After a long drive and umm.. heh being pulled over for speeding... 85 in a 55 work zone just my side of Laughlin, NV... I'm home...
When he pulled me over, I started crying and telling him about my father and I was sorry about speeding that I wasn't paying attention that I was talking about the surgery to my kids, anything I could think of and at the same time as he was at my window they called me to give me an update on Dad, I asked if I could answer it and I repeated everything outloud that was told to me... I got lucky.. couldn't find my insurance card, but he only gave me a ticket for no proof of insurance, a fix it ticket, thankfully! I really didn't realize I was going so fast and kept my eye on the speed from there on to home. I was very lucky and am thanking my lucky stars for not getting that speeding ticket which would have been a lot of money... a work zone, double fines 30 miles over the speed limit.. NOT GOOD!!
Dad went into surgery at 9:30am, Az time, 8:30 Vegas time. I was there at 5am hoping to get some alone time with him. Not really able to do that and then before surgery I did get about 5 minutes alone time, long enough to tell him I loved him. There are tons of people at the hospital now, waiting for him to get out. The last update I got was a few hours ago, letting me know that they repaired the leaking valve on the right side of his heart as well as the bypass on the same side and they began the LVAD at that time. I haven't heard anything since, but I'm pretty sure he will make it through, he was very determined, scared but determined...
I learned a lot about me this week, my parenting skills pretty much suck. My kids have both told me that they hate me and all I could say to that was that I loved them and they could hate me all they wanted, but my love would never end.
The stress was simply too much for all of us, without our own spaces to retreat to like we usually have. I love my kids, I would lay my life down for them.. but I won't be abused by them in anyway at all..
I've told them that it is time for me to have a life of my own. To date and be able to meet men without worrying about what they thought. I put aside my own needs for many years, after my youngest boys father and I split up, I was too gun shy to date and I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't bring men in and out of their lives, so for the first 10 years of the youngest boys life, I never went out, I never dated and ahem.. no sex for the most part... There were a few men in my life, but nothing serious and the kids never met them and I never spent the night away from them. I may have stayed out till 2 or 3 in the morning, but I was always here when they woke up... I'm here when they go to school and I'm home when they come home from school which I felt and still feel that is very important.. but it's also time for me to have a life.
I still don't think it's proper to bring men in and out of their lives, though I have made a couple of mistakes with that, like Joe. Even Minden Dude didn't come to the house, though he did meet the kids when they were little, though they don't remember. Because they have mentioned it, from now on the only man allowed in the house is Glen, my best friend and well.. friend with benefits best friend. The kids have known him for as long as I have 4 years and we really are just very close, but no relationship there for us... He doesn't want that type of relationship which is fine with me, I think we work well together as it is, he is the one I call when I am in trouble, when I am hurt, when I need something and when I just want to see how he is doing and he is ALWAYS there for me, no matter what. He takes care of my house when we are in Az, feeds my animals even cleans up a bit. He'll even have man talks with the boy should he not feel comfortable coming to me... The kids like him and they understand that we are simply best friends.
Minden dude is still around, well he is up north at home, but in contact with me everyday. I want to give this a chance to see where it will go, if it can go further this time. He's a good guy, though the passion wasn't really there this time I saw him.. I talked to Glen about it and he brought up a good point, that it was the first time we had been together in 12 years and maybe Minden dude was trying to find his way, like me. There must be something there... He's been looking for me off and on for 12 years and I have thought about him off and on for the same amount of time, though I never made an effort to actually search for him, he actively searched for me and finally found me. So, I don't know where it will go. Long distance relationships are very difficult. And I'm not particulary thrilled with the distance and the inability to spend time with each other to see if we fit. I think it's important for that in order for each of us to make a decision on if we want to be with each other or not... I suppose time will tell.
I also met someone a few weeks ago that I am very attracted to. I "think" he is attracted to me, but neither of us have made a move, other than to say that we'd like to make out.. heh I sound like a freaking teenager.. but I FEEL like one sometimes, instead of a 44 year old soon to be grandmother.
I feel like my life is just spinning right now. So much going on I'm not sure which way to turn. I think the most important thing for me right now is to focus on the lessons I learned this week about being a parent, about becoming a better parent than I have been. Though my daughter just came in and said that I can't now start parenting her at the age of 18, I beg to differ. I can still teach her things, things she needs to know to make it in life, to have a productive and good life. I can still guide her a bit, but the boy needs more than I have given him. He's more of a concern than the girl, I trust her to make good decisions and to come to me when she can't make a decision and needs help. The boy mentioned that I can't help him, that there are things that he can't come to me about because it's man things and that is when I told him that all he had to say is he needed a man to talk to and Glen would come and talk to him... but the boy mostly wants to be with his grandfather, wants to talk man things with him. For now, that's not possible.
I have more to write.. but I'm going to take a break for now and call down to Az, see if there is anymore news. I've thought a lot about this blog in the last few days and I want to share it here. I will later.. for now I need a break, I'm exhausted, worn out, stressed out and rambling quite a bit.. I guess now we know why I first called this blog, Ramblings of everything and nothing... Cause I'm a rambler... especially when I am tired. I need to go pay attention to my dogs, who've missed me and clean up the house a bit, since I left it in such disaray. I'm not a good house cleaner as it is, another thing I really need to work on...