Monday Giveaway (On Tuesday!)

Monday Giveaway (though it's tuesday) is open. Check it out! Monday Giveaway

Flickr and Picasa...

Does anyone know how to transfer my pictures from Flickr, over to Picasa?
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I'm late in doing Monday Giveaway, so I'll be posting my latest giveaway tonight as soon as I figure out how to put my pictures on my computer from Flickr. Sorry about the delay, new dude gave me the flu or something this weekend and I slept all day yesterday.
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I have a stalker. A real life stalker, not a bloggyland one. The good thing is he doesn't know where I live, the bad thing is, someone (I'm pretty sure it wasn't me, since I usually don't give out my number... well this has been going on for a few months now and I never answer the phone to numbers I don't know, though I did answer it the first few times, making excuses why I can't talk to him. You would think that after 3 months of no response, he'd give up...but NOOOO, not MY luck. Last night he called me, no shit... 18 times, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!!!!! He's resorted to blocking his ID, which, Dude, if I'm not going to answer your PHONE number, why would you think I'd answer a blocked call... but it's escualted to some pretty nasty voicemails and has me a bit frazzled... I don't know what to do. I all sprint security and they can only block texts. I think I might have to file a police report, not something I really want to do... any suggestions? I've had the same number for 8 years and I'm not about changing it just some asshole things he can get to me... so I am up for suggestions!

Another night and sleep eludes me...

This isn't funny. I can't sleep. The Universe just has to do this to me, the night where all I want to do is sleep, so I don't go BACK to sleep after I take the girl to school at 6am, so I can go get my nails done, take her for a second interview at a job she really wants and grind my way through the market..

Of course, I have plans, cause I'm thinking after the market, I can take a nap and go play pool with new dude... OF COURSE that isn't going to happen, cause I won't sleep, then I'll sleep all day, except for the part where I take the girl to the interview and the 6am drive to school because she's too lazy to walk (oh she's walking to work, if she gets this job)

Instead of sleep, I have to read the blogs that make me laugh, cause on paper (or internet as it would be, I'm not too funny, I'm too serious, too esoteric, for some odd reason I'm even serious about the computer game I'm addicted to, Mobsters on myspace..shut up, sometimes I need to just whack someone...but hey I am funny in person! Which doesn't help me here) So, where was I? Oh yea.. Laughter is a good thing....I love to laugh.. I NEED to laugh what with everything that's been going on in my life this past year..

Now, though, tonight, I find myself thinking of throwing this damned computer out. It has grown a mind of it's own... I tried 3 or 4 times to leave someone a comment and it wouldn't let me (till I cursed it and threatened to put it outside with the wild Siberian husky of mine that's digging holes in the ground trying to escape to China)... and now?? It keeps pulling all this crap on me AGAIN, going to insert picture without me asking it and it's even gone as far as PUBLISHING THIS POST 2 TIMES BEFORE I WAS DONE WITH IT!!!!!

See?? It's somehow grown a brain of it's own, deciding what I can and can't do (it just published it again, for a 3rd time). Problem is, I type 100+ wpm and so I can't always catch what is happening, cause I don't look at the keyboard when I type or the screen, I'm off looking somewhere else (who knows, my eyes just wander all over the place as I type) and now I have to watch the screen cause it's doing what it wants when it wants and it's pissing me off!

Ok, just had to get that off my chest, off to try and get some shut eye.

Peace.

OMeffingGOD

I HATE my doctor, even though he put me back on the percacets since the lorotabs don't even touch the pain I am in by the end of the day...

Today he came in the little room I was in, waiting for the neck procedure and told me that he couldn't put me out because I move around too much??? WTF??? I MOVE AROUND TO MUCH WHEN I AM KNOCKED OUT WITH ANESTHESIA!!!!! wow.

I was awake for almost the whole thing last time, I REMEMBER IT HURT. Maybe that is why I moved around, it hurt, I was awake... and thus it was again...

Awake and this time crying cause it hurt so much. I come home and fall into bed and lay moaning and crying. I HATE THIS PROCEDURE. I wouldn't do it if I didn't have to, but it's suppose to help, so far it's only causing me more pain. One more time and then I'm done at least for another 6 months. I'm going to talk to him about other options as well.. like physical therapy??

I called new dude before going in for the procedure and he told me to call him when I got home.. all I could do was text him.. "I'm home" then he replies with "she's alive" which made me laugh, than a follow up call to me while I lay moaning and all he can do is laugh... jerk.

Last night 2 hours of texting back and forth during American Idol, something I rarely watch, though I tape it for some reason.. new dude was like a girl, with his comments back and forth to me during AI... had me laughing pretty hard actually.

Tomorrow, if I feel up to it, going to have my nails done, something I haven't done in a while and a pedicure. And I must get to the market, as there is no food in the house! And new dude said something about going out tomorrow night and playing some pool... Not sure if I'll be up to it, but it's really becoming nice having a friend to go out with, no pressure and he watches out for me, It's nice to be comfortable around someone that I can pretty much let loose and not worry about being judged... plus the first time we went out, we both agreed that they weren't dates, however if we go somewhere with each other, we don't flirt with others and we leave there together. I've found it rare to find a male or female friend that I can do with that, knowing I am protected (which I don't really need as I can pretty much hold my own) knowing that I won't be stabbed in the back, knowing I can be myself.. all of it is really nice... I hope that even if he finds a girlfriend or by some odd turn of events, I find a boyfriend, we can still remain friends like this.

