R.I.P

Ted and Eunice Kennedy..

They will be missed.

I have some painful things to share with you, however above that pain I am in tremendous anger, thus it is not the time to share this.

I will.

I promise.

Blizzard...

My cat Blizzard died. A few months ago. He was a special cat. Just 2 years old actually. When he was born, he was white with back legs that were deformed, they were like rabbits not like cats. I didn't think anyone would want him, so I kept him for myself. He loved only me. He hated anyone that came in my room or sat on my bed or the few times when men stayed over, he would be very angry! He would not speak to me for days, speaking I mean coming up to me and rubbing his face in my face.

I could make kissy noises with my mouth and he would come to me, rub his head on my face and loved kisses. Blizzard saved my life I believe a few times. When I was heavier, I would stop breathing at night and Blizzard always woke me up, scratching my face. I would wake up coughing and spitting from not being able to breathe, always with Blizzard right at my face, paws on it, meowing.

I came home one morning from an all nighter and my son had been awake all night waiting for me to get home. I missed Blizzard by an hour. He died in my sons arms. His legs had become normal as he grew, but my son said that night his legs went back the way they were when he was born, deformed. He couldn't walk and he couldn't move. I still do not know what happened to him and I miss him still very much.

My girl cat was pregnant, with Blizzards babies, when Blizzard died. I have 4 white kittens, 2 all white and 2 that look similar to Blizzard, kind of Siamese looking. None with his personality, but I'm hard pressed to give them all away. I can't keep them all, but I would love to. They aren't very friendly truth be told, but I may keep one of them, if we can figure out which one is a boy.

Just catching a bit up in the fast lane.

I'm not a mommy blogger

Which makes it all the more odd, my reaction to the loss of a little girl. Perhaps it's because I'm a mommy that I've had this reaction. Sure I talk about my kids here, but mostly? I talk about me. I'm narcissitic like that.

But I've been overwhelmed today with the death of this little girl Remembering Maddie to the point that I have sucked all the knowledge of her and her parents from the internet all day long.

We all know my sleeping patterns which suck and of course I was awake all night and have been again for most of the day, yet I couldn't pry myself away from the computer long enough to DO anything, like clean my house today. I took a short nap, only to wake up obsessed with finding out more about the little girl who's touched the world.

Send her mommy and daddy prayers, would'cha please?

They need it.

Peace.

I'd never heard of her

I'd never met her, in fact, I've never even read her mothers blog (I would link it here, but there's been so much traffic to it today that the server couldn't handle it and thus it is not working)

I didn't know she was sick. Not until this morning when it hit the blogworld like a firecracker attached to gasoline on a dry and dusty mountain, it spread like wildfire.

That doesn't mean my heart doesn't go out to little Maddies mother and father. I'm human and how could I NOT hurt at the mention of the death of a little girl, not even yet 2.

How could I NOT look at my 18 year old daughter a little longer today as I spoke to her in her doorway. How could I NOT want to call my son and ask him to come home, just so I could hug him...

I've been blessed in my life with healthy babies that turned into healthy children and are on their journeys to being healthy adults (fingers crossed). We've never even had a major thing happen to us, a few stitches here and there for the boy, a broken foot for me at the age of 40 (my first bone ever broke!) homeless a couple of times, starting over more than once, but still,how can I hurt for the loss of this little girl?

I hurt for her mother, who will never be able to take her shopping for a prom dress, or her father who will never get to worry about her dating, while bringing out the shotgun so her dates can see. Her grandparents who will never have the opportunity to spoil her and for the world who will never be graced again with her infectious smile.

Rest well now little Maddie. You've touched the world and I have a feeling you will continue to touch the world for a long time coming.

I will post the link to her mother and fathers site when it is up and running again, in the meantime, you can read more about Maddie here Headless Family. You can also donate to the March of Dimes in her name on the widget there at this site. The family has asked in lieu of flowers, donations be sent to March of Dimes.

Thank you

Thank you, thank you, thank you... to all of you for your comments, for your love, cyber hugs and support. Thank you.

I am currently waiting for the phone call. He was scheduled today as a "to follow" which means that after the surgeries were done today, he would follow. They thought about 4pm, which means if he went in around then it's been about 2 hours. IF the heart starts on it's own, then it will take longer than if it doesn't... I've also learned that if the heart starts beating on it's own, he will still be in the trauma room, chest opened up, for about a week in order to clean up any bleeding that may happen.

