First, I have to preface this with, not EVERYONE who is Christian are hypocrites or liars. I believe the majority are good people, however if my memory serves me right, liars are unacceptable in any religion and the biggest liars I have met in my life, also claim to be Christians. This is only my experience and it isn't to say that every one I have met that is Christian is also a hypocrite, but beginning with my ex mother in law, it all went downhill from there.
So, the man wants to concentrate on his religious studies. That's wonderful. I am fine with that, supportive in fact. I've even been going to church with him a few times and it's very nice, though I'm really not one for organized religion, so I don't know if I will continue to go. I did like it, I did learn quite a bit, I began to understand some things that had never made sense to me before. I'm just not sure that my spiritual being, my spiritual beliefs, my non religious beliefs, will allow me to continue. So far, I've been doing my very best to keep an open heart and mind to his religion, for me, not for him, although his passion about it when we first met is what attracted me to him and what helped me to decide to go with him to church, to see what it was about, to see if the passion would overflow to my own spirit.
Now, here's the deal and why I am conflicted. We can't be together because, says he, his religion does not allow it. He's not single, technically he is, but legally he isn't since he hasn't gotten a divorce, thus that makes him not single in the eyes of his church. Ok. I'm down with that, in fact I was a few weeks ago willing to wait till he did get divorced, wait for him... how dumb is that. He's been separated 4 years and thus far neither have filed for divorce, though neither wish to be with the other. He claimed to care about me, but he needed for himself to devote more of himself to his religion. Ok. I'm down with that.
Now, most of you have heard of myspace, I'm sure. Well, when we met we went on the computer and looked at each others myspace pages, adding each other to our friends list and even leaving some cute comments.
After that talk that we had that one night, about him not being really single and not being able to date me because of that. I came home, sad, crying and cursing all at the same time. When I got home I went straight to the computer and to his myspace, I wanted to look at him, to see his pictures again, I have no idea why, I just wanted to, it's really as simple as that, I wanted to see him, just look, you know?
Well, when I went to click on pictures it says only friends can view. I was shocked. I WAS on his friends list, so I should have been able to look at the pictures.
I was able to send him a message on myspace and I asked, why did you remove me from your friends list. His response to me was that he wasn't doing the myspace thing anymore, that it was now only for his kids. So of course I believed him, why shouldn't I? I thought he had never lied to me, so I had no reason to not believe him.. and then I remembered something he had told me a few days prior to that, that his phone didn't have a camera on it.. having never really LOOKED at his phone, again I had no reason not to believe what he was telling me. Still, I just sat on it, did nor say anything.
That following Sunday I went to church with him and the next night, Monday, I went Bible study with him and afterwards, I noticed him taking pictures of others with his phone. I watched in disbelief as his words came back to me, when I had asked if he had taken pictures at a picnic he'd gone to recently and that is when he told me that his phone didn't have a camera, the words flooded into my brain, getting stuck for a moment while I tried to process it. Did I hear him wrong? Did he NOT tell me that there was no camera on his phone or did I misunderstand him... I stood there for about 5 minutes quietly as my brain went through the talk and I realized that no, I had not misunderstood him, he had definitely told me, he had no camera on the phone. I knew then that he had lied and my gut told me that he had lied about other things too, but what? And that's when the myspace thing came to mind.
I left the bible study, quietly, without saying goodbye, got home and immediately went to myspace and searched for his page, from there I went and looked at his comments(shut up, I'm not a stalker, really, even though I had to do a search to find the page, since I'm not on his friends list anymore... I was simply looking for some truths, he had also hidden his myspace friends list, so I had to get creative) I hit the pictures of not one girl, but 4 girls from his comments(some live in town, some live in other states, oh and this is where I tell you that I didn't care that he had friends that were girls, I'm not one to get jealous so it really didn't matter to me) I took a look at all of their friends list and ALL of them still had him on their friends page. At that point is when I became livid and ALMOST called him, but instead went and did some meditation to calm myself down. I really didn't want to have an angry confrontation, or honestly at that moment, I didn't want to have ANY confrontation, to pissed off and to sad, plus I didn't want him to know how I found out and had he asked, I would have had to tell the truth, which would really have made me look like a stalker. So today, after thinking about it more, I went back to his site (I didn't go to church there today, wasn't feeling well and still didn't have that control over myself that I needed to not approach him in an angry way)and noticed that there was a new comment..(ok maybe I'm a tiny bit of a stalker, but not with every man I meet, usually they freaking stalk me, seriously,really seriously, not that I'm special, I'm just rather aloof and stand offish, because of my fear of meeting someone that will hurt me and for some reason, aloof and standoffish women apparently are turn ons for men, I suspect it's the chase..I wish they'd just chase their freaking tails and leave me alone...and now I've become even more standoffish, since the man and all this happened.)