Who knows.. oh the texting has begun and I just can't multitask tonight.

Peace.

Quick update...

Several people have asked me how I am and I've been remiss in responding. So, a few things going on here and there...

Had my band tightened today, have lost 70 pounds since Sept. Hope to get more motivated and begin exercising again soon, to lose more. Thinking (note, word is "thinking") about quitting smoking once I've lost 100 pounds.

New dude and I are going along happily oblivious to the fact that we have so much in common, yet haven't (and I have no plans on it) taken this to a higher level. Frankly, I don't want to ruin the friendship that we have, so I'm content with the way things are right now. Called me today to tell me how sick he was as he's hacking away, I had to ask him if he was raised by a Yiddish mother or grandmother, because he was reminding me of a spoiled little Jewish girl, to which he choked on his laughter. (Hey, I know, I grew up with a Yiddish great grandmother and a spoiled Jewish little sister!) So, it remains as it is. I did have to ask Glen though if he thought the reason men don't want to pursue a more than friendship relationship with me, was it because I am so independent? He said that probably that and the fact that I'm intelligent, not whining clingy needy...and that I'm pretty confident in my boundaries and who I let into my life most times. But I have a hard time understanding the part about not being clingy, whining and needy.. I always thought (and still do) that clingy whining needy was a turn off for men. I guess, I'm just so use to doing things on my own (or calling Glen to help) that it doesn't occur to me to be more "dependent" on the men in my life aside from Glen, who is my only friend with benefits.. oh wait, well, if Matt was in town I'd be doing him too (he's super yummy and we have a good time together, no matter what we do, even if it's just talking on the phone). Oy vey! Now I sound like some loose kinda woman! But, hey, if I can't sleep with my friends, who can I sleep with?

Dad had more surgery yesterday. 5 hours long. They replaced his pacemaker and the lead wires and he came out of it with flying colors! He was up and around a few hours after the surgery. I'm so in awe of him and the strength he has exhibited these last few months. They are talking about possibly letting him leave the hospital on Sunday (though he will have to remain in Phx/Scottsdale, for a while - his goal is to come back to Vegas by June 1st). He is doing so good and I am looking forward to his return home so that I can be of more help, see him more and so the kids are able to spend more time with him too. He's going to be pissed off though once he returns.... the two markets near his house have closed down and the pharmacy that we all go to closed it's doors today for the last time. Though all prescriptions have been transferred to Walgreens, which is right by the house too... there are no markets right around the corner from his place... other than the Super Walmart across the street from my house. I only live about 1/2 a mile or so from Dad, so he'll probably start going there. It's all just been so convenient for him for so long, now it won't be!

Tomorrow, I'll be out of commission again. More shots to the neck and I've also got a problem underneath my arms, a pinched nerve or something on both sides, if I lift them up, it hurts pretty bad.. it's been like that since the neck stuff last week. Must remember to tell the doctor tomorrow about this new thing. I wish my body felt more like I was in my 20's than like I'm in my 80's! Shoot, I'd probably settle to feel like I was in my 40's like I am... but must it feel like I'm 80+??

Still have the giveaway going on over at Monday Giveaway it's open till Saturday. Planning on sending out previous winners stuff on Monday, but best laid plans and all that... hopefully I can stick to my plans. Friday, if I'm feeling up to it, going to pick up New dude and go to the market... if he doesn't "die" before than! (his words, not mine!)

So, in a nutshell that is what has/is been going on in my world the last week or so..

What's going on in yours? Do share!

Peace.

A few changes

As you'll see, I've made a few changes to my regular blog. It just seemed to busy to me.

First I've added a copyright button, which actually does protect my work. Not that I post things others might want to steal, but one never knows WHAT I might put on my blog, so the entire thing is copyrighted. You can do the same, just click on the button over there and follow the instructions given to protect your musings.

I've also made a page dedicated to blog links that are specifically for Contests, Freebies, Coupons and other type of giveaways. You can find that at Freebie and Contest Blogs and you can the link over there --------> underneath my bloggyland blog roll call.

I've also become an affiliate for Dot Girls. I'm still not quite sure what all that entails or if I've put the button up the correct way, just that they asked and I obliged since I really like their products for moms and girls. (I don't have ads up, as I made a decision early on that this blog was not for making money, but again, I really like Dot Girls products and since I "think" I make money or something from being an affiliate, I've made an exception to my rule)

I've added a site meter! So, now I can spy.. err keep track of how much traffic my site actually gets. This will hopefully help me, as I continue to expand my Monday Giveaways to more and more unique and wonderful product reviews and giveaways.

Now, a question... Lee designed my background and when I click onto her button that is displayed here, the blog it use to go to is no longer there. Does anyone know Lee and/or what happened to her? I don't want to remove her button, because she does get the credit for designing my background, yet I also don't want a dead link either. So, if anyone knows what has happened to her or how I can reach her to see if she has a new place she wants me to link to, I'd really appreciate it. I'll wait a week or so and if we can't find her, then I'd like to clean up my blog a bit more and remove the button.

