Wednesday, August 24, 2011
When I left my daughters father, I never thought I would be abused by a man again. And until a little over a week ago, I wasn't - well, not physically. And then came my so called 'friend' who let's face it, shouldn't have been in my life in the first place. He's an alcoholic. I can say that - because I am one too. A few weeks ago, he drank (as usual), become belligerent and violent towards me (something even in all his drunken stupors has never done), my sons friend and my son. He is now sitting in a jail cell waiting for his hearing that I will have to testify at on August 31st. Am I scared? Certainly. If they kick him out that day, I don't know what he will do. He'll most likely have money, go get shit drunk and in a fight with someone (hopefully not me - though there is a protection order in place) But, really, I don't want to write about all that, what happened no longer matters, only that it happened. And quite possibly has changed me forever.
One of my very good friends, calls me a tree hugger. And I guess he is correct. After all, I have on my Jeep- teach peace as well as, "why do we kill people, who kill people, to show killing people is wrong". I have on my mirror in my room a peace sign, a sticker that says, "war doesn't show who is right, only who is left". And my favorite, "Make love, not war" I wear a silver peace sign around my neck at all times. I even have a peace sign tattoo'd on the inside of my left arm and a peace dove tattoo'd on my neck.
But, now, I don't think I'm so much of a tree hugger. I've been pushed into a position to go against the things that I stand for, because there is far too much violence in this world and because I must protect myself but mostly, I must protect my boyo, my flesh and blood from any more violence. I have a gun, currently not in my home. Next week, I intend on registering it. I intend on learning how to shoot it and I intend on using it, if my boyo or me are in danger. I WILL use it.
I couldn't and probably wouldn't have said that a month ago. Because I don't believe that violence against violence is right. And I still don't believe that. However, if my boyo is in any danger, I must protect him. I am his mother, aren't I supposed to protect him in anyway I can?
I have the right to bear arms. I have the right to use those arms should I be in danger. Yet, I'm told that if I don't kill an intruder, if I simply shoot him in the leg, so my boyo and I can get to safety, I can be sued. That makes no sense to me.
I quote, in part:
"The Second Amendment (Amendment II) to the United States Constitution is the part of the United States Bill of Rights that protects the right of the people to keep and bear arms. It was adopted on December 15, 1791, along with the rest of the Bill of Rights.
In 2008 and 2010, the Supreme Court issued two Second Amendment decisions. In District of Columbia v. Heller (2008), the Court ruled that the Second Amendment protects an individual's right to possess a firearm, unconnected to service in a militia and to use that arm for traditionally lawful purposes, such as self-defense within the home."
"THE SECOND AMENDMENT PROTECTS AN INDIVIDUALS RIGHT TO POSSESS A FIREARM, UNCONNECTED TO SERVICE IN MILITIA AND TO USE THAT ARM FOR TRADITIONALLY LAWFUL PURPOSES, SUCH AS SELF-DEFENSE WITHIN THE HOME."
Sorry you had to read that part twice, but it's important. Self-defense within the home. Why would I be sued, if I am using my firearm, registered to me, for self-defense in my home. Someone, anyone, explain it to me. Tell me like I am a 4 year old, tell me why I can't protect my boyo and me, in my home without the fear of being sued or possibly going to jail?
If it means going to jail for the rest of my life. I will. To protect my boyo, I will use it and if I have to spend the rest of my life in jail, than so be it. He is what is important. I've lived my life. I've seen much of the world. His has just begun and I will NOT allow ANYONE to be violent towards him.
I'd rather be a tree hugger. But, as I said, I've been placed in a position that goes against all I believe in, to protect my boyo from harm, I will come down from that tree, if only for a moment and exercise my right, as an American, provided to me by the Bill of Rights for the United States of America and protect my boyo in a way that I am not comfortable with, but I'll do it. I will. And, I won't miss. Then maybe, I can go back to being a tree hugger, even if I am in jail.
