKOY cloth is a durable product due to the reusability factor and can last months. Using a SKOY cloth is equivalent to using 15 rolls of paper towels in an average home. With the high cost of paper towels, at least $2 a roll, SKOY cloth is the obvious choice for your wallet and the environment.

The SKOY cloth has an absorption factor of 15x its own weight. As a result, producing the most superior cloth product available. Imagine using 15 sheets of good-quality paper towels at once… This is how a wet SKOY cloth will feel in your hand.

The SKOY cloth is long-lasting because of the wash ability feature. It dries quickly, so it is not a breeding ground for bacteria. Have you ever used your sponge, then smelled your hand and it reeked of horrible bacteria? That will never happen again if you microwave your SKOY cloth regularly. It is also dishwasher and washer/dryer safe. Cleaning your SKOY cloth will keep it healthy and germ-free. Please see Use & Care for instructions.

One of the bests things I think about this product is it is 100% biodegradable and is reusable! Plus, They are priced at a reasonable price for 5.99$ for 4!

The hoops:(please make sure to leave separate comments for each hoop you jump through)
Visit Skoy and tell me which co-founder lived where (outside of the USA). hint - it's not on the first page) This is a must or your entry will be disqualified. One entry for doing this. I think it's very important to visit the sites where people have donated items for give aways.

One entry each for doing the following:
Blog about the contest, send me a link to the post (not your main blog, just the post itself.)
Twitter the contest
Follow me (if you are already a follower, remind me in a comment)
Grab my button.

Don't forget to leave a comment for each thing you do, so you have all those chances to win. Winner will be chosen Weds evening and has till Friday to send me an address where I can mail your prize.

Good luck my bloggyland friends!!

Sunday, January 25, 2009

I keep thinking...

Why should I let one person spoil my dreams of paying it forward.

So, I am asking you, my bloggyland friends, do you think I should continue to send notes to different Etsy Shops that I think are wonderful, in the hopes that they would like to make one of my readers happy, while making me happy too? Or should I just forget about it and look for other places to help me bring my dream to life?

Problem is, I don't know where else to look. Who to contact. I can think of some mommy places, but I don't want to do just mommy giveaways, as not all my readers are mommies, plus even if they were, they deserve something just for themselves.

Please let me know what you think.


Barefoot Mommy

Barefoot Mommy, is giving away a beautiful velvet jacket from Mechanical Bunny

Isn't it beautiful! Check out the gorgeous clothing that Mechanical Bunny has! You'll fall in love!

HGTV Dream Home Giveaway

Nerd Family is holding an incredible giveaway. It's for a dream home in Napa Valley, Ca. The house is awesome!!!

Not to many hoops to jump through, easy as pie! Go check it out and good luck!!

I still feel bad

That someone had to try to attempt to spoil the fun for my readers and my paying it forward desire.

I'm trying very hard to let go of that feeling, it's just been a bit difficult. This is something I've been working real hard on, wanting to make other happy and to have fun. My life, if you have read my blog from the beginning (even my other blog at Live Journal) has been hard, to say the least and I just wanted to do something fun and provide my readers with something fun.

I feel like the rug has been taken right from under me and it's not a good feeling. I'm very angry at the person who I believe did this, but because I am not completely sure it was her (though from her response to my email to her originally, I do think it was her)so, I cannot say anything to her, not that I would, I'm just not really like that. I CAN be, if I feel like I've been taken advantage of, but in this case I suppose she felt like she was taken advantage of, even though anyone I emailed had every right to say no and all I did was wish them luck and if they ever felt like they'd like to work with me, to just email me.

So, bloggyland, how do you get rid of this feeling of such anger and sadness all at the same time?

I really hope that after this next giveaway, I'll be able to do more. Wish me luck.


In my attempt to help others

I was reported to Etsy as spam or something of that sort. Other than the Etsy stores that have been so kind as to hopefully allow me to do reviews and giveaways for them, I will no longer work with Etsy, including opening up my own store there when I get my inventory of candles up.

I have a feeling I know who reported me as spam, as she claimed that no one asks for a sample to giveaway to a lucky reader. All I can say is Karma sucks. It's too bad as everyone I contacted was very nice, even when they said that they couldn't do giveaways or send samples. I would never be anything but gracious to those who couldn't or wouldn't want to be involved, although at this moment I do feel like writing her a not so nice letter, but that will pass and as I said, karma does suck.

I'm not sure now how or who to contact so that I can continue to pay it forward, but if anyone has any ideas, I would greatly appreciate them. I'm saddened that one woman couldn't simply say no, but had to report me as "spam". Even after I answered all her questions, including sending a link to my Dot Girl review and my blog.

On another note, tomorrow if I'm still not so bummed out, I have another review and giveaway to present to you. It's pretty cool and I'm not actually sure how they got my name and address to send me samples for a giveaway and review, but I think you will like them!

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Why I want to do product reviews and giveaways

I'm often asked why I do product reviews and giveaways.

The answer is very simple.

Pay it forward.

I have had a few people help me with various business's and other things and I made myself a promise that as soon as I could I would begin paying forward their kindness.

There are still wonderfully kind and generous people in the world and I would like to be one of them, so this is my way of doing so. Helping others whether they are just beginning or have been in business for a while now, I felt this was the best way to pay it forward.

So there you have it. Pay it forward. I encourage everyone to do the same if at all possible.

Friday, January 23, 2009

PinkLemonadeBags are awesome

PinkLemonadeBags Esty Shop has some incredible bags for sale. I'm currently trying to win one, of course, thus my blogging it here. They are stylish handmade diaper bags and totes.

Check her out! While your at it, check out Theraputic Reviews and Giveaways who is holding this great giveaway! She seems to always get the wonderful things to giveaway!

Selfishly, I want to win an award!!!!!

I don't know how to go about winning one, but I want to win one! *stomps her foot*

So tell me my bloggyland friends, how did you win your awards? Did you shamelessly as I have asked for one? Or did some kind person just like your blog and give you one or three?

I'd love to hear the stories behind winning them... maybe I am doing something wrong and I might just learn from you! Oh and those silly meme's, I've never been tagged for one and I would love to be tagged for one, I think it would be fun. Either of the above would take my mind off of the things that aren't going good in my life right now...

I really really really want to win an award.. even if it's just one, I'd be happy!

Stay tuned for next Sunday I have a new giveaway going on... it's all about being green (no the giveaway isn't green, but "being" green.) What I have to share with you all is pretty cool and I hope you all like it!

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

And I won another contest! was having a t-shirt contest. 1st prize was 4 t-shirts of your choice, and I won 1st prize! I'm so excited. They have these awesome t-shirts designed by various artists. Really cool ones too. My favorite one is the "Everyone wants a Peace", I would have picked that one for all 4, but decided to pick 3 other ones (including 2 alternates in case the ones I wanted weren't in stock)..

So,I've decided that I will get 2, the girl will get one and the boy will get one. Yay Me! I enter SO many contests/giveaways and have only won, one other one, 100$ gift certificate to which was awesome, since I love books and I love them even better when they are free!

Go check out, not one t-shirt is over 10$ and they have some really cool ones! So far all the trouble I go through to enter these contests/giveaways, it's all worth it! The artists are great and they are all one of a kind t-shirts!

And the winner is....

#13 Shel! Congrats Shel! Please email me your address by Friday, so I can send you out your prize. put Winner in the subject line and I already know you would like the blue one from your comment...

Congratulations again Shel!

Keep checking back everyone, I'll be having more giveaways soon!

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

What if..

Sprites keeper does a spin cycle each week. I've never participated and the one she picked this week is rather difficult until it came to me...

What If....

I'd never been born

Monday, January 19, 2009

Product review and My very first giveaway!

Dot girls products has graciously sent me samples of their Dot Girls First Period Kit.

How I wish I'd have had something like this when I was a girl and had my first period. There is a ton of wonderful information, to help a girl when she experiences a part of growing up. Seriously, this kit is informative and very well put together for the girls.