I think, that's all the changes I've made!

Contest entry: Frugal Mommy of 2

How weird the way some things happen. The boy has been sick the last few days and last night came into my room, asking if I would get him one of those "blanket things that has arms in it". I laughed and told him to go back to bed!

Then I'm reading through my blog list this morning and what do I find 3 blogs in?

Frugal Mommy of 2 giving away this Slanket Does the Universe have an odd sense of humor or what? I would so give this to the boy, in a gray color that is called, "Castlerock". And he would so enjoy getting this, especially since he exclaims everytime I buy anything, including food, how I never get him anything anywhere for any reason! (looks over at all the crap she got him yesterday at the closing of her favorite pharmacy/novelty store where everything is 50% and more off) Uhh.. yeah ok. I NEVER get him anything, as I pull out even more "stuff" that he didn't ask for and really doesn't need, yet will find ways to put most of it, if not all of it, to good use, but I NEVER think about him and get him things when shopping, so I got to watch him have a tantrum right here in my bedroom, while I show him what he got and what I got and what his sister got, though if he'd stop for a moment, he'd see that most the stuff is for him and which eventually sometime today he will finally semi-quietly take it out of my room and into his room, muttering still under his breath about how I never think of him, the spoiled mama's boy brat... dammit... oh wait, where was I?

Oh yeah, the slanket. Let me win, just so I can give it to him and not get a thank you, but instead get an attitude about how I never get/give him anything, because you know that's what I live for, day in and day out, because I'm such a bad mother, don'cha know..

Oh and go visit Frugal Mommy of 2, so you too can maybe win a slanket (and send it to me please), though it's totally mine, I called dibs on it first. I'm just saying.

Contest over at Michelle my belle

Michelle over at Michelle my belle, is having a fabulous giveaway.
Check it out at Goody Giveaway #5... It all looks MAH..VA..LES darhlinks!

Check out Monday Giveaway!

This week I am featuring a beautiful item from an Etsy shop. To see the item, a link to the Etsy shop and rules to enter, please visit Monday Giveaway

Good luck!

It's all going to my head!!

They like me, they really like me!

Belinda at Mommy World has also given me this award!
Think my head will explode? Nah, there's plenty of room up there... I haven't decided yet if I will list 8 more blogs I stalk, cause then that would give me away and they'd have to send ME the restraining orders and then I wouldn't be able to read them anymore, which would totally suck cause most times I live my life vicarously through them... Maybe later I'll figure out who to send out an olive branch in the form of this friend award..

I was wondering who I had to sleep with to get an award...

Turns out, I didn't! *grins* Leslie over at Live, Love, Laugh with Leslie gave me this award and I am VERY honored and flattered, as well as humbled that she would think of me.. Isn't it pretty!



Now it apparently comes with some rules, which I don't follow to well..but I'll do my best! "These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award."

So, now I have to give up at least 8 bloggers that I stalk..err uhh.. read, you can send the restraining orders to Leslie!

1) Annie over at writers and witches and words, Oh my! Annie has become a special friend, very supportive and always a kind word for me.
2) Lisa over at Awakening Write Now Lisa has also become a bloggyland friend, who always has a postive thing to say to me, like Annie, she consitently has a kind word to say.
3)Yaya over at Yaya Stuff Yaya is an awesome person, who while she has her own trials and tribulations, she also always has a kind word for me. I'm rooting for her while she goes through the process of adoption and am looking forward to watching her journey to become a mom, which btw I think she will make an excellent one!
4)Joe over at Joe in and around Las Vegas. Joe and I live in the same city, yet have never met. I love to read his blog, as he blogs about all things Vegas and his beautiful granddaughter. Maybe one day we shall meet!

The next ones, are the blogs that I enjoy stalking...uhh reading, they make me laugh, sometimes cry and even make me think, which lately hasn't been so easy! Shut up, I've been sick.
5)Searching for a new tomorrow The girl you don't bring Mamma home to. She consistently cracks me up and while she is in Vegas this week for a bachlorette party and I don't get to meet her (maybe one day) I won't hold that against her. I really love to read her blog.
6)A mountain to high I've gone all the way back to the beginning on this special ladys blog (I don't even think I've left her a comment, I just found her somewhere and have been reading her journey). She is the epitome of strength, love and compassion as she walks a path I would not wish on anyone. Read her, send her some comment love and supportive.
7)Kevin over at Always home and UncoolKevin will crack you up with his stories of that which happens around the Uncool family and outside of it.
8)Although this one doesn't know that I read her blog My Life Interrupted it's another one that I went back and read most all of it. Her story is insipiring and the love she has for her family is particulary awesome.

My blog list runs over 100 and it was NOT easy to pick through it, as I enjoy everyone I read... I could list a ton more, but I am following the directions!

A very special thank you to Leslie for this beautiful award! I am honored you choose me to give this to and will post it over there -----> as soon as possible!

Go on and leave some bloggy love comments! Now to figure how to let these people know I've sent them an award...
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Tomorrow, I hope to begin my Monday Giveaways again. I've got a few things lined up, however, if anyone has any ideas to get more donations, or perhaps you have a donation that you'd like reviewed and given away, I would most appreciate it. I also hope to get back on track on my regular posting of prolificating mundaness (is that a word??)