I've not quite reach the point of acceptance. My head intellectually knows and accept that these next few weeks or sooner, could be my fathers last on the earth. And if it is, I know that my grandmother and grandfather, his mom and dad, will be there to greet him and be with him. However, my heart won't follow my mind. It refuses to accept it. This for my own heart hurt. I know there are other ways for our hearts to feel like they hurt, but for me it's rare that I can feel heart hurt, probably because I never let anyone close to me.. face it, I'm damaged goods and until my own heart heals, becomes one with my mind, I won't let anyone in and I won't be able to accept my fathers mortality... the chance that he will never wake up again from that table. He wouldn't want me to neglect my life or the kids, but how can I really move on in my life when first all I really think about is him and second, having gotten closer to him these last months a father daughter relationship that is pretty much where I have always wanted it to be, how can I let go of that just yet?

This will be the hardest decision my stepmother will have to make in her entire life. I don't envy her, I don't like her either, but I do feel for her. How can you decide to pull the plug on the man you have been married to for over 30 years and love and then watch as he draws his last breath. I don't know that I could do it, regardless if it was his choice or not. I know the doctors are keeping him alive right now with the machines. I also know he is in no pain and I found out today they are giving him some medication that has an amnesiac in it, so when/if he comes out of this, he won't even remember any of this, the length of time, people visiting him, the excruciating pain, nothing. If he comes out if it, he'll have missed a few weeks in his life that will be blank, but he will also have the chance to live longer... so that should cancel out the missed time he'll have.

I don't know, I still feel like I am babbling and not making sense, hopefully you'll get what I am saying...

And again, thank you all, for your support.

5:30 am

Sleep eludes me. It comes in spurts of about 15 minutes. I hear his voice, much like he spoke to me as a child. I feel his presence while I sleep, yet when awake he is no where to be found.

I cry as quietly as I can. My eyes are swollen and red. For the kids, I need to remain strong, yet it has become difficult to even get up and use the bathroom. I have no strength left in me, physically, emotionally, mentally. Where do I find this strength from, for them, so they do not fall apart.. I haven't a clue.

I'm disappointed in myself, for not being stronger for my sister, my kids. I don't break down around them. They see a strong tough independent woman, not a woman who has no self control over herself. I feel darkness everywhere I look and go. The heart hurt is nearly unbearable. There is no joy, no happiness, no laughter in my home. Only pain, heart hurt, feelings hurt, confusion and much wishing things were different.

The boy handled the news far better than the girl and I, though he is having trouble with it, he held up when faced with the news, wanting to skip school again today and drive back down to Az. This simply isn't a choice, though if I had the money, I probably would go back, but I spent my bill money and have just enough to get some groceries to last us till I get paid again on the 3rd. Even the new life we have in the house, 4 little kittens do nothing to bring a smile to my face.

My entire being feels as if the life force has been completely sucked out of me. I think about when we buried my gram and don't believe I have it in me to bury my father should it come to that.

I think about how I wasn't much of a daughter, not a good one at least. I was willfull and headstrong, doing it all my way. Having being kicked out of my mothers home at 13, unable to stand living with my father because of his wife, I lived on the streets until nearly 15 when my beloved gram talked me into going to boarding school, in the same town as my father lays in a coma now. I think about the years I refused to speak to him, simply because he was being a father and I didn't "need" a father by then, having already grown up and been on my own for so long.

I think about when my oldest boy was 8 months old and my father at 40 had his first bypass surgery. How everyone went across the street to a resturant and got drunk, but I came from Northern California with my little boy and instead went to my mothers home, who is a nurse and learned about the procedure from her. Only to get blamed for not being a good daughter because I didn't want to get drunk with the rest of them. Something not above my stepmother for saying. I imagine she is thinking/saying that now as well, though I don't care that much this time, what she thinks.

I remember when my girl was born. How he came from where he lived in Tucson, to So. California to meet his new grandchild, his second one and how proud he was of his first and only girl grandchild. The apple of his eye. And how he came the moment the boy was born, smiling proudly like a grandfather would and talking baseball even when the boy was only 2 hours old. He never had much time with my oldest boy, who lived in California with his father, so the boy was basically the only boy he ever had and he looked forward to coaching him in baseball and just having another male around, since there were only girls around him. Me, my sister, my daughter, him. Bringing the boy into his life, made him very happy.

I still wasn't a good daughter. I gave him the kids, the only good thing I ever did for him. His love for my children is fierce, unbreakable, unlike any love he feels for the rest of us. They are his reason that he wanted to continue living and for the new baby coming at the end of the year, his first great grandchild. I hope that his mind remembers this, while he lays in a coma, his chest open, machines all around him giving him life, keeping him alive.

I've always said I have no regrets for the way I lived my life. Yes, I did it my way, though at various times, I had no choice. But as I sit here this morning, I find myself with many regrets, the biggest one...not being the daughter that I could have been. I wish I could teach this to my own children. Sadly, they will have to learn this lesson on their own, it is nothing I can teach them. I can only tell them of my experience, but as much as they like to say they are not like me in any way, they are very much like me. Wanting to do it, their way, without thought of others around them.