The Dot Girl's First Period Kit™ includes the following items:

* The Dot Girl's First Period Guide™, a 12-page booklet with answers to common questions
* The Dot Girl's Period Calendar™, a simple way for a girl to track her periods
* One Ultra Thin Kotex® Pad With Wings upgraded item
* Two Kotex® Lightdays® Panty Liners upgraded item
* Kotex® product brochure (product claims only valid within the U.S.) new item
* One store coupon for FREE Kotex® products -a $4.39 value (valid only within the U.S.) new item
* Reusable Dot Girl™ Warm Pad, a heating pad handy for soothing cramps upgraded item
* Scensibles™ Petite Pak (3 disposal bags inside) new item
* Hand Wipes

The kit is very easy to understand, geared towards the young girl, though I would suggest that her mother sits down with her and goes through the kit, in case of course she has any questions.

Buy it: The Dot Girls First Period Kit is available at Dot Girl and retails for $23.99.

But wouldn't it be awesome to WIN IT??? And you get to choose which color you would like, blue or pink. Both come with the same wonderful items. .

Ok, so how do you win it, your asking... well, I promised not to make people go through a ton of hoops to win any of my giveaways. I do ask that you visit Dot Girls site, to see what other products they carry. And if you do so, you may leave me a comment regarding what product(s) you would like from Dot Girl. No, you do not have to tell me your favorite item from their site...But if you do, you get an extra entry, make sure you leave me a comment.

The rules:
Comment on this blog, letting me know which color, pink or blue. For one entry.
Blog on your blogger about this contest, with a link back to my blog and leave me a comment with the actual post (not to your main blog but to the actual post so that I may find it, otherwise that entry will have to be disqualified) for another entry.
Twitter this giveaway, leave me a comment, on my blog and the URL to your tweet, for another entry.
Follow me (you can find that over there -----> on my side bar, for another entry.
Add my button (also over there ----->) for one more entry. You can even follow me on Twitter, comment here and I'll even give you another entry.

I will also give another entry to those that let me know if this is too many rules for a giveaway, if I should stick with these and/or if you might have some suggestions of how to do my giveaways different. I personally hate having to jump through a ton of rules and am hoping these are not too much and to tedious, however, every thing that you do, do please let a separate comment, which will give you a better chance of winning..

If you do all of the above, you have the chance to have 8 entries and 8 chances to win this great product!

Good luck to you all. If I can figure out how that random number picker works I'll be using that. If I can't figure it out, I will ask the girl to pick a number between 1 and whichever number comments they end at.

I will announce the winner Weds early evening. It is your responsibility to contact me, preferably by email (wisprnsoul @ cox dot net) with your shipping address, by Friday no later than noon. If you do not contact me, I will chose another winner, so please do contact me should you win!

I'm sorry that at this time, I am not able to ship to Canada, but hopefully in the future I can offer my giveaways to those who live in Canada.

Thanks and good luck!

Contest/Giveaway - I'm still confused.

The housewife diaries is holding a contest. (she called it a contest, but I'm putting it here instead of my special contest page cause I think I'm just going to get rid of the special contest page and post those I enter here) okay with that said, she's holding a contest and the prize is a book called, "Into thin air".

If anyone knows me, they know that I am a huge book person. I read 2-3 books at a time and can finish all of them in a week sometimes. (that is if I don't spend 5 hours reading blogs, like I've done tonight)I also NEVER loan out my books, never. Well, I did once. She borrowed 4 of them, including a hard back one called Illusions, by Richard Bach, given to me by a special lady about 20 years ago. I was very hesitant when she said she would like to read it, almost to the point of telling her to go buy a copy, but being stupid, I let her "borrow" it. I've never seen any of the books she borrowed, again. And I haven't replaced Illusions, because I cannot find it in hardback and I can't remember the names of the other ones she borrowed, so I can't replace those either.. oh and did I tell you that she moved out of town and before she moved I asked her 5 times for the books back. Yeah, she ignored me.

So, I'm entering her contest to win the book and because she says it's an awesome book, I'll probably end up going to Barnes and Nobles and buy it, if I don't win it.


I've made a few changes on my blog if you haven't noticed... I've put the contests I enter on it's own page at Contests by others I've also moved my blog roll to it's on page too, as it was getting so long! That can be found at Bloggyland Blogs roll call

Now, the delimma I think I am having. Is it a contest or is it a giveaway? I'm afraid I'm rather perplexed with this issue. Like see here writers, witches and words, oh my! is having a "giveaway" as she calls it. A pretty good one too if I do say so, but of course, like every other people that have giveaways, there are hoops to go through. Like, blogging about it, commenting about it, following the blog and some even have a lot more to do in order to be in the running for the item(s) they are offering..

Is it a contest? Or are they ALL just giveaways? When I post my first "giveaway" and ask you to do a couple of things (though they won't be much because really, it's quite annoying and tedious to follow all these rules in order to win something) do I call it a give away? Or do I call it a Contest. Does it really freaking matter? Should I just put all the contests/giveaways on my special page for what I've been calling contests, even though they may just be giveaways? (Is your head spinning around like Linda Blair yet?)

Seriously, I like to enter these things. I like to win stuff. I just don't like being confused on what it is I am doing. Am I entering a contest or am I entering a giveaway. Am I doing a giveaway or am I doing a contest.

Tell me my bloggyland friends, while it seems rather trivial especially with all that is going on in my life, tell me what you think about this contest vs giveaway thing. Make it make sense though ok? The simple things really do elude me.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

And almost better!

This flu took a chunk out of my week to be sure. Not sure why I didn't just have it for a day or two, like most normal people... Oh wait, I'm not normal. I did feel well enough to go out last night and do some karaoke, but then I came home and slept ALL day long. The girl woke me up at 530p telling me that I should get up cause I'd been sleeping all day. HEY! I've been sick and there's nothing to do today any how, LET ME SLEEP. But, I never did get back to sleep. About ready for it now, but really want to catch up on some of my favorite bloggers, plus tomorrow's a holiday so I don't have to get up early to take the girl to school...

I had planned on doing a give away today. I thought Sundays would be a good day to start one and then pick a winner on Tuesday, but it doesn't look like I'll be doing it today. I'll see how I feel tomorrow and perhaps do it then, with the winner being selected on Weds... actually it might even work out better starting them on a Monday or Tuesday, since it looks like most people do their giveaways on Sundays and if you're all like me, you enter all of them... but after doing 3 or 4 at a time on one day, I get burnt out on it!

At any rate, keep watching for my first giveaway!

*Update on dad: "they've let him go home again after almost a week back in the hospital. They had a heart for him last week, twice, the first one wasn't good enough, no one on the UNOS list got it. The second one went to a man who was on a long and heart machine, sicker than dad. If it hadn't been a match for that man, my father would have gotten the heart. He has now been elevated to 1A on the list, which is reserved for the sickest people and also those who have artificial hearts. Please keep him in your prayers if you pray, light a candle for him should you do that or at the very least, think positive thoughts. Thank you*

Friday, January 16, 2009

Way to many blogs on my blog roll

Makes my blog look too busy and I just didn't like it. So, I've spent the last hour or so moving them to a new blog.... To see who's blogs I like to read, visit Bloggyland Blog Roll

Do check perodically as I'm sure I'll be adding more. I did delete some that I haven't been reading, or they haven't updated in more than 2 weeks... but still it's SO long!

But now it has it's on page!

It's Phriday Photo (where did the week go?)

Candid Carrie does this every week and it's a lot of fun looking at every one elses photos... So, here's my submission for the week:
A seagull in flight, Del Mar, Ca.

A beautiful sunset, also from Del Mar, Ca. (can you tell I love sunset pictures?)


Dad was on standby yesterday. They had a heart. If it wasn't a good one for this one guy, then Dad would get it... it was a fit for the other guy. I know I should be happy that someones husband, brother, father and son has a new chance at a good life, but really I'm just so selfish that I wish it wouldn't have been a fit... the man was sicker than my father...

But I ask, how much sicker than Dad can someone be? His heart functions at less than 10%, it is only the meds that keep him alive now. HOW MUCH SICKER DOES HE HAVE TO GET?

I want to just shake the doctors... shaking doctor syndrome heh.. maybe then he'll get a heart..

