Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Violence and the right to keep and bear arms.

I've written a few pieces on violence, specifically, Domestic Violence. The two pieces I've written in the last two years are published on the internet, however, due to the graphic nature of them, I'm not going to provide a link for them here... but, I am a writer and it's what I do, to purge, to live, to learn, to share - for hope, for peace, for faith, for love.. for me.

When I left my daughters father, I never thought I would be abused by a man again. And until a little over a week ago, I wasn't - well, not physically. And then came my so called 'friend' who let's face it, shouldn't have been in my life in the first place. He's an alcoholic. I can say that - because I am one too. A few weeks ago, he drank (as usual), become belligerent and violent towards me (something even in all his drunken stupors has never done), my sons friend and my son. He is now sitting in a jail cell waiting for his hearing that I will have to testify at on August 31st. Am I scared? Certainly. If they kick him out that day, I don't know what he will do. He'll most likely have money, go get shit drunk and in a fight with someone (hopefully not me - though there is a protection order in place) But, really, I don't want to write about all that, what happened no longer matters, only that it happened. And quite possibly has changed me forever.

One of my very good friends, calls me a tree hugger. And I guess he is correct. After all, I have on my Jeep- teach peace as well as, "why do we kill people, who kill people, to show killing people is wrong". I have on my mirror in my room a peace sign, a sticker that says, "war doesn't show who is right, only who is left". And my favorite, "Make love, not war" I wear a silver peace sign around my neck at all times. I even have a peace sign tattoo'd on the inside of my left arm and a peace dove tattoo'd on my neck.

But, now, I don't think I'm so much of a tree hugger. I've been pushed into a position to go against the things that I stand for, because there is far too much violence in this world and because I must protect myself but mostly, I must protect my boyo, my flesh and blood from any more violence. I have a gun, currently not in my home. Next week, I intend on registering it. I intend on learning how to shoot it and I intend on using it, if my boyo or me are in danger. I WILL use it.

I couldn't and probably wouldn't have said that a month ago. Because I don't believe that violence against violence is right. And I still don't believe that. However, if my boyo is in any danger, I must protect him. I am his mother, aren't I supposed to protect him in anyway I can?

I have the right to bear arms. I have the right to use those arms should I be in danger. Yet, I'm told that if I don't kill an intruder, if I simply shoot him in the leg, so my boyo and I can get to safety, I can be sued. That makes no sense to me.

I quote, in part:
"The Second Amendment (Amendment II) to the United States Constitution is the part of the United States Bill of Rights that protects the right of the people to keep and bear arms. It was adopted on December 15, 1791, along with the rest of the Bill of Rights.
In 2008 and 2010, the Supreme Court issued two Second Amendment decisions. In District of Columbia v. Heller (2008), the Court ruled that the Second Amendment protects an individual's right to possess a firearm, unconnected to service in a militia[1][2] and to use that arm for traditionally lawful purposes, such as self-defense within the home."


Sorry you had to read that part twice, but it's important. Self-defense within the home. Why would I be sued, if I am using my firearm, registered to me, for self-defense in my home. Someone, anyone, explain it to me. Tell me like I am a 4 year old, tell me why I can't protect my boyo and me, in my home without the fear of being sued or possibly going to jail?

If it means going to jail for the rest of my life. I will. To protect my boyo, I will use it and if I have to spend the rest of my life in jail, than so be it. He is what is important. I've lived my life. I've seen much of the world. His has just begun and I will NOT allow ANYONE to be violent towards him.

I'd rather be a tree hugger. But, as I said, I've been placed in a position that goes against all I believe in, to protect my boyo from harm, I will come down from that tree, if only for a moment and exercise my right, as an American, provided to me by the Bill of Rights for the United States of America and protect my boyo in a way that I am not comfortable with, but I'll do it. I will. And, I won't miss. Then maybe, I can go back to being a tree hugger, even if I am in jail.

Because that's really who I am.

Sunday, July 31, 2011

The pursuit of happiness.. or is it?

Is it possible, with my documented illness' to simply give everything up, take off and live the life made only of dreams? Is it possible to rein in my boyo and once again, show him more than concrete, as I did when he was much younger? Do I worry about getting ill, without doctors, like I didn't when he was so small and all there was for him, happily, was me? Do I bother myself with the pharmaceuticals that have been poisoning my body and soul, but keeping my mind where it should be, any longer? Or is it that my mind is really beginning to come alive again, to feel that nomadic way of life, I myself lived pre-children and again, with a little curly haired boyo, too young to appreciate much or even remember much, but for pictures that show him, this is what you did?