Anyways, the new comment was left yesterday by one of the girls that has him on her friends list (a happy valentines day comment *gag*)Now, I finally feel like I can confront him without looking like much of a stalker. Not sure how I will explain my looking at his page,I don't want to lie to him about it, so perhaps just telling him I wanted to see his pictures because I missed him would suffice, it's not a lie, I was missing him and I did want to see his picture, but I also wanted to see if someone had left any comments, because I knew that was really the only way I could finally let him know that I knew the truth.
This is where my thoughts of Christian hypocrites comes in. Integrity and honesty *should* be number one priorities. If he didn't want to be my friend then he should have just said so, I'm not prone to hysterics just because a man doesn't want to be with me, I might cry (not in front of him though)but by now, I'd be so over it and not looking at his myspace page anymore.
I had already gotten over thinking that him and I could be with each other, date each other and had finally decided I'd rather have him in my life as a friend, then not have him in my life at all. Decision made before the lies caught up to me, as I said, new decisions need to be made contingent on what he tells me when I hit him with my best shot of, WHY?
Yet, here's another problem that I'm having trouble with. He texts me every day, asking how my day was or how I am. One morning I woke up and there was a text from him that simply said, Good Morning.
I haven't ignored the texts, but I haven't jumped at a returning message either. A few hours here or there I wait and then I respond and my texts are rather cold and curt. Short really, not asking questions just answering with Thank you my day was fine, or Good morning to you too. No "have a nice day" from me or "how are you" or "can I see you" nothing. I won't chase a man ever. Though I feel like because I'm trying to keep a distance, be "friends"like he wanted or suggested, HE is not liking it much and is making sure that I don't forget him or something.
To his credit, or maybe it was just a lie, he did say in our talk that he wanted to be with me, he cared for me, his desire for me was very strong, but that he needed to concentrate on his church, he needed to put Jehovha before anyone or anything, first, (not to mention he needed to get a divorce) and being with me he wasn't able to put Jehovha first. I don't know why, unless it's because we were having premarital sex and he is still married. I would never have stopped him from going to church, worshipping who he wished to worship. I'm just not like that.
Prior to my beginning to write this, I sent him a text and said we needed to talk, that perhaps after bible study tomorrow night if we can have some privacy. I don't want to confront him with others around, I don't want them to know that him and I had been together, not for me, but for him. Things would not be good for him at his church if they found out that we had been intimately together, since they totally shun that. That's not what I want and I would never tell anyone there about our fling. Once again, I'm just not that type of a person, I don't tell, it's his place to say something since he is the one to belong to the church and if he doesn't want to tell them, that is his decision, not mine. As I wrote this, I thought, but what sweet revenge that would be. It would cause him a lot of trouble with the church, until he could prove that he was back on the right track and sure, some say revenge is good, but revenge isn't mine. If I remember correctly the bible says that revenge is Gods (that is not verbatim)and honestly, this isn't about getting revenge, it's about getting to the truth and why he lied to me in the first place. Between him and I, having nothing really to do with the church, unless he decides it does. (yes, I am saying the same things, I'm just trying real hard to get my thoughts in place and to be understood - no misunderstandings at all)
All I want? The truth and why he felt the need to lie to me. What did he think I was going to do, contact his other friends on his myspace page and tell them about us? Hell, the man asked me if I wanted him to change his phone number, because his ex girlfriend kept calling and I told him it bothered me...my answer was no, that it wasn't fair to him for me to say yes, though I did ask him to ask her not to call anymore, which he said he'd done a ton of times, even before me, but it was worse now because he had told her about me. Still, I wouldn't allow him to change his number on my account, if he felt he needed to change it, than by all means, do, but don't do it for me. That right there should have proved to him that I'm not like so many other women. I wasn't jealous, I was uncomfortable, for him and I. The only reason she kept calling was because she wanted money and other things from him and that week we were together, she was upset because he had met someone else. He knew that and so did I, nothing to be jealous about, just uncomfortable.