Weird thing is, I didn't find this out till this morning, but had a dream last night, 2 dates came to mind during my dream Jan 15th and Jan 22nd. Today's the 16th, so I guess my dream date kind of came true. My sister had a dream too, with the date of Feb 15th, so maybe, just maybe a heart will become available between the 22nd of Jan and the 15th of Feb... I do hope it is sooner, the sooner he gets it, the better chance he will be able to attend his only granddaughters graduation. They are both bummed that he may not be able to attend, though I assured him that I would be taking lots of pictures... it's just not the same though, you know? They are very very close, he has been a father figure for her and one day she wants him to walk her down the aisle when she gets married (that won't be for a long time though, she has other plans first)

So, please keep sending prayers, positive thoughts and light candles, or whatever you may do when helping others. I really do appreciate it. Alot.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

The Flu

Keep away from it. Just saying.

It's had it's grip on me for the last day and I am not a happy camper.

I won't go into the icky stuff..

Just know I have the flu and I feel icky.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

I LOVES my new background...

If you haven't already, go check out Lee at Lee's Free Custom Blog Layouts

She's awesome!!!!!!!

Monday, January 12, 2009

The rollercoaster ride...

They have upped the medication that dad takes, through an IV (this med is so strong that it would tear up his stomach and possibly his kidneys, so he is constantly hooked up to an IV, even at home)

Today, because of all your positive thoughts and prayers (I know for sure that is why) he is home again. Well, home in Phx, which isn't really home. He sounded so much more upbeat today and it was nice to hear his voice not sounding all depressed and sad.

While I don't know for sure, but my stepmother says she thinks that she overheard them talking (them=doctors) and have now placed him on the 1A list (this isn't definite just yet, she overheard this and they haven't said anything to them yet). 1A is usually reserved for the most sickest and those that have artificial hearts.

They are also still talking about putting a pump into his heart, which involves open heart surgery. This will cause more scarring and so has to be really weighed with a lot of information and discussing between doctors. (the meds are what keeps his heart going, even though the heart is pretty much completely dead, the last update on it was he was using less than 10% of his heart.) The problem with this, is it's open heart surgery...

I'm glad he has gotten to return home, as I honestly didn't think that would happen, nor did he. This should help a lot. He has his cats there that adore him, he's able to walk (with a walker) to the workout room in the complex and ride the bike there. He needs to do more exercise, to build up muscle mass which in the long run should help him after the surgery. Being stronger, helps.

They are statistics regarding open heart surgery, whether they put the pump in or the new heart. There's a 50/50 chance he won't make it off the table. There's a 70/30 chance that he will reject the new heart within 6 months... so all of it is pretty scary. I'm just very grateful that he has gotten to go home. This will help with his depression and hopefully will lift his spirits and soon there will be a heart available to him.

Thank you all again for your prayers, positive thoughts and candle lightening. I am so very grateful. This brings me some hope, that I had lost in the last few weeks...

Thank you again, all of you. It's so comforting to know that people care.


I mentioned Lee over at Lee's Free Custom Blog Layouts last night...

My first clue should have been the girl on the header banner, but no, not me. I just make assumptions. I told bloggyland that Lee was a boy! Duh!

No Bloggyland, Lee is not a boy, but rather a girl. Thank you Alicia at YaYa Stuff for cluing me in! Sorry Lee!

Seriously? SERIOUSLY???

I'm not at all obsessive. There's not an ounce of OCD in me. The proof is over there -------> See it?? That HUGE long line of blogs? The ones on my blog roll? DO.YOU.SEE.IT?

Dude, of course you do. How could you miss it? It's a mile freaking long! What the hell is wrong with me? And yes, I DO read them all, provided they've been updated and thankfully they don't all update on the same day. Still it can take me longer than a couple hours reading them, because of course I have to look at THEIR favorite blogs and click on the ones that look interesting to me (by their titles) and then I'm reading THAT blog and 9 times out of 10, I add it to my own blog roll...

The one thing that is probably my saving grace is that I rarely comment, or rather I use to rarely comment. I've found lately I've been doing more commenting than usual. Oh and if that list over there isn't enough, I realized that I don't even have to put their blog links over there, because if they belong to Blogger, then I can just follow them so, not only do I have tons of links over there ------> I also have blogs showing up in my email now.

I'm thinking I might have finally lost my mind all together. Maybe?

Now, during some of this reading, I've come across a blogger who makes free backgrounds. Of course I had to comment to him asking him to make me a background and a button even! His only requirement is to post his button on your site, should he design a background for you (so it's not all for nothing, this OCD of reading blogs). Bah! But, more buttons! I really need to make extra pages for my buttons and blog roll, because then you might not notice how OCD I've really become regarding the amount of blogs that I read. I also want to do book reviews and product reviews, which may also require their own pages. Oy Vey.

Oh, if you're at all curious about the dude that designs backgrounds, he can be found at Lee's Free Custom Blog Layouts He's designed some pretty neat ones actually. We shall see if he is able to design the one that I want.

I do keep saying I'm going to delete some of the blogs I have listed and I have deleted some of them, mostly those that have not updated in a while and then I think, but I really liked what they blogged before they stopped blogging for a while and not everyone can blog everyday, blah blah blah, so then I don't delete some.. but looking at it, I think it's time to do some deleting again. (especially since I just added like 12 more blogs to the list) oh yeah, it's time to delete, my OCD will just have to be put on a shelf... lets see how long THAT lasts!

Sunday, January 11, 2009

An update on my father...

He remains in the hospital. Each time I call him, I wake him up. Doesn't matter what time it is, I wake him up. Selfishly, I'm hoping he won't answer the phone, so I don't have to hear the sadness, the depression in his voice. But he answers each time, even though he's been napping.. he answers it anyways.

He's been taking to telling me he loves me, without my prompting him with my first telling him the same.. but for tonight when I called. I could hear my stepmothers voice in the background and before we hung up, I said, "I love you dad, get some rest" and the phone went dead.

It's important to know that while we "have" been getting along to an extent, since he got so sick (mostly because she needs me and the things that I can do for HER)her and I really have never gotten along. Oh I tried, once I hit a certain maturity in my life, I tried, but always to no avail. She has disliked me since the moment she met me when I was 8 years old.

And she is the reason I never thought my father loved me. Well, in all honesty, it lays with him too. As I look back I see that he was almost afraid to acknowledge that he loved/loves me and from tonights call - I think he still is.

That makes me sad and angry at the same time. And according to her, I don't do enough to help my father while he is sick. What more can I do? I can't move there like my stupid sister and her as old as her mother fiance can. I have children that I cannot uproot from school to move to Phx for what could be just a few more months or less if he doesn't make it. I don't think I'm being selfish with that, am I? I go down there every month and do what I can do, on an income of disability which is less than 1100$ a month. I have bills to pay, groceries to buy, kids to clothe and roof and yet I still manage to go there every month, staying in a hotel and going out to eat for the days we are there. Like before, when my gram was dying, I had done the same and I just managed to have money saved in an account again and now I am broke from the traveling, again.

I know that I am selfish, when I say I hope he doesn't answer the phone because "I" don't want to hear the pain in his voice, but am I being selfish when I say I don't want to go down there because I can't afford to nor do I want to see him that way, wasting away to nothing? The lines are blurred. The accusations flying. I'm not a good daughter because I'm not down there more and my nutcase sister (who btw, I had to bail out of jail the last time I was in Phx, for a DUI and dad has no idea about it nor did my stepmother thank me even once.. no one but me to get her out, no one else would, her fiance kept calling me telling me that I better do it, because he wasn't going to do it, wtf?)... she can go up every weekend. Her fiance somehow has money, though neither of them work, plus she doesn't live 4.5/5 hours away, only 2. And each time I have come home from there, it's taken me at least 7 hours to get home... last time I was in the car for 13 hours! 13 HOURS between the traffic, getting a flat tire and running out of gas - who the hell wants to make that kind of trip??

