Thursday, May 7, 2009

Where the hell has Lea been?

Oh, did you miss me?

I'm around.

The internet.

I've become addicted to this stupid game, Mobsters. And if that isn't bad enough...

I've found a chat room full of other Mobster addicts. Oh yeah, memories of days gone by when I was hours and hours on AOL.

What else have I done?


I vaccumed half the hallway, till the belt on the vaccum broke for the 12th time AGAIN!!! And instead of putting on another belt (which is a bitch to do)I came to my computer and chatted online in the chat room for 6 hours. 6 HOURS. Don't ask me what I spoke about, because I have no clue.

What else didn't I do..

Put my new weight bench together. Work out on the Wii. Clean the kitchen. Take a shower.. you get the idea, right? Thought so.

I'm still dealing with Chances rages, though the last few days have been pleasant enough. He even took out the trash, the first time I asked him to today.

Tess on the other hand, while she's a good kid, there are things she needs to do to be a responsible adult (since she insists she is an adult, the day she turned 18)and for the life of me, I cannot get her to do these things..

Study for the drivers exam that she has failed 6 times.
Call FAFSA and check to see about grants for college.
Call the college and find out when she is to register.
Call the college and also find out about grants she may be eligible for.
Clean the damn cat box every day so I don't have to smell it. (I throw up when I clean it and nearly throw up just smelling it)
and the worse thing..


I refuse to housetrain it. It's her dog. My two are housetrained, though they are also large and outside most the time (till it's too hot here, since one is a siberian husky, a snow dog and the other is siberian husky/border collie mix, then they will be in the house more than out, but still they are housetrained)
Yes, I have threatened to get rid of her dog, though it breaks my heart, it IS being neglected, unless I take it out of her room and let it follow me around the house, but the damn thing shits in my living room. After threatening her one last time, to her credit, she has been picking up the shit right away and spraying vinegar/water to take away the smell, but dammit, that dog should be going outside and she is too lazy to sit out there for 10 minutes while it does it's business. Every once in a while I will take it outside, because I feel bad for her, locked in Tessa's room all day, but I can't always do this, as I am not always home either... it's a viscous cycle.

And one last thing.. ok, two last things....

I colored my hair dark. No, you can't see it. I have culture shock everytime I look at it and am thinking of putting some blond highlights in it.

I'm thinking about doing away with Monday Giveaway, since I seem to not be able to send out the winnings.. this week it's mostly because I am broke that they haven't gone out yet... though I do have to go to Walmart tomorrow, after the gas guy comes sometime (it's an all day appointment, they shut my gas off yesterday for non payment, I just forgot to pay it) so maybe I will remember to pick up the packing stuff I need to send out the winnings...

Sometimes, I'm such a loser.

Monday, May 4, 2009

New Giveaway

Visit Monday Giveaway for my latest giveaway.

It's real cute!

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Wordle!!! And some other random stuff...

Joe at Joe, in and around Las Vegas sent me my new Wordle. Thanks Joe! I love these Wordle things, they are so cool!

Thanks again Joe! I'm going to try to do one of these each month. I can't capture them, but Joe can, so hopefully he'll capture mine each month!!
New Monday Giveaway coming tomorrow. Check it out tomorrow evening (hopefully I can get it up by then) at Monday Giveaway.
Winnings from previous Monday Giveaways should be going out this week too, hopefully life doesn't get in the way AGAIN! I hate that it's taken me so long to get these out to my readers, makes me feel like shit.
Been entering some contests lately, I think I am going to make a special page just for he contests that I've been entering... actually I think I might even have one already.
Does anyone know how to make it so that there is a permanent "saying" at the top of each of my posts? So I don't have to type it out each time? Like to check out Monday Giveaways? If so, please either leave a comment on how to do it, or feel free to email me at (wisprnsoul at cox dot net)


Friday, May 1, 2009

To be clear

There are many forms of abuse. I've been on the receiving end of all of them. Eventually, you can read some of my story when it is published on Violence Unsilenced. The button for it is over there -----> and there are 2 new stories each week, I'm in line somewhere... Don't wait for my story, go there and read others, they are heartbreaking.

Timmy drinks and gets verbally abusive. I walk away. When Timmy doesn't drink he's a gentleman, kind, considerate etc. This is ultimately the reason I decided that our relationship would not go any further than it is now and I've been doing some soul searching this week, trying to decide if I should walk away completely or not. He always apologizes, but that just doesn't work for me. I won't give him an ultimatium, me or the drink, but what I will do and have begun to do, is distance myself from him. I no longer call him, though he calls me everyday more than once. Sometimes I answer, sometimes I don't. It's how "I" am dealing with it right now. One thing, he hasn't drank all week, I haven't asked why, because I don't care why, only that for the past week he hasn't drank - and still I'm keeping myself at a distance.