So, it begs the question, why would he think whatever he was thinking, that I might do something if he left me on his myspace page as a friend. I never gave him a reason to believe that I am nothing but honorable and trustworthy, which I do believe I am. I do my best to be honest with everyone, sometimes I have to leave things out so that others aren't hurt by whatever it is, not sure that that could be called a lie, though you can lie by omission. Usually, what I leave out is how I might feel about someone, to be more clear.. about how I don't LIKE them. I'm not mean to those I don't like, I just don't think it's proper to tell people, "I don't like you" unless I am pushed to the edge. It really isn't difficult to tell if I like you or not, I do not have a poker face and I am short and curt to those I don't like.. I don't do small talk with anyone, as I've shared before, though blogging has begun to teach me how... but if someone I don't like tries to talk to me, more often than not I look away while they are talking to me and maybe nod my head here and there, but it's very obvious I don't like that person. I suppose I should simply say, go away I don't like you, but I am trying to be a kinder and gentler me (I am working hard on that part of me and I think it's beginning to take, we shall see though soon).
And I can keep a secret, something I've always been able to do, since I'm not one that is a gossiper (though you couldn't tell by this post)But, I don't tell other peoples secrets. If they confide in me, it means they trust me and like I said, I am trustworthy, and I believe that it is an important character trait, one I want to hold on to, thus I don't give up other peoples secrets or gossip.(when others try to gossip with me, I usually tell them I don't gossip and I don't want to hear any, it works to shut them up 99% of the time, that 1% that acts like they didn't hear me, I just turn around and walk away.) I don't enjoy gossiping, I don't feel good about it, nor would I feel good about sharing someone else's secrets. It's simply not my place to do so. And yes, I have been on the receiving end of dishonest and disloyal people many times, I know how it feels, which is one of the reasons I don't do it. Yet most of all, I want people to know that I am honorable and trustworthy, that I won't be telling others their private things that they have confided only in me, that's very important to me, thus my never saying anything about the man and me to anyone in his congregation, ever, not even in anger.
*phone is ringing* It was him, wow, that was fast after my text.. He knows that I don't like to talk on the phone, especially when I need to talk about something important. So not sure why he called me right away. Plus he has his kids with him and was getting ready to feed them so he couldn't talk anyhow. Though he said he would call me back after he fed the kids. I really want to talk to him in person. I want to see his facial expressions and feel the energy when I confront him. My intentions are to be kind and calm when doing this confrontation. I don't want to argue, I don't want to be mean about it. But I want the truth, even if it hurts me, especially if it hurts me, because than I should and could be able to walk through the pain on to the other side and finally completely, let go, something, as you can tell by reading this, I haven't been able to do yet. I will, sooner than later I hope and that is why I need to confront him and hear what he has to say, it may even happen that I don't have to walk away, though I doubt that very much. I'm pretty resigned to the fact that after our talk, I'll be walking away from him for good and at this very moment, thinking about that makes me very sad. I'll get over it though, I always do...
So, there you have it. The lie(s). It's seems so stupid really, but they were lies and for some reason, I really want to know, no... I need to know, why he lied to me, what he thought I would do if I stayed on as his friend on that stupid site. Why he texts me each day, why he said he wanted to build a foundation of friendship, yet he
lies to me and how do you build a foundation of friendship, when there are lies intermingled in that foundation, the foundation won't hold, it will crumble eventually, underneath those lies being told, so I really don't think you can build a foundation of friendship when one is dishonest and that makes me sad. Plus I no longer trust him, so how do you have a friendship with someone that lies, or has lied to you and you can't trust them... I think that it's pretty safe to say, you can't and believe me, I have tried to rebuild trust in others that have lied or hurt me in some way and I'm just not that good. I can forgive, but I can't forget nor can I trust them again, no matter how hard they try to prove to me that they have changed and can now be trusted. Most fail at it. For some reason, some people just have that gene in them that even the most simplest things in their lives, they must lie about, even when it makes no sense to lie about it and getting caught could destroy an important relationship, a marriage.. well you get what I mean.