On an aside, I wrote a post about how I thought others were lying when they talked about how wonderful their lives were. I wasn't singling any one person out or even thinking of any one in particular when I wrote that. I guess I was just frustrated that my life is such shit right now, it makes it difficult to believe that others are having a good time. My thinking is shot I guess. My life has never been easy, no one has ever told me that it would be.. maybe I'm jealous of those who appear to have it all together, when it feels and looks like my life just keeps crumbling more and more. The last 6 years have been far more difficult for me than I could have believed would be true, at least in adulthood, especially after some of the things I have gone through as an adult...

I was just bitching. Sorry to those that may have taken it personal, I honestly didn't mean for it to be taken that way.

So, here's the deal..

I enter a lot of contests. I also have a huge blog roll..

So, this is what I am thinking. Creating a second and third page to hold my blog roll and the other one for the contests. Somehow, linking both back to this, my main blog. I would still do the weekly winners photo contest that Sarcastic Mom holds every Sunday and also the Phriday Photo Phiesta that Candid Carrie does, here on my main blog, but the other stuff I think would be better on their own blog...

Mostly I'm thinking this because I've also been adding some buttons to my blog making it real busy (maybe I need a fourth page, just for the buttons?) What I would really like to do is figure out how to create a 3rd column, so I have one column on the left and one on the right (remember, I've been asking for help with this? To no avail mind you)IF I could figure out how to do that or get some help, then I might not need more pages to hold other stuff...

Also, if anyone knows how to create a button, the html for it, so that I can offer one to my readers, I'd really appreciate the help with that! Apparently, I am "Blogger" challenged. I use to be so good at this computer stuff... I must be getting old and losing my mind... oh wait, I lost my mind years ago! So, I haven't any real excuse, other than I'm blond?!?!

Thoughts from anyone in bloggyland would be appreciated!

Mkay, thanks.

Not quite Martha Stewart giveaway

Carey over at Not Quite Martha Stewart is giving away a great little package of goodies.

The package includes, A blue Mom's Planner Organizer, a magnetic "To-Do" List, Mom & Me chapsticks, 3 of them and Absolutely Organized: A Mom's Guide to a No-Stress Schedule and Clutter-Free Home by Debbie Lillard.

See, great things! Check out her giveaway and while you're at it, browse her blog too!

Camera Strap Slipcover...

The Secret is in the Sauce is having another giveaway! I love this site, they constantly are giving things away..and it's all great stuff everytime!

I don't normally win, but it's still fun to participate! So, this week they are giving away Camera Strap Slipcovers. These straps are handmade and sold by Shealynn in her Etsy shop My favorite one is Summer Days though I also like the black and white ones too...

As an aside, I love browsing and purchasing things from Etsy everything there is handmade and there are some really great things there! I hope to open my own Etsy shop eventually, selling my candles. Go check out Etsy, especially check out Shealynns Camera Strap Slipcovers, they are really cute and practical!

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Weekly photo contest

It's not quite Sunday, but I thought I would post this now, since I'm not sure I'll have time tomorrow to do so... I really have to be creative tomorrow and get the garage cleaned back up after the holidays. So, here are a couple of pictures I've taken..
I took this picture on the Arizona side of Hoover Dam as I was hysterically crying at around mile marker 4 and just ran out of gas... through my tears, I saw this beautiful sunset.

For this particular contest, I don't normally post pictures of the animals or my kids, I really prefer pictures of scenery for this weekly contest, not sure why, just my way of doing things.. so I've deviated a bit here below. This is the girls dog, sitting in her little pink carry purse. I swear this dog still looks like gizmo!

You can see more weekly photos at Sarcastic Mom's weekly photos


I found a new blog, it's All about Cakes and I've been looking through it and yummy yummy has she got some awesome looking and taste sounding cake pictures and recipes going on over there. Check her out!

Plus she's holding her first ever giveaway at All about Cakes giveaway

My mouth is watering thinking about her cakes!

Oh and yes, soon I will be having my own giveaway, finally. I'm waiting for some new items to arrive so I can make some more candles and then I will have my giveaway. Stay tuned!

Why oh why?

*111th thing you may not know about me: I hate chit chat, small talk and malicious gossip, unless of course it's something I've made up about myself, than I love to hear it!*

I read a ton of blogs, most of them "mommy blogs". I enjoy them, I like to read about others lives, especially when they are witty and humorous. I also like the tear jerker ones and then I do have a couple of favorite ones that I look forward to reading.

But, lately I've noticed something on many of the bloggers "profiles". They are all married to WONDERFUL men or HOT wives. Always there's some mushy mush type adjective describing the significant other of the blogger.

Maybe I am just cynical and less gullible than most people, or perhaps I'm really just very jaded, however I can't seem to grasp the "fact" that everything is honky dory and these people are married to the most perfect person in the world. And while it looks like that with most of them, from reading their blogs and never a word about "problems" with said significant other... frankly, I think they are lying, mostly by leaving things out. Why blog if you can't be honest with what is going on in your life? I know, you're probably thinking, how do you know they are lying?

I wasn't born yesterday.

I suppose that most people simply want to blog about all the happy things going on in their lives, while I prefer to share everything that comes to mind. Good, bad, indifferent..

My life isn't perfect and I simply don't believe that others are either, even if they are married to Mr Wonderful (and have all sucked up all the Mr. Wonderfuls in the world, thus me still being single) or their HOT wives, something no one would ever call me, even if he really thought that, I would nix it. Life just isn't made of all good things...

Life is life. It's good, it's bad, it's ugly and it's sweet. There are hard times and soft times (and no, that is not a reference to sex, geez get your mind out of the gutter). There's lessons to be learned and applied. There's dirty things to be cleaned up and there's clean things to dirty up...

Yeah, I guess I am pretty jaded. I just can't believe that their lives are so very perfect.

(I've done some housekeeping and removed a few from my blog roll. I've decided if someone hasn't updated in 2 weeks then they are removed. I've always got 10 more waiting in the wings to add, so while I remove blogs from my reading list, it never seems to get smaller! Bah.)

Friday, January 9, 2009

Table Toppers

*110th thing you may not know about me: I collect Winnie the Pooh things* (from now on, when I blog to enter a contest, I'm not going to include my things you may not know about me, just makes it easier for me!)

So... Days Like These is giving away Table Topper giveaway and one of the best parts is that they are Winnie the Pooh design!

They are also biodegradable and on the site TableToppers you can find all sorts of wonderful items in many different designs. They are biodegradable, disposable and very eco-friendly. Check them out! And while your at it, check out the blog Days Like These Tshirts

This is a great looking tshirt company! I've looked through the site and all tshirts are 10$ each. My favorite so far is "Everyone wants a Peace", you can see it here Everyone wants a Peace.

If anyone knows me, they know me well enough that Peace, both worldwide and within oneself, is very important to me, one of the few things I am very passionate about. Thus my really liking that particular t-shirt at

Their t-shirts are unique, different artists designing their t-shirts, passionate about t-shirts and many other things, which gives you an eclectic selection of designs!

Check them out and let me know what you think!

And yet another contest!

Even though I haven't any babies, I do expect to be a grandmother within the next few years (maybe this year, as my son has informed me that he and my beautiful daughter in law plan on starting a family this year!) I'm entering this contest so that I can win the Busy Bee Diaper Bag to put away for when they DO get pregnant!

So over at Frugal Mommy of 2 girls she is giving one of these away!

My DIL would LOVE this, so crossing my fingers once again for a win!!

Oh hey, wow..

Lookie over there ----------> well, scroll down a bit too... but look!!

I have 3 stalkers..err followers! Dude, I totally do and I just noticed a few minutes ago!

Hi People! Welcome! I'm lost, but being a girl, I'll probably stop for directions here and there, so don't worry, it might take me a while to get there, but eventually I'll get there, no matter where "there" might be. Just be patient and you might see some pretty wonderful things, okay well lets be honest here..

You're going to see the good, the bad, the pretty and the ugly. Sometimes all at once and I might even notice that I'm showing you all of it at one time, but often times I won't notice right away, because I do get lost and forget that in everything there is the good, the bad, the pretty and the ugly.

