Dad is in the hospital again. He has blood in his poop. He told me that he was bleeding from the bottom, not a subject I guess he is comfortable talking about around me, cause I said, IN YOUR POOP? And he hesitated than said, yes... ha, leave it to me to break the ice, so to speak.
Thankfully, not his heart. Doctor says that he should be just fine, that around the colon there are tiny vessels that bleed and so, they are doing a colonostopy (spelling?) tomorrow and can zap them shut while in there, if that is what it is. It's not the hemorrhoids (yep, I asked if he had those, I'm just open like that!) After a few minutes discussion, he didn't sound so uncomfortable, so way to go me! Talking about blood in his poop is, I'm sure, not a conversation he wanted to have with his daughter, but me having no fear in discussing anything just brought him along in the conversation.
The girl came into my room earlier this morning and said, Mom. I just rolled over and looked at her and said, "What did you do?" (I'm just good like that, can tell from her tone she had something to tell me that she figured I'd be angry about)
Girl:"I need to tell you something but I'm afraid you'll get mad"
Me: "What did you do?" (sitting up now)
Girl:"I went to that concert last night but it wasn't a concert"
Me: (sitting completely up now)"What was it?"
Girl: "A rave"
Me: (Now completely alert and just a little upset but hiding it)"A rave? Did you do drugs or drink?"
Girl: "No"
Me:"Did....
Girl:"I didn't leave my water anywhere either and when I did, I got a new one."
Me:(more relaxed now)"Ok"
Girl:"Will you let me go again, Mom? Don't you trust me?"
Me: "I trust you, it's others I don't trust and I'll have to think about letting you go again. You should have texted me as soon as you realized what it was, so I could make the decision last night."
Girl: "Well, I was home at 11"
Me: "Yeah, so probably I'd let you go again."
This is an 18 year old girl, who's never smoked a cigarette, never done drugs, never has had sex... this is a GOOD 18 year old girl, unlike me at her age. I was already 2 years in a relationship with the man who would eventually become my husband, then my ex husband, but at 18 he had cheated on me and I moved to Hawaii (Maui) for nearly a year, then came back only to move to Texas with him and got pregnant then married. She is so not like me. I think I did a good job with her, as opposed to the job I'm doing with the boy - I just don't know how to raise a boy... especially one as wild as mine.
Oh and apparently, a buff good looking guy came up to her and said, I like the way you look, I'm a chubby chaser. HA! This kid of mine isn't fat, but has a little bit of chunk in the waist area. I laughed, while saying... "was he kind of short?" Yep, about her height which is 5'7. I had to laugh again, cause it seems short men (who neither of us particularly are attracted to, though new dude is my height and I think he is good looking) most always like chubs or women who are heavy set. But, I told her to hold out hope, because both Glen and Matt are over 6' and both like women who are heavier, as opposed to small skinny women. Even though this guy said he is a chubby chaser and while it's kind of rude, we looked on the other side, the shiny side and decided that she should take it as a compliment, which put a big smile on her face. I asked if she gave him her number and she looked at me and said, Mom, I don't give my number out to guys I just meet. I'm so proud of her! She really has her head on straight when it comes to the opposite sex. Not like most girls who are her age or she hangs out with, all seem to be really boy crazy and are sexually active.. She is more of a leader than a follower...
Now if only I could figure out how to change the path I see the boy going down, all will be perfect in the family part of life. Dad says he needs to be in more organized sports, so tomorrow I am calling the baseball guy and see when the next club ball starts and get this boy of mine back into baseball (he won't play little league anymore and I don't blame him since the coaches all suck).
On another note. We finally figured out why we (new dude and I) are always getting sick after hanging out with each other. We spend most of the time in his room (he rents a room from a "common house")... his landlord and him found black mold in the air conditioning vent. Which blows on us all night long and explains his cough and my chest always heavy. Plus, when I sleep there, I'm both cold and sweating constantly. I spent the night there (and no, we do not have sex, but we do cuddle in bed)and at 8am I got up said I needed to go home. I was SO cold and today, I don't feel so good - so, I'm pretty sure it's the a/c. We don't hang out here at my house because the kids mostly and my house isn't very clean right now (because it takes me days to recuperate after being with him most of the weekend)... but this week is housecleaning week, Spring cleaning! He's doing the girls hair on Saturday for prom (btw, she got a new date!) so hopefully we will just hang out here Saturday night instead of his place.
Just a bunch of rambling thoughts in my head that I thought I would put out there. Boring I know, but right now, my life is boring. Don't say I didn't warn you the other day when I said I was bored with my life - though now I see why... IT IS BORING!!
