Dad...

Dad is in the hospital again. He has blood in his poop. He told me that he was bleeding from the bottom, not a subject I guess he is comfortable talking about around me, cause I said, IN YOUR POOP? And he hesitated than said, yes... ha, leave it to me to break the ice, so to speak.

Thankfully, not his heart. Doctor says that he should be just fine, that around the colon there are tiny vessels that bleed and so, they are doing a colonostopy (spelling?) tomorrow and can zap them shut while in there, if that is what it is. It's not the hemorrhoids (yep, I asked if he had those, I'm just open like that!) After a few minutes discussion, he didn't sound so uncomfortable, so way to go me! Talking about blood in his poop is, I'm sure, not a conversation he wanted to have with his daughter, but me having no fear in discussing anything just brought him along in the conversation.

The girl came into my room earlier this morning and said, Mom. I just rolled over and looked at her and said, "What did you do?" (I'm just good like that, can tell from her tone she had something to tell me that she figured I'd be angry about)

Girl:"I need to tell you something but I'm afraid you'll get mad"
Me: "What did you do?" (sitting up now)
Girl:"I went to that concert last night but it wasn't a concert"
Me: (sitting completely up now)"What was it?"
Girl: "A rave"
Me: (Now completely alert and just a little upset but hiding it)"A rave? Did you do drugs or drink?"
Girl: "No"
Me:"Did....
Girl:"I didn't leave my water anywhere either and when I did, I got a new one."
Me:(more relaxed now)"Ok"
Girl:"Will you let me go again, Mom? Don't you trust me?"
Me: "I trust you, it's others I don't trust and I'll have to think about letting you go again. You should have texted me as soon as you realized what it was, so I could make the decision last night."
Girl: "Well, I was home at 11"
Me: "Yeah, so probably I'd let you go again."
This is an 18 year old girl, who's never smoked a cigarette, never done drugs, never has had sex... this is a GOOD 18 year old girl, unlike me at her age. I was already 2 years in a relationship with the man who would eventually become my husband, then my ex husband, but at 18 he had cheated on me and I moved to Hawaii (Maui) for nearly a year, then came back only to move to Texas with him and got pregnant then married. She is so not like me. I think I did a good job with her, as opposed to the job I'm doing with the boy - I just don't know how to raise a boy... especially one as wild as mine.

Oh and apparently, a buff good looking guy came up to her and said, I like the way you look, I'm a chubby chaser. HA! This kid of mine isn't fat, but has a little bit of chunk in the waist area. I laughed, while saying... "was he kind of short?" Yep, about her height which is 5'7. I had to laugh again, cause it seems short men (who neither of us particularly are attracted to, though new dude is my height and I think he is good looking) most always like chubs or women who are heavy set. But, I told her to hold out hope, because both Glen and Matt are over 6' and both like women who are heavier, as opposed to small skinny women. Even though this guy said he is a chubby chaser and while it's kind of rude, we looked on the other side, the shiny side and decided that she should take it as a compliment, which put a big smile on her face. I asked if she gave him her number and she looked at me and said, Mom, I don't give my number out to guys I just meet. I'm so proud of her! She really has her head on straight when it comes to the opposite sex. Not like most girls who are her age or she hangs out with, all seem to be really boy crazy and are sexually active.. She is more of a leader than a follower...

Now if only I could figure out how to change the path I see the boy going down, all will be perfect in the family part of life. Dad says he needs to be in more organized sports, so tomorrow I am calling the baseball guy and see when the next club ball starts and get this boy of mine back into baseball (he won't play little league anymore and I don't blame him since the coaches all suck).

On another note. We finally figured out why we (new dude and I) are always getting sick after hanging out with each other. We spend most of the time in his room (he rents a room from a "common house")... his landlord and him found black mold in the air conditioning vent. Which blows on us all night long and explains his cough and my chest always heavy. Plus, when I sleep there, I'm both cold and sweating constantly. I spent the night there (and no, we do not have sex, but we do cuddle in bed)and at 8am I got up said I needed to go home. I was SO cold and today, I don't feel so good - so, I'm pretty sure it's the a/c. We don't hang out here at my house because the kids mostly and my house isn't very clean right now (because it takes me days to recuperate after being with him most of the weekend)... but this week is housecleaning week, Spring cleaning! He's doing the girls hair on Saturday for prom (btw, she got a new date!) so hopefully we will just hang out here Saturday night instead of his place.

Just a bunch of rambling thoughts in my head that I thought I would put out there. Boring I know, but right now, my life is boring. Don't say I didn't warn you the other day when I said I was bored with my life - though now I see why... IT IS BORING!!

Oh and I met the new dudes ex girlfriend. I wasn't impressed. And she apparently told him that I was a bitch to her. Just because I wasn't all smiling and making small talk with her, which she did her best to do with me and all I could do is nod my head (with a smile on my face) to her, I'm a bitch. Bummer. He told her that I wasn't a bitch, but a sweetheart. I then asked him how old she was, because she looked like she was older than me and it turns out she is nearly 10 years younger than me! I was surprised. And she thought I was closer to her age and was surprised when he told her I was coming up on 45 (which is older than both of them)so that made me feel good!

