I'm so use to going to him with things both good and bad. I'm use to telling him things and listening to his well meant but sometimes brutal advice.
I can't do that anymore. I can't stress him out with my stuff. I'm okay with that. But now I stress out about him and when I voice my concern about anything, I get chewed out by nearly everyone.
Example. Today I took my daughter to try and get her drivers license. Woke up at 7am (and if you know me at all you know that I am NOT a morning person) picked her up at Dads. She's afraid to drive my jeep, its too big for her she says so we took his Toyota. I couldn't figure out why she was having such a time with the brakes (I let her drive to one of the DMVs) and was trying to tell her to go easy on them...
The first DMV was way to busy and no parking places so I got behind the wheel to take us to a different one and found out why she was having such trouble with the brakes. THEY ARE GOING OUT! I know a bit about cars so this had me concerned.
We get to the other DMV and we find out that his license plates have been suspended since August 26th. WTF? Clearly an insurance error, but the child couldn't take the test in that car so we headed back to Dads.
Oh and let me explain this. The half an artificial heart implanted in him also comes with this wire that comes out of his stomach and attaches to these HUGE batteries that only last 4 hours, so he has to carry extras with him wherever he goes, but also he is not allowed to get any of that wet (making it difficult to take showers and be outside when it rains)...
After we drop his car back off and I explain to my stepmother that the brakes are bad, she tells me that she thought so but since she doesn't know anything about cars she let it go.. okay understandable... but I don't want my father or my kid in that car, plus - when my daughter hit some water turning right, the tires slid which tells me that the tires tread isn't up to par...
My aunt took Dad to the Lab to get some blood work done and I came home after a brief workout in the pool. As I'm watching TV they broadcast a severe thunderstorm warning for us. I call my father and ask him if he is home yet he says no, they are now eating lunch out. I tell him about the rain coming and he assures me that they will wait at the restaurant till it stops...
20 minutes later it's pouring down here. I call again, making sure he is okay and find he is in the car. I don't know what car, I ask "In the Toyota?" he mumbles something to me that sounded like yes and I said Dad, the brakes are bad and it's pouring rain please tell whoever is driving (I didn't know it was my aunt or stepmother) to be careful. The next thing I know my aunt is on the phone with me yelling at me not to tell my father what is wrong with the car.
WTF? I can't do anything right, obviously. A week ago my stepmother kicked me out of the house because I was yelling at my sister for trying to steal my xanex from me and I caught her in the act... and this bitch that lives in the complex of my fathers, LOCKED ME OUT OF MY FAMILIES HOUSE! I'm told she was reamed for it, told she wasn't family and I was and that she needs to stay out of it and I'm told that my stepmother also reamed my sister for trying to steal from me AGAIN.. but still I am always the bad guy it seems.
I worry about my father and express it and get reamed. I stay away from the family so as not to get reamed and get reamed.
I can't win for fucking losing.
I must leave this town, leave this negativity soon or I don't know what I'm going to do. I no longer speak to my sister, if you remember last year at my boys wedding she broke into my hotel room and stole a full bottle of Valium (which I had just refilled and usually lasts me about 3 months) and I stopped speaking to her for 4 months till she said she was getting clean and sober - which she didn't do. The Friday before the incident in my house, she was smoking pot in front of my boy. I don't smoke pot, well about at his age I did for a few months but never liked it and he's not exposed to it at home, but she's never hidden the fact that she does and lets just say that and the stealing from me, is the last straw. I'm done. I was told she was going to move down to Tucson but now I hear she is staying in Vegas, so life here will be difficult at best, between her and now my aunt and as always my stepmother...
Fuck. I'm 45 years old. When does this end?
When I get out of Vegas I bet. Just like it did when I was gone before.
That's got to be the plan. Leave. Just a matter of where, when and how. Mostly where. The when will have to wait till the boy graduates Junior High next June and the how should be okay when I get my settlement from my car accident before then...
Anyone have any suggestions? Beach and snow that's what I look for.
Peace.
Showing posts with label dad. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dad. Show all posts
Friday, September 4, 2009
Monday, August 3, 2009
I'm alive.
Been without internet or computer for a while. Long story short.. money.
Not sure how much I will contribute here right now, things are really messed up at home finacially and other things. Oh how I wish I could leave this town and start new.
My father will be returning to Vegas this month 2 days before my 45th birthday. He never received the heart transplant as he became too sick for it and was removed from the UNO'S list. They did place a LVAD wire in him and now he is limited in all that he does.
I will be grandmother soon. Sept 26th, my granddaughter Nova Ruby is to join us in this world. I am very excited.
Right now it's 4am and I am on my sleep cycle of sleeping during the day and up all night again. I can't seem to break it as hard as I try.
I am sorry to those that I owe things to from Monday Giveaway. Currently I do not have the money for postage and packing materials. I just barely have enough to pay bills and buy food for the kids. I'm not even sure I'll be able to keep my internet on again, but cross our fingers that I can.
I'm off to try to sleep. More later.
Not sure how much I will contribute here right now, things are really messed up at home finacially and other things. Oh how I wish I could leave this town and start new.
My father will be returning to Vegas this month 2 days before my 45th birthday. He never received the heart transplant as he became too sick for it and was removed from the UNO'S list. They did place a LVAD wire in him and now he is limited in all that he does.
I will be grandmother soon. Sept 26th, my granddaughter Nova Ruby is to join us in this world. I am very excited.
Right now it's 4am and I am on my sleep cycle of sleeping during the day and up all night again. I can't seem to break it as hard as I try.
I am sorry to those that I owe things to from Monday Giveaway. Currently I do not have the money for postage and packing materials. I just barely have enough to pay bills and buy food for the kids. I'm not even sure I'll be able to keep my internet on again, but cross our fingers that I can.
I'm off to try to sleep. More later.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Dad...
Dad is in the hospital again. He has blood in his poop. He told me that he was bleeding from the bottom, not a subject I guess he is comfortable talking about around me, cause I said, IN YOUR POOP? And he hesitated than said, yes... ha, leave it to me to break the ice, so to speak.
Thankfully, not his heart. Doctor says that he should be just fine, that around the colon there are tiny vessels that bleed and so, they are doing a colonostopy (spelling?) tomorrow and can zap them shut while in there, if that is what it is. It's not the hemorrhoids (yep, I asked if he had those, I'm just open like that!) After a few minutes discussion, he didn't sound so uncomfortable, so way to go me! Talking about blood in his poop is, I'm sure, not a conversation he wanted to have with his daughter, but me having no fear in discussing anything just brought him along in the conversation.
The girl came into my room earlier this morning and said, Mom. I just rolled over and looked at her and said, "What did you do?" (I'm just good like that, can tell from her tone she had something to tell me that she figured I'd be angry about)
Girl:"I need to tell you something but I'm afraid you'll get mad"
Me: "What did you do?" (sitting up now)
Girl:"I went to that concert last night but it wasn't a concert"
Me: (sitting completely up now)"What was it?"
Girl: "A rave"
Me: (Now completely alert and just a little upset but hiding it)"A rave? Did you do drugs or drink?"
Girl: "No"
Me:"Did....
Girl:"I didn't leave my water anywhere either and when I did, I got a new one."
Me:(more relaxed now)"Ok"
Girl:"Will you let me go again, Mom? Don't you trust me?"
Me: "I trust you, it's others I don't trust and I'll have to think about letting you go again. You should have texted me as soon as you realized what it was, so I could make the decision last night."
Girl: "Well, I was home at 11"
Me: "Yeah, so probably I'd let you go again."
This is an 18 year old girl, who's never smoked a cigarette, never done drugs, never has had sex... this is a GOOD 18 year old girl, unlike me at her age. I was already 2 years in a relationship with the man who would eventually become my husband, then my ex husband, but at 18 he had cheated on me and I moved to Hawaii (Maui) for nearly a year, then came back only to move to Texas with him and got pregnant then married. She is so not like me. I think I did a good job with her, as opposed to the job I'm doing with the boy - I just don't know how to raise a boy... especially one as wild as mine.
Oh and apparently, a buff good looking guy came up to her and said, I like the way you look, I'm a chubby chaser. HA! This kid of mine isn't fat, but has a little bit of chunk in the waist area. I laughed, while saying... "was he kind of short?" Yep, about her height which is 5'7. I had to laugh again, cause it seems short men (who neither of us particularly are attracted to, though new dude is my height and I think he is good looking) most always like chubs or women who are heavy set. But, I told her to hold out hope, because both Glen and Matt are over 6' and both like women who are heavier, as opposed to small skinny women. Even though this guy said he is a chubby chaser and while it's kind of rude, we looked on the other side, the shiny side and decided that she should take it as a compliment, which put a big smile on her face. I asked if she gave him her number and she looked at me and said, Mom, I don't give my number out to guys I just meet. I'm so proud of her! She really has her head on straight when it comes to the opposite sex. Not like most girls who are her age or she hangs out with, all seem to be really boy crazy and are sexually active.. She is more of a leader than a follower...
Now if only I could figure out how to change the path I see the boy going down, all will be perfect in the family part of life. Dad says he needs to be in more organized sports, so tomorrow I am calling the baseball guy and see when the next club ball starts and get this boy of mine back into baseball (he won't play little league anymore and I don't blame him since the coaches all suck).
On another note. We finally figured out why we (new dude and I) are always getting sick after hanging out with each other. We spend most of the time in his room (he rents a room from a "common house")... his landlord and him found black mold in the air conditioning vent. Which blows on us all night long and explains his cough and my chest always heavy. Plus, when I sleep there, I'm both cold and sweating constantly. I spent the night there (and no, we do not have sex, but we do cuddle in bed)and at 8am I got up said I needed to go home. I was SO cold and today, I don't feel so good - so, I'm pretty sure it's the a/c. We don't hang out here at my house because the kids mostly and my house isn't very clean right now (because it takes me days to recuperate after being with him most of the weekend)... but this week is housecleaning week, Spring cleaning! He's doing the girls hair on Saturday for prom (btw, she got a new date!) so hopefully we will just hang out here Saturday night instead of his place.
Just a bunch of rambling thoughts in my head that I thought I would put out there. Boring I know, but right now, my life is boring. Don't say I didn't warn you the other day when I said I was bored with my life - though now I see why... IT IS BORING!!