Oh and I met the new dudes ex girlfriend. I wasn't impressed. And she apparently told him that I was a bitch to her. Just because I wasn't all smiling and making small talk with her, which she did her best to do with me and all I could do is nod my head (with a smile on my face) to her, I'm a bitch. Bummer. He told her that I wasn't a bitch, but a sweetheart. I then asked him how old she was, because she looked like she was older than me and it turns out she is nearly 10 years younger than me! I was surprised. And she thought I was closer to her age and was surprised when he told her I was coming up on 45 (which is older than both of them)so that made me feel good!
Enough of the rambling. Hope everyone is having a good Sunday!
Peace.
Showing posts with label the girl. Show all posts
Showing posts with label the girl. Show all posts
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Blast from the past, part 2.
*apologies to those that read this before. I fixed the spelling on it 6 times and for some reason it never took! It hurt MY eyes to read it each time with the misspelled words, I can't imagine how it felt for others! I believe it's been fixed now. Bah.*
My mother came out one more time after that, to "check" on me, but really to make sure the house was still clean (it wasn't) there was food in it (there wasn't), the kids were clean (they were, somehow it got through to me on that aspect)... and blah blah blah...
A few months went by. I was still in the midst of my breakdown, full force of it. The girl was in school, the boy to young to care about anything other than what kids that age care about and the year now.. 1997. (and I think I got the year wrong in my earlier post, I think the year was actually 1996, not 1995) He was nearing three. I was completely over the edge of insanity, spending an enormous time online (AOL back then)and not doing what one who has two young children should be doing, or what society says we should be doing. Mother never came out again. Dad came over often, usually bringing food. My savings had pretty much diminished, having spent a good portion of it on tuition for school that I never finished up, after all was said and done.
I woke up one morning and just couldn't do it anymore. I had about 600$ in savings, maybe. I began to pack my stuff not knowing where I was going, only knowing that I had to leave Vegas. The girl was in school and I really didn't want to take her out, not sure where we were going, so I finally relented and called Dad who of course took her for me. She was to stay only long enough to finish out school and for me to find us a place to live and a job that would take care of us all.
I packed a few things into a uhaul, sold all my appliances, my home went into foreclosure and the boy and I were off. I only knew I was going east.(one day I will tell the story of moving cross country with 400$, more than once!)A friend of mine, who I'd met real time said, Come here! Just outside of Pittsburgh, Pa. Telling me that the boy and I could stay there till I found a job and a place to live. She failed to check with her husband though. It took me about 6 days to get there, only to find out that he did not want us staying there. I was shook to my core. Already unbalanced and fragile, what was I to do?
We stayed there 5 days and I borrowed money from him, giving him the carat diamond ring I had designed and had made as collateral. I was also pretty pissed at her...but still needed her, unfortunately. I found a small one bedroom apt, in the basement of a house that sat on the same plot of land as a morgue/mortuary, in a town of less than 200 people. The day we moved in, everyone knew of us. I managed to get a job in a small tavern and loved it. My friend babysat for me and promptly fell in love with the boy. That Christmas, a few months after moving in, when I would come home from work, I'd find different things on the porch, 2 Christmas trees, presents, food - it was surreal. My job at the tavern didn't pay enough for us to have any of that and while I was looking for a new job, one wasn't coming quick enough.
Oh, let me back up a bit.. I had never been in the snow.. not when it fell out of the sky at least. Sure I'd been around snow before, but never had I lived anywhere that it actually snowed. Before the first snowfall, the tavern owners girlfriend asked me if we had warm jackets. I, coming from the desert, said no. To which she replied, well, we need to get you some as it is going to snow. Now, mind you, I am still in my depressed state and not thinking real clearly.. a voice I recognize as my own says to her "from the sky?" after a fit of hysterical laughing, she shook her head yes. Duh! (there is an article written about me by a smalltime columnist in the local paper, titled, Snow comes from the sky. If I can get it scanned or if I feel up to it, I'll post it here, though there are some exaggerations in it, it's almost accurate and pretty funny). So, we lived through our first snowstorm (and many more!).
I became increasingly restless in that little town though to this day, I love small towns. My car had broken down and through someone I met online, I was offered a car, but had to go to Maine for it. I asked my friend if she would watch the boy and she said yes... but she was becoming more and more attached to the boy (at the time, she could not get pregnant and wanted a child very much) and her attachment had begun to scare me. She started dropping hints about taking him for good from me. Bringing up adoption and things of that nature, but there was no one else to watch him the few days it would take me to take a train, than a bus to Maine and drive the car back. I was gone 5 days. On my third day, driving back to Pa, I stopped and stayed in a hotel. That night I called her to let her know that I was taking my time getting back, that it would be a few days before I got back, as I was pushing myself and felt I needed to take more time and not drive so much. She promptly told me not to come back and that she was taking the boy.
