Thursday, January 8, 2009

Right after I published that last post....

*104th thing you probably do know about me: I'm scared to death that my father is going to die, very soon*

I hit publish on my last post and my phone rang. It was my father. I had intended on calling him when I was finished with my last post, since it's free for me after 7pm and I like to speak to him each day...

He is back in the hospital. His numbers were down, they didn't like them and the meds aren't doing for him what they should be doing. He says he'll be there awhile. I think he means, till he dies or gets another heart. I know he could hear the fear in my voice, he didn't want to talk he said, but he needed to tell me a few things...

First, they had a heart for him Monday night. (I'm not sure if I mentioned this, but he is type 0 blood and finding him a heart is difficult, he is also as of the other day 4th on the list for his type of blood and body) All the doctors arrived at the hospital (though he was not told this until today) and spent an hour going over the heart, testing it, looking at it and arguing about it, eventually deciding that it wasn't good enough, not for him and as it turned out... not for anyone. By this time, me the one who is strong, who never breaks down in front of him, who holds her head up and on straight, because as I've said before, I am the oldest child, I am the strongest one of the entire family - my life required me to be stronger than the rest of them, including the adults, I was crying. I don't know if he could tell, I suspect he could, though I wasn't hyperventilating and they were silent tears, but I could hear my voice cracking, I'm sure he could too.

He than told me "Take care of the kids" I asked if he wanted me to come down and he said "No, stay there and take care of the kids" "Tell them I love them very much". I assured him that they knew that and I would tell them anyways, plus that they loved him very much too.

He then said that he wanted to get off the phone and I told him to get some rest and I would call him in the morning...

Before he hung up he said to me..

"I want you to know that I love you very much. I know you don't think I do, I know you've never thought that I loved you, but I do, more than you would believe"

I lost it.

I let him know that I knew he loved me, even though he never really tells me and that it was okay, WE were okay. I let him know that I loved him (which I always tell him) and I also let him know that I loved him all the time, even when he wasn't sick. He chuckled when I said that, though I'm not really sure it was funny. At least I wasn't trying to be funny, but if it made him smile, than all is good.

If you're so inclined to, please send positive thoughts and/or prayers that this will have a good outcome. My beliefs are of such that I know that whatever happens will happen for a reason, either he dies or gets a new heart and really there's nothing to be done about it, but wait and hope for the best. But I have also seen the power of positive thoughts, the power of prayers work for others, so I am now at a point of trying anything and everything so that my children's grandfather will live long enough to see the younger two graduate high school, college, get married (he would be the one to walk the girl down the aisle)maybe even long enough to meet his great grandchildren... so, I'm pulling out all the things I know even though they go against my beliefs to an extent and begging for positive thoughts from all of you in bloggyland, a chain of positive thoughts and prayers.


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