As I listen to the news, news junkie that I am, about this debt ceiling being raised, not understanding as much as I probably could if I paid more attention, my mind can't help but wander. It's all so boring really, but according to those in "authority" all so "very" necessary, do I concern myself with this anymore, or do I say, enough is enough and remove myself and my special boyo, from this concrete jungle that never sleeps, to a place of beauty, where time may stand still, new friends may be made and life will have come full circle, at least for a while, till when he is old enough to decide which jungle he wants to live in himself.

The news channels are saying, perhaps not in these words, that these are the end of the days for us. That life as we know it, may change, certainly it will change as change is a necessary part of growth, even for a country. But, will it change for the better, which more often than not happens with growth, or for the worse, which seems to be what the doomsayers are predicting. How, in good conscience, can I allow myself to continue on this way - yet at the same time, how, can I not? Knowing, in order to keep my mind as healthy as it's been ever, I must continue on the course that's been set for me, not of my own doing, I didn't ask to be sick... but I also gave up fighting it. Is there a way, to remain healthy of mind, body and soul, without these things that poison me yet keep me healthy all at the same time? I don't know and that is the scariest thing of it all. I simply don't know.

What will happen, if I remain trapped in the cloak of illness, safety, pretty stable and predictable way I've fallen into the last 10 years and uproot it? Take it and throw it all out and begin over? Mostly, what will happen to my boyo if I DON'T do something? Will he think this is all there is to life? Is there a way to balance it all?

What I have to look forward to next week. 3 doctor appointments. 1 the following week. Will they find more disease, more illness when they look at my lungs, my heart? Can they find my soul in there somewhere, has that died off after all the sickness?

And if they don't find anymore illness, what will I do about that.

I don't know. Not yet at least. Perhaps not knowing isn't so scary, perhaps not knowing is the key to grab my ticket, my boyo and proceed down a path, neither of us know, marveling in it, LIVING it, learning, growing and just being. Perhaps, that is the way I am supposed to live. It's certainly how I thought I was to live, many years ago.

Perhaps it's time again. As the Constitution states, it is my right to the pursuit of happiness, no matter what, right?

Sunday, July 10, 2011


Yes, I am still alive. I need to figure out a few things, then I hope to come back to my blogger or "A" blogger and start again. I don't like the look, feel or email attached to this account. I want to be able to simply blog from my computer, without having to sign into here or elsewhere.

In the meantime, a blast from my past...

Circa: 1990. I believe I was pregnant with my daughter in this one. Left to right while looking at your computer screen. Terri, who is my daughters fathers sister and once one of my closes friends. Sadly, she passed from cancer before he found us on MySpace. Next to her, is Beth. Another very close friend, one I haven't seen in 20 years. Unfortunately, when I ran away from California, I also had to cease all contact with those that were in my life, to keep them from being harassed by my daughters father when he came around looking for us - and come around he did. He, himself, told me that he harassed a few people, but quickly realized that no one knew where I was - though it wasn't until a few years later that he asked his other sister if she knew where I was and she did and she told him. Though he never found us until whenever it was that he contacted my daughter...(more about photos below)

Next one...

Circa: Feb/March 1991. My daughter and her father. One of the very few there are of him and her for her entire life, up to the age of 18. There's photos now, but only a very few of when she was little.

These were scanned and sent to me via FB by my "niece". Well, she's not really MY niece, she's my daughters fathers niece, or she's the daughter of Terri in the first photo. She calls me auntie and has since she was little. I lost contact with her too, until she found me on FB a few months ago. It's nice to be in contact with her again. Of the 3 women that he has had children with, I am her favorite and the only one she calls Auntie. Breaks my heart what she has had to go through. She's really only about 15 years younger than myself. Her mother, as I said, passed a few years ago from cancer. Prior to that, when she was little her father took her, kidnapped. Because her mother was high on dope and alcohol all the time and couldn't take care of her. Poor girl, still doesn't understand why she was taken away. When she was little, she was in a hit and run drunk driver accident, where she was dead for 10 minutes. Now, she lives with cancer.

And I sometimes think I have it bad. Okay, so I need to figure a few things out. If anyone knows of a preferably free, but cheap will do, place I can get my own domain? Then maybe I can start blogging brand new. Oh, you can't leave a comment, well you can, but I won't know, unless I come back to the blog everyday and I don't seem to be able to do that... the email attached to this blog no longer exists, yet it won't let me use my gmail address for an alternate so if you have any info for a domain name, email me at


Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Insomnia.. of course.