So, sit down, put your seatbelt on and hold on to that car thing up there above the door and prepare yourselves for well, what else? Life. My life. It's not always great, but it's still my life and I don't mind sharing it with you, in fact, I almost always feel better inside when I do share it with you. Feel free to post comments, suggestions, advice (solicited or not) and not that I am normally mean, but if you're mean to me, I'll probably be mean back (would you expect anything less?), though so far everyone has been pretty cool when leaving comments. Bloggyland has been berry berry good to me!

Again, welcome aboard, I hope you enjoy your stay!

*Oh and the 109th thing you may not know about me: My favorite color is blue and I even have my toenails painted blue every once in a while!*

How I didn't clean after the holidays, but still had a clean house!

You might remember that I won a 100$ gift certificate to from The Parent Bloggers Network. Well, now I am trying to win a 250$ visa gift card, something I could really really use right now. PBN has SC Johnson, Right at Home on their site letting us know that there are tons of different cleaning and other type tips on the site... PBN is curious, how we cleaned up or didn't clean up after the holidays...

In my case, I didn't really clean up. On Christmas, the girl and I went to her best friends home for dinner. I helped cook and cleared the table of dishes, but I didn't really do much more than that...

I then left for Phx the day after Christmas, which is the day I usually take the tree down and pack away all the Christmas stuff. It was just the boy and I that went to Phx, leaving the girl here at the house. Her best friends family looked out for her and her BF was allowed to stay at the house while I was gone. Before I left, I asked the girl to please clean the house up a bit. Do the dishes, wipe the counters down, make sure her dog didn't leave presents for us in the living room and if she did, to pick those up immediately, vacuum every day, just keep the house in some sort of decent order so I didn't come home to a house in complete disarray. It was bad enough that I'd have to come home to Christmas decorations, I didn't want to come home to a huge mess too...

I came home to a spotless house. My tree and Christmas stuff were all put away, the walls had been cleaned, the fridge was cleaned out, the microwave was cleaned, the kitchen counters had been scrubbed, as had the floor. The one bathroom was spotless (the other one is mine, it was left alone which was fine) I mean it, seriously, the house was spotless.

It turned out that the girls BF called her mother and asked if she would help clean up my house as a gift to me, to alleviate the stress I was already under having to go to Phx again... and she did! Along with her other daughter, the four of them cleaned my house!!

I was incredibly grateful to them. Sent a thank you note and hope to get together with the mother sometime, she was a nice lady, I'd actually had a good time on Christmas at their house, we played a game called Partini that was hysterical and the conversation was good.. a little more small talk than I like, but it was okay and I didn't really have to do much, but help her out in the kitchen which I didn't mind at all.

So, that's how I didn't clean after the holidays, yet my house still got cleaned.

Now, cross your fingers I win that 250$ visa gift card!

Photo Phriday, with Candid Carrie

*108th thing you may not know about me: All three of my kids have different fathers. I never wanted to marry again and I certainly didn't plan on having kids "that" way, but it is what it is*

In keeping with NaBloPoMo for January, I've been attempting to blog each day, though as you can see, I've either missed a few days or have posted more than one post a day, but what the hell, it's the intention that counts.

And then there is Photo Phriday or as Candid Carrie calls it "Friday Foto Finish Fiesta" here is a couple of my favorite "fotos" I'm pretty sure I haven't shared these yet, hope not!

The both of these were taken on Mt. Charleston, the first one I love because it was actually a color picture, but somehow transferring it from my camera to my computer it appears to have became black and white...

And this one is just silly. The boy and his big brother did this one, at the lodge that sits on the very top of Mt. Charleston, where there were people, people who actually saw them doing this and then came inside and watched the two of them come sit with me, at my table... Yeah, people saw them make that snowman, then sit at the same table I was at... They're never to old too embarrass you, trust me.

Something is wrong...

*107th thing you might not know about me: I have horrible insomnia, even with taking over the counter sleeping pills*

My cat, Blizzard, won't stop meowing. It's that low guttural howling meowing and he is pacing back and forth throughout the house. I've never seen him like this. Blizzard is my cat, he doesn't like people in my room, including the kids. If they hang out on my bed for to long, he gets angry. He doesn't let anyone pet him but me and god forbid there's a man in my bed, he won't talk to me or sleep on my bed for days.

But something isn't right. He's been howling for hours. What's he picking up on I don't know, I guess when I am supposed to know, I'll know.

This is Blizzard. He has beautiful blue eyes, but is very camera shy, hates his picture taken...

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Another contest, yes...

*106th thing you may not know about me: I'm a contest junkie*

Sunshine and Lemonade is having an awesome give away. Check her out!

Some more to get off my chest...

*105th thing you may not know about me: I think most times I'm ugly*

I just needed to write a bit more about my father.. it's really the only way I know how to process things, write them, read them, absorb them, process them and hopefully acknowledge and accept them...

I tell my father each and every time before we hang up the phone that I love him and when I am in Phx with him, I make sure to let him know that I love him and it's only been the last couple of months that he has been telling me, I love you too. Which still had me feeling like, he's only saying that because I said it to him. (I told him plenty as a child that I loved him, but never heard it back). So for him to initiate that conversation with me tonight, both scared me and filled me with joy. I think he believes he is going to die and if I am honest, I am feeling the same way.

I don't know how much more he can take of this, being back in the hospital depresses him, which makes him sicker too. I don't know how far technology has come, if it can keep him alive indefinitely till a heart, a good heart, comes available. I don't know if "God" has plans for him to live or die.

I've hit a bottom. At one moment I am cursing "God" and the next begging "Him", even going as far as begging my beloved gram to help, to not take him yet. I close my eyes and see my father how he once was, large and alive.. as a child, I believed he walked on water, until the pain of being his daughter became too much for me and he fell off his pedestal, breaking my heart and soul.

And now, my heart and soul is breaking again. I know we are never ready to lose a loved one, I intellectually understand this, my heart and soul do not understand and I seem incapable of lining up my mind, heart and soul together, to be one with each. I cannot seem to find that peace that I know I'm able to find other times and so I am baffled. Acceptance is not coming and wisdom is eluding me. Fear has overcome me and sleep has been impossible lately. It is almost as if I am afraid to sleep, afraid I will miss the phone call, whichever call it may be. Fear is like a shadow that hangs over me at all times. Strength is no longer an option, there is no strength left in me. As I watch him get sicker and sicker, I die inside more and more. I have no one to lean on, no one to call in the middle of the night when I can't sleep or if somehow I've managed to drift off and have a nightmare. Even if I did, I'm not sure I'd call someone anyways... weakness is disgusting to me and yet, here I am weak, powerless, scared out of my mind and I'm utterly disgusted with myself.

And I have sat here reading this over and over, not really wanting to send it in, not wanting you all to really see how so very weak and disgusting I have become... and yet my ego is just low enough that I know I need to share this with you, that I need for you to see me at my lowest, a place I never thought would be lower than when I lost my gram... yet here I am lower then that time. I need for you to see it and I'm not quite sure why. I've been sharing about my father for so long, I imagine most are tired of reading my whining, but what else can I do anymore... seems that's all I'm capable of doing here anymore... whine and complain. Weak and disgusting.

So, once again, if you are so inclined to, please keep my father in your prayers, or light a candle for him, or send out positive thoughts for him. Leave me out of it please, send them for him he needs it all much more than I do. One day, someway, somehow when I least expect it, my mind, my heart and my soul will align with each other and that acceptance and wisdom that eludes me now, will find it's way into my life. For now, focus on him, please...

Right after I published that last post....

*104th thing you probably do know about me: I'm scared to death that my father is going to die, very soon*

I hit publish on my last post and my phone rang. It was my father. I had intended on calling him when I was finished with my last post, since it's free for me after 7pm and I like to speak to him each day...

He is back in the hospital. His numbers were down, they didn't like them and the meds aren't doing for him what they should be doing. He says he'll be there awhile. I think he means, till he dies or gets another heart. I know he could hear the fear in my voice, he didn't want to talk he said, but he needed to tell me a few things...

