Thursday, February 19, 2009

I fucked up and I can't take it back...

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I'm 44, 45 in August, soon to be a grandmother and there's something terribly wrong with me. One moment I act like someone who has it all together and everyone comments about my great attitude and the next moment, I act like a heartbroken teenager... WTF??

I got pissed. First off, what the hell was I doing looking at his freaking myspace page again??? Finding out more truths I guess. He has a new addition to his friends and calls her his dark angel... yeah ok, more Christian hypocrites URGH!!!!!!!!!!!

And then I went and did it. It was like something took over inside of me, something I couldn't control...

I wrote the email. The email I wasn't going to write, the confrontation I was letting go of... and I can't take it back. Not that I would... but still I never wanted to do that in an email, I wanted for some reason to see the look on his face, the blood rush out of it as I told him I knew.. I said that I probably would not return to church and IF I decided to (I really did enjoy it there) I would not be sitting next to him and he could tell people whatever he wanted to tell them. I'm not such a shitty person that I would go there and badmouth him... I wouldn't, ever. That's just not the type of person I want to be and usually am not like that.

I guess I do it a bit here, but this is my blog and this is about me. As for him, he has to take responsibility for his part in all this and it isn't for me to tell them the things he did when he went missing for a week... it's for him to do so, though I doubt he will tell them, he so wants to be baptized in Sept and telling them would put him out of good standing.

I could kick myself. Why am I acting like such a freaking child? I just want someone to hold me, someone I can hold back, someone to love me unconditionally and I the same. I keep meeting the same kind of men over and over... the girl says, "you don't have one night stands mom, you have 3 night stands" which pretty much sums it all up...

They hang around for a few days and then blow me off. And it's weird because I am the least clingy needy person around. I don't ask for anything, I don't cry, I'm strong, independent and don't NEED a man in my life... but shit, how I would like to HAVE a man in my life, not just any man, I've written it all down and put it in my God box and it hasn't happened. Well, that's not entirely true, they have come into my life, but they leave quick and I'm just not sure what I am doing anymore. I seem to have lost all confidence in myself as a woman, when I should be gaining that confidence, especially since I look good now, I've lost 60 pounds, I've still got a bit to go on that, but I look better now than I did 6 months ago...

I'm just so confused. And so alone. And I never should have sent that email, dammit.

4 comments:

The Girl You Don't Bring Home to Momma said...

Lea: You did what you needed to do at the time. DO NOT beat yourself up for it. Your hurt and you had every right to say what is on your mind. Fuck him, and his feelings or what people think at church !

annie kelleher said...

ditto ditto to the above. you're entitled to your feelings and to express your feelings and who says you always have to take the high road? and who cares what anyone else thinks - let alone people from church?!

Charmaine said...

I know EXACTELY how you feel.

I broke up with "The Vern" a year ago. I don't know if you read the blog where he had is "new" girlfriend call me to describe in profane detail the sex they were having. (Another hypocritical Christian) I never slept with him. I was waiting for the ring.

Anyway, so we're broken up for good now that I have been formally repleased. Every night I worked on the "email" to him. Every single night for a month. Then I never sent it.

Then...it happened. He came back to fix some stuff, we went to dinner, made out on my couch and he announced he had a NEW girlfriend. That's when...the email happened. I went ballistic, like a crazed 12 year cuz I felt so alone.

I think men must get used to getting such emails cuz...we woman are, let's face, very similar in our outrage. groan.

Lea said...

Ugh! I hate feeling like a hormonal teenager! I know that his last girlfriend text'd him a bunch of FU's when she found out about me, but my anger and hurt goes deeper and yeah, I do have some maturity going on in here, somewhere!!!

I did read about "the vern" and how he's having both his girlfriend and ex read your blog Charmaine. Glad I never gave him my blog addy! NO way, NO men that I'm involved with gets this addy. Nope, not ever! He walked in at one point when I was writing and I closed my computer, asked what I was doing, told him I was writing in my diary LOL he went oh I'll leave you to it let me know when you are done...

But, he may have peeked at it when I wasn't looking, cause I never close it down and I might have forgotten to close it down while he was here... but I doubt he has it now.

BTW - there's been no response to my email. Just like a man.