Oh and I met the new dudes ex girlfriend. I wasn't impressed. And she apparently told him that I was a bitch to her. Just because I wasn't all smiling and making small talk with her, which she did her best to do with me and all I could do is nod my head (with a smile on my face) to her, I'm a bitch. Bummer. He told her that I wasn't a bitch, but a sweetheart. I then asked him how old she was, because she looked like she was older than me and it turns out she is nearly 10 years younger than me! I was surprised. And she thought I was closer to her age and was surprised when he told her I was coming up on 45 (which is older than both of them)so that made me feel good!
Enough of the rambling. Hope everyone is having a good Sunday!
Peace.
Thankfully, not his heart. Doctor says that he should be just fine, that around the colon there are tiny vessels that bleed and so, they are doing a colonostopy (spelling?) tomorrow and can zap them shut while in there, if that is what it is. It's not the hemorrhoids (yep, I asked if he had those, I'm just open like that!) After a few minutes discussion, he didn't sound so uncomfortable, so way to go me! Talking about blood in his poop is, I'm sure, not a conversation he wanted to have with his daughter, but me having no fear in discussing anything just brought him along in the conversation.
The girl came into my room earlier this morning and said, Mom. I just rolled over and looked at her and said, "What did you do?" (I'm just good like that, can tell from her tone she had something to tell me that she figured I'd be angry about)
Girl:"I need to tell you something but I'm afraid you'll get mad"
Me: "What did you do?" (sitting up now)
Girl:"I went to that concert last night but it wasn't a concert"
Me: (sitting completely up now)"What was it?"
Girl: "A rave"
Me: (Now completely alert and just a little upset but hiding it)"A rave? Did you do drugs or drink?"
Girl: "No"
Me:"Did....
Girl:"I didn't leave my water anywhere either and when I did, I got a new one."
Me:(more relaxed now)"Ok"
Girl:"Will you let me go again, Mom? Don't you trust me?"
Me: "I trust you, it's others I don't trust and I'll have to think about letting you go again. You should have texted me as soon as you realized what it was, so I could make the decision last night."
Girl: "Well, I was home at 11"
Me: "Yeah, so probably I'd let you go again."
This is an 18 year old girl, who's never smoked a cigarette, never done drugs, never has had sex... this is a GOOD 18 year old girl, unlike me at her age. I was already 2 years in a relationship with the man who would eventually become my husband, then my ex husband, but at 18 he had cheated on me and I moved to Hawaii (Maui) for nearly a year, then came back only to move to Texas with him and got pregnant then married. She is so not like me. I think I did a good job with her, as opposed to the job I'm doing with the boy - I just don't know how to raise a boy... especially one as wild as mine.
Oh and apparently, a buff good looking guy came up to her and said, I like the way you look, I'm a chubby chaser. HA! This kid of mine isn't fat, but has a little bit of chunk in the waist area. I laughed, while saying... "was he kind of short?" Yep, about her height which is 5'7. I had to laugh again, cause it seems short men (who neither of us particularly are attracted to, though new dude is my height and I think he is good looking) most always like chubs or women who are heavy set. But, I told her to hold out hope, because both Glen and Matt are over 6' and both like women who are heavier, as opposed to small skinny women. Even though this guy said he is a chubby chaser and while it's kind of rude, we looked on the other side, the shiny side and decided that she should take it as a compliment, which put a big smile on her face. I asked if she gave him her number and she looked at me and said, Mom, I don't give my number out to guys I just meet. I'm so proud of her! She really has her head on straight when it comes to the opposite sex. Not like most girls who are her age or she hangs out with, all seem to be really boy crazy and are sexually active.. She is more of a leader than a follower...
Now if only I could figure out how to change the path I see the boy going down, all will be perfect in the family part of life. Dad says he needs to be in more organized sports, so tomorrow I am calling the baseball guy and see when the next club ball starts and get this boy of mine back into baseball (he won't play little league anymore and I don't blame him since the coaches all suck).
On another note. We finally figured out why we (new dude and I) are always getting sick after hanging out with each other. We spend most of the time in his room (he rents a room from a "common house")... his landlord and him found black mold in the air conditioning vent. Which blows on us all night long and explains his cough and my chest always heavy. Plus, when I sleep there, I'm both cold and sweating constantly. I spent the night there (and no, we do not have sex, but we do cuddle in bed)and at 8am I got up said I needed to go home. I was SO cold and today, I don't feel so good - so, I'm pretty sure it's the a/c. We don't hang out here at my house because the kids mostly and my house isn't very clean right now (because it takes me days to recuperate after being with him most of the weekend)... but this week is housecleaning week, Spring cleaning! He's doing the girls hair on Saturday for prom (btw, she got a new date!) so hopefully we will just hang out here Saturday night instead of his place.
Just a bunch of rambling thoughts in my head that I thought I would put out there. Boring I know, but right now, my life is boring. Don't say I didn't warn you the other day when I said I was bored with my life - though now I see why... IT IS BORING!!
Oh and I met the new dudes ex girlfriend. I wasn't impressed. And she apparently told him that I was a bitch to her. Just because I wasn't all smiling and making small talk with her, which she did her best to do with me and all I could do is nod my head (with a smile on my face) to her, I'm a bitch. Bummer. He told her that I wasn't a bitch, but a sweetheart. I then asked him how old she was, because she looked like she was older than me and it turns out she is nearly 10 years younger than me! I was surprised. And she thought I was closer to her age and was surprised when he told her I was coming up on 45 (which is older than both of them)so that made me feel good!
Enough of the rambling. Hope everyone is having a good Sunday!
Peace.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Quick update...
Several people have asked me how I am and I've been remiss in responding. So, a few things going on here and there...
Had my band tightened today, have lost 70 pounds since Sept. Hope to get more motivated and begin exercising again soon, to lose more. Thinking (note, word is "thinking") about quitting smoking once I've lost 100 pounds.
New dude and I are going along happily oblivious to the fact that we have so much in common, yet haven't (and I have no plans on it) taken this to a higher level. Frankly, I don't want to ruin the friendship that we have, so I'm content with the way things are right now. Called me today to tell me how sick he was as he's hacking away, I had to ask him if he was raised by a Yiddish mother or grandmother, because he was reminding me of a spoiled little Jewish girl, to which he choked on his laughter. (Hey, I know, I grew up with a Yiddish great grandmother and a spoiled Jewish little sister!) So, it remains as it is. I did have to ask Glen though if he thought the reason men don't want to pursue a more than friendship relationship with me, was it because I am so independent? He said that probably that and the fact that I'm intelligent, not whining clingy needy...and that I'm pretty confident in my boundaries and who I let into my life most times. But I have a hard time understanding the part about not being clingy, whining and needy.. I always thought (and still do) that clingy whining needy was a turn off for men. I guess, I'm just so use to doing things on my own (or calling Glen to help) that it doesn't occur to me to be more "dependent" on the men in my life aside from Glen, who is my only friend with benefits.. oh wait, well, if Matt was in town I'd be doing him too (he's super yummy and we have a good time together, no matter what we do, even if it's just talking on the phone). Oy vey! Now I sound like some loose kinda woman! But, hey, if I can't sleep with my friends, who can I sleep with?
Dad had more surgery yesterday. 5 hours long. They replaced his pacemaker and the lead wires and he came out of it with flying colors! He was up and around a few hours after the surgery. I'm so in awe of him and the strength he has exhibited these last few months. They are talking about possibly letting him leave the hospital on Sunday (though he will have to remain in Phx/Scottsdale, for a while - his goal is to come back to Vegas by June 1st). He is doing so good and I am looking forward to his return home so that I can be of more help, see him more and so the kids are able to spend more time with him too. He's going to be pissed off though once he returns.... the two markets near his house have closed down and the pharmacy that we all go to closed it's doors today for the last time. Though all prescriptions have been transferred to Walgreens, which is right by the house too... there are no markets right around the corner from his place... other than the Super Walmart across the street from my house. I only live about 1/2 a mile or so from Dad, so he'll probably start going there. It's all just been so convenient for him for so long, now it won't be!
Tomorrow, I'll be out of commission again. More shots to the neck and I've also got a problem underneath my arms, a pinched nerve or something on both sides, if I lift them up, it hurts pretty bad.. it's been like that since the neck stuff last week. Must remember to tell the doctor tomorrow about this new thing. I wish my body felt more like I was in my 20's than like I'm in my 80's! Shoot, I'd probably settle to feel like I was in my 40's like I am... but must it feel like I'm 80+??
Still have the giveaway going on over at Monday Giveaway it's open till Saturday. Planning on sending out previous winners stuff on Monday, but best laid plans and all that... hopefully I can stick to my plans. Friday, if I'm feeling up to it, going to pick up New dude and go to the market... if he doesn't "die" before than! (his words, not mine!)
So, in a nutshell that is what has/is been going on in my world the last week or so..
What's going on in yours? Do share!
Peace.
Had my band tightened today, have lost 70 pounds since Sept. Hope to get more motivated and begin exercising again soon, to lose more. Thinking (note, word is "thinking") about quitting smoking once I've lost 100 pounds.
New dude and I are going along happily oblivious to the fact that we have so much in common, yet haven't (and I have no plans on it) taken this to a higher level. Frankly, I don't want to ruin the friendship that we have, so I'm content with the way things are right now. Called me today to tell me how sick he was as he's hacking away, I had to ask him if he was raised by a Yiddish mother or grandmother, because he was reminding me of a spoiled little Jewish girl, to which he choked on his laughter. (Hey, I know, I grew up with a Yiddish great grandmother and a spoiled Jewish little sister!) So, it remains as it is. I did have to ask Glen though if he thought the reason men don't want to pursue a more than friendship relationship with me, was it because I am so independent? He said that probably that and the fact that I'm intelligent, not whining clingy needy...and that I'm pretty confident in my boundaries and who I let into my life most times. But I have a hard time understanding the part about not being clingy, whining and needy.. I always thought (and still do) that clingy whining needy was a turn off for men. I guess, I'm just so use to doing things on my own (or calling Glen to help) that it doesn't occur to me to be more "dependent" on the men in my life aside from Glen, who is my only friend with benefits.. oh wait, well, if Matt was in town I'd be doing him too (he's super yummy and we have a good time together, no matter what we do, even if it's just talking on the phone). Oy vey! Now I sound like some loose kinda woman! But, hey, if I can't sleep with my friends, who can I sleep with?