Happy Sunday night everyone!

Checking in, before passing out...

Minor surgery on neck today, awake for whole thing screaming it hurt and then poof I was out. But, man for those first few minutes, it freaking hurt. NEED MORE ANESTHISIA DAMMIT KNOCK MY ASS OUT! Lost another 10 pounds since weighed last week. Less weight, still need lots of drugs to put me out, gah.

Joe: Taco stand in back of Cantina on Charleston and 28th. New dude is threatening to run it down in his car, I'll be across the street laughing my ass off, as soon as both of us can freaking leave the house without having to puke or other lovely things that comes with food posioning, though I'm not so feeling that anymore, he is, but he DID eat his taco and half of mine, which he reminded me of before my going under the needles today, to which I could only laugh and he hung up on me! Called later on, but I couldn't string a sentence together.. so he laughed at me. Paybacks a bitch.

Ok, going to miss my shows, but time for me to pass out again.

Lifting my head up again...

Belinda over at Mommy world is having a candle giveaway as a present to herself for her birthday! Go check her out and leave her some comment love!

Ok, back to laying down. Figured out what the problem must be... New dude in my life (for a few weeks now we've been seeing each other, but it looks like we are desitined to be really good friends, which is cool with me, he makes me laugh till my stomach hurts) anyhoo... he's not feeling so good today either and yesterday him and I ate a taco from the back of this little mexican place, well I ate half of it, he ate the rest of mine and his... and we are paying for it today! Never again!

Alright, go check out Belinda's contest and Leslie's contest that I blogged below. They each have a few ways to get entered.. enjoy!

I've been SO remiss..

Actually, I've been pretty sick. Left a few comments on a few blogs, but really haven't had the energy to lift my head up and post on my own blog. Not sure what is wrong with me, all I do is sleep and throw up.. go me. Am having the hardest time keeping food down I imagine that is part of my weakness problem.. tomorrow I am completely out of commission due to a procedure I have to have done on my neck for the next 3 Thursdays actually.. yuck
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I didn't have my Monday giveaway, but if you go to live,love,laugh with leslie Leslie is giving away a partylite candle or some tealights, that should make up for mine being nonisistent this week...
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I do still have a book up on Monday Giveaway for those of you with children you might be interested in it, I haven't closed it down, but wil hopefully feel well enough to do so this Saturday.
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Skoys haven't been sent out yet, sorry. Will do asap.

That's it.. back to my head on the pillow with my eyes closed!

On the News...

Las Vegas, NV is in last place when it comes to collecting child support. Ya think?

The girls dad, who lives somewhere in California, owes me 21G's in back child support. They've yet to collect a dime from him.

The boys father owes me 47G's in back child support. I go every three months to court to see what's happening. The last time I went, he wasn't there, claiming that he had moved to NY (which is where he is from). And he was getting SSI, but it's illegal to garnish wages from SSI.. he is supposedly trying to get Disability, which CAN be garnished...plus the boy would get a check for himself from his fathers disability. So, we'd get one check for him that way and I would also get money from his dad's actual disability check, however he hasn't been trying to get disability, because he doesn't want to pay any child support. The time before last, the judge pissed me off so bad. She took 13G's off of his back child support, because it was a "hardship for him".. A HARDSHIP FOR HIM?????????? I said, as angry as I could get without being too disrespectful to the judge and landing in jail...

"What about the last 13 years that I've raised the child alone without any financial help" "Is that not a hardship for me??" The judge responded with, "Looks like you've done just fine all this time without help". I was stunned, kind of took a step backwards and wanted to cry...

"Excuse me Ma'am, but just because I've put clothes on his back, food in his belly and a roof over his head, doesn't mean that we've done just fine" "As a matter of fact, more often than not we go without things that are needed, not wanted, but needed, because I live on a fixed income, how is that doing just fine?"

She refused to respond and went about her business stopping the child support and removing the 13G's. I was so pissed, not just at her, but at him too. He kept repeating that the boy wasn't his (and lo and behold, last time at court, I found out that he has another child after mine and is also claiming that the child isn't his). He signed a paternity paper when the boy was 2 months old (can't put the fathers name on the BC in NV if you aren't married, have to sign a paternity paper or take a test) so he signed the paper, knowing full well the boy was his, after court that one time, I waited for him and told him that I would pay for a freaking paternity test if he was so sure the boy wasn't his and then he would have the proof staring him in the face, showing him that he is most definately the boys father. I gave him my number and he never called. Asshole.

See, my picker of men is broken. Or it was for so long.. I think it may still be. They may be nicer men now, but they all seem to be emotionally unavailable. Men my age, men older than me and even those younger than me. Jerks.

Urgh!

So I asked the question..

Me: So do you have a girlfriend up there?
Dude: No. No one in my life right now.
Me: Ok.

Was taking a long time to respond to my IM's, so I asked him if I should leave him alone, since it seemed he was busy..

Dude: No. Just distracted. Filling out form for new passport.
Me: You going overseas?
Dude: Thinking about going to camean (spelled wrong by him)islands for a diving vacation.
Me: *as the air goes out of my body and I sort of slump over* Oh. Sounds nice.
Dude: Not busy at the shop right now, going to put a sign up by appointment only. Thinking since my surgery, that life is too short, time for adventures. (not verbatim on this one, but close enough)
Me: I'm sure you'll have fun.

