Thursday, February 26, 2009

What do I call this?

The surgeons came out and spoke to my family. My father is in a coma. The right side of his heart wouldn't start and they couldn't place the LVAD in him. They left his chest open, to watch the bleeding and in the hopes that the right side starts working again, if it does, then he has another surgery and they will place the LVAD, but he really isn't strong enough for another surgery, so I don't know where that leaves us.

I'm all alone here in Vegas. I knew I should have stayed, but that would have gone against his wishes.. though it's not like I've ever listened to him before, not since I was 14, he even said so when we had our private talk. NOW I pick the time to listen to him. What an idiot I am.

My daughter thinks I hate her and no amount of me telling her that I don't, that I love her more than she could know is helping her to feel better. I don't have the strength for this, she thinks I blame her and I don't. I can't get her to believe me, even though I've held her, told her I don't blame her, I don't hate her that she is my only baby girl and I love her with all my heart. That I did what her Papa asked me to do. To take care of them. That is what he would want.

I feel so fucking helpless up here, all alone, scared and dammit I could use a real stiff drink right now, but my kids have never seen me drink or drunk and I don't have alcohol in the house, so I'm shit out of luck....

The girl wants me to fold clothes with her. Says it will keep my hands busy and maybe my mind on something else, but all I want to do is crawl under my covers and sleep and not wake up till or if he does.

I want my dad. I want to be with my dad. I don't care what they say, I know he would know I was there, even in the coma. He would know. I could just kick myself for leaving. Why did I pick now to listen to that ornery stubborn man...

I guess I have to fold clothes since she just put them on my bed and is sitting here folding them... god I love this girl, she is so much stronger than her mother.

Please send prayers or whatever you it is you do, believe in... anything. He needs all the prayers and positive thoughts he can get.

1 comment:

annie kelleher said...

thinking of you... xox... annie