Dad had more surgery yesterday. 5 hours long. They replaced his pacemaker and the lead wires and he came out of it with flying colors! He was up and around a few hours after the surgery. I'm so in awe of him and the strength he has exhibited these last few months. They are talking about possibly letting him leave the hospital on Sunday (though he will have to remain in Phx/Scottsdale, for a while - his goal is to come back to Vegas by June 1st). He is doing so good and I am looking forward to his return home so that I can be of more help, see him more and so the kids are able to spend more time with him too. He's going to be pissed off though once he returns.... the two markets near his house have closed down and the pharmacy that we all go to closed it's doors today for the last time. Though all prescriptions have been transferred to Walgreens, which is right by the house too... there are no markets right around the corner from his place... other than the Super Walmart across the street from my house. I only live about 1/2 a mile or so from Dad, so he'll probably start going there. It's all just been so convenient for him for so long, now it won't be!
Tomorrow, I'll be out of commission again. More shots to the neck and I've also got a problem underneath my arms, a pinched nerve or something on both sides, if I lift them up, it hurts pretty bad.. it's been like that since the neck stuff last week. Must remember to tell the doctor tomorrow about this new thing. I wish my body felt more like I was in my 20's than like I'm in my 80's! Shoot, I'd probably settle to feel like I was in my 40's like I am... but must it feel like I'm 80+??
Still have the giveaway going on over at Monday Giveaway it's open till Saturday. Planning on sending out previous winners stuff on Monday, but best laid plans and all that... hopefully I can stick to my plans. Friday, if I'm feeling up to it, going to pick up New dude and go to the market... if he doesn't "die" before than! (his words, not mine!)
So, in a nutshell that is what has/is been going on in my world the last week or so..
What's going on in yours? Do share!
Peace.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Out of ICU and on the road to recovery....
Wow, talk about determined and strong minded/willed! Dad is out of ICU in less time than they had originally said he would be there.. like 2 weeks sooner! He's tired, sounds tired when I talk to him, but that's to be expected.
Physical therapy every day, painkillers to keep him out of the bad pain and able to do the physical therapy. He is SO determined to be up here for the girls high school graduation, I think he may be pushing himself harder than perhaps he would be if not for that. But, that is the price he is willing to pay, in order to be here for the graduation and the birth of his first great grandchild!
The doctors, nurses and other caretakers at the Mayo Clinic in Scottsdale, Arizona are incredible. Kind, compassionate, loving... just all around wonderful people. There's been only one nurse that has given him trouble (which was before his surgery) and she was promptly removed from taking care of him. Everyone else is awesome and while in the beginning I was upset and nervous that he was there and not at UCLA in California where they do far more heart transplants than anyone in the country (this was while he was still on the UNOS list for a heart) I don't feel that way anymore and have realized he was and is in the best place he needed to be, for what needed to be done.
A thank you card will be sent this week, to the staff on the fourth floor west wing of the Mayo Clinic. I firmly believe that they are as responsible for keeping him going and getting him through the hard times, as his own determination to get healthy has been. I would recommend this hospital to anyone.
Now, as I mentioned in an email to someone, I wish someone would beam me back to my life before all this, so I can get back to the things that are important... like cleaning my house, feeding my kids, blogging, reading blogs, Monday giveaways... heh and as I mentioned in that email... not necessarily in that order either! My life however, is forever changed, by the experiences that have come my way in the last few months and the growth I have felt within me is tremendous. For this, I am grateful...
Ok, now to finally put my new computer together. I've decided to keep it and use the old one for parts.
------------------
Oh and real quick... I received a phone call from what I can only assume to have been a bill collector. I normally do not answer my phone if I don't recognize the number, but it was an Arizona number, so I answered it (sometimes, my sister or aunt don't charge their phone batteries and will call me from another number in AZ). The person asked for me and I asked, who's calling please. They said, what? I said, who is calling please, they repeated the what part and I said, WHO IS THIS, a bit louder than my usual raspy type of a whisper voice and they said...
"Wow, you have a bad attitude" and promptly hung up on me! Guess it wasn't all that important of a call! Now we know one of the reasons I don't answer the phone if I don't know the number!!
Physical therapy every day, painkillers to keep him out of the bad pain and able to do the physical therapy. He is SO determined to be up here for the girls high school graduation, I think he may be pushing himself harder than perhaps he would be if not for that. But, that is the price he is willing to pay, in order to be here for the graduation and the birth of his first great grandchild!
The doctors, nurses and other caretakers at the Mayo Clinic in Scottsdale, Arizona are incredible. Kind, compassionate, loving... just all around wonderful people. There's been only one nurse that has given him trouble (which was before his surgery) and she was promptly removed from taking care of him. Everyone else is awesome and while in the beginning I was upset and nervous that he was there and not at UCLA in California where they do far more heart transplants than anyone in the country (this was while he was still on the UNOS list for a heart) I don't feel that way anymore and have realized he was and is in the best place he needed to be, for what needed to be done.
A thank you card will be sent this week, to the staff on the fourth floor west wing of the Mayo Clinic. I firmly believe that they are as responsible for keeping him going and getting him through the hard times, as his own determination to get healthy has been. I would recommend this hospital to anyone.
Now, as I mentioned in an email to someone, I wish someone would beam me back to my life before all this, so I can get back to the things that are important... like cleaning my house, feeding my kids, blogging, reading blogs, Monday giveaways... heh and as I mentioned in that email... not necessarily in that order either! My life however, is forever changed, by the experiences that have come my way in the last few months and the growth I have felt within me is tremendous. For this, I am grateful...
Ok, now to finally put my new computer together. I've decided to keep it and use the old one for parts.
------------------
Oh and real quick... I received a phone call from what I can only assume to have been a bill collector. I normally do not answer my phone if I don't recognize the number, but it was an Arizona number, so I answered it (sometimes, my sister or aunt don't charge their phone batteries and will call me from another number in AZ). The person asked for me and I asked, who's calling please. They said, what? I said, who is calling please, they repeated the what part and I said, WHO IS THIS, a bit louder than my usual raspy type of a whisper voice and they said...
"Wow, you have a bad attitude" and promptly hung up on me! Guess it wasn't all that important of a call! Now we know one of the reasons I don't answer the phone if I don't know the number!!
Monday, March 9, 2009
Quick note
Computer still not working...
But on a happy note, dad called my cell tonight and I was able to speak to him and he spoke to me. Not for too long, as he is still very tired and there's pain, but just the short time that I spoke to him was wonderful.
Thank you for all your prayers and positive thoughts sent to him.
Hope to get computer fixed this week! So much to catch up on!
But on a happy note, dad called my cell tonight and I was able to speak to him and he spoke to me. Not for too long, as he is still very tired and there's pain, but just the short time that I spoke to him was wonderful.
Thank you for all your prayers and positive thoughts sent to him.
Hope to get computer fixed this week! So much to catch up on!
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
And, it beats
The right side began beating. A lot of bleeding, so they went back in 45 minutes later and got that under control.
He remains with his chest open, for about a week to monitor the heart, but I'm told it all looks good and with lots of work, he should be able to return home in about 6 months and resume his life again.
What a weight lifted off my shoulders, a feeling of hope has returned.
Thank you to all of you for your support.
He remains with his chest open, for about a week to monitor the heart, but I'm told it all looks good and with lots of work, he should be able to return home in about 6 months and resume his life again.
What a weight lifted off my shoulders, a feeling of hope has returned.
Thank you to all of you for your support.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Thank you
Thank you, thank you, thank you... to all of you for your comments, for your love, cyber hugs and support. Thank you.
I am currently waiting for the phone call. He was scheduled today as a "to follow" which means that after the surgeries were done today, he would follow. They thought about 4pm, which means if he went in around then it's been about 2 hours. IF the heart starts on it's own, then it will take longer than if it doesn't... I've also learned that if the heart starts beating on it's own, he will still be in the trauma room, chest opened up, for about a week in order to clean up any bleeding that may happen.
I've not quite reach the point of acceptance. My head intellectually knows and accept that these next few weeks or sooner, could be my fathers last on the earth. And if it is, I know that my grandmother and grandfather, his mom and dad, will be there to greet him and be with him. However, my heart won't follow my mind. It refuses to accept it. This for my own heart hurt. I know there are other ways for our hearts to feel like they hurt, but for me it's rare that I can feel heart hurt, probably because I never let anyone close to me.. face it, I'm damaged goods and until my own heart heals, becomes one with my mind, I won't let anyone in and I won't be able to accept my fathers mortality... the chance that he will never wake up again from that table. He wouldn't want me to neglect my life or the kids, but how can I really move on in my life when first all I really think about is him and second, having gotten closer to him these last months a father daughter relationship that is pretty much where I have always wanted it to be, how can I let go of that just yet?
This will be the hardest decision my stepmother will have to make in her entire life. I don't envy her, I don't like her either, but I do feel for her. How can you decide to pull the plug on the man you have been married to for over 30 years and love and then watch as he draws his last breath. I don't know that I could do it, regardless if it was his choice or not. I know the doctors are keeping him alive right now with the machines. I also know he is in no pain and I found out today they are giving him some medication that has an amnesiac in it, so when/if he comes out of this, he won't even remember any of this, the length of time, people visiting him, the excruciating pain, nothing. If he comes out if it, he'll have missed a few weeks in his life that will be blank, but he will also have the chance to live longer... so that should cancel out the missed time he'll have.
I don't know, I still feel like I am babbling and not making sense, hopefully you'll get what I am saying...
And again, thank you all, for your support.
I am currently waiting for the phone call. He was scheduled today as a "to follow" which means that after the surgeries were done today, he would follow. They thought about 4pm, which means if he went in around then it's been about 2 hours. IF the heart starts on it's own, then it will take longer than if it doesn't... I've also learned that if the heart starts beating on it's own, he will still be in the trauma room, chest opened up, for about a week in order to clean up any bleeding that may happen.
I've not quite reach the point of acceptance. My head intellectually knows and accept that these next few weeks or sooner, could be my fathers last on the earth. And if it is, I know that my grandmother and grandfather, his mom and dad, will be there to greet him and be with him. However, my heart won't follow my mind. It refuses to accept it. This for my own heart hurt. I know there are other ways for our hearts to feel like they hurt, but for me it's rare that I can feel heart hurt, probably because I never let anyone close to me.. face it, I'm damaged goods and until my own heart heals, becomes one with my mind, I won't let anyone in and I won't be able to accept my fathers mortality... the chance that he will never wake up again from that table. He wouldn't want me to neglect my life or the kids, but how can I really move on in my life when first all I really think about is him and second, having gotten closer to him these last months a father daughter relationship that is pretty much where I have always wanted it to be, how can I let go of that just yet?