First, they had a heart for him Monday night. (I'm not sure if I mentioned this, but he is type 0 blood and finding him a heart is difficult, he is also as of the other day 4th on the list for his type of blood and body) All the doctors arrived at the hospital (though he was not told this until today) and spent an hour going over the heart, testing it, looking at it and arguing about it, eventually deciding that it wasn't good enough, not for him and as it turned out... not for anyone. By this time, me the one who is strong, who never breaks down in front of him, who holds her head up and on straight, because as I've said before, I am the oldest child, I am the strongest one of the entire family - my life required me to be stronger than the rest of them, including the adults, I was crying. I don't know if he could tell, I suspect he could, though I wasn't hyperventilating and they were silent tears, but I could hear my voice cracking, I'm sure he could too.

He than told me "Take care of the kids" I asked if he wanted me to come down and he said "No, stay there and take care of the kids" "Tell them I love them very much". I assured him that they knew that and I would tell them anyways, plus that they loved him very much too.

He then said that he wanted to get off the phone and I told him to get some rest and I would call him in the morning...

Before he hung up he said to me..

"I want you to know that I love you very much. I know you don't think I do, I know you've never thought that I loved you, but I do, more than you would believe"

I lost it.

I let him know that I knew he loved me, even though he never really tells me and that it was okay, WE were okay. I let him know that I loved him (which I always tell him) and I also let him know that I loved him all the time, even when he wasn't sick. He chuckled when I said that, though I'm not really sure it was funny. At least I wasn't trying to be funny, but if it made him smile, than all is good.

If you're so inclined to, please send positive thoughts and/or prayers that this will have a good outcome. My beliefs are of such that I know that whatever happens will happen for a reason, either he dies or gets a new heart and really there's nothing to be done about it, but wait and hope for the best. But I have also seen the power of positive thoughts, the power of prayers work for others, so I am now at a point of trying anything and everything so that my children's grandfather will live long enough to see the younger two graduate high school, college, get married (he would be the one to walk the girl down the aisle)maybe even long enough to meet his great grandchildren... so, I'm pulling out all the things I know even though they go against my beliefs to an extent and begging for positive thoughts from all of you in bloggyland, a chain of positive thoughts and prayers.



*103rd thing you may not know about me: I have blue eyes, rather light blue eyes, yet I still on occasion wear, blue contacts! Bah.*

I bought the boy a computer for his birthday in Oct. I bought it in Sept on sale, under 500$. A nice one, Compaq Presario. Almost nicer than my own HP. While down in Az visiting with Dad, he had it on the edge of the table (as he says) and the cats were running around wild and one of them knocked it over. It cracked the screen and so it no longer works. It turns on, the screen is white with some black spots on it and you can see the crack in it..

I finally got around to calling HP (I didn't know till today, that is who makes Compaq)and figured it was still under manufacturers warranty. I told them it was cracked and lied, saying I didn't know how it happened. (I can't remember where I bought it at, Circuit City or Best Buy, but I might have gotten an accidental warranty for it, so I have to call them tomorrow) at any rate... I asked how much it would cost to be fixed...

Are you sitting down? Yeah, you better sit down. Sitting now?



Yeah, really. FOR A FREAKING NEW SCREEN!!!!!!! Oh but wait, there's the cost of sending a box to the house and the cost of shipping the computer to them and back to me which could cost maybe what? 40$? I offered to get the box and ship it myself and they can send it to me back, COD... How much now will it cost..


I could go and buy a new laptop for less than that right now. What the hell are they thinking?

So, I called the first computer repair guy that came up on my google search and he said he'd come get the computer, the screen would be 200$ (though if they charged him less he would certainly give me a better deal than that) and labor was 100$. Ok, so far I've saved 140$. Tomorrow, I call Circuit City and Best Buy to see if I bought the warranty thingie. Then, at Peters suggestion (Peter is the computer guy I spoke to) I will call a few other computer repair places before I commit to him. He seemed nice enough, said it was a family business and blah blah blah...

I could spit nails right now. This boy of mine is so careless, so hard on everything. He got an ipod shuffle for Christmas and he claims the kitten ran off with it! For days now I've been telling him to search the living room and find it and he's done nothing. I finally found it under the couch.

The girls not high on my list of being very happy either... she refuses to study for her driving test, has failed it 4 times now. She has a car sitting in the driveway, for almost a year now and won't make the effort. She keeps talking about turning 18 and seems to think she won't have to take the test then, that she'll just get a license.. I swear these kids have lost some brain cells somewhere along the way. I guess she'll have to find out the hard way, rather than listen to her mother who knows these things...


*102nd thing you might not know about me: I spent 6 weeks in Israel, Lebanon and Egypt when I was 12* (more about that another time, plus some other travels)

The girl and I went to look at furniture the other day. I decided that I wanted a new couch and maybe a loveseat. What we had was 3rd generation hand me downs, that had huge holes in them, the arm on one side was all wood from the cats clawing it and frankly it was the most uncomfortable sectional in the whole world.

I decided that I wasn't going cheap. They fall apart to fast. I knew what my limit was and was going to stick to it, but I wasn't going to one of those cheap furniture places either. So we went to this place down the street that always has sales going on. Their furniture is very modern and chic, which isn't quite me. I'm more woodsy kind of old fashion actually, but sometimes I do like the modern things...

In this store, there are steps all over, with caution signs above them all. I noticed this, I paid attention to them as we walked around looking at different couches, sitting on them, trying them out... and then..

Across the room I saw it. A black leather couch, with fabric cushions that were white with black weaved into them. The back pillows are also fabric (I don't like those couches that have a ton of pillows on the back of them, these just had 2 regular pillows) plus the couch and loveseat had two black fabric pillows on each end too. I got excited. I pointed them out to the girl as I made my way as quickly as possible, not paying attention to anything, just keeping my eye on those couches thinking if I took my eye off of them they'd somehow disappear...

And then it happened.

A stair. My left foot (which is the one and only bone I've ever broken and which I live in chronic pain from it as it didn't heal like it should have)hit the floor, twisted around and knocked me on my ass. Totally my fault, I knew that there was a stair here and there in the store, I had seen the caution signs, but that couch mesmerized me! I could barely walk. I limped my way over to the couches and sat down and fell in love with the couches.

The next day I had already an appointment with my pain management doctor and when I showed him my foot, which was swollen and bruised, he was not pleased. I didn't break it again, but he found a hairline fracture. I still was limping and he's given me the choice of putting my boot back on (the one I wore for 3 months when I first broke it) or not. He said it would heal either way. But, instead of seeing him again in a month, I have to see him again in 2 weeks. Not just because of the fracture, but the nerostimulator that is implanted in me, isn't working right. I have 2 wires in the middle of my back, one on each side of my spine and they have somehow moved (of course, this is a rare thing and it would happen to me) the right one is kind of crooked and moved over to the left side, the left one has fallen down a bit... so if we can't get the machine to work right in 2 weeks, I will have to have surgery again. NOT looking forward to that at all...

Oh the couches? I bought them. Went about 200$ above my budget, but they are awesome and make my living room look like a different living room all together. (I'll take a picture in the next couple of days and post it) I also bought this spray stuff from the pet store to keep the cats from scratching on them. The only thing is, the cushions are predominately white and I keep freaking out about the boy and his friend sitting on them. I've noticed some dirt already which has me upset and I keep telling him he can't eat on them and now I've told him he can't even sit on them! I'm hoping that I can wash the cushions. I just wanted something nice, something that lasted, something I could be proud of when someone comes over... so, I've become a bit obsessive over the whole couch stuff...

Oh and I finally found a Wii!! It took me 3 weeks. I called Walmart the other morning early early and asked if they had any in yet and the guy said, yes, we have one. I begged him to hold it for me that I'd be there in 5 minutes and he did!! And I've just found a Wii Fit on eBay, I'm so excited! Hopefully, I'll get a chance to play with my Wii, since it seems to have been taken over by the boy and his friend. I want to say to him.. go play your XBox! His brother bought him XBox live for Christmas, so you would think he'd play that instead of my Wii!!

Yeah, I know.. I'm a bit stingy when I get things. I just know how hard the boy is on things and things get broken all the time by him. I'm considering putting a ban on the couches and Wii... or maybe bringing my Wii into my room... heh, sometimes I can be such a child. But hey, I have a fractured foot that hurts and so I should get to play my Wii whenever I want to.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Rise Against - Hero of War song lyrics

101st something you don't know about me... My ex husband remarried 2 months after our divorce and is still married.