And from there, the conversation pretty much ended for about 5 minutes..

Dude: Need to go to bed, have to be up at 5am. There's something I want us to do next visit. (again, not verbatim, I've taken out the actual "thing" to keep some of my privacy and his)
Me: Ok, goodnight.
Dude: Night baby.

My mind is going a mile a minute. Just told me that you are going on a diving vacation, but you can't come see me because of work all the time and the shop being busy, can't go there, because you don't bring women home with your 17 year old there (who btw is at his girlfriends house more often than not)

I believe him when he says that he hasn't anyone in his life up there. Yet, regardless of the fact that he contacts me, I never make the initiative to contact him, perhaps he's just not that into me. Though it wouldn't be difficult to get me out of his life, just tell me or even quit contacting me. I'm not a fool, I don't chase men and if someone doesn't want me in their lives, they simply need to just say so. It's all really simple and not messy at all. That's why I had such a hard time with Joe. He needed to lie about his pulling away from me, rather than telling me the truth... and once you know me, even for a short time, you can tell right away that I'm not needy clingy and pretty independent. I rarely ask for anything from any man in my life, well that doesn't include Glen, but that's a different relationship than any others, we give and take to and from each other all the time.

Just be honest. My feelings might get hurt, but more than likely they won't. Shit, if someone doesn't want to be with me, I can't make them. I learned that in my early 20's for cripes sake.

See, always on the edge of insanity.

Back in the game!

Ahh, seems like tons of stress has been lifted off my shoulders, by both having things taken care of and this odd sense of peace that continues to fill my being, even when there appears to be chaos all over...

So, my bloggyland friend and supporter Annie, over at writers and witches and words, oh my! is having a Super Awesome Spring giveaway! She puts 13 items that are essential for spring in a basket and gives it away to one of her lucky readers. Even if you aren't interested in the giveaway, you should check her blog out. The peace, the calmness her compassionate and loving soul shines through on her blog, in every post I've read and every comment she has ever left for me.

Check her out. I'm pretty sure you'll enjoy her as much as I do.

Out of ICU and on the road to recovery....

Wow, talk about determined and strong minded/willed! Dad is out of ICU in less time than they had originally said he would be there.. like 2 weeks sooner! He's tired, sounds tired when I talk to him, but that's to be expected.

Physical therapy every day, painkillers to keep him out of the bad pain and able to do the physical therapy. He is SO determined to be up here for the girls high school graduation, I think he may be pushing himself harder than perhaps he would be if not for that. But, that is the price he is willing to pay, in order to be here for the graduation and the birth of his first great grandchild!

The doctors, nurses and other caretakers at the Mayo Clinic in Scottsdale, Arizona are incredible. Kind, compassionate, loving... just all around wonderful people. There's been only one nurse that has given him trouble (which was before his surgery) and she was promptly removed from taking care of him. Everyone else is awesome and while in the beginning I was upset and nervous that he was there and not at UCLA in California where they do far more heart transplants than anyone in the country (this was while he was still on the UNOS list for a heart) I don't feel that way anymore and have realized he was and is in the best place he needed to be, for what needed to be done.

A thank you card will be sent this week, to the staff on the fourth floor west wing of the Mayo Clinic. I firmly believe that they are as responsible for keeping him going and getting him through the hard times, as his own determination to get healthy has been. I would recommend this hospital to anyone.

Now, as I mentioned in an email to someone, I wish someone would beam me back to my life before all this, so I can get back to the things that are important... like cleaning my house, feeding my kids, blogging, reading blogs, Monday giveaways... heh and as I mentioned in that email... not necessarily in that order either! My life however, is forever changed, by the experiences that have come my way in the last few months and the growth I have felt within me is tremendous. For this, I am grateful...

Ok, now to finally put my new computer together. I've decided to keep it and use the old one for parts.
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Oh and real quick... I received a phone call from what I can only assume to have been a bill collector. I normally do not answer my phone if I don't recognize the number, but it was an Arizona number, so I answered it (sometimes, my sister or aunt don't charge their phone batteries and will call me from another number in AZ). The person asked for me and I asked, who's calling please. They said, what? I said, who is calling please, they repeated the what part and I said, WHO IS THIS, a bit louder than my usual raspy type of a whisper voice and they said...

"Wow, you have a bad attitude" and promptly hung up on me! Guess it wasn't all that important of a call! Now we know one of the reasons I don't answer the phone if I don't know the number!!

Never crossed my mind...

It's been brought to my attention that perhaps Minden Dude has a wife or a girlfriend.. perhaps explaining why he doesn't "really" want me to come up there.

It never crossed my mind that this could be the case. The weekend he spent down here, we were apart for a total of 2 hours and that was only because I wanted to take a nap rather than go with him to look at a gun he wanted to buy. His phone never rang once, though he could possibly have had it on vibrate and I wouldn't have noticed it.

He does call me, has called me without my asking. We aren't usually in contact over the weekends and it is late when he connects with me online. This is explained with, he works till 9, stops at his shop to get his laptop, making it close to about 930-945 when he is online. And I'm not home much on weekends, at least in the evenings. He has shown my picture to his biker brothers, at least thats what he says.