This will be the hardest decision my stepmother will have to make in her entire life. I don't envy her, I don't like her either, but I do feel for her. How can you decide to pull the plug on the man you have been married to for over 30 years and love and then watch as he draws his last breath. I don't know that I could do it, regardless if it was his choice or not. I know the doctors are keeping him alive right now with the machines. I also know he is in no pain and I found out today they are giving him some medication that has an amnesiac in it, so when/if he comes out of this, he won't even remember any of this, the length of time, people visiting him, the excruciating pain, nothing. If he comes out if it, he'll have missed a few weeks in his life that will be blank, but he will also have the chance to live longer... so that should cancel out the missed time he'll have.
I don't know, I still feel like I am babbling and not making sense, hopefully you'll get what I am saying...
And again, thank you all, for your support.
Friday, February 27, 2009
5:30 am
Sleep eludes me. It comes in spurts of about 15 minutes. I hear his voice, much like he spoke to me as a child. I feel his presence while I sleep, yet when awake he is no where to be found.
I cry as quietly as I can. My eyes are swollen and red. For the kids, I need to remain strong, yet it has become difficult to even get up and use the bathroom. I have no strength left in me, physically, emotionally, mentally. Where do I find this strength from, for them, so they do not fall apart.. I haven't a clue.
I'm disappointed in myself, for not being stronger for my sister, my kids. I don't break down around them. They see a strong tough independent woman, not a woman who has no self control over herself. I feel darkness everywhere I look and go. The heart hurt is nearly unbearable. There is no joy, no happiness, no laughter in my home. Only pain, heart hurt, feelings hurt, confusion and much wishing things were different.
The boy handled the news far better than the girl and I, though he is having trouble with it, he held up when faced with the news, wanting to skip school again today and drive back down to Az. This simply isn't a choice, though if I had the money, I probably would go back, but I spent my bill money and have just enough to get some groceries to last us till I get paid again on the 3rd. Even the new life we have in the house, 4 little kittens do nothing to bring a smile to my face.
My entire being feels as if the life force has been completely sucked out of me. I think about when we buried my gram and don't believe I have it in me to bury my father should it come to that.
I think about how I wasn't much of a daughter, not a good one at least. I was willfull and headstrong, doing it all my way. Having being kicked out of my mothers home at 13, unable to stand living with my father because of his wife, I lived on the streets until nearly 15 when my beloved gram talked me into going to boarding school, in the same town as my father lays in a coma now. I think about the years I refused to speak to him, simply because he was being a father and I didn't "need" a father by then, having already grown up and been on my own for so long.
I think about when my oldest boy was 8 months old and my father at 40 had his first bypass surgery. How everyone went across the street to a resturant and got drunk, but I came from Northern California with my little boy and instead went to my mothers home, who is a nurse and learned about the procedure from her. Only to get blamed for not being a good daughter because I didn't want to get drunk with the rest of them. Something not above my stepmother for saying. I imagine she is thinking/saying that now as well, though I don't care that much this time, what she thinks.
I remember when my girl was born. How he came from where he lived in Tucson, to So. California to meet his new grandchild, his second one and how proud he was of his first and only girl grandchild. The apple of his eye. And how he came the moment the boy was born, smiling proudly like a grandfather would and talking baseball even when the boy was only 2 hours old. He never had much time with my oldest boy, who lived in California with his father, so the boy was basically the only boy he ever had and he looked forward to coaching him in baseball and just having another male around, since there were only girls around him. Me, my sister, my daughter, him. Bringing the boy into his life, made him very happy.
I still wasn't a good daughter. I gave him the kids, the only good thing I ever did for him. His love for my children is fierce, unbreakable, unlike any love he feels for the rest of us. They are his reason that he wanted to continue living and for the new baby coming at the end of the year, his first great grandchild. I hope that his mind remembers this, while he lays in a coma, his chest open, machines all around him giving him life, keeping him alive.
I've always said I have no regrets for the way I lived my life. Yes, I did it my way, though at various times, I had no choice. But as I sit here this morning, I find myself with many regrets, the biggest one...not being the daughter that I could have been. I wish I could teach this to my own children. Sadly, they will have to learn this lesson on their own, it is nothing I can teach them. I can only tell them of my experience, but as much as they like to say they are not like me in any way, they are very much like me. Wanting to do it, their way, without thought of others around them.
Perhaps there is truth in those words many hear as children, something to the effect of a threat I suppose, not one I ever heard, but one I've heard others say. How they will get what they gave when they were children... apparently that is what I am living right now with them.
My mind is racing. The heart hurt continues. I beg my grandmother and my grandfather to not take their oldest child, not yet please. Not sure what if that helps or not, I simply cannot think of anything else to do.
He is here with me, I can feel him, I can hear him. I think I have reached that edge of insanity, that this was the push needed to send me over the edge. The tunnel is black, there is at this moment, no light at the end of it. I can't turn around, there is no light on the other side either. Which way do I go? I can't go backwards, yet going forward scares me beyond words. I know I must walk through this, the best I can, yet my best doesn't feel good enough. These are feelings I've had my entire life and I had thought I no longer held these feelings of worthlessness, of not being good enough, but as my fathers mortality stares me in the face, I realize I still carry these feelings of self loathing, that I'm not and never was good enough and perhaps, I will never be good enough.
Regardless of what happens in the next week or so, nothing will ever be the same. My realtionship with my children will be changed forever, my relationship with my family will be changed forever and I'm not so sure these are good things. I will be belittled by my fathers wife, for not staying during his surgery, even knowing that he asked me to bring the kids home. I will not win in any of this, even if he pulls through and I will once again be "that" daughter, the one who does as she pleases. Rationality does not come easily if at all, to this family. I have been the rational one all my life, yet I seem to have lost that somewhere in the last 24 hours. I seem to have lost much in the last 24 hours. And should he pull through? He will follow his wives lead and I will again be the daughter who does nothing right, no matter that he told me what to do and I did it, he will not remember that, as he was on painkillers, something he never takes but has been while in the hospital and it has clouded his thinking even when not on them. This I know to be true, as my stepmother told him I had said something the other day, something I never said nor would I and he came down on me for it, no amount of denying it helped, as always. She holds a power over him that is unexplainable.. he has always allowed her to treat me like shit and in turn, he did the same. It wasn't until he got sick this time, that we got closer, our relationship seemed to be that of a father and daughter, instead of conflicts and arguing about trival things all the time...
I'm just so drained, so lonely, so alone and so lost.
I cry as quietly as I can. My eyes are swollen and red. For the kids, I need to remain strong, yet it has become difficult to even get up and use the bathroom. I have no strength left in me, physically, emotionally, mentally. Where do I find this strength from, for them, so they do not fall apart.. I haven't a clue.
I'm disappointed in myself, for not being stronger for my sister, my kids. I don't break down around them. They see a strong tough independent woman, not a woman who has no self control over herself. I feel darkness everywhere I look and go. The heart hurt is nearly unbearable. There is no joy, no happiness, no laughter in my home. Only pain, heart hurt, feelings hurt, confusion and much wishing things were different.
The boy handled the news far better than the girl and I, though he is having trouble with it, he held up when faced with the news, wanting to skip school again today and drive back down to Az. This simply isn't a choice, though if I had the money, I probably would go back, but I spent my bill money and have just enough to get some groceries to last us till I get paid again on the 3rd. Even the new life we have in the house, 4 little kittens do nothing to bring a smile to my face.
My entire being feels as if the life force has been completely sucked out of me. I think about when we buried my gram and don't believe I have it in me to bury my father should it come to that.
I think about how I wasn't much of a daughter, not a good one at least. I was willfull and headstrong, doing it all my way. Having being kicked out of my mothers home at 13, unable to stand living with my father because of his wife, I lived on the streets until nearly 15 when my beloved gram talked me into going to boarding school, in the same town as my father lays in a coma now. I think about the years I refused to speak to him, simply because he was being a father and I didn't "need" a father by then, having already grown up and been on my own for so long.
I think about when my oldest boy was 8 months old and my father at 40 had his first bypass surgery. How everyone went across the street to a resturant and got drunk, but I came from Northern California with my little boy and instead went to my mothers home, who is a nurse and learned about the procedure from her. Only to get blamed for not being a good daughter because I didn't want to get drunk with the rest of them. Something not above my stepmother for saying. I imagine she is thinking/saying that now as well, though I don't care that much this time, what she thinks.
I remember when my girl was born. How he came from where he lived in Tucson, to So. California to meet his new grandchild, his second one and how proud he was of his first and only girl grandchild. The apple of his eye. And how he came the moment the boy was born, smiling proudly like a grandfather would and talking baseball even when the boy was only 2 hours old. He never had much time with my oldest boy, who lived in California with his father, so the boy was basically the only boy he ever had and he looked forward to coaching him in baseball and just having another male around, since there were only girls around him. Me, my sister, my daughter, him. Bringing the boy into his life, made him very happy.
I still wasn't a good daughter. I gave him the kids, the only good thing I ever did for him. His love for my children is fierce, unbreakable, unlike any love he feels for the rest of us. They are his reason that he wanted to continue living and for the new baby coming at the end of the year, his first great grandchild. I hope that his mind remembers this, while he lays in a coma, his chest open, machines all around him giving him life, keeping him alive.
I've always said I have no regrets for the way I lived my life. Yes, I did it my way, though at various times, I had no choice. But as I sit here this morning, I find myself with many regrets, the biggest one...not being the daughter that I could have been. I wish I could teach this to my own children. Sadly, they will have to learn this lesson on their own, it is nothing I can teach them. I can only tell them of my experience, but as much as they like to say they are not like me in any way, they are very much like me. Wanting to do it, their way, without thought of others around them.
Perhaps there is truth in those words many hear as children, something to the effect of a threat I suppose, not one I ever heard, but one I've heard others say. How they will get what they gave when they were children... apparently that is what I am living right now with them.