Hero of War song lyrics: (I love this song, you can hear it at this link Rise Against Song)

He said son, have you seen the world?
What would you say if I said that you could,
Just carry this gun; you'll even get paid,
I said that sounds pretty good.
Black Leather boots; Spit-Shined so bright,
They cut off my hair, but it looks alright.
We marched and we sang; we all became friends,
as we learned how to fight.

A Hero of War, yeah that's what i'll be,
and when i come home they'll be damn proud of me.
I'll carry this flag, to the grave if i must, because it's a flag that i love; and a flag that i trust...

I kicked in the door; I yelled my commands
The children they cried, but i got my man,
We took him away; a bag over his face, from his family and his friends.
They took off his clothes, they pissed in his hands, I told them to stop; but then i joined in.
We beat him with guns, and batons not just once; but again and again.

A Hero of War, yeah that's what i'll be,
and when i come home they'll be damn proud of me.
I'll carry this flag, to the grave if i must, because it's a flag that i love; and a flag that i trust...

She walked
The bullets in haze; i asked her to stop; I begged her to stay
But she pressed on; so I lifted my gun, and I fired away...
And the shells, jumped through the smoke, and into the sand
and the blood now half-soaked.
She collapsed; with a flag in her hand.
A flag white of snow....

A hero of war, is that what they see?
Just medals and scars, so damn proud of me.
And i brought home that flag; now it gathers dust,
But its a flag that i love; the only flag I trust.

He said son, have you seen the world?
What would you say if I said that you could....

My 100th post

Apparently, there's some sort of thing that people do when they reach their 100th post, at least that's what I've noticed on many of the blogs I read. They write 100 things about themselves that their readers may not know about them...

I tend to blog just about everything, so I don't know what my bloggyland readers know and don't know about me and I could just forget doing it all together, however for some reason I feel like doing it. This could take all day long, but what the hell, at the very worst, you'll learn things about me that you probably don't need to or want to know (and probably will think poorly of me for some of them).. at the very best, I might learn things about me that I've forgotten or haven't realized yet..also, they aren't going to be in any sort of order, I'll probably jump around but will do my best to put my ages so it can sort of be understood... so, here goes.

1) I love Harley's, especially when I get to ride with the wind on my knees.
2) I have 10 tattoo's, most all of them designed by me. The one on my neck is the dove of peace, in some clouds. My oldest boy has the same one on his elbow. We got them together.
3) I am currently designing my 11th and 12th tattoo's with the hopes of getting at least one in the next week or so.
4) I was born with blond curly hair.
5) My mother dressed me as raggedy ann one year for Halloween with all that curly hair.
6) My hair got darker as I got older and with the help of chemicals, it's back to blond.
7) I began coloring my hair when I was 14. The first time it was strawberry blond
8) When I was 17, people told me I looked like a young Ann Margaret.
9) I met who would be my one and only husband when I was 16.
10) I married my one and only husband when I was 19, I was 3 months pregnant with my oldest child.
11) I divorced my one and only husband when I was 21.
12) I began doing a lot (and I mean a lot) of drugs during my bitter divorce. My drugs of choice then was Meth and Cocaine.
13) I lost custody of my baby boy as a direct result of all the drugs I was doing, as well as a lying soon to be ex husband.
14) I entered a treatment hospital to get off of said drugs at the age of 22, for 33 days and have been clean 22 years this Feb 15th.
15) I grew up friends with Gina, Annette Funicello's oldest daughter.
16) I lived down the street from the Jackson family and went to school with Janet Jackson, though she was 2 years behind me.
17) At 15 I was an extra in a movie called "Last Married Couple in America" starring, Robert Wagner, Natalie Wood (her last movie) and George Segal (I think that is his name). I've also been in a few of the old Battlestar Galactica series.
18) I've never remarried, though I received 5 marriage proposals, not counting my first one that I did marry.
19) Even though I never remarried, I had 2 more beautiful children.
20) I've raised both children on my own, but for a 2 year time when my boys father lived with us.
21) He moved out the week the boy was born.
22) The boys father owes me 47+ thousand dollars in back child support.
23) The girls father owes me 21+ thousand dollars in back child support.
24) The girls father beat me, verbally and mentally abused me for 3 years, including while I was pregnant with her.
25) Because of one brutal beating, the girl turned herself around and was a breech baby, causing me to have a c-section.
26) Because of the brutal beatings I took, I was told to never get pregnant again, that it could kill me and the baby.
27) I didn't listen and got pregnant again with the boy.
28) When he was a week old, they thought I was going to have a stroke and I was put into the hospital for a week.
29) A week after that I contracted some type of infection that put me back into the hospital for another 2 weeks.
30) Even though we missed out on that early bonding, the boy and I are very close, he is by all accounts, a mama's boy.
31) My stepmother beat me repeatedly from the age of 8 till 11 when I finally began fighting back and she took some beatings from me.
32) My father was once very successful and wealthy. He and his wife pissed that money away, gambling and other things.
33) From the age of 8 till 16, we spent 2 weeks each summer in Hawaii.
34) At the age of 18, while living with the man who would become my one and only husband, he cheated on me and I moved to Hawaii for almost a year.
36) I was married in Midland/Odessa Texas. None of my family or his came.
37) My oldest boy is married. I love my daughter in law like she was my own child and they are talking about starting a family this year. I can't wait to be a grandmother!
38) My ex and I moved back to California about 4 months after getting married and my father gave us a huge reception.
39) My oldest boy (who is 24) was born in Martinez, California.
40) The girl (who is almost 18) was born in Van Nuys, California.
41) My baby boy (who is 13) was born in Las Vegas, Nevada.
42) Though not easy to tell, I am borderline genius and teeter sometimes on the side of insanity. Thus my odd ramblings at times. Thank you, Bipolar disease.
43) Very simple things elude me.
45) I once actually asked someone who told me that it was going to snow... "From the sky?". I was totally serious.(we were in PA at the time) A little old lady who wrote a small column in a local PA paper wrote about me saying that and a few other things. I still have the clipping, maybe one day I'll scan it and share it.
46) When the boy was 2, I woke up one morning, packed our house up (in Vegas) and moved to PA a week later, not knowing anyone or where we would live and winding up in a little town called Hermanie, near Pittsburgh, PA.
47) 9 months after moving to PA, we moved to Lynchburg, Va for 2 miserable months.
48) While in VA, I had an interview over the phone for a job in New Jersey and was hired.
49) We moved to a beautiful little artsy town called Lambertville, NJ.
50) We lived right on the Delaware River and often crossed the bridge to another little artsy town called New Hope, PA which I loved to visit.
51) For Halloween at the age of 10 I wanted to be a record. Mother made me a cardboard record album as a Helen Ready Album.
52) I have been in love with Jackson Browne since I was 12 years old.
53) I read The Prophet for the first time at 12.
54) I lost my beloved Papa, the only grandfather I ever had (mothers father passed when she was 3) at the age of 7. I remember exactly where I was when mother told me.
55) I lost my beloved grandmother in 2005 to cancer. She was the one who pretty much raised me and was the most incredible woman I've ever known. I hope that I am half as incredible as she was.
56)While living in PA,VA and NJ I had an affair with a married man. Not something I'm proud of, having been the one being cheated on more than once, I should have known better, since...
57) At the age of 33, I also had an affair with a 63 year old married man and had to call it off, when he decided he was going to leave his wife for me. Not proud of this either, but the affair was based a lot on money that he would give me. I did what I did as a single mother who was struggling financially and he helped me out. I know what I did was wrong and since the second affair, I've never done it again and have no intentions of ever doing it again.
58) Mother kicked me out of the house when I was 13 for stealing 4 dollars from her purse. That apparently was the last straw for her.
59) I lived with my father and his wife for about 6 months after that, till I couldn't take it anymore and moved into the neighbors home next door.
60) Mother let me move back in with her when I was 17. That lasted a week, when I broke curfew and some dude called at 130am waking mother up and having her find that I broke curfew, so she kicked me out again.
61) Though I was dating my one and only husband, I moved in with the dude that called that night. I had no other place to go, but I only stayed a week since he wanted me to sleep with his friends.
62) After leaving the dudes house, I lived in my car for 6 months. My one and only husband lived with his parents still so I couldn't live with him.
63) Tired of living in the car, I begged my grandmother for some money to rent a small room right off of Van Nuys Blvd.
64) I met my one and only husband, while cruising Van Nuys Blvd.
65) I use to take Thorazine for fun.
66) I did acid, heroin and mushrooms often in my teen years.
67) My favorite TV shows are ER, Greys Anatomy and some odd reality shows. I'm also a news junkie, watching CNN and Headline News for hours can keep me entertained.
69) I was on some form of birth control, each of the 4 times I got pregnant.
70) I had a miscarriage between my oldest boy and the girl.
71) I drove cross country, from NJ to NV 4 times one summer, just because I love to travel.
72) I took different routes each time. Though I was stuck in Fort Leavenworth, KS once for 3 days, but it felt more like 3 years.
73) The boy has seen/been in almost every state there is.
74) I love a little town called Glenwood, in the Colorado Rocky Mountains.
75) I was in a horrific car accident at 19, when my ex husband fell asleep at the wheel, over corrected and rolled the truck. I was asleep, thrown through the back windshield, hit the Harley, the tailgate and spun around the desert just outside of Deming, New Mexico. No bones were broken, though they originally thought my neck was broken and didn't have the right equipment so they sent me to Las Cruces, New Mexico for treatment. I was in the hospital about a week, coming out of it with some nasty cuts and road rash, but no broken bones.
76) I broke my first bone at the age of 40, at a Casino. It was the Hotel/Casino's fault, but I got screwed in the settlement. I now live with chronic pain in my foot and a nerostimulator implanted in my back.
77) I have piercings, not just in my ears.
78) I LOVE the snow.
79) I read a lot of books, usually 2 to 3 at a time.
80) I use to be an escort for oriental men. Good money, weird profession.
81) I helped put together at least 10 of the Indian Casinos that exist. Designing logos for table games and chips and selling them all their equipment.
82) I once bought a triple wide mobile home and lost it in foreclosure. I've never owned another home again.
83) I love country music, but also love old rock and roll.
84) I use to go to headbanging concerts, like Metallica and Slayer, with the girls father. The first time I saw a mosh pit, I thought that a fight had broken out. Duh.
85) I believe in random acts of kindness and attempt to do them as much as I can. I also believe that you don't tell anyone of these random acts, or it cancels them out and you sound like a braggart.
86) I'm a published writer. I was the only heterosexual writer for a gay magazine here in Vegas. I loved it.
87) I smoke way to much.
88) I use to have lots of one night stands. Nowadays I'm too afraid to do things like that, fear of diseases.
89) I had a nervous breakdown after 9/11 and moved back to NV 3 weeks after the attacks.
90) I lost 3 friends when the first tower fell.
91) My father had his first triple bypass at the age of 40. Everyone got drunk during the operation, except me. I was then accused by his wife of not caring about him, because I didn't go across the street and get drunk with the rest of the family.
92)I bought my first brand new car (Jeep Cherokee Laredo) in 2006 and had my first ever car payment at 40. I paid the Jeep off last year.
93) I love karaoke and am often told I should go on American Idol. Bah. I'm too old. It took me years to sing again, after being told when I was younger, by my stepfather that I sounded like a dead cow. I get a lot of compliments on my singing and maybe had I been given encouragement I might have had a singing career.
94) I have one man that I have sex with on a regular basis, but neither one of us wants to take the relationship to a higher level. I adore this man, but can't see us being "boyfriend/girlfriend"... though we are monogamous.
95) I have one friend that I've known since I was 15. We are still friends, she lives in KY. Other than that, I have very few women friends, since I don't trust very well and I think most women compete with each other for whatever reason and I believe that women can be very brutal to each other. I also refuse to compete with women, regardless if they are a friend or not.
96) Almost every piece of clothing I own is black, though I have branched out lately to some gray and some pink.
97) I've lost 48 pounds since having the Lap Band surgery on Sept 4th. I wish it was more, but Doc says I am right on target.
98) I hate small chit chat, preferring deep intelligent discourse instead. I'm not good at small chit chat, though I seem to be getting better at it. Blogging helps to.
99) My ringtone on my phone is "Cowgirls don't cry". Though I might change it to "Gunpowder and Lead" by Miranda Lambert.
100) The girl turned me on to Pink and soon I will be singing a couple of her songs at karaoke. The boy turned me onto Rise Against, though I only like one song, called "Hero of War"... I'll post the lyrics to it later.

