Thursday, January 8, 2009

Some more to get off my chest...

*105th thing you may not know about me: I think most times I'm ugly*

I just needed to write a bit more about my father.. it's really the only way I know how to process things, write them, read them, absorb them, process them and hopefully acknowledge and accept them...

I tell my father each and every time before we hang up the phone that I love him and when I am in Phx with him, I make sure to let him know that I love him and it's only been the last couple of months that he has been telling me, I love you too. Which still had me feeling like, he's only saying that because I said it to him. (I told him plenty as a child that I loved him, but never heard it back). So for him to initiate that conversation with me tonight, both scared me and filled me with joy. I think he believes he is going to die and if I am honest, I am feeling the same way.

I don't know how much more he can take of this, being back in the hospital depresses him, which makes him sicker too. I don't know how far technology has come, if it can keep him alive indefinitely till a heart, a good heart, comes available. I don't know if "God" has plans for him to live or die.

I've hit a bottom. At one moment I am cursing "God" and the next begging "Him", even going as far as begging my beloved gram to help, to not take him yet. I close my eyes and see my father how he once was, large and alive.. as a child, I believed he walked on water, until the pain of being his daughter became too much for me and he fell off his pedestal, breaking my heart and soul.

And now, my heart and soul is breaking again. I know we are never ready to lose a loved one, I intellectually understand this, my heart and soul do not understand and I seem incapable of lining up my mind, heart and soul together, to be one with each. I cannot seem to find that peace that I know I'm able to find other times and so I am baffled. Acceptance is not coming and wisdom is eluding me. Fear has overcome me and sleep has been impossible lately. It is almost as if I am afraid to sleep, afraid I will miss the phone call, whichever call it may be. Fear is like a shadow that hangs over me at all times. Strength is no longer an option, there is no strength left in me. As I watch him get sicker and sicker, I die inside more and more. I have no one to lean on, no one to call in the middle of the night when I can't sleep or if somehow I've managed to drift off and have a nightmare. Even if I did, I'm not sure I'd call someone anyways... weakness is disgusting to me and yet, here I am weak, powerless, scared out of my mind and I'm utterly disgusted with myself.

And I have sat here reading this over and over, not really wanting to send it in, not wanting you all to really see how so very weak and disgusting I have become... and yet my ego is just low enough that I know I need to share this with you, that I need for you to see me at my lowest, a place I never thought would be lower than when I lost my gram... yet here I am lower then that time. I need for you to see it and I'm not quite sure why. I've been sharing about my father for so long, I imagine most are tired of reading my whining, but what else can I do anymore... seems that's all I'm capable of doing here anymore... whine and complain. Weak and disgusting.

So, once again, if you are so inclined to, please keep my father in your prayers, or light a candle for him, or send out positive thoughts for him. Leave me out of it please, send them for him he needs it all much more than I do. One day, someway, somehow when I least expect it, my mind, my heart and my soul will align with each other and that acceptance and wisdom that eludes me now, will find it's way into my life. For now, focus on him, please...


lisa24n7 said...

I can so relate to what you are going through. I lost the man who I always thought could carry the weight of the world on his shoulders back three years ago this month. He battled cancer for six months and lost.
Always being someone who hated signs of weakness, like yourself, I tried to hide in my daily routine hoping if I did my world, his world, would return to normal and the inevitable wouldn't happen. Of course I knew better, but it was so hard to 'prepare' myself...though in retrospect I don't believe anyone can be prepared to face a loss of that magnitude.
It's a hard journey but know there's people out here who accept your humanness and still care about you. Prayers of course are being sent his way.

Lea said...

Thank you Lisa. Understanding, intellectually knowing that someone you love will die, sooner than later is easy... it's when your heart and your soul don't want to let go, doesn't comprehend what's going on, can't grasp the magnitude of the impending death of a loved one, is what has been most difficult for me.

There's more to say, but no energy right now to say it.. but thank you for your comment and your support.