Monday, March 2, 2009

Thank you

Thank you, thank you, thank you... to all of you for your comments, for your love, cyber hugs and support. Thank you.

I am currently waiting for the phone call. He was scheduled today as a "to follow" which means that after the surgeries were done today, he would follow. They thought about 4pm, which means if he went in around then it's been about 2 hours. IF the heart starts on it's own, then it will take longer than if it doesn't... I've also learned that if the heart starts beating on it's own, he will still be in the trauma room, chest opened up, for about a week in order to clean up any bleeding that may happen.

I've not quite reach the point of acceptance. My head intellectually knows and accept that these next few weeks or sooner, could be my fathers last on the earth. And if it is, I know that my grandmother and grandfather, his mom and dad, will be there to greet him and be with him. However, my heart won't follow my mind. It refuses to accept it. This for my own heart hurt. I know there are other ways for our hearts to feel like they hurt, but for me it's rare that I can feel heart hurt, probably because I never let anyone close to me.. face it, I'm damaged goods and until my own heart heals, becomes one with my mind, I won't let anyone in and I won't be able to accept my fathers mortality... the chance that he will never wake up again from that table. He wouldn't want me to neglect my life or the kids, but how can I really move on in my life when first all I really think about is him and second, having gotten closer to him these last months a father daughter relationship that is pretty much where I have always wanted it to be, how can I let go of that just yet?

This will be the hardest decision my stepmother will have to make in her entire life. I don't envy her, I don't like her either, but I do feel for her. How can you decide to pull the plug on the man you have been married to for over 30 years and love and then watch as he draws his last breath. I don't know that I could do it, regardless if it was his choice or not. I know the doctors are keeping him alive right now with the machines. I also know he is in no pain and I found out today they are giving him some medication that has an amnesiac in it, so when/if he comes out of this, he won't even remember any of this, the length of time, people visiting him, the excruciating pain, nothing. If he comes out if it, he'll have missed a few weeks in his life that will be blank, but he will also have the chance to live longer... so that should cancel out the missed time he'll have.

I don't know, I still feel like I am babbling and not making sense, hopefully you'll get what I am saying...

And again, thank you all, for your support.


lisa24n7 said...

sending thoughts,prayers and bunches of hugs

DysFUNctional Mom said...

Just letting you know I'm still here, still praying, and hoping it all goes as well as possible.
Take care of yourself!