Needless to say, I freaked out. Still not in my right mind, it never occurred to me that she couldn't just "take" him, though she claimed I had abandoned him. I drove as fast and long as I could and was there within 2 days after that phone call. I took him and told her that we were done. I took more time off work to find a sitter and placed him in a home daycare that I really wasn't comfortable with, but felt like I had no choice.
Money was saved and I complained about the situation and worried about the boy at daycare, plus I paid "the friends" husband back and got my ring back. Then I was invited to come to Va, Lynchburg to be exact and stay with another woman I had met online (but never in person, as I had the Pa friend)....
In the dead of the night, about 8 months after arriving in Pa, with the help of a couple of men I had met,we packed up another uhaul, put the car on a tow bed and stealthed out heading to Va. I had no idea what was in store for me, just that I felt pressured to get the hell out of there before she could cause permanent damage to my family that wasn't even whole as it was...
To be continued...
My mother came out one more time after that, to "check" on me, but really to make sure the house was still clean (it wasn't) there was food in it (there wasn't), the kids were clean (they were, somehow it got through to me on that aspect)... and blah blah blah...
A few months went by. I was still in the midst of my breakdown, full force of it. The girl was in school, the boy to young to care about anything other than what kids that age care about and the year now.. 1997. (and I think I got the year wrong in my earlier post, I think the year was actually 1996, not 1995) He was nearing three. I was completely over the edge of insanity, spending an enormous time online (AOL back then)and not doing what one who has two young children should be doing, or what society says we should be doing. Mother never came out again. Dad came over often, usually bringing food. My savings had pretty much diminished, having spent a good portion of it on tuition for school that I never finished up, after all was said and done.
I woke up one morning and just couldn't do it anymore. I had about 600$ in savings, maybe. I began to pack my stuff not knowing where I was going, only knowing that I had to leave Vegas. The girl was in school and I really didn't want to take her out, not sure where we were going, so I finally relented and called Dad who of course took her for me. She was to stay only long enough to finish out school and for me to find us a place to live and a job that would take care of us all.
I packed a few things into a uhaul, sold all my appliances, my home went into foreclosure and the boy and I were off. I only knew I was going east.(one day I will tell the story of moving cross country with 400$, more than once!)A friend of mine, who I'd met real time said, Come here! Just outside of Pittsburgh, Pa. Telling me that the boy and I could stay there till I found a job and a place to live. She failed to check with her husband though. It took me about 6 days to get there, only to find out that he did not want us staying there. I was shook to my core. Already unbalanced and fragile, what was I to do?
We stayed there 5 days and I borrowed money from him, giving him the carat diamond ring I had designed and had made as collateral. I was also pretty pissed at her...but still needed her, unfortunately. I found a small one bedroom apt, in the basement of a house that sat on the same plot of land as a morgue/mortuary, in a town of less than 200 people. The day we moved in, everyone knew of us. I managed to get a job in a small tavern and loved it. My friend babysat for me and promptly fell in love with the boy. That Christmas, a few months after moving in, when I would come home from work, I'd find different things on the porch, 2 Christmas trees, presents, food - it was surreal. My job at the tavern didn't pay enough for us to have any of that and while I was looking for a new job, one wasn't coming quick enough.
Oh, let me back up a bit.. I had never been in the snow.. not when it fell out of the sky at least. Sure I'd been around snow before, but never had I lived anywhere that it actually snowed. Before the first snowfall, the tavern owners girlfriend asked me if we had warm jackets. I, coming from the desert, said no. To which she replied, well, we need to get you some as it is going to snow. Now, mind you, I am still in my depressed state and not thinking real clearly.. a voice I recognize as my own says to her "from the sky?" after a fit of hysterical laughing, she shook her head yes. Duh! (there is an article written about me by a smalltime columnist in the local paper, titled, Snow comes from the sky. If I can get it scanned or if I feel up to it, I'll post it here, though there are some exaggerations in it, it's almost accurate and pretty funny). So, we lived through our first snowstorm (and many more!).