My mind is racing. The heart hurt continues. I beg my grandmother and my grandfather to not take their oldest child, not yet please. Not sure what if that helps or not, I simply cannot think of anything else to do.
He is here with me, I can feel him, I can hear him. I think I have reached that edge of insanity, that this was the push needed to send me over the edge. The tunnel is black, there is at this moment, no light at the end of it. I can't turn around, there is no light on the other side either. Which way do I go? I can't go backwards, yet going forward scares me beyond words. I know I must walk through this, the best I can, yet my best doesn't feel good enough. These are feelings I've had my entire life and I had thought I no longer held these feelings of worthlessness, of not being good enough, but as my fathers mortality stares me in the face, I realize I still carry these feelings of self loathing, that I'm not and never was good enough and perhaps, I will never be good enough.
Regardless of what happens in the next week or so, nothing will ever be the same. My realtionship with my children will be changed forever, my relationship with my family will be changed forever and I'm not so sure these are good things. I will be belittled by my fathers wife, for not staying during his surgery, even knowing that he asked me to bring the kids home. I will not win in any of this, even if he pulls through and I will once again be "that" daughter, the one who does as she pleases. Rationality does not come easily if at all, to this family. I have been the rational one all my life, yet I seem to have lost that somewhere in the last 24 hours. I seem to have lost much in the last 24 hours. And should he pull through? He will follow his wives lead and I will again be the daughter who does nothing right, no matter that he told me what to do and I did it, he will not remember that, as he was on painkillers, something he never takes but has been while in the hospital and it has clouded his thinking even when not on them. This I know to be true, as my stepmother told him I had said something the other day, something I never said nor would I and he came down on me for it, no amount of denying it helped, as always. She holds a power over him that is unexplainable.. he has always allowed her to treat me like shit and in turn, he did the same. It wasn't until he got sick this time, that we got closer, our relationship seemed to be that of a father and daughter, instead of conflicts and arguing about trival things all the time...
I'm just so drained, so lonely, so alone and so lost.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Doing what I'm told..
My sister went in to see him. Told him that I loved him. Said he looked peaceful.
Glen has ordered me to bed, no medications so that I can hear the phone if it rings in the middle of the night. Glen makes sense always and he's very supportive of me. But, I'm not sure I'll be able to sleep tonight, especially without my medication.
I'm waiting for Minden dude to come online so that I can talk to him.
My sister will go again tomorrow to see him and is going to call me and put the phone to his ear so that I can tell him I love him.
I guess there's simply nothing to do but wait and take care of my kids. I understand it is all out of my hands, I have no control of what is happening or what is going to happen, intellectually... but try to tell that to my heart. My brain has accepted this, my heart hurts and doesn't or won't or I won't let it, accept that I am so powerless over what happens from here.
I want my father. I want that man that was such a pillar of strength for all my life, not the one that is laying in a bed in ICU with his chest open wide while in a coma. It just seems so unfair. My kids have no father in their lives, he was their only male role model and now what? I know, no one ever said life was fair. Shit, I just lost my beloved gram 4 years ago, how do I get through losing my father should he not pull through this?
All I want to do is get drunk.. numb the pain, my first coping mechanism... get loaded when the pain is too much to handle. You'd think I would know better and really I do, getting drunk will do nothing but, yeah, numb the pain.. but the pain will be there when I sober up and who knows what crap I'd do drunk, it's been so very long since I've tied a good one on and the last time just wasn't pretty. Behavior so unlike me when I am sober. Not sure I want to relive that again. I just want to not hurt inside. That's all I want, to just not hurt and I don't know how to not hurt...
I'm so very tired. Bone weary tired. I've been up too long, been crying for hours.. every part of my body hurts and when I think of that, I think how selfish am I? MY BODY HURTS??? Can't be anywhere close to how my dads body feels, I'm sure. It all just freaking sucks.
This is life, in the fast lane. Faster than I care to live it. Someone slow it down, please.
I guess I'll just do as I was told, lay down and close my eyes and try to sleep so that I can be there for the kids in the morning and after school. Wish me luck.
Glen has ordered me to bed, no medications so that I can hear the phone if it rings in the middle of the night. Glen makes sense always and he's very supportive of me. But, I'm not sure I'll be able to sleep tonight, especially without my medication.
I'm waiting for Minden dude to come online so that I can talk to him.
My sister will go again tomorrow to see him and is going to call me and put the phone to his ear so that I can tell him I love him.
I guess there's simply nothing to do but wait and take care of my kids. I understand it is all out of my hands, I have no control of what is happening or what is going to happen, intellectually... but try to tell that to my heart. My brain has accepted this, my heart hurts and doesn't or won't or I won't let it, accept that I am so powerless over what happens from here.
I want my father. I want that man that was such a pillar of strength for all my life, not the one that is laying in a bed in ICU with his chest open wide while in a coma. It just seems so unfair. My kids have no father in their lives, he was their only male role model and now what? I know, no one ever said life was fair. Shit, I just lost my beloved gram 4 years ago, how do I get through losing my father should he not pull through this?
All I want to do is get drunk.. numb the pain, my first coping mechanism... get loaded when the pain is too much to handle. You'd think I would know better and really I do, getting drunk will do nothing but, yeah, numb the pain.. but the pain will be there when I sober up and who knows what crap I'd do drunk, it's been so very long since I've tied a good one on and the last time just wasn't pretty. Behavior so unlike me when I am sober. Not sure I want to relive that again. I just want to not hurt inside. That's all I want, to just not hurt and I don't know how to not hurt...
I'm so very tired. Bone weary tired. I've been up too long, been crying for hours.. every part of my body hurts and when I think of that, I think how selfish am I? MY BODY HURTS??? Can't be anywhere close to how my dads body feels, I'm sure. It all just freaking sucks.
This is life, in the fast lane. Faster than I care to live it. Someone slow it down, please.
I guess I'll just do as I was told, lay down and close my eyes and try to sleep so that I can be there for the kids in the morning and after school. Wish me luck.
What do I call this?
The surgeons came out and spoke to my family. My father is in a coma. The right side of his heart wouldn't start and they couldn't place the LVAD in him. They left his chest open, to watch the bleeding and in the hopes that the right side starts working again, if it does, then he has another surgery and they will place the LVAD, but he really isn't strong enough for another surgery, so I don't know where that leaves us.
I'm all alone here in Vegas. I knew I should have stayed, but that would have gone against his wishes.. though it's not like I've ever listened to him before, not since I was 14, he even said so when we had our private talk. NOW I pick the time to listen to him. What an idiot I am.
My daughter thinks I hate her and no amount of me telling her that I don't, that I love her more than she could know is helping her to feel better. I don't have the strength for this, she thinks I blame her and I don't. I can't get her to believe me, even though I've held her, told her I don't blame her, I don't hate her that she is my only baby girl and I love her with all my heart. That I did what her Papa asked me to do. To take care of them. That is what he would want.
I feel so fucking helpless up here, all alone, scared and dammit I could use a real stiff drink right now, but my kids have never seen me drink or drunk and I don't have alcohol in the house, so I'm shit out of luck....
The girl wants me to fold clothes with her. Says it will keep my hands busy and maybe my mind on something else, but all I want to do is crawl under my covers and sleep and not wake up till or if he does.
I want my dad. I want to be with my dad. I don't care what they say, I know he would know I was there, even in the coma. He would know. I could just kick myself for leaving. Why did I pick now to listen to that ornery stubborn man...
I guess I have to fold clothes since she just put them on my bed and is sitting here folding them... god I love this girl, she is so much stronger than her mother.
Please send prayers or whatever you it is you do, believe in... anything. He needs all the prayers and positive thoughts he can get.
I'm all alone here in Vegas. I knew I should have stayed, but that would have gone against his wishes.. though it's not like I've ever listened to him before, not since I was 14, he even said so when we had our private talk. NOW I pick the time to listen to him. What an idiot I am.
My daughter thinks I hate her and no amount of me telling her that I don't, that I love her more than she could know is helping her to feel better. I don't have the strength for this, she thinks I blame her and I don't. I can't get her to believe me, even though I've held her, told her I don't blame her, I don't hate her that she is my only baby girl and I love her with all my heart. That I did what her Papa asked me to do. To take care of them. That is what he would want.
I feel so fucking helpless up here, all alone, scared and dammit I could use a real stiff drink right now, but my kids have never seen me drink or drunk and I don't have alcohol in the house, so I'm shit out of luck....
The girl wants me to fold clothes with her. Says it will keep my hands busy and maybe my mind on something else, but all I want to do is crawl under my covers and sleep and not wake up till or if he does.
I want my dad. I want to be with my dad. I don't care what they say, I know he would know I was there, even in the coma. He would know. I could just kick myself for leaving. Why did I pick now to listen to that ornery stubborn man...
I guess I have to fold clothes since she just put them on my bed and is sitting here folding them... god I love this girl, she is so much stronger than her mother.
Please send prayers or whatever you it is you do, believe in... anything. He needs all the prayers and positive thoughts he can get.
Home...
After a long drive and umm.. heh being pulled over for speeding... 85 in a 55 work zone just my side of Laughlin, NV... I'm home...
When he pulled me over, I started crying and telling him about my father and I was sorry about speeding that I wasn't paying attention that I was talking about the surgery to my kids, anything I could think of and at the same time as he was at my window they called me to give me an update on Dad, I asked if I could answer it and I repeated everything outloud that was told to me... I got lucky.. couldn't find my insurance card, but he only gave me a ticket for no proof of insurance, a fix it ticket, thankfully! I really didn't realize I was going so fast and kept my eye on the speed from there on to home. I was very lucky and am thanking my lucky stars for not getting that speeding ticket which would have been a lot of money... a work zone, double fines 30 miles over the speed limit.. NOT GOOD!!
Dad went into surgery at 9:30am, Az time, 8:30 Vegas time. I was there at 5am hoping to get some alone time with him. Not really able to do that and then before surgery I did get about 5 minutes alone time, long enough to tell him I loved him. There are tons of people at the hospital now, waiting for him to get out. The last update I got was a few hours ago, letting me know that they repaired the leaking valve on the right side of his heart as well as the bypass on the same side and they began the LVAD at that time. I haven't heard anything since, but I'm pretty sure he will make it through, he was very determined, scared but determined...
I learned a lot about me this week, my parenting skills pretty much suck. My kids have both told me that they hate me and all I could say to that was that I loved them and they could hate me all they wanted, but my love would never end.