I don't feel in my gut like he may have a wife, in fact I'm pretty sure he doesn't have a wife. But, I suppose he could have a girlfriend, though I don't feel like he does within my gut either.. however, it's not an impossible thing and so, next time I talk to him, I am going to ask. Can't find out if I don't ask, right?

Still haven't set up my computer. The repair place called and told me that this is a common thing for HP's and that if I called them, they might replace the motherboard on my computer for next to nothing. So, I'm a bit torn on this. Do I take the new computer back or do I keep it. I'm pretty excited about it actually, it has a webcam built into it and well, I really like it. I might be able to use the HP screen to fix the boys screen on his laptop that he broke. And Minden dude said that we can use it for parts too... I have a 4th laptop, an old Dell that isn't working too... so I need to think on this for a bit.

I really want to just get back into my groove. Cleaning my house, doing my Monday Giveaways... which reminds me, the addresses for the winners of the Skoys are lost on the old computer, so if you are reading this and were one of the winners, please remail me your addresses at wisprnsoul@cox.net

New Computer!!

I bought a cool computer today. Fujitsu I believe is the name. I can't wait to take it out of the box and get it all hooked up. I can even connect it to my TV if I want to! I've got to purchase this special thing that will allow me to pull the hard drive out of my HP and hook it up to the new computer and retrieve the things I need from it. The last ever taken pictures of my grandma, my writings, other pictures too.

I've got two tower computers in the garage, now that I think about it, that have a ton of stuff that I want too... the piece that I need is only 30$. I forgot to get it today.

Tomorrow, I'm going to put my new computer up and running! My daughter has been so good to allow me to use hers for all this time.

Life as it is, not as I think it should be...

That's a difficult thought to keep holding on to. Accepting that my life is right where it's supposed to be, even though I would rather it be different. How different my life would have been, had I made a right turn one day, instead of making that left turn. Or maybe I should have made a U-Turn.... But I didn't make a left turn and I didn't make a U-Turn, I made a right turn.

And it took me on the journey that is called, My Life. No destination in sight, never has been if I really think about it and am honest within myself.

At 44, I am still finding myself. I am still learning about the person that I am, a continuous evolving into the person I become, each day. Authentic. Pure. There are days I need to remind myself of these things, that I am a good person, I've done the best I could do with my children, learning how to be a parent while being a parent hasn't been the easy way, but it's been my way and it's the way it's supposed to be - or it would be different. I think that it really is just that simple.

I joke, that I'm on the edge of insanity, but the truth is... I AM on the edge of insanity. And knowing it, embracing it, accepting it, LIVING it is the way it is. Just being. Do I wish that I didn't have a mental illness that could and has caused me to want to end it all, more than once? Sure, but I won't live with regrets and if I wasn't on that edge, I wouldn't be the person I am today... or the person I will be when it is my time to go.

Can't live with regrets, a waste of energy, precious energy that can be used for more productive outlets. That's not to say that occassionally my head thinks of those, shoulda, coulda, woulda stuff, but I've grown so much lately that when those thoughts pop up in my head, I've become able to quickly remove them from my head. In my heart, I don't have any regrets for any of the things I've done in my life. Maybe I could have done better, but then if I HAD, who would I be today?

Somewhere in the last few months, perhaps years, I've found some semblence of peace and acceptance within me, about me, sometimes I lose it, getting caught up in others drama (including my kids), but lately more often than not I've begun to know me and like me....

Or maybe it's just that I've lost 74 pounds since Sept 08. And people notice it and make comments about it. Heh. I'm not that vain, well, maybe I am. Ha!

Life is no longer in the fast lane, but it remains on the edge of insanity. And I'm cool with that. Today.

Quickly, so I can go finish making dinner and catch up on blog reading...

Motherboard is fried in my year and a half old laptop. A bit over 750$ to fix it, much more than what I paid for it on Black Friday.

Tomorrow, I go to the electronics store and find a new one, refurbished one for less than it would cost to fix mine. Sadly, all my pictures, writings and the beginnings of my book are gone forever. I will be picking up a few packages of CD ROMS discs and begin backing everything up at night from now on. I'm hoping that I may be able to get it to work long enough to capture some of my important stuff on the CDs from the old computer, even if I have to keep doing it. Or, perhaps I will pay the 129$ for them to take the hard drive out and transfer the stuff I need to the new computer.

Minden Dude is the one that suggested I look at Fry's electronics and see if they had refurbished ones and I listened and found a few online that I can find in the store. I'd love to get a Sony Viao, since Sony is my favorite name brand. I've an awesome Sony Digital camera, but I couldn't find a refurbished one online, maybe they will have one in the store, fingers crossed!

Off to make dinner, then catch up as best I can on my favorite people to see how they are all doing, check in with them and hope that all is well in their part of the world.

Just another day on the edge of insanity... just don't push me!

Urgh!