Perhaps there is truth in those words many hear as children, something to the effect of a threat I suppose, not one I ever heard, but one I've heard others say. How they will get what they gave when they were children... apparently that is what I am living right now with them.

My mind is racing. The heart hurt continues. I beg my grandmother and my grandfather to not take their oldest child, not yet please. Not sure what if that helps or not, I simply cannot think of anything else to do.

He is here with me, I can feel him, I can hear him. I think I have reached that edge of insanity, that this was the push needed to send me over the edge. The tunnel is black, there is at this moment, no light at the end of it. I can't turn around, there is no light on the other side either. Which way do I go? I can't go backwards, yet going forward scares me beyond words. I know I must walk through this, the best I can, yet my best doesn't feel good enough. These are feelings I've had my entire life and I had thought I no longer held these feelings of worthlessness, of not being good enough, but as my fathers mortality stares me in the face, I realize I still carry these feelings of self loathing, that I'm not and never was good enough and perhaps, I will never be good enough.

Regardless of what happens in the next week or so, nothing will ever be the same. My realtionship with my children will be changed forever, my relationship with my family will be changed forever and I'm not so sure these are good things. I will be belittled by my fathers wife, for not staying during his surgery, even knowing that he asked me to bring the kids home. I will not win in any of this, even if he pulls through and I will once again be "that" daughter, the one who does as she pleases. Rationality does not come easily if at all, to this family. I have been the rational one all my life, yet I seem to have lost that somewhere in the last 24 hours. I seem to have lost much in the last 24 hours. And should he pull through? He will follow his wives lead and I will again be the daughter who does nothing right, no matter that he told me what to do and I did it, he will not remember that, as he was on painkillers, something he never takes but has been while in the hospital and it has clouded his thinking even when not on them. This I know to be true, as my stepmother told him I had said something the other day, something I never said nor would I and he came down on me for it, no amount of denying it helped, as always. She holds a power over him that is unexplainable.. he has always allowed her to treat me like shit and in turn, he did the same. It wasn't until he got sick this time, that we got closer, our relationship seemed to be that of a father and daughter, instead of conflicts and arguing about trival things all the time...

I'm just so drained, so lonely, so alone and so lost.

What do I call this?

The surgeons came out and spoke to my family. My father is in a coma. The right side of his heart wouldn't start and they couldn't place the LVAD in him. They left his chest open, to watch the bleeding and in the hopes that the right side starts working again, if it does, then he has another surgery and they will place the LVAD, but he really isn't strong enough for another surgery, so I don't know where that leaves us.

I'm all alone here in Vegas. I knew I should have stayed, but that would have gone against his wishes.. though it's not like I've ever listened to him before, not since I was 14, he even said so when we had our private talk. NOW I pick the time to listen to him. What an idiot I am.

My daughter thinks I hate her and no amount of me telling her that I don't, that I love her more than she could know is helping her to feel better. I don't have the strength for this, she thinks I blame her and I don't. I can't get her to believe me, even though I've held her, told her I don't blame her, I don't hate her that she is my only baby girl and I love her with all my heart. That I did what her Papa asked me to do. To take care of them. That is what he would want.

I feel so fucking helpless up here, all alone, scared and dammit I could use a real stiff drink right now, but my kids have never seen me drink or drunk and I don't have alcohol in the house, so I'm shit out of luck....

The girl wants me to fold clothes with her. Says it will keep my hands busy and maybe my mind on something else, but all I want to do is crawl under my covers and sleep and not wake up till or if he does.

I want my dad. I want to be with my dad. I don't care what they say, I know he would know I was there, even in the coma. He would know. I could just kick myself for leaving. Why did I pick now to listen to that ornery stubborn man...

I guess I have to fold clothes since she just put them on my bed and is sitting here folding them... god I love this girl, she is so much stronger than her mother.

Please send prayers or whatever you it is you do, believe in... anything. He needs all the prayers and positive thoughts he can get.

Tragic, yet....

Just now a tour bus had a major accident, mile marker 28 on the Az side of Hoover Dam. As I write this, 5 confirmed dead. They are flying many criticals to UMC in Las Vegas and some to Az.

Yes, it's tragic and I feel for the families of those that have lost their lives...

But could this be it? Could he get a heart from one of those who have lost their lives?

Is it???

Prayers please. Universe, please make this the time he gets his heart, please.

LVAC

Dad goes into the hospital again, to have an LVAC placed in him. I've been goggling LVAC but can't find what I am looking for so basically this is what I was told..

It makes his heart work.

Problem.

He goes off of UNOS until he heals and I just KNOW that a heart will come available for him during this healing process.

There's no options. Either the LVAC or death. Seems like a pretty clear cut choice to me. Also, with the LVAC he can come home for a day or two once in a while (home here in Vegas, not in Phx)and if he is still on the LVAC in June, he may be able to attend the girls graduation...

If anyone has any information on the LVAC, please let me know.