The stress was simply too much for all of us, without our own spaces to retreat to like we usually have. I love my kids, I would lay my life down for them.. but I won't be abused by them in anyway at all..
I've told them that it is time for me to have a life of my own. To date and be able to meet men without worrying about what they thought. I put aside my own needs for many years, after my youngest boys father and I split up, I was too gun shy to date and I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't bring men in and out of their lives, so for the first 10 years of the youngest boys life, I never went out, I never dated and ahem.. no sex for the most part... There were a few men in my life, but nothing serious and the kids never met them and I never spent the night away from them. I may have stayed out till 2 or 3 in the morning, but I was always here when they woke up... I'm here when they go to school and I'm home when they come home from school which I felt and still feel that is very important.. but it's also time for me to have a life.
I still don't think it's proper to bring men in and out of their lives, though I have made a couple of mistakes with that, like Joe. Even Minden Dude didn't come to the house, though he did meet the kids when they were little, though they don't remember. Because they have mentioned it, from now on the only man allowed in the house is Glen, my best friend and well.. friend with benefits best friend. The kids have known him for as long as I have 4 years and we really are just very close, but no relationship there for us... He doesn't want that type of relationship which is fine with me, I think we work well together as it is, he is the one I call when I am in trouble, when I am hurt, when I need something and when I just want to see how he is doing and he is ALWAYS there for me, no matter what. He takes care of my house when we are in Az, feeds my animals even cleans up a bit. He'll even have man talks with the boy should he not feel comfortable coming to me... The kids like him and they understand that we are simply best friends.
Minden dude is still around, well he is up north at home, but in contact with me everyday. I want to give this a chance to see where it will go, if it can go further this time. He's a good guy, though the passion wasn't really there this time I saw him.. I talked to Glen about it and he brought up a good point, that it was the first time we had been together in 12 years and maybe Minden dude was trying to find his way, like me. There must be something there... He's been looking for me off and on for 12 years and I have thought about him off and on for the same amount of time, though I never made an effort to actually search for him, he actively searched for me and finally found me. So, I don't know where it will go. Long distance relationships are very difficult. And I'm not particulary thrilled with the distance and the inability to spend time with each other to see if we fit. I think it's important for that in order for each of us to make a decision on if we want to be with each other or not... I suppose time will tell.
I also met someone a few weeks ago that I am very attracted to. I "think" he is attracted to me, but neither of us have made a move, other than to say that we'd like to make out.. heh I sound like a freaking teenager.. but I FEEL like one sometimes, instead of a 44 year old soon to be grandmother.
I feel like my life is just spinning right now. So much going on I'm not sure which way to turn. I think the most important thing for me right now is to focus on the lessons I learned this week about being a parent, about becoming a better parent than I have been. Though my daughter just came in and said that I can't now start parenting her at the age of 18, I beg to differ. I can still teach her things, things she needs to know to make it in life, to have a productive and good life. I can still guide her a bit, but the boy needs more than I have given him. He's more of a concern than the girl, I trust her to make good decisions and to come to me when she can't make a decision and needs help. The boy mentioned that I can't help him, that there are things that he can't come to me about because it's man things and that is when I told him that all he had to say is he needed a man to talk to and Glen would come and talk to him... but the boy mostly wants to be with his grandfather, wants to talk man things with him. For now, that's not possible.
I have more to write.. but I'm going to take a break for now and call down to Az, see if there is anymore news. I've thought a lot about this blog in the last few days and I want to share it here. I will later.. for now I need a break, I'm exhausted, worn out, stressed out and rambling quite a bit.. I guess now we know why I first called this blog, Ramblings of everything and nothing... Cause I'm a rambler... especially when I am tired. I need to go pay attention to my dogs, who've missed me and clean up the house a bit, since I left it in such disaray. I'm not a good house cleaner as it is, another thing I really need to work on...
Till later!
When he pulled me over, I started crying and telling him about my father and I was sorry about speeding that I wasn't paying attention that I was talking about the surgery to my kids, anything I could think of and at the same time as he was at my window they called me to give me an update on Dad, I asked if I could answer it and I repeated everything outloud that was told to me... I got lucky.. couldn't find my insurance card, but he only gave me a ticket for no proof of insurance, a fix it ticket, thankfully! I really didn't realize I was going so fast and kept my eye on the speed from there on to home. I was very lucky and am thanking my lucky stars for not getting that speeding ticket which would have been a lot of money... a work zone, double fines 30 miles over the speed limit.. NOT GOOD!!
Dad went into surgery at 9:30am, Az time, 8:30 Vegas time. I was there at 5am hoping to get some alone time with him. Not really able to do that and then before surgery I did get about 5 minutes alone time, long enough to tell him I loved him. There are tons of people at the hospital now, waiting for him to get out. The last update I got was a few hours ago, letting me know that they repaired the leaking valve on the right side of his heart as well as the bypass on the same side and they began the LVAD at that time. I haven't heard anything since, but I'm pretty sure he will make it through, he was very determined, scared but determined...
I learned a lot about me this week, my parenting skills pretty much suck. My kids have both told me that they hate me and all I could say to that was that I loved them and they could hate me all they wanted, but my love would never end.
The stress was simply too much for all of us, without our own spaces to retreat to like we usually have. I love my kids, I would lay my life down for them.. but I won't be abused by them in anyway at all..
I've told them that it is time for me to have a life of my own. To date and be able to meet men without worrying about what they thought. I put aside my own needs for many years, after my youngest boys father and I split up, I was too gun shy to date and I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't bring men in and out of their lives, so for the first 10 years of the youngest boys life, I never went out, I never dated and ahem.. no sex for the most part... There were a few men in my life, but nothing serious and the kids never met them and I never spent the night away from them. I may have stayed out till 2 or 3 in the morning, but I was always here when they woke up... I'm here when they go to school and I'm home when they come home from school which I felt and still feel that is very important.. but it's also time for me to have a life.
I still don't think it's proper to bring men in and out of their lives, though I have made a couple of mistakes with that, like Joe. Even Minden Dude didn't come to the house, though he did meet the kids when they were little, though they don't remember. Because they have mentioned it, from now on the only man allowed in the house is Glen, my best friend and well.. friend with benefits best friend. The kids have known him for as long as I have 4 years and we really are just very close, but no relationship there for us... He doesn't want that type of relationship which is fine with me, I think we work well together as it is, he is the one I call when I am in trouble, when I am hurt, when I need something and when I just want to see how he is doing and he is ALWAYS there for me, no matter what. He takes care of my house when we are in Az, feeds my animals even cleans up a bit. He'll even have man talks with the boy should he not feel comfortable coming to me... The kids like him and they understand that we are simply best friends.
Minden dude is still around, well he is up north at home, but in contact with me everyday. I want to give this a chance to see where it will go, if it can go further this time. He's a good guy, though the passion wasn't really there this time I saw him.. I talked to Glen about it and he brought up a good point, that it was the first time we had been together in 12 years and maybe Minden dude was trying to find his way, like me. There must be something there... He's been looking for me off and on for 12 years and I have thought about him off and on for the same amount of time, though I never made an effort to actually search for him, he actively searched for me and finally found me. So, I don't know where it will go. Long distance relationships are very difficult. And I'm not particulary thrilled with the distance and the inability to spend time with each other to see if we fit. I think it's important for that in order for each of us to make a decision on if we want to be with each other or not... I suppose time will tell.
I also met someone a few weeks ago that I am very attracted to. I "think" he is attracted to me, but neither of us have made a move, other than to say that we'd like to make out.. heh I sound like a freaking teenager.. but I FEEL like one sometimes, instead of a 44 year old soon to be grandmother.
I feel like my life is just spinning right now. So much going on I'm not sure which way to turn. I think the most important thing for me right now is to focus on the lessons I learned this week about being a parent, about becoming a better parent than I have been. Though my daughter just came in and said that I can't now start parenting her at the age of 18, I beg to differ. I can still teach her things, things she needs to know to make it in life, to have a productive and good life. I can still guide her a bit, but the boy needs more than I have given him. He's more of a concern than the girl, I trust her to make good decisions and to come to me when she can't make a decision and needs help. The boy mentioned that I can't help him, that there are things that he can't come to me about because it's man things and that is when I told him that all he had to say is he needed a man to talk to and Glen would come and talk to him... but the boy mostly wants to be with his grandfather, wants to talk man things with him. For now, that's not possible.
I have more to write.. but I'm going to take a break for now and call down to Az, see if there is anymore news. I've thought a lot about this blog in the last few days and I want to share it here. I will later.. for now I need a break, I'm exhausted, worn out, stressed out and rambling quite a bit.. I guess now we know why I first called this blog, Ramblings of everything and nothing... Cause I'm a rambler... especially when I am tired. I need to go pay attention to my dogs, who've missed me and clean up the house a bit, since I left it in such disaray. I'm not a good house cleaner as it is, another thing I really need to work on...
Till later!
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Surgery, Kids and me
They've bumped the surgery to tomorrow, Thursday. I am so freaking torn. My daughter hates me, my sons think I'm the worst mother...
There's been nothing but tension here. My daughter has deadlines for school on Friday that she didn't tell me until today. Now I must drive home, while my father is having life or death surgery....
I'm so stressed out that I've said some horrible things to my daughter, things that even an apology may never fix. The kids just don't get it. They've never had a father in their lives so they aren't able to understand how I feel.
I just feel like shit all the way around. I can't win with any choice I make and it sucks right now...
There's been nothing but tension here. My daughter has deadlines for school on Friday that she didn't tell me until today. Now I must drive home, while my father is having life or death surgery....
I'm so stressed out that I've said some horrible things to my daughter, things that even an apology may never fix. The kids just don't get it. They've never had a father in their lives so they aren't able to understand how I feel.
I just feel like shit all the way around. I can't win with any choice I make and it sucks right now...
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Leaving
I've decided to leave on Thurs morning. They don't need me here for the surgery, I can't stand being in this cramped room with my kids anymore and the girl has a commitment that she needs to fulfill Thursday evening.
The boy and I had a huge fight, the girl and I had a huge fight. For the first time in the boys life, at age 13, I smacked him. I never hit my kids, the stress is playing on all of us and none of us have our rooms to go hide in when the stress level gets to high...