I took my computer in yesterday and am waiting for the quote. It could be the motherboard... well the video card that is attached to the motherboard (laptops are like that, desktops you can switch out the video card, which would be less expensive)It could run me 350$ to fix it... I got an email from Sony products (which happen to be my favorite products)and they are having a sale on a notebook computer, 2GBs and a few other interesting things in it, I believe the cost is 1470$ minus 330$ just for today. It would wipe my savings out, especially after that last trip to Phx, but I am contemplating it. I just don't know how to get the stuff on my HP transfered to a new laptop... I've got a few chapters of the book I am writing and tons of photos... so I doubt I'll be going that route, though it is tempting.
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I've lost my brain somewhere. I misread the date on a disconnect notice for my gas and they shut me off yesterday! I didn't know until I went to make dinner and my broiler wouldn't start. Called Glen to see if he could light the pilot light for me and then I tried to turn on the top burner to fry the porkchops (I never fry food, but it was a no choice thing)and the burner wouldn't light, nor would the pilot on the top of the stove. Then I realized that the gas was shut off. It's so cold in my house right now, I can't even get out of bed, as my entire body hurts from the cold. It's painful to even type. They are supposed to come and turn it back on today, since I paid the bill over the phone. They didn't need to go into the backyard or even come into the house to turn it off, but for some reason they have to come in the house and the backyard to turn it back on... urgh.
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When to my pain management doctor yesterday. He switched my painkillers, a less strong one, because the percacets are no longer working as they should, so he thought that switching them would help. But, instead of taking one, I have to take 2 to even take the edge off the pain. He checked my reflexes in my hands and elbows and I have none, no jerking when hit with that rubber thing on either of my hands or arms. My neck has deterioated from when we were rear ended. He has me referred to a nerologist and next week I begin a 3 week regiment of 3 shots in my neck, once a week for those 3 weeks. Have to find someone to take me and pick me up. God bless Glen for being my best friend, he'll take me and pick me up next week, taking off work early to do so. The next 2 weeks though it is too early for him, so I have to find someone else, not an easy task, being that I don't have as many friends as I do fingers.. yeah, there's this trust issue I tend to have with people, which leaves me lacking in face to face friendships. Most the women that I meet have qualities and characteristics that I just don't tolerate.. lying, competing, backstabbing, gossiping and other things that I find distasteful in people. I'll figure something out though. I do have a few people that I may be able to count on - I just really hate relying on others, especially for something like this, since I'll be put to sleep and it takes me hours to fully come out of it, so complete trust is needed, that they will pick me up, walk me to my bed and help me in it so I can pass back out for a few hours.
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Speaking of my neck. Lawyer called the other day and settled with the kid who hit me, insurance company. Of course he had the lowest amount of coverage that he could have, so like when I broke my foot at the hotel, I'll get screwed again on the settlement and just like my foot, I'll be in chronic pain the rest of my life. But, my lawyer is also going to settle with the insurance company that I had at that time and since I drive a 2 year old Jeep, I've got the max that you can get. Somehow he is going after the insurance company for "uninsured motorist". I have no idea what that'll be, I can't recall the amount I had. The girl finally gets to go in and see my doctor for her neck and shoulder pain, tomorrow, from the same accident. Lawyer will settle with both insurance companies for her too, as soon as she begins treatment. So she'll have some money for college.
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Finally realized that I have "losers only" tattooed on my forehead. Had a date Saturday night, nice guy but has nothing going on for him. Has a few DUI's so he has no license, which required me to drive everywhere. Minden dude is still in contact. I mentioned that maybe I could fly up there during spring break for a few days and he said that he doesn't bring women home because of his 17 year old boy. I understand that to a certain point. When my kids were younger I didn't date really at all and never had men in and out of their lives, however, this boy is 17, Minden dude seeked me out, so I'm a bit confused. He contacts me all the time, I don't initiate contact and because he continues to contact me through emails and the phone, I would have thought he would want me to come and see him. So, who knows what will happen with him.
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I weighed in at the pain doctor yesterday and lost 21 pounds this past month, bringing my weight loss to a total of 74 pounds since Sept to much stress this past month, I think that is why I wasn't holding food down at all. I was able to eat last night without throwing up, which was a welcome relief. Been working out on the Wii Fit, this past week, but it's just too damn cold to get out of my bed today.
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So there's the catch up for now! I miss my bloggyland friends and am going to try to catch up on some blog reading a little bit later, but know that you are all in my thoughts and I'm hoping that you are all doing well and I also still need to send out the Skoys, I promise to get them out as soon as I can.

This was longer than I had intended, have had to stop a few times and rub my hands together to warm them up! Urgh!

More another time!

Quick note

Computer still not working...


But on a happy note, dad called my cell tonight and I was able to speak to him and he spoke to me. Not for too long, as he is still very tired and there's pain, but just the short time that I spoke to him was wonderful.

Thank you for all your prayers and positive thoughts sent to him.

Hope to get computer fixed this week! So much to catch up on!

Dont worry, but I wont be able to write for awhile...

My computer has died, on my daughters computer now, not sure when I can get it fixed. I think it's the video card, but not sure.

See you all on the flip side!

Welcome

I've noticed that I have gained some readers! How awesome is that?

Welcome to my new readers, I hope you enjoy my ramblings and such, even leave a comment or two... if you let me know who you are, I can then follow you too.

Welcome again, enjoy the ride!

This blog

When I began this blog, I certainly had no thoughts that it would turn out to be, what it has been. I didn't expect others to read me, well, ok maybe a few people, though I had no clue how they would find me.