This confrontation will probably ruin everything, the "friendship" will probably be over once I confront him, although I suspect the friendship, at least on my end, was over once I realized he had lied. So, there doesn't really seem to be a probably about it, I'm almost positive that it's a definite. Although if I continue to go to church,I will sit in my seat, one seat over from him, so as not to have others asking questions like, what happen between him and I that I've moved to a different row of seats, or even have others make assumptions. I won't do that to him, I'll sit where I always sit, for him, until he is ready to tell those that he needs to tell about us. Once that happens, then if I am still attending church, I will find a seat elsewhere. I won't humiliate him in anyway, or have the congregation making assumptions about us, or coming up to either of us and asking what the problem was, it's no ones business, unless and until he makes it their business. I'm not ashamed of what happened, but I'm also not a member of the church. I don't think he is ashamed of what happened, maybe embarrassed because he didn't follow the things he has been taught, but I don't believe he is ashamed that he was with me...though I've been wrong before!
Please, if your going to leave a comment, I don't need nastiness or told not to confront him to just walk away, or to let it go because the lie wasn't a big deal. Perhaps, the lie ISN'T a big deal to most of you, to me, it is. A lie is a lie is a lie and for me to move on, I feel it's important to let him know that I know, even at the risk of never seeing him again.
Frankly, I believe he will most likely deny it, however, the proof is right there, no way really to deny it. That though will make me angry enough to simply stop speaking and walk away. To deny something that is right in your face as truth, makes no sense to me. My kids do that and I have to leave the room it makes me so angry, afraid that I will say something that I will come to regret later on.
An angry Lea has to learn self control, which has been a very difficult lesson, one I've yet to learn, even if I am getting better at it, but the lying (my kids and adults)just make me want to explode. I have noticed that of late, I've been doing better at walking away, most times, though tonight I cussed out the pizza delivery person for being incompetent. So, see, I'm still learning.
I'll keep you posted! If he wants to salvage the relationship, he will need to admit the lies, apologize and work at gaining my trust back, because there is no trust on my end. I never ever gave him a reason not to trust me, so I don't understand why he doesn't trust me, perhaps he will enlighten me on that, if indeed that is the case.
I don't trust well, but for some reason with him I seemed to have jumped in with two feet, eyes closed, heart opened and ready to be with someone, trust someone without waiting my usual couple of months, that include watching the person, paying close attention to their actions as well as their words before I begin to really trust them, I didn't wait this time, I took everything he said as the truth, which is not something I do with anyone,(one more lesson learned and hopefully will be applied in the future with others, regardless of the connection I might feel right away)
And btw, I always catch people in lies.. just ask my kids. They have no clue how I do it, but when they lie about something, I can tell immediately. The same goes with people that I let into my heart and soul. I pay too much attention to things going on around me, not to be able to catch someone lying to me not to mention, my gut instinct will kick in and it's rather strong... sometimes, I ignore my gut instinct and I suspect I might have done that with the man in the beginning, probably because I desperately wanted us to be a fit,(which other than the religion stuff and then the lies, we really were a good fit)I wanted us to be together, to take care of each other, to fall in love (because I am ready to fall in love again and have a life with someone, I'm so tired of being alone.. but I'm more tired of meeting men that are emotionally unavailable, or mean or liars or cheaters(married men) or others that just haven't the maturity that I expect from men who are grown ups, those kind are so very hard to find)
Perhaps my expectations of men are way to high, I just don't feel, right now, the need to lower the bar regarding my expectations of men. I don't want to just settle for anyone, I need that intimate conection, that passion, thost butterflies that one gets when they think of someone they love, I need those things now, once, I was just fine all alone. Being alone all the time, just doesn't work for me anymore. I want someone that I miss when we are apart and he misses me too, someone to think about and get a smile on my face just picturing his face and he the same with me..I'm sure you all know what I am talking about. I'm sure you've all been there.. Love. But I totally digressed and went on a bit of a ramble off the beaten path from where I really was, so back to where I was going with all of this.