For the last month, I haven't held down one meal I eat. I throw up after 3 bites. Usually when I am getting close to having my band tightened again (which is next Tuesday) I can eat without throwing up at all. Mostly, I just can't eat the first week, but it's been 3 weeks or so now since they tightened my band last and I'm not sure if it's the stress or the band. So I really have to get to the doctors about this.
I'm going to come down during the week in a few weeks by myself and help out as much as I can. I just can't justify right now spending more money that I don't have on a hotel and food, when my sister can be here and her fiance and keep me updated on the surgery. Plus, I can't take the kids and frankly they can't take me either, we really are cramped here and we are all use to our own space and we haven't any here.
I managed to go to IKEA and find the shelves that I want. I can't fit them in the jeep with the kids with me, so when I come by myself, I'll go and pick them up. It'll help organize my house better, a place where I can put my candle making stuff, rather than having them all spread around the dining room.
That's it.. Ive nothing else in me to write about. I just wish we could get along.
The boy and I had a huge fight, the girl and I had a huge fight. For the first time in the boys life, at age 13, I smacked him. I never hit my kids, the stress is playing on all of us and none of us have our rooms to go hide in when the stress level gets to high...
For the last month, I haven't held down one meal I eat. I throw up after 3 bites. Usually when I am getting close to having my band tightened again (which is next Tuesday) I can eat without throwing up at all. Mostly, I just can't eat the first week, but it's been 3 weeks or so now since they tightened my band last and I'm not sure if it's the stress or the band. So I really have to get to the doctors about this.
I'm going to come down during the week in a few weeks by myself and help out as much as I can. I just can't justify right now spending more money that I don't have on a hotel and food, when my sister can be here and her fiance and keep me updated on the surgery. Plus, I can't take the kids and frankly they can't take me either, we really are cramped here and we are all use to our own space and we haven't any here.
I managed to go to IKEA and find the shelves that I want. I can't fit them in the jeep with the kids with me, so when I come by myself, I'll go and pick them up. It'll help organize my house better, a place where I can put my candle making stuff, rather than having them all spread around the dining room.
That's it.. Ive nothing else in me to write about. I just wish we could get along.
To stay or not to stay
They are doing the surgery friday. They don't need me here for the surgery, they may need me here for after the surgery, to give my stepmother a break here and there...
The kids have missed a ton of school this year because of his illness.
I'm torn, not sure if I should go home tomorrow or Thursday so the kids can get back to school, and then I can come back down in a few weeks, by myself during the week.. or take my daughter home on Weds and come back down on Thursday.
My daughter never wants to be here and we've just had a fight where she walked out telling me FU four times. I told her she was grounded and she told me no she wasn't. She's 18, still lives with me so I think I have that power.
So, I'm torn. They don't need me here, one kid wants to go, one wants to stay and I can't really afford to stay here till Saturday.
Oh and his surgery.. is 8 to 14 hours long.
The kids have missed a ton of school this year because of his illness.
I'm torn, not sure if I should go home tomorrow or Thursday so the kids can get back to school, and then I can come back down in a few weeks, by myself during the week.. or take my daughter home on Weds and come back down on Thursday.
My daughter never wants to be here and we've just had a fight where she walked out telling me FU four times. I told her she was grounded and she told me no she wasn't. She's 18, still lives with me so I think I have that power.
So, I'm torn. They don't need me here, one kid wants to go, one wants to stay and I can't really afford to stay here till Saturday.
Oh and his surgery.. is 8 to 14 hours long.
Monday, February 23, 2009
The Angioplasty
He came out of the angioplasty fine, so far. Have not been to the hospital yet to see him...
Now we find out about the other surgery and when they can do it. I am hoping that they will do it tomorrow. Need to get it over with so that he can heal and come home and start living again. Surgeons have agreed to do the surgery, which I'm thinking is a good sign, but his kidneys and other organs are beginning to shut down, so they need to do something quickly, before it gets worse.
Prayers still needed. Not out of the woods yet.
Now we find out about the other surgery and when they can do it. I am hoping that they will do it tomorrow. Need to get it over with so that he can heal and come home and start living again. Surgeons have agreed to do the surgery, which I'm thinking is a good sign, but his kidneys and other organs are beginning to shut down, so they need to do something quickly, before it gets worse.
Prayers still needed. Not out of the woods yet.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Not Phx, but Scottsdale... and more....
We arrived safely in Scottsdale after an uneventful drive here, well, other than the hour backlog going over the Hoover Dam as usual... I am going to go through Laughlin on the way home I think. It adds 30 minutes to the drive, but really it takes 30 minutes or more off the drive, since Hoover Dam is always over an hour to go over, damn tourists and homeland security!!
We went straight to the hospital and spent a few hours there with Dad. He was in better spirits than he has been in the last few days, I found out why he was so upset, for some reason he thought the doctors doing the angioplasty tomorrow would come to him and tell him there was nothing they could do and send him home to die. He was convinced that would happen... today the doctors came in and assured him that that was not going to happen. That the angioplasty was routine, they just wanted to get a better look at the right side of his heart, make sure there weren't any surprises when they went in to put the LVAD wire in... they'll take note of anything that might need to be fixed, by doing the angioplasty and when they go in to do the LVAD, they'll fix what might need to be fixed. That lifted his spirits a lot, not to mention the drugs for pain that he is on!
My stepmother, as usual was difficult tonight. She actually hasn't been that difficult lately, but tonight she was and I wanted to bitch slap her (not the first time I've wanted to do that). I have to walk out of the room, cause her and I could really go at it and it would stress my father out tremendously, she won't act like an adult, so I must.. nothing new for me!
There's been conflicting information given, so I'm kind of playing it all by ear right now... Weds, I'm going to take my daughter to Tempe for an orientation for the Peace Corps. She was supposed to go Tuesday in Vegas and really was bummed that she wasn't going to be able to go, but we found out there's one on Weds in Tempe, so I'll take her there if she wants.
The boy has the a/c on here in the hotel room which has the room like an ice cube! He's trying to freeze us out for sure.
Dad was very happy to see the kids, so it's worth it coming here even though we probably will be hurting finacially for a few months trying to catch up, but in case he doesn't make it, it's important that the kids have this time with him. They are very close to him.
-------------------
Minden Dude called me around 9 to let me know that he was nearing home. I was worried as a storm was rolling in up there and I knew he would be driving in it. I really like him, however well.. to be graphic... the sex could be better, uhh.. much better. There wasn't really any passion and I need passion, kissing and all that.
He'll probably be back down in March, for the gun show in Vegas. He called me babe when he wanted me to come to him, he made sure when we were walking (when we went out) that my hand was tucked into his arm, so everyone knew I was with him. He wore his colors every where... (Ok, what are colors... He belongs to a Motorcycle Club, like let's say.. the Hell's Angels, though that's not the club he belongs too.. every motorcycle club has colors, their emblem. Both him and I have experience with the HA's (which I really shouldn't mention but I think I am safe on my own freaking blog) and his club is in both California and Nevada, but for now I'll keep the club name to myself, just in case since right now I'm so close to it) so, he wore his colors every where we went. Thus if anyone else was out and about, they would see me on his arm and think I belonged to him, which means that I am left alone.. but I don't belong to him, at least not now... oh well, not like we went to the places that I know others like him would be.. I kind of played stupid when he asked where we could find them... we did go to my regular friday night place to sing and he and his friend were quite surprised that I could sing!
I told him that I was average, but they both thought I was much more than average. He wants me to come up to Minden and sing with some of his brothers (brothers=motorcycle club guys)I guess one of them has a band or something and he says, "You'd put Doc to shame with your voice!" Problem is, I sing only country... well, some Elton John and if they don't know the music how can I sing?
He said he wasn't disappointed, that yes, I was a bit heavier since the last time he saw me (uhh...12 years ago!) but since I was working on it, he was fine with it. I think the last time I had my band tightened that she tightened it too tight. Everything I eat, I throw up. It was pretty embarassing last night when we were at dinner. I kept having to go to the bathroom. If I was skinny, you'd think I was anorexic and I think I've lost a lot more weight this month as the fat under my arms looks grosser than usual.. you know, the bat wings? I did go to the electronics store with him and his friend and while they were looking at computer stuff, I went to where the Wii stuff (of course) was and looked for another work out Wii game. I found one that I think will be perfect for me! If you watch "The Biggest Loser" then you'd be familiar with the female trainer, Jillian (I think that's how to spell her name) well, it just so happens that she has a Wii game out!! You use it with the Wii fit and there are 3 different things to do, one is weight loss workout, another is strength building and the third is cardio (I think) it's the weight loss workout that attracted me to it the most, plus I have seen from watching the show, what she has done for others, it's incredible!
I think I have an appt this week for my band, but I need to rescedule it of course. I was pretty anxious though to go, to see how much weight I have actually loss this month, I think it's going to be more than my usual 8-10 pounds, due to not being able to keep anything down. (well, I did eat some jelly beans the other day and didn't throw those up! Great, lots of calories!)But, they won't tighten it this next visit, since I'm having trouble keeping food down... Usually by the 3rd week of having it tightened, I eat more than I am supposed to, which I think is the reason I only average 8-10 pounds a month, though they tell me that I am right on target, that it is average and I am losing it like I should, slowly. We shall see next time I get weighed!
Ok, so I need to post about Monday Giveaway....
We went straight to the hospital and spent a few hours there with Dad. He was in better spirits than he has been in the last few days, I found out why he was so upset, for some reason he thought the doctors doing the angioplasty tomorrow would come to him and tell him there was nothing they could do and send him home to die. He was convinced that would happen... today the doctors came in and assured him that that was not going to happen. That the angioplasty was routine, they just wanted to get a better look at the right side of his heart, make sure there weren't any surprises when they went in to put the LVAD wire in... they'll take note of anything that might need to be fixed, by doing the angioplasty and when they go in to do the LVAD, they'll fix what might need to be fixed. That lifted his spirits a lot, not to mention the drugs for pain that he is on!
My stepmother, as usual was difficult tonight. She actually hasn't been that difficult lately, but tonight she was and I wanted to bitch slap her (not the first time I've wanted to do that). I have to walk out of the room, cause her and I could really go at it and it would stress my father out tremendously, she won't act like an adult, so I must.. nothing new for me!