I have, as usual, insomnia. So, I opened up my computer and started reading my blog writings from last year, which was pretty much next to nil.

I miss writing. I miss the words pouring through my fingertips. But, admittedly, I am lazy. I get distracted easily. I find something else on the computer to go to rather than my blog and I go to it and completely ignore of forget my blog. I guess I wanted this blog to go a different direction than it did, maybe even go as far as making me some money - but the laziness, the easily being distracted it all gets in the way.

I need to try harder. I need to DO it, not just think about it. There's so much inside of me, so much that I need to purge out of me, to find answers through those that are my faithful readers. I need to stay off of Facebook, since it's driving me crazy.. well FB itself isn't, but a few people on there are. It is effecting my relationship, HE is allowing drama into our lives, through Facebook, texting and phoning and while more often than not, as I am learning more and more about me and that which surrounds me, I am not lowering myself to the level of others that have no business being in my life, I still do at times and then I am pissed at myself.

I know if I blog, that I will arrive at the answers I need, either through just seeing what I have written or through comments left for me. Perhaps I am not ready for the answers and that is why I am allowing myself to be so easily distracted... yes, that is probably right on the button.

So, while I don't make resolutions for new years, I only try to continue doing the good things I did the year before, making the small changes I want to make and keeping up with those changes that I made last year. But, I would like to try and commit myself to blogging again, as best as I can. Baby steps. Taking baby steps. I may or may not blog, but I have it in my mind again and so hopefully, I will...

Until next time,

Saturday, January 22, 2011


My granddaughter is now 15 months old. Yeah, I can't believe it either! She's walking and talking and smiles all the time. Here's a few newer pictures of her - not sure if I've posted them or not and too lazy to even check... She must be the cutest punkin I have ever laid my eyes on... I am totally in love with her.

Today, Nova decided she wanted to choose the shoes she would wear, so she did and a perfect job of it she did!
Nova and her Daddy, Thanksgiving Day 2010
My family. Left to Right - Tessa, Chance, Morgan, Me and of course my little Nova Leone!
Thanksgiving Day 2010

Nova just LOVES Kip. This was Thanksgiving Day. She'd rather look at him than have Nana hold her or play with her LOL

Three generations. My Dad, My Son and My Granddaughter whose giving her Papa kisses!

Thanksgiving 2010
With her Uncle Chance, day before Thanksgiving 2010 wondering what those things are in his lips. Ugh, his ears make me cringe!
My beautiful kids - a beautiful family. Amanda my Daughter in Law, Morgan my Son and my gorgeous granddaughter Little Miss Nova Leone. A few days after Thanksgiving 2010, before they headed home.
Nova walking!
Hamming it up in her Birthday TuTu. What a personality this baby has. EVERYONE who meets her falls in love with her!

Just a reminder..

I have a new blog going on, One Day, Everyday. I've challenged myself to take a picture a day for this year and post it on my facebook page. I then decided that I would also create a new blog for it and do the same here!

Although I've been pretty good at posting my photos and a caption on FB, I've not been so good doing it here. So, today I decided that I will be doing it here (well over here actually once a week. I'm shooting for Saturday through Friday, 7 days with 7 pictures and explanations of each picture. So today, I have 2 posts. One of 1.12.11 and then one of 1.13.11 through 1.21.11 (though I am missing 1.18.11 as you'll see I mention on that blog) but from now on it'll only be 7 pictures.

It's been kind of interesting trying to find things during my ordinary and boring day as you'll see by some of the photo's I've taken lol but I carry my camera with me everywhere now, so hopefully there will be some interesting or intriguing shots I can share! I just hope you all can get through the really boring ones to find what I hope will be some gems. (Did I mention that for my Christmas present I bought myself a new camera? A Canon Rebel xs EOS 1000D. I purchased it at Sams Club for an awesome price and it came with an extra zoom lens and a few other extras. I couldn't pass it up, not for the price and the extras it came with and as I warm up to it, I'm finding it to be the best camera I've ever owned, aside from my very first 35mm Minolta that I was given some 30 years ago) I will reveal this if I haven't already, but one of my dreams aside from writing and having my memoir published (which would be based loosely on my life, from my journals that I have kept since the age of 11) is to also publish a "coffee table" type photographic book. I just don't know what the "theme" would be, or if I would even have one. How I wish I was able to go to different parts of the world (I have been to several other countries, but all before the age of 13) and take photo's of children, wildlife, nature or something of that sort. Perhaps one day I can fulfill both those dreams.