Enough of the rambling. Hope everyone is having a good Sunday!

Peace.

Checking in, before passing out...

Minor surgery on neck today, awake for whole thing screaming it hurt and then poof I was out. But, man for those first few minutes, it freaking hurt. NEED MORE ANESTHISIA DAMMIT KNOCK MY ASS OUT! Lost another 10 pounds since weighed last week. Less weight, still need lots of drugs to put me out, gah.

Joe: Taco stand in back of Cantina on Charleston and 28th. New dude is threatening to run it down in his car, I'll be across the street laughing my ass off, as soon as both of us can freaking leave the house without having to puke or other lovely things that comes with food posioning, though I'm not so feeling that anymore, he is, but he DID eat his taco and half of mine, which he reminded me of before my going under the needles today, to which I could only laugh and he hung up on me! Called later on, but I couldn't string a sentence together.. so he laughed at me. Paybacks a bitch.

Ok, going to miss my shows, but time for me to pass out again.

I've been SO remiss..

Actually, I've been pretty sick. Left a few comments on a few blogs, but really haven't had the energy to lift my head up and post on my own blog. Not sure what is wrong with me, all I do is sleep and throw up.. go me. Am having the hardest time keeping food down I imagine that is part of my weakness problem.. tomorrow I am completely out of commission due to a procedure I have to have done on my neck for the next 3 Thursdays actually.. yuck
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I didn't have my Monday giveaway, but if you go to live,love,laugh with leslie Leslie is giving away a partylite candle or some tealights, that should make up for mine being nonisistent this week...
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I do still have a book up on Monday Giveaway for those of you with children you might be interested in it, I haven't closed it down, but wil hopefully feel well enough to do so this Saturday.
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Skoys haven't been sent out yet, sorry. Will do asap.

That's it.. back to my head on the pillow with my eyes closed!

Dad

All the prayers, positive thoughts, candles lit and everything else has been a blessing. His fever is gone and the staff infection is nearly healed. Yay!!

Not sure how long he will be in the hospital. He's very depressed because of it, but I think he understands that he must be there to get better, to build muscle mass and gain some weight so that he can be put back on the transplant list.

They feel right now because he is so weak, that he wouldn't make it off the table should he have open heart surgery.

Right now, I do plan on visiting him the weekend of the 21st, hopefully those plans won't fall through. If they do, then I will get there as soon as I can. As selfish as I am, I realize that even though I don't want to see him as sick as he is, I may come to regret not going and seeing him as often as I possibly can.

Thank you again for all the blessings sent in all different ways. I appreciate them very very much.

Bah

I'm SO exhausted. I've been cleaning, doing laundry, helping my father up and down, running around for the stepmother and basically not getting any real time for myself. The stepmom has been pretty nasty today, screeching and hollering and just all around being a bitch.

I understand she is under a lot of stress, I really do. But my sister and I are there to help (my sister is her biological daughter) and we are doing everything we possibly can, yet we are being treated like shit.

And now... my father thinks I should bring the cats back to Vegas. Oy Vey!! They are finally getting used to being back with him, behaving themselves, but he can't feed them or change his litter box, which means the stepmother must do these things... so what, it takes about 5-8 minutes in the morning to do this and she is complaining that she has to take care of them and my father. WTF? She can't find 6-8 minutes out of the morning, to take care of his cats that make him so happy?

Not to mention they are trying to lease their townhouse in Vegas. Where are those cats going to go when they lease it? I can't take them. I've 6 of my own, plus 3 dogs, not to mention those cats really do not like anyone but my father. So, I don't know what to do... the only reason I came down here, was to bring the cats and it was my freaking stepmothers idea to do it and now she is bitching.

I go home tomorrow. The boy stays. I need to get home in time to get to FedEx in order to send his birth certificate and a few others things so that he can fly home.

We are all stressed out and it's wearing on me pretty bad. I see the edge and I want to jump. I don't want to come out here again, but I can hear the stepmother in my mind telling me how selfish I am... Yeah, I'm selfish. I have children to take care of and I need my strength or I won't be any good to anyone. Stress causes my bipolar to act up worse than normal and when that happens, I'm a mess and again, no good to anyone.

I wish I had something positive to share. I love my father, but I don't want to be here not with him so sick, not with the stepmother screeching at us. I just want to be home, with my daughter, my son and my animals. In my own bed, in my own home, in my own life. This is no life for me. See, selfish. But, if I can't take care of myself, which happens when my bipolar goes into full swing, I can't take care of anyone else. My children suffer, my father suffers, my friends suffer, I'm just no good.

I have a wake up call for 8am and hope to leave here by 9pm, go to the hospital (dad has a doctors appointment at 9) say goodbye and I love you to him and be on the road before 10am. That should put me home around 3 or 4 as long as I don't hit a ton of traffic (which is why I am leaving on a Monday, instead of yesterday to avoid the Christmas traffic)

Say a pray or positive thoughts for me that my trip back will be quick and easy.