There's been conflicting information given, so I'm kind of playing it all by ear right now... Weds, I'm going to take my daughter to Tempe for an orientation for the Peace Corps. She was supposed to go Tuesday in Vegas and really was bummed that she wasn't going to be able to go, but we found out there's one on Weds in Tempe, so I'll take her there if she wants.
The boy has the a/c on here in the hotel room which has the room like an ice cube! He's trying to freeze us out for sure.
Dad was very happy to see the kids, so it's worth it coming here even though we probably will be hurting finacially for a few months trying to catch up, but in case he doesn't make it, it's important that the kids have this time with him. They are very close to him.
-------------------
Minden Dude called me around 9 to let me know that he was nearing home. I was worried as a storm was rolling in up there and I knew he would be driving in it. I really like him, however well.. to be graphic... the sex could be better, uhh.. much better. There wasn't really any passion and I need passion, kissing and all that.
He'll probably be back down in March, for the gun show in Vegas. He called me babe when he wanted me to come to him, he made sure when we were walking (when we went out) that my hand was tucked into his arm, so everyone knew I was with him. He wore his colors every where... (Ok, what are colors... He belongs to a Motorcycle Club, like let's say.. the Hell's Angels, though that's not the club he belongs too.. every motorcycle club has colors, their emblem. Both him and I have experience with the HA's (which I really shouldn't mention but I think I am safe on my own freaking blog) and his club is in both California and Nevada, but for now I'll keep the club name to myself, just in case since right now I'm so close to it) so, he wore his colors every where we went. Thus if anyone else was out and about, they would see me on his arm and think I belonged to him, which means that I am left alone.. but I don't belong to him, at least not now... oh well, not like we went to the places that I know others like him would be.. I kind of played stupid when he asked where we could find them... we did go to my regular friday night place to sing and he and his friend were quite surprised that I could sing!
I told him that I was average, but they both thought I was much more than average. He wants me to come up to Minden and sing with some of his brothers (brothers=motorcycle club guys)I guess one of them has a band or something and he says, "You'd put Doc to shame with your voice!" Problem is, I sing only country... well, some Elton John and if they don't know the music how can I sing?
He said he wasn't disappointed, that yes, I was a bit heavier since the last time he saw me (uhh...12 years ago!) but since I was working on it, he was fine with it. I think the last time I had my band tightened that she tightened it too tight. Everything I eat, I throw up. It was pretty embarassing last night when we were at dinner. I kept having to go to the bathroom. If I was skinny, you'd think I was anorexic and I think I've lost a lot more weight this month as the fat under my arms looks grosser than usual.. you know, the bat wings? I did go to the electronics store with him and his friend and while they were looking at computer stuff, I went to where the Wii stuff (of course) was and looked for another work out Wii game. I found one that I think will be perfect for me! If you watch "The Biggest Loser" then you'd be familiar with the female trainer, Jillian (I think that's how to spell her name) well, it just so happens that she has a Wii game out!! You use it with the Wii fit and there are 3 different things to do, one is weight loss workout, another is strength building and the third is cardio (I think) it's the weight loss workout that attracted me to it the most, plus I have seen from watching the show, what she has done for others, it's incredible!
I think I have an appt this week for my band, but I need to rescedule it of course. I was pretty anxious though to go, to see how much weight I have actually loss this month, I think it's going to be more than my usual 8-10 pounds, due to not being able to keep anything down. (well, I did eat some jelly beans the other day and didn't throw those up! Great, lots of calories!)But, they won't tighten it this next visit, since I'm having trouble keeping food down... Usually by the 3rd week of having it tightened, I eat more than I am supposed to, which I think is the reason I only average 8-10 pounds a month, though they tell me that I am right on target, that it is average and I am losing it like I should, slowly. We shall see next time I get weighed!
Ok, so I need to post about Monday Giveaway....
Friday, February 20, 2009
Dad
Well, it's come down to it now...
He is too weak for a heart transplant, they will not put him back on the list.
The left side of his heart, is gone. They are doing tests on him Monday, to see how bad the right side is...
He has 2 choices.
Come home to Vegas and die within the next few weeks.
Or, if the right side of his heart isn't as bad as they think, have the LVAC (LVAD) wire put into it, with the hopes of giving him another 5 years or so... however, the chances he would make it off the table during the surgery is 50/50.
Those are his choices.
This is not a good time for the Minden dude to be coming down and I have no way of reaching him. I need to go to Phx. I may have to wait till Monday morning though, cause I also have to pay my electricity bill or we won't have any when we get back. I am torn. He talked about going to Phx tomorrow, to the gun show, so I would get to see my dad too, but dad wants to see the kids. I don't mind going there without them tomorrow and then going again on Monday, though I can't really afford it, I'll do it..
Please say a prayer, light a candle, whatever it is you do, please do for my father.
He is too weak for a heart transplant, they will not put him back on the list.
The left side of his heart, is gone. They are doing tests on him Monday, to see how bad the right side is...
He has 2 choices.
Come home to Vegas and die within the next few weeks.
Or, if the right side of his heart isn't as bad as they think, have the LVAC (LVAD) wire put into it, with the hopes of giving him another 5 years or so... however, the chances he would make it off the table during the surgery is 50/50.
Those are his choices.
This is not a good time for the Minden dude to be coming down and I have no way of reaching him. I need to go to Phx. I may have to wait till Monday morning though, cause I also have to pay my electricity bill or we won't have any when we get back. I am torn. He talked about going to Phx tomorrow, to the gun show, so I would get to see my dad too, but dad wants to see the kids. I don't mind going there without them tomorrow and then going again on Monday, though I can't really afford it, I'll do it..
Please say a prayer, light a candle, whatever it is you do, please do for my father.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Dad
My sister just called hysterical, she's a bit dramatic, though I can't really blame her at this time...
My father will be having surgery next week, she doesn't know which day. They will be implanting the LVAC. I've googled it a few times and there really is nothing on the web about it, just a few snippets here and there..
Basically, they call this a bridge to transplant. It does for the heart, what the heart can no longer do for itself, pumps blood and makes your heart work, keeping you alive, while waiting for a transplant. I can't find the statistics regarding the actual surgery, though I suspect it is like any open heart procedure, 50/50 chance of getting off the table. However, because he is so sick, his chances may be slimmer. Life expentancy with an LVAC (or as the web calls it, LVAD) is 5 years. I think I've blogged about this already, but now it's a definite, with a date set and everything.
I may go down next week, the day before the surgery if I can get a date of when it is. The kids don't like to go down there, but they will to see their grandfather. They'll have to miss school, but my father is worth it and if I have enough time notice, I can get their school work for the days we would be gone. It's just that it is so expensive for me to go there, have to eat out, pay for gas and hotel.. but Dad is worth it. I sent a message to Minden dude, asking him if he would consider going there this weekend, on saturday. I'm sure he'll think about it and he may say yes. If it's a no, then I'll just go the day before Dad's surgery. I know that if I don't see him before the surgery and he doesn't make it off the table, I will regret it.
But, I have a good feeling. While this is major surgery and the risks are high, I have a good feeling in my gut, that he will make it through the surgery and as I told my sister, in a month he will be back to his old self yelling at us as normal. I got her calmed down finally.
It's not in my hands, I am completely powerless over this and know all I can do is keep praying for him, so if you are so inclined to, please send prayers his way, light a candle, think positive thoughts.. his name is Frank. Whatever it is that you do to send good thoughts and all that jazz, please do so. Thank you.
My father will be having surgery next week, she doesn't know which day. They will be implanting the LVAC. I've googled it a few times and there really is nothing on the web about it, just a few snippets here and there..
Basically, they call this a bridge to transplant. It does for the heart, what the heart can no longer do for itself, pumps blood and makes your heart work, keeping you alive, while waiting for a transplant. I can't find the statistics regarding the actual surgery, though I suspect it is like any open heart procedure, 50/50 chance of getting off the table. However, because he is so sick, his chances may be slimmer. Life expentancy with an LVAC (or as the web calls it, LVAD) is 5 years. I think I've blogged about this already, but now it's a definite, with a date set and everything.
I may go down next week, the day before the surgery if I can get a date of when it is. The kids don't like to go down there, but they will to see their grandfather. They'll have to miss school, but my father is worth it and if I have enough time notice, I can get their school work for the days we would be gone. It's just that it is so expensive for me to go there, have to eat out, pay for gas and hotel.. but Dad is worth it. I sent a message to Minden dude, asking him if he would consider going there this weekend, on saturday. I'm sure he'll think about it and he may say yes. If it's a no, then I'll just go the day before Dad's surgery. I know that if I don't see him before the surgery and he doesn't make it off the table, I will regret it.
But, I have a good feeling. While this is major surgery and the risks are high, I have a good feeling in my gut, that he will make it through the surgery and as I told my sister, in a month he will be back to his old self yelling at us as normal. I got her calmed down finally.
It's not in my hands, I am completely powerless over this and know all I can do is keep praying for him, so if you are so inclined to, please send prayers his way, light a candle, think positive thoughts.. his name is Frank. Whatever it is that you do to send good thoughts and all that jazz, please do so. Thank you.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Dad
All the prayers, positive thoughts, candles lit and everything else has been a blessing. His fever is gone and the staff infection is nearly healed. Yay!!
Not sure how long he will be in the hospital. He's very depressed because of it, but I think he understands that he must be there to get better, to build muscle mass and gain some weight so that he can be put back on the transplant list.
They feel right now because he is so weak, that he wouldn't make it off the table should he have open heart surgery.
Right now, I do plan on visiting him the weekend of the 21st, hopefully those plans won't fall through. If they do, then I will get there as soon as I can. As selfish as I am, I realize that even though I don't want to see him as sick as he is, I may come to regret not going and seeing him as often as I possibly can.
Thank you again for all the blessings sent in all different ways. I appreciate them very very much.
Not sure how long he will be in the hospital. He's very depressed because of it, but I think he understands that he must be there to get better, to build muscle mass and gain some weight so that he can be put back on the transplant list.
They feel right now because he is so weak, that he wouldn't make it off the table should he have open heart surgery.
Right now, I do plan on visiting him the weekend of the 21st, hopefully those plans won't fall through. If they do, then I will get there as soon as I can. As selfish as I am, I realize that even though I don't want to see him as sick as he is, I may come to regret not going and seeing him as often as I possibly can.
Thank you again for all the blessings sent in all different ways. I appreciate them very very much.
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