I became increasingly restless in that little town though to this day, I love small towns. My car had broken down and through someone I met online, I was offered a car, but had to go to Maine for it. I asked my friend if she would watch the boy and she said yes... but she was becoming more and more attached to the boy (at the time, she could not get pregnant and wanted a child very much) and her attachment had begun to scare me. She started dropping hints about taking him for good from me. Bringing up adoption and things of that nature, but there was no one else to watch him the few days it would take me to take a train, than a bus to Maine and drive the car back. I was gone 5 days. On my third day, driving back to Pa, I stopped and stayed in a hotel. That night I called her to let her know that I was taking my time getting back, that it would be a few days before I got back, as I was pushing myself and felt I needed to take more time and not drive so much. She promptly told me not to come back and that she was taking the boy.
Needless to say, I freaked out. Still not in my right mind, it never occurred to me that she couldn't just "take" him, though she claimed I had abandoned him. I drove as fast and long as I could and was there within 2 days after that phone call. I took him and told her that we were done. I took more time off work to find a sitter and placed him in a home daycare that I really wasn't comfortable with, but felt like I had no choice.
Money was saved and I complained about the situation and worried about the boy at daycare, plus I paid "the friends" husband back and got my ring back. Then I was invited to come to Va, Lynchburg to be exact and stay with another woman I had met online (but never in person, as I had the Pa friend)....
In the dead of the night, about 8 months after arriving in Pa, with the help of a couple of men I had met,we packed up another uhaul, put the car on a tow bed and stealthed out heading to Va. I had no idea what was in store for me, just that I felt pressured to get the hell out of there before she could cause permanent damage to my family that wasn't even whole as it was...
To be continued...
Thursday, February 26, 2009
What do I call this?
The surgeons came out and spoke to my family. My father is in a coma. The right side of his heart wouldn't start and they couldn't place the LVAD in him. They left his chest open, to watch the bleeding and in the hopes that the right side starts working again, if it does, then he has another surgery and they will place the LVAD, but he really isn't strong enough for another surgery, so I don't know where that leaves us.
I'm all alone here in Vegas. I knew I should have stayed, but that would have gone against his wishes.. though it's not like I've ever listened to him before, not since I was 14, he even said so when we had our private talk. NOW I pick the time to listen to him. What an idiot I am.
My daughter thinks I hate her and no amount of me telling her that I don't, that I love her more than she could know is helping her to feel better. I don't have the strength for this, she thinks I blame her and I don't. I can't get her to believe me, even though I've held her, told her I don't blame her, I don't hate her that she is my only baby girl and I love her with all my heart. That I did what her Papa asked me to do. To take care of them. That is what he would want.
I feel so fucking helpless up here, all alone, scared and dammit I could use a real stiff drink right now, but my kids have never seen me drink or drunk and I don't have alcohol in the house, so I'm shit out of luck....
The girl wants me to fold clothes with her. Says it will keep my hands busy and maybe my mind on something else, but all I want to do is crawl under my covers and sleep and not wake up till or if he does.
I want my dad. I want to be with my dad. I don't care what they say, I know he would know I was there, even in the coma. He would know. I could just kick myself for leaving. Why did I pick now to listen to that ornery stubborn man...
I guess I have to fold clothes since she just put them on my bed and is sitting here folding them... god I love this girl, she is so much stronger than her mother.
Please send prayers or whatever you it is you do, believe in... anything. He needs all the prayers and positive thoughts he can get.
I'm all alone here in Vegas. I knew I should have stayed, but that would have gone against his wishes.. though it's not like I've ever listened to him before, not since I was 14, he even said so when we had our private talk. NOW I pick the time to listen to him. What an idiot I am.
My daughter thinks I hate her and no amount of me telling her that I don't, that I love her more than she could know is helping her to feel better. I don't have the strength for this, she thinks I blame her and I don't. I can't get her to believe me, even though I've held her, told her I don't blame her, I don't hate her that she is my only baby girl and I love her with all my heart. That I did what her Papa asked me to do. To take care of them. That is what he would want.
I feel so fucking helpless up here, all alone, scared and dammit I could use a real stiff drink right now, but my kids have never seen me drink or drunk and I don't have alcohol in the house, so I'm shit out of luck....
The girl wants me to fold clothes with her. Says it will keep my hands busy and maybe my mind on something else, but all I want to do is crawl under my covers and sleep and not wake up till or if he does.
I want my dad. I want to be with my dad. I don't care what they say, I know he would know I was there, even in the coma. He would know. I could just kick myself for leaving. Why did I pick now to listen to that ornery stubborn man...
I guess I have to fold clothes since she just put them on my bed and is sitting here folding them... god I love this girl, she is so much stronger than her mother.
Please send prayers or whatever you it is you do, believe in... anything. He needs all the prayers and positive thoughts he can get.
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