And, it beats

The right side began beating. A lot of bleeding, so they went back in 45 minutes later and got that under control.

He remains with his chest open, for about a week to monitor the heart, but I'm told it all looks good and with lots of work, he should be able to return home in about 6 months and resume his life again.

What a weight lifted off my shoulders, a feeling of hope has returned.

Thank you to all of you for your support.

Thank you

Thank you, thank you, thank you... to all of you for your comments, for your love, cyber hugs and support. Thank you.

I am currently waiting for the phone call. He was scheduled today as a "to follow" which means that after the surgeries were done today, he would follow. They thought about 4pm, which means if he went in around then it's been about 2 hours. IF the heart starts on it's own, then it will take longer than if it doesn't... I've also learned that if the heart starts beating on it's own, he will still be in the trauma room, chest opened up, for about a week in order to clean up any bleeding that may happen.

I've not quite reach the point of acceptance. My head intellectually knows and accept that these next few weeks or sooner, could be my fathers last on the earth. And if it is, I know that my grandmother and grandfather, his mom and dad, will be there to greet him and be with him. However, my heart won't follow my mind. It refuses to accept it. This for my own heart hurt. I know there are other ways for our hearts to feel like they hurt, but for me it's rare that I can feel heart hurt, probably because I never let anyone close to me.. face it, I'm damaged goods and until my own heart heals, becomes one with my mind, I won't let anyone in and I won't be able to accept my fathers mortality... the chance that he will never wake up again from that table. He wouldn't want me to neglect my life or the kids, but how can I really move on in my life when first all I really think about is him and second, having gotten closer to him these last months a father daughter relationship that is pretty much where I have always wanted it to be, how can I let go of that just yet?

This will be the hardest decision my stepmother will have to make in her entire life. I don't envy her, I don't like her either, but I do feel for her. How can you decide to pull the plug on the man you have been married to for over 30 years and love and then watch as he draws his last breath. I don't know that I could do it, regardless if it was his choice or not. I know the doctors are keeping him alive right now with the machines. I also know he is in no pain and I found out today they are giving him some medication that has an amnesiac in it, so when/if he comes out of this, he won't even remember any of this, the length of time, people visiting him, the excruciating pain, nothing. If he comes out if it, he'll have missed a few weeks in his life that will be blank, but he will also have the chance to live longer... so that should cancel out the missed time he'll have.

I don't know, I still feel like I am babbling and not making sense, hopefully you'll get what I am saying...

And again, thank you all, for your support.

Surgery, Kids and me

They've bumped the surgery to tomorrow, Thursday. I am so freaking torn. My daughter hates me, my sons think I'm the worst mother...

There's been nothing but tension here. My daughter has deadlines for school on Friday that she didn't tell me until today. Now I must drive home, while my father is having life or death surgery....

I'm so stressed out that I've said some horrible things to my daughter, things that even an apology may never fix. The kids just don't get it. They've never had a father in their lives so they aren't able to understand how I feel.

I just feel like shit all the way around. I can't win with any choice I make and it sucks right now...

To stay or not to stay

They are doing the surgery friday. They don't need me here for the surgery, they may need me here for after the surgery, to give my stepmother a break here and there...

The kids have missed a ton of school this year because of his illness.

I'm torn, not sure if I should go home tomorrow or Thursday so the kids can get back to school, and then I can come back down in a few weeks, by myself during the week.. or take my daughter home on Weds and come back down on Thursday.

My daughter never wants to be here and we've just had a fight where she walked out telling me FU four times. I told her she was grounded and she told me no she wasn't. She's 18, still lives with me so I think I have that power.

So, I'm torn. They don't need me here, one kid wants to go, one wants to stay and I can't really afford to stay here till Saturday.

Oh and his surgery.. is 8 to 14 hours long.

The Angioplasty

He came out of the angioplasty fine, so far. Have not been to the hospital yet to see him...

Now we find out about the other surgery and when they can do it. I am hoping that they will do it tomorrow. Need to get it over with so that he can heal and come home and start living again. Surgeons have agreed to do the surgery, which I'm thinking is a good sign, but his kidneys and other organs are beginning to shut down, so they need to do something quickly, before it gets worse.

Prayers still needed. Not out of the woods yet.