I am done with ignoring and accepting the lies, the truth will be told by him (or he will deny it) a friendship will probably end, which would have anyhow, due to the lies and my inability to hide my feelings, plus how cold and rather out of touch with him when speaking or texting with him, he'd probably eventually get tired of my cold shoulder and be gone...
No matter what happens, I will go on, with or without him in my life, tonight as I write this, it just doesn't seem so bad today, while last week, it probably would have been devastating, now I'm just kind of sitting here, ready to quietly mourn the loss of a friendship, but for only a moment, as that is all I will allow myself to mourn, then acceptance will hopefully come, although I think I am already in the acceptance mode, but I do understand that I need to go through some grieving process, I don't think there's a way around NOT grieving for the loss of a loved one, whether it's through death or simply letting them go out of your life, possibly forever. However, since there IS some acceptance already, I'm guessing that the grieving process will be short, thankfully.
I REALLY don't want to lose him as a friend, but more than that, I REALLY don't want to be lied to, especially about such stupid things as what I've written about. So very stupid to lie about something like that. Did he do it to spare my feelings, thinking that if he told me that he removed everyone from his friends list, I wouldn't feel bad? Only he knows and if I'm lucky, I'll get that answer too, regardless of whether it may hurt me or not, though I think he is beyond being able to really hurt me, now that some time has passed.
Wow, I certainly didn't mean to write so much and I think some of it might be redundant - but obviously I needed to write about it or I'd not have gone into such detail. Or maybe I'm not done, maybe I'm not so over it as I'd like to think or say and thus all the detail and redundant sentences. Usually when I blog, I go over what I have written, making small changes here and there, making sure the grammar is correct, taking some things out, putting some things in, basically proof reading, editing before I hit publish, but this time, I am only doing a spellcheck and letting it go without making any changes, so you can all see how my bipolar brain works without the editing or making any effort to actually not ramble.
So, that's it. What do you think? I'll post his reaction and excuses or whatever it is that happens, though again, I'm quite sure that it won't be a good one and that our friendship may not be salvageable. What will be will be. He brought it on himself and he needs to take responsibility for it, but I can't force him too and if there are more lies, than I will walk away. I don't need liars in my life, I've had my quota for life of liars.
Now, if he tells me the truth I should be able to tell,(Or so I hope I'll be able to)It's really not to difficult if we are face to face, over the phone it will be much more difficult, as I can't see the facial expressions over the phone, unless you have a poker face down pat, it is difficult to hide your facial expressions when speaking to someone face to face, usually the face for me, is a dead giveaway if they are lying or telling the truth. Looking away, or eyes downcast when speaking, lying... or looking me in the eye, more often than not telling the truth. Can't see that over the phone obviously, plus I believe that serious talks need to be done in person, especially very important conversations should be done face to face, at least that is my belief.
And after the *talk* I will of course have to make new decisions, decisions that will effect me for the rest of my life. He will make his own decision, by either lying to me or telling me the truth and my decision is contingent on his decisions. Even if he does admit the truth, even if he does apologize, even if he is sincere in his words and it shows in his voice, I may still have to walk away, for fear that there will be a next time, another lie. Because if he is sincere with his words and he does apologize and explain to me why, even if he tells me he still wants me...
It will always be in the back of my mind each time he tells me something, including the above...
Is he telling me the truth, or is he lying just to keep me happy, or not to hurt me, or have me get angry and cause a scene (which is totally not me)... even if he is being honest in his answers when I confront him....
After writing all this out, I realize I'll have to walk away, no matter what,even if he is being honest in his answers when I confront him..... It's my guess that, that is what will happen, since for me to rebuild trust is pretty much impossible.
I guess I answered my own questions, my own thoughts, my own feelings... I'll have to walk away because no matter what happens, I'll never be able to trust him again, no matter how hard he tries to make it up to me, no matter what he does to try and make it right...yeah. I'll have to walk away.
Nothing will ever be the same, probably for either of us, after the talk.