The boy.. Perhaps it is time to give you their names. My youngest child, my 13 year old is called Chance (yes, that is his name). My daughter, her name is Tessa. And my oldest boy, who will be making me a grandma soon, is Morgan. My DIL is Amanda. There, now it seems more personal I guess.

Chance, is difficult at best. Much of this can be blamed on me. Who else is to be blamed? His father has never been in his life and when he was born I had made a conscious desicion not to date till the kids were older. I do not believe in bringing men in and out of a childs life. So, other than my father, who's really been sick the better part of Chances life (his illness didn't just happen recently, his heart has been giving him trouble since his first triple bypass at age 40)Dad really hasn't been able to be there for him, as a male role model or even a grandfather, as he was to both Tess and Morgan when they were little. (Though admittedly Tess is and always has been his favorite)

While I say Chance is a difficult child, he isn't a "bad" child, though he makes some bad choices. He doesn't smoke, do drugs, have sex nothing like that (which I was doing all of those things at his age). He's passionate about skateboarding and baseball (playing not watching).

Chance doesn't hit me, but he hits walls. He steals from me and his sister. He's verbally abusive to his sister, calling her fat and other things that I won't repeat here. But when it comes to me, he is even more viscious. Yet, nothing adds up. If I am sick, he is all over me, what can I do for you, are you hungry, do you want me to go to the store and really is a little caretaker...

But, when I try to discipline him, he rages. "I hate you" "Fuck you" "You're a shitty mom" and those are the mild things he says. He makes me cry. He lies to me. Often times if I am on the phone he will act out and the person on the other end is flabergasted by the way he speaks to me. I wouldn't let a man I was dating/married to, speak to me the way Chance speaks to me, yet I haven't a clue what to do about this. Glen has been here at the house when Chance acts out and he has said something to Chance, but he doesn't listen not to Glen, not to me. Both Glen and Timmy have told me that they will kick his ass, this usually comes from hearing me cry and wondering where I went wrong. But, I don't hit my kids. I HAVE, but I don't like to do it and I don't think I would let anyone else do it.

Reading this back, it all just seems like he's a typical 13 year old boy, but he's not. I don't seem to be able to articulate his true character, or at least the abusive part. Oh, he's also been lighting fires in the backyard, spits on the walls (spits juice, milk, koolaid things like that so he can watch it run down the wall). He has chores that he has had for 8 years now, yet I still have to tell him to do them and then he gets verbally abusive towards me for that. I end up doing the chores (no he does not get an allowance). Last month I decided not to do Chances chores OR Tessa's chores (cause yep, I have to tell her every night too)for 3 weeks I did nothing but vacuum when I could get it to work...

My house. was. disgusting. There was piles of trash all over the kitchen and living room. Not one clean dish or silverware in the house, nor any clean pots or pans. I hid in my room with the door shut, I couldn't stand it... finally, I spent almost a week cleaning the front part of the house.

If I had the money, I would send him to Military school. He wants to live with his grandfather, but my father is not healthy enough to take care of him and he won't be for a long time now.

I just don't know what to do with him and it makes me so sad. I am so afraid that he is going to grow up and be abusive to his girlfriends/wife... not physically, he has never raised a hand to me, that would be the final straw for me, it would be then that I would have to beat him to a pulp.. as much as I hate violence, I could not stand for him to raise his hand to me.

I've said it before. I don't know how to raise a boy. I try to teach him that women are to be respected, this is a BIG thing for me. One of the most important lessons that I think I could and SHOULD teach him. But, somewhere I am going wrong and for the life of me, I cannot figure out what it is that I am not doing right.

I know that I am just so very tired of it all, but I don't want to give up on him. He's my boy. My baby. One of the three love of my lifes. I pray every night for guidence, to be shown the way to do this, to teach him right, I love him so much, it just hurts so much.

I just do not know what to do anymore.

My own flesh and blood..

I wonder why I attract abusive men or why I put up with it for the short time (if even THAT amount of time) that I do. I can hold my own, I know the signs and I sure as hell KNOW how to leave rather than wait for it to get worse because it will and all the excuses in the world won't make it OK,. And see I know how to leave the "him" currently in my life, but what do I do when it's my own flesh and blood, my baby, my beautiful 13 year old son, who I would lay my life down for.

Yeah, I said it.