Because that's really who I am.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Is it possible, with my documented illness' to simply give everything up, take off and live the life made only of dreams? Is it possible to rein in my boyo and once again, show him more than concrete, as I did when he was much younger? Do I worry about getting ill, without doctors, like I didn't when he was so small and all there was for him, happily, was me? Do I bother myself with the pharmaceuticals that have been poisoning my body and soul, but keeping my mind where it should be, any longer? Or is it that my mind is really beginning to come alive again, to feel that nomadic way of life, I myself lived pre-children and again, with a little curly haired boyo, too young to appreciate much or even remember much, but for pictures that show him, this is what you did?
As I listen to the news, news junkie that I am, about this debt ceiling being raised, not understanding as much as I probably could if I paid more attention, my mind can't help but wander. It's all so boring really, but according to those in "authority" all so "very" necessary, do I concern myself with this anymore, or do I say, enough is enough and remove myself and my special boyo, from this concrete jungle that never sleeps, to a place of beauty, where time may stand still, new friends may be made and life will have come full circle, at least for a while, till when he is old enough to decide which jungle he wants to live in himself.
The news channels are saying, perhaps not in these words, that these are the end of the days for us. That life as we know it, may change, certainly it will change as change is a necessary part of growth, even for a country. But, will it change for the better, which more often than not happens with growth, or for the worse, which seems to be what the doomsayers are predicting. How, in good conscience, can I allow myself to continue on this way - yet at the same time, how, can I not? Knowing, in order to keep my mind as healthy as it's been ever, I must continue on the course that's been set for me, not of my own doing, I didn't ask to be sick... but I also gave up fighting it. Is there a way, to remain healthy of mind, body and soul, without these things that poison me yet keep me healthy all at the same time? I don't know and that is the scariest thing of it all. I simply don't know.
What will happen, if I remain trapped in the cloak of illness, safety, pretty stable and predictable way I've fallen into the last 10 years and uproot it? Take it and throw it all out and begin over? Mostly, what will happen to my boyo if I DON'T do something? Will he think this is all there is to life? Is there a way to balance it all?
What I have to look forward to next week. 3 doctor appointments. 1 the following week. Will they find more disease, more illness when they look at my lungs, my heart? Can they find my soul in there somewhere, has that died off after all the sickness?
And if they don't find anymore illness, what will I do about that.
I don't know. Not yet at least. Perhaps not knowing isn't so scary, perhaps not knowing is the key to grab my ticket, my boyo and proceed down a path, neither of us know, marveling in it, LIVING it, learning, growing and just being. Perhaps, that is the way I am supposed to live. It's certainly how I thought I was to live, many years ago.
Perhaps it's time again. As the Constitution states, it is my right to the pursuit of happiness, no matter what, right?
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Too bad I can't go further back - just to see if by some wonder of a miracle, I might have done SOME growing? By the looks of it, there's been no growth in that area at least for the last few years!
Oh well, back to see if I can find the eulogy.
And for you're enjoyment, here's one of my Nova girl at Thanksgiving. I'm waiting for the ones of her and I to come through from my daughter in law and I'll post those when I get them. A week with her wasn't enough!
The beautiful little family.
All my kids and I.
Nova and her mama.
Nova and her "grandpa" Kip.
Nova and her Uncle Chance.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
My Nova girl flirted constantly with Ditto, it was so freaking cute! Below are some photo's I took of her (one or two that Ditto took as well) I'm still waiting for the pictures of her opening presents and eating cake - we had to leave a bit early from the party on Sunday, in order to get back to Vegas at a decent time, so I missed those parts, but I am so happy that I got to spend an hour or so with her before anyone else showed up, though my son was running around getting last minute items forgotten and decorating the rec room as fast as he could before guests arrived, so I didn't really get to spend much time with him - or my DIL - no big deal though, I kept watch of Nova girl and played with her.. lots of fun! Enjoy the pictures!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010