Sunday, July 31, 2011

The pursuit of happiness.. or is it?

Is it possible, with my documented illness' to simply give everything up, take off and live the life made only of dreams? Is it possible to rein in my boyo and once again, show him more than concrete, as I did when he was much younger? Do I worry about getting ill, without doctors, like I didn't when he was so small and all there was for him, happily, was me? Do I bother myself with the pharmaceuticals that have been poisoning my body and soul, but keeping my mind where it should be, any longer? Or is it that my mind is really beginning to come alive again, to feel that nomadic way of life, I myself lived pre-children and again, with a little curly haired boyo, too young to appreciate much or even remember much, but for pictures that show him, this is what you did?

As I listen to the news, news junkie that I am, about this debt ceiling being raised, not understanding as much as I probably could if I paid more attention, my mind can't help but wander. It's all so boring really, but according to those in "authority" all so "very" necessary, do I concern myself with this anymore, or do I say, enough is enough and remove myself and my special boyo, from this concrete jungle that never sleeps, to a place of beauty, where time may stand still, new friends may be made and life will have come full circle, at least for a while, till when he is old enough to decide which jungle he wants to live in himself.

The news channels are saying, perhaps not in these words, that these are the end of the days for us. That life as we know it, may change, certainly it will change as change is a necessary part of growth, even for a country. But, will it change for the better, which more often than not happens with growth, or for the worse, which seems to be what the doomsayers are predicting. How, in good conscience, can I allow myself to continue on this way - yet at the same time, how, can I not? Knowing, in order to keep my mind as healthy as it's been ever, I must continue on the course that's been set for me, not of my own doing, I didn't ask to be sick... but I also gave up fighting it. Is there a way, to remain healthy of mind, body and soul, without these things that poison me yet keep me healthy all at the same time? I don't know and that is the scariest thing of it all. I simply don't know.

What will happen, if I remain trapped in the cloak of illness, safety, pretty stable and predictable way I've fallen into the last 10 years and uproot it? Take it and throw it all out and begin over? Mostly, what will happen to my boyo if I DON'T do something? Will he think this is all there is to life? Is there a way to balance it all?

What I have to look forward to next week. 3 doctor appointments. 1 the following week. Will they find more disease, more illness when they look at my lungs, my heart? Can they find my soul in there somewhere, has that died off after all the sickness?

And if they don't find anymore illness, what will I do about that.

I don't know. Not yet at least. Perhaps not knowing isn't so scary, perhaps not knowing is the key to grab my ticket, my boyo and proceed down a path, neither of us know, marveling in it, LIVING it, learning, growing and just being. Perhaps, that is the way I am supposed to live. It's certainly how I thought I was to live, many years ago.

Perhaps it's time again. As the Constitution states, it is my right to the pursuit of happiness, no matter what, right?

Sunday, July 10, 2011


Yes, I am still alive. I need to figure out a few things, then I hope to come back to my blogger or "A" blogger and start again. I don't like the look, feel or email attached to this account. I want to be able to simply blog from my computer, without having to sign into here or elsewhere.

In the meantime, a blast from my past...

Circa: 1990. I believe I was pregnant with my daughter in this one. Left to right while looking at your computer screen. Terri, who is my daughters fathers sister and once one of my closes friends. Sadly, she passed from cancer before he found us on MySpace. Next to her, is Beth. Another very close friend, one I haven't seen in 20 years. Unfortunately, when I ran away from California, I also had to cease all contact with those that were in my life, to keep them from being harassed by my daughters father when he came around looking for us - and come around he did. He, himself, told me that he harassed a few people, but quickly realized that no one knew where I was - though it wasn't until a few years later that he asked his other sister if she knew where I was and she did and she told him. Though he never found us until whenever it was that he contacted my daughter...(more about photos below)

Next one...

Circa: Feb/March 1991. My daughter and her father. One of the very few there are of him and her for her entire life, up to the age of 18. There's photos now, but only a very few of when she was little.

These were scanned and sent to me via FB by my "niece". Well, she's not really MY niece, she's my daughters fathers niece, or she's the daughter of Terri in the first photo. She calls me auntie and has since she was little. I lost contact with her too, until she found me on FB a few months ago. It's nice to be in contact with her again. Of the 3 women that he has had children with, I am her favorite and the only one she calls Auntie. Breaks my heart what she has had to go through. She's really only about 15 years younger than myself. Her mother, as I said, passed a few years ago from cancer. Prior to that, when she was little her father took her, kidnapped. Because her mother was high on dope and alcohol all the time and couldn't take care of her. Poor girl, still doesn't understand why she was taken away. When she was little, she was in a hit and run drunk driver accident, where she was dead for 10 minutes. Now, she lives with cancer.

And I sometimes think I have it bad. Okay, so I need to figure a few things out. If anyone knows of a preferably free, but cheap will do, place I can get my own domain? Then maybe I can start blogging brand new. Oh, you can't leave a comment, well you can, but I won't know, unless I come back to the blog everyday and I don't seem to be able to do that... the email attached to this blog no longer exists, yet it won't let me use my gmail address for an alternate so if you have any info for a domain name, email me at