So, check out the new blog! Leave comments if you want, but no need to tell me I'm boring, I already know that and believe me if I didn't know that before, I certainly know that now! Haha!

I hope you enjoy, a day in the life of me, One Day, Everyday. Who knows, I may just continue doing it each year - we shall see.


Monday, January 10, 2011

I've taken on the task...

Of posting a picture a day on my facebook account and decided that I would also like to do it here. While my life is a bit mundane, I thought it would be fun to record an everyday photo. I am calling it One Day, Everyday. I know it's now the 10th of January, but I am going to post the 10 pictures I've already taken in a new post for each day. I also hope to start blogging again on a more regular well as start my granddaughters blog up again. Eventually, if I can find the time and resources, I'd also like to start doing reviews of products again.

You can find the new pictures at

So without further ado... On with the show!


Sunday, November 28, 2010


I've been reading through my blog, trying to find my grams eulogy which so far has remained elusive...I have noticed though that in October of 2008, I made comments regarding the election and all the election noise that was bothering me and surprise! I felt the same way this year as I did in 2008! Even going as far as remembering that I had said much the same things in the same words and indignant manner, both year.

Too bad I can't go further back - just to see if by some wonder of a miracle, I might have done SOME growing? By the looks of it, there's been no growth in that area at least for the last few years!

Oh well, back to see if I can find the eulogy.

And for you're enjoyment, here's one of my Nova girl at Thanksgiving. I'm waiting for the ones of her and I to come through from my daughter in law and I'll post those when I get them. A week with her wasn't enough!

The beautiful little family.
All my kids and I.
Nova and her mama.
Nova and her "grandpa" Kip.
Nova and her Uncle Chance.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Ugh! Really?

For some reason blogger will not let me upload any more pictures!! So sad! I will try later to upload the other photo's of Nova at her birthday party!

A year old!

On October 2nd, 2010 my granddaughter turned a year old. Ditto and I went to Calfornia so that I could attend her birthday party. It's been a year since I've actually held her and it was so wonderful to hold her, play with her and just be there for the special occasion. Ditto was able to meet the rest of my family (other than my baby sister, my brother and his wife and their 3 kids)Mom cooked us dinner on Saturday night, which was delicious! Ditto and my stepfather seemed to hit it off real well - He got to meet Morgan, my daughter in law, Nova, my sister (who's clean and sober now something like 3 months I think and dating some guy that gave me the creeps. She also has gained quite a bit of weight, she wears the same size pants as me, size 12, whereas she use to wear a size 2-4, yeah, a lot of weight, though she is only heavy from the waist down which is odd)he also got to meet my stepbrother, exhusband, exhusbands 2nd wife and most all of my DIL's family too. We had a great time. I also found my 400$ bracelet that I had lost in my little sisters room 3 or so years ago! So excited! I looked for it everytime I was there and never found it. I suspect it was hiding real well under the bed, since there's a new bed in there - so I'm thinking it was found when moving the bed out and placed on the windowsill by my baby sister.

My Nova girl flirted constantly with Ditto, it was so freaking cute! Below are some photo's I took of her (one or two that Ditto took as well) I'm still waiting for the pictures of her opening presents and eating cake - we had to leave a bit early from the party on Sunday, in order to get back to Vegas at a decent time, so I missed those parts, but I am so happy that I got to spend an hour or so with her before anyone else showed up, though my son was running around getting last minute items forgotten and decorating the rec room as fast as he could before guests arrived, so I didn't really get to spend much time with him - or my DIL - no big deal though, I kept watch of Nova girl and played with her.. lots of fun! Enjoy the pictures!

Nova, licking her frosting fingers!
Walking with Nana! Yeah, that's right, I'm the birthday girl!
Serious look at Ditto!
You can't get me Nana!
More photo's to come. For some reason, Blogger won't let me upload anymore on this post.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Playing Peek a boo with Nana on Skype

Being her cute little self

Friday, July 16, 2010

Been a while since I've posted...

Just a quick note everythings okay, well...that's not really true. Between me and the man things are good.. my family, well things are not so good.. not really up to writing about it right now, pretty depressing... but I'll get to it, perhaps this weekend. In the meantime.. a picture of me and Ditto at his birthday party that I threw for him on the 10th and a new one of my gorgeous granddaughter!


Thursday, June 17, 2010


Okay, I think I fixed it so no more Chinese/Japanese whatever spam on my comments! Wow, annoying as all hell for sure.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010


Does ANYONE know how to block my japanese porn-bot from posting in my comments. Argh!

Oh how happy this day was...

Now? Not so sure.