Tuesday, February 17, 2009

No confrontation...Men, they are just to much like wrong lately...

I asked the man if we could speak after services, alone, without interruptions, privately and he said, yes.

I looked good too. Put on a new dress, thigh high boots, makeup, hair... not hard to miss and fairly easy on the eyes.

We sit in a row of 5 seats. He sits on the aisle, then there's an empty seat, then I sit in the next seat, then there's an empty seat and another woman sits on the end seat. When her husband is there, he sits in the seat next to his wife, which is the seat next to mine. It was awkward because I didn't know where to sit. I ended up sitting in the seat next to the man and I was very uncomfortable, leaning very much to my right, away from him. I didn't even want for our arms to touch by accident.

So, services are done and he always walks me to my car. He tells the woman and her husband that he is walking me to the car and as it turns out, they are taking him home. There was no time for me to say what I wanted to say, I certainly wasn't going to make innocent people wait, not fair to them. I did say, "I could give you a ride home, but I suppose that wouldn't look proper." He didn't agree or disagree, nothing was said. He did ask what I needed to talk to him about and I just said, there's no time now...

So he said he would call me tomorrow and suggested that we have lunch this week. Yeah, that'll be a lunch that goes over well, I look forward to it. NOT.

He has till tomorrow to call me. If he doesn't then I will just write up an email and fire it off. Thing is, I know how to use my words, better when I write, than when I speak, that's not to say I don't speak well, only that on paper my words are more harsh, they come to life more than if I a speaking them and I even use big words that some people don't understand ha. I'll be meaner in the email, than I would face to face, because it's easier to be mean in an email than when they are looking at you face to face... but I need closure on this so that I can move on. I'm not sure why I can't let this all just go and put him completely out of my life, it's just what it is for now I guess. But, I will get my closure and I will move on...

In other news on the front lines...

Not sure if I've mentioned this before or not... when the boy was about 8 months old and the girl was about 6, I met a man that I dated for a few months. It wasn't meant to be, I was still reeling over the breakup of the boys father and myself. I was also very afraid to get involved with someone, I'd been through to much already. Plus, I only got to see him a few times a month, as he lived in Ca. and came out here from time to time. So it never really went anywhere. Now, remember the girl is now 18 and the boy is now 13...

I'm on a personal site that is called, Biker Planet, which I actually just joined about a week ago. And the first day was a message to me, saying "I've been looking for you off and on now for almost 12 years"...

Wow, news to me. Turns out he had just joined that site too, specifically to look for me. He'd changed email addresses, but kept his old one in case I tried to contact him. 12 years. Long time. He now lives in Minden, NV which is about 300 miles from me here in Vegas. It did take me a few moments to recall who he was, shut up, it was 12 years ago and I have an odd memory system that floats around my brain. Half the time I can't even remember what I ate for dinner or for that matter, to even eat each day at all.

He hasn't changed much. Still calls me baby girl and it seems like we just picked up where we left off, kind of weird actually. What should we call him... I think I will call him Minden dude for now. So Minden dude has a brother (not a blood brother, but a biker brother) down here and has made arrangements to come down here this weekend. Minden dude wants to see me again. Not sure I can do this though. Long distance relationships are difficult at best, no matter how the couple feels about each other. Plus, I can't usually just pick up and leave town on the weekends, I've got the kids, though the girl is 18 and can take care of the house, her and the boy fight all the time, so leaving them alone for a few days while I visit someone 300 miles away probably won't work for me. And I would never ask him to make the drive all the time.. yeah, I am ending it before it begins, talking like this, I know.

I am looking forward to seeing him again. We had some chemistry, but I screwed that up with my fear. Lately though I seem to be fearless. And there's been tons of men hitting on me, so my friends say, or they are calling me - even my kids are wondering out loud, where did all these men come from. I haven't a clue. I'm still fat, though I've lost 60 pounds, maybe it's the fearlessness that has overcome me. Usually men and women say I am aloof, I am standoffish, I've been called stuck up and unapproachable as well as other things that don't need to be repeated here.

Where are all the men coming from, I have no idea to be honest. They are crawling out of the woodwork and it's beginning to freak me out a bit. Minden dude is one of the most responsible men I know, the others well... they can use some work and frankly, I'm just not open to helping others become better people, unless they asked of course, however, I doubt I can help any of them out.

Maybe that's the attitude I give off and that's why they only stick around for a few days! Well not stick around, but stop calling me, if I've given them my number or they keep coming back to where I go and I don't really flirt, I do mostly act uninterested(probably because I am uninterested)But I did flirt with the man, surprised myself and probably because I had 2 drinks and I don't normally drink.

The ones that bother me the most are the ones that have no car and/or no job, which right away I turn the cold shoulder to. Come on are you kidding me? In your 40's and you don't have a car or a job? Been there with the boys father, not going there again with anyone. Maybe they think there's a chase that needs to be done with me, because I simply do not hit on men,(other than the man) and I keep to myself for the most part. I do spend friday nights in 2 different bars, just singing karaoke. I walk in them alone and walk out alone. Not one person can say they have seen me leave with a man, ever, including the night I met the man. I don't like drunks any how so it's no problem for me.

As I write this, I can see that I "am" unapproachable. I don't like to be touched by people I don't know, so when someone comes and puts their arm around me (usually the sloppy drunken dude who hasn't showered in a while)I politely tell them to get their fucking arm off of me. Heh. Yeah, I can be unapproachable at times, ok, most times.

So, maybe that is where all the men seem to be coming from, the thrill of the chase, a chase that I'm not doing on purpose and one that I doubt anyone will ever win again. I've resigned myself to the fact that I will probably just grow old alone with my animals and I am ok with this. Certainly I get lonely at times and yes, I would like to have a relationship, serious one, with someone, but the good ones are all married and the others, well, most of the others, are dipshits.

Oh and I should mention..and you'll love this one...

EVERY.MAN.I.MEET.IS.AN.EX-CON!! And most of them are felons, which means they have to be registered here in Nevada. It's some law that is really enforced. Even the man is a registered felon. (now can anyone guess why I might want to move out of Vegas?)

Ugh. Men.. they really suck.

4 comments:

annie kelleher said...

nature abhors a vacuum. take some time and visualize the sort of man who you WOULD like to attract. you have more control over this thn you realize. you arent exerting any control or thought in this and thats why its so wild and chaotic. and please, avoid this guy from church. just drop it, you don't need the aggravation. think about what you DO need and what you DO want and avoid those who can't give it to you, much as they may say thy want to. its actions on which you judge a person, not by what they SAY. there's a difference.

lisa24n7 said...

I agree with annie- really decide what or in this case, who you want to be with and go from there. You deserve what you need and want to be happy- believe it! From deep down in your soul believe it! hugs :o)

Lea said...

I write a lot,not just on the blog, but on actual paper, or in word on my computer... and that's what I do sometimes, write about the man I want in my life, all the character traits I am looking for..

Maybe it's time to do it again?

Thanks Annie and Lisa -

Lea said...

Oh and I forgot.. he said he would call me today. No phone call.

I'm done. Not even sure I'm going to send off an email at this point. If I decide to attend services at the church again (I did enjoy it and I can always go to a closer one) I won't be sitting near him.

Let them wonder what happened, at this point, this moment, I don't care. I'm more concerned with what is happening with my father than to worry about this particular man.