Whew, that's 100 things about me. Believe it or not... I can think of more things to write about... I think I'll just add a new one each time I blog, or at least try to remember too.

So, there you have it. Some of it you might have already known, though I think a lot of them you didn't know. I'm not proud of some of the things I have done, but I don't have regrets, everything is as it should be and has shaped me into the person I am today, which if I do say so myself, I'm pretty well rounded and not all together a bad person. I've learned lessons through the things I have done and apply most of them to the way I live my life now... I believe though we never stop learning about ourselves, we never stop making mistakes and learning from them and we never stop growing within.

I commend you if you've made it this far.

Happy 100th post!


The girl turns 18 in Feb. 18. I remember when she was 8 weeks old and we fled from our home in California after her father tried to kill us and wound up here in Vegas. I remember when she was 8 months old and starting to walk. I remember when she was 8 years old and cuddled me all the time... sometimes, she still cuddles me.

I want to take her on a trip, just her and I, in March (during spring break). First I thought of Mexico, but that was nixed when I mentioned it to my father and he informed me that people were being kidnapped and killed. So, I thought, New York City. But, she asked, "what will we do there"... I had thought we could go see Good Morning America in person and Live with Regis and Kelly and maybe a Broadway show. The first two things are really what "I" want to do, the Broadway show is something she would enjoy... but, it looks like NYC might be out of the running cause really - what WOULD we do there? I'm not able to do much walking due to my foot and cabs are simply to expensive to take every where...

So, Bloggyland, here's my question... Where should I take the girl? Some place not to expensive, some place with things to do (Disney World and Disneyland are out). We've spent plenty of time in California so that's out. She hates Arizona, so Sedona is out and I dislike Florida, so that is out too. I mentioned a dude ranch in Wyoming or Montana, though while we both like to horseback ride, there's only so much of that we can do and I don't want a working vacation, like herding cows or something like that.

This trip will be about 5 days long. I need help. Suggestions, suggestions, suggestions... all suggestions will be well thought out and responded to.

So, give me your best!

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

While I ran out of gas..

This is what the sky looked like, after sitting in Hoover Dam traffic for over an hour and about 15 minutes before I ran out of gas... Yes, that's the moon, a sliver of it and the north star.. I'm saving the other picture for my Sunday photo post.

As he gets sicker...

I make sure to take pictures of him, each time I am in Phx. I hope to one day be able to look back and be grateful that he is no longer sick, that he has finally received a new heart and to take pictures of him healthy. For now though, he is just so sick and I am chronicalling it.

Here he is with Angel kitty, who was so happy to be with him again after being away from him for almost 6 months.

And this is Max, laying right next to him, also very happy to be with him. These cats bring him joy and they love him only, they hate every one else, including the stepmother. (Angel was actually so angry when we got her there, she pee'd on the stepmothers side of the bed, her pillow and pajama's, I guess she blamed the stepmother)

SITS contest

The Secret is in the Sauce is having another great giveaway. Check it out! If I win, I'll be sending it to my father, since he loves hot chocolate and his wife loves hot tea, I think it would be a wonderful gift for them.

I love The Secret is in the Sauce site. They have awesome giveaways and highlight really great blogs!

Wish me luck!

January NaBloPoMo

So, I signed up for January's NaBloPoMo and I think that the topic or something is about Change...

I haven't done such a good job at keeping up so far and it's just a few days into the month. I know, I suck.

I do have so much to write about, unfortunately nothing very happy at the moment and quite frankly I don't have the energy right now to write anything, sad, depressing or happy and joyful...

Maybe later.