Thursday, February 26, 2009

Doing what I'm told..

My sister went in to see him. Told him that I loved him. Said he looked peaceful.

Glen has ordered me to bed, no medications so that I can hear the phone if it rings in the middle of the night. Glen makes sense always and he's very supportive of me. But, I'm not sure I'll be able to sleep tonight, especially without my medication.

I'm waiting for Minden dude to come online so that I can talk to him.

My sister will go again tomorrow to see him and is going to call me and put the phone to his ear so that I can tell him I love him.

I guess there's simply nothing to do but wait and take care of my kids. I understand it is all out of my hands, I have no control of what is happening or what is going to happen, intellectually... but try to tell that to my heart. My brain has accepted this, my heart hurts and doesn't or won't or I won't let it, accept that I am so powerless over what happens from here.

I want my father. I want that man that was such a pillar of strength for all my life, not the one that is laying in a bed in ICU with his chest open wide while in a coma. It just seems so unfair. My kids have no father in their lives, he was their only male role model and now what? I know, no one ever said life was fair. Shit, I just lost my beloved gram 4 years ago, how do I get through losing my father should he not pull through this?

All I want to do is get drunk.. numb the pain, my first coping mechanism... get loaded when the pain is too much to handle. You'd think I would know better and really I do, getting drunk will do nothing but, yeah, numb the pain.. but the pain will be there when I sober up and who knows what crap I'd do drunk, it's been so very long since I've tied a good one on and the last time just wasn't pretty. Behavior so unlike me when I am sober. Not sure I want to relive that again. I just want to not hurt inside. That's all I want, to just not hurt and I don't know how to not hurt...

I'm so very tired. Bone weary tired. I've been up too long, been crying for hours.. every part of my body hurts and when I think of that, I think how selfish am I? MY BODY HURTS??? Can't be anywhere close to how my dads body feels, I'm sure. It all just freaking sucks.

This is life, in the fast lane. Faster than I care to live it. Someone slow it down, please.

I guess I'll just do as I was told, lay down and close my eyes and try to sleep so that I can be there for the kids in the morning and after school. Wish me luck.

3 comments:

DysFUNctional Mom said...

I'm so sad for you.
{{{}}}

annie kelleher said...

i wish i had the magic words to make it all better :(.... xoxox.... annie

lisa24n7 said...

wish i could do more...but here's a big ((((hug)))))