I didn't set out to make money from it, as you can see there are no actual ad's on my site. I needed a place to document my life, for my kids, my grandkids etc. I intend eventually to print everything out, plus go through the other blog I use to post on and my diaries from the age of 11 that are all written down and either somehow put them in a type of book for those of my family who have not lived my life.

I really thought I would hold back a bit, but have found that this blog has become one of heart hurt, soul searching and trying to find who I really am. Thankfully, I've never been one to be shy or concerned what others think of me, or some of the stuff I've written would have been censored and that is the last thing I want to do.

I'm not witty, but I can make a joke when needed, I'm not school smart, but I could survive on the streets if need be. I don't draw people in like some blogs, in order to make money (they will remain nameless though I'm sure most know who I am talking about) I do this for me and if you have come along for the ride, well God bless you and thank you from the bottom of my heart. It's been one roller coaster after another, yet I still seem to find the end of the tunnel, somehow..

I didn't set out to do giveaways and product reviews, but for some reason that's what I am doing and I really like doing it.

I certainly didn't think I would be sharing some of my biggest fears here, but I've also shared some of my biggest hopes as well.

I have no idea if anyone gets anything from my writings, if they help others or even if I am always being as insitful as I could be.

This blog has turned out to be my actual lifeline, due to a few people here that are consistently there, by my side, cheering me on...

No matter where this blog goes from now, no matter what happens, you all must be thanked and know that your support has kept me from walking off that edge of insanity.

Thank you.

This truly is, life, in the fast lane.

Wordled Again

JoeInVegas made me a new updated Wordle! I love these wordle things...

Now that we've Wordled twice Joe, maybe it would be proper to have coffee or something now? Thanks again Joe!

And, it beats

The right side began beating. A lot of bleeding, so they went back in 45 minutes later and got that under control.

He remains with his chest open, for about a week to monitor the heart, but I'm told it all looks good and with lots of work, he should be able to return home in about 6 months and resume his life again.

What a weight lifted off my shoulders, a feeling of hope has returned.

Thank you to all of you for your support.

Wordle

JoeInVegas, (I can't get the link to his blog to work for me right now) sent me my Wordle last week. It's changed since then, but I really like it and couldn't figure out to get it before, I doubt were I to do it again, that I could figure it out.

Thanks Joe!

Thank you

Thank you, thank you, thank you... to all of you for your comments, for your love, cyber hugs and support. Thank you.

I am currently waiting for the phone call. He was scheduled today as a "to follow" which means that after the surgeries were done today, he would follow. They thought about 4pm, which means if he went in around then it's been about 2 hours. IF the heart starts on it's own, then it will take longer than if it doesn't... I've also learned that if the heart starts beating on it's own, he will still be in the trauma room, chest opened up, for about a week in order to clean up any bleeding that may happen.

I've not quite reach the point of acceptance. My head intellectually knows and accept that these next few weeks or sooner, could be my fathers last on the earth. And if it is, I know that my grandmother and grandfather, his mom and dad, will be there to greet him and be with him. However, my heart won't follow my mind. It refuses to accept it. This for my own heart hurt. I know there are other ways for our hearts to feel like they hurt, but for me it's rare that I can feel heart hurt, probably because I never let anyone close to me.. face it, I'm damaged goods and until my own heart heals, becomes one with my mind, I won't let anyone in and I won't be able to accept my fathers mortality... the chance that he will never wake up again from that table. He wouldn't want me to neglect my life or the kids, but how can I really move on in my life when first all I really think about is him and second, having gotten closer to him these last months a father daughter relationship that is pretty much where I have always wanted it to be, how can I let go of that just yet?

This will be the hardest decision my stepmother will have to make in her entire life. I don't envy her, I don't like her either, but I do feel for her. How can you decide to pull the plug on the man you have been married to for over 30 years and love and then watch as he draws his last breath. I don't know that I could do it, regardless if it was his choice or not. I know the doctors are keeping him alive right now with the machines. I also know he is in no pain and I found out today they are giving him some medication that has an amnesiac in it, so when/if he comes out of this, he won't even remember any of this, the length of time, people visiting him, the excruciating pain, nothing. If he comes out if it, he'll have missed a few weeks in his life that will be blank, but he will also have the chance to live longer... so that should cancel out the missed time he'll have.

I don't know, I still feel like I am babbling and not making sense, hopefully you'll get what I am saying...

And again, thank you all, for your support.

A decision and more....

About 15 minutes ago I spoke to my Aunt. I had been given wrong information again. The right side of his heart is NOT as healthy as I had been led to believe. Today, they take him to surgery to disconnect the RVAD and hope that the right side starts up again.

My fathers wishes are to NOT have a double VAD, he does not want to remain in the hospital for the rest of his life, which could be up to 10 years with a double VAD.

The decision: 3 to 4 weeks. That is the time limit discussed with my stepmother. If the right side does not start up on it's own, she will give the okay and they will remove him from the machines to die. They will only keep him alive by machines, if that becomes the decision, long enough for me and the kids to get down there. I'm just not sure that I want to see him like that or have my kids see him like that, a lasting memory, one that will never be erased. I know this from my own experience with the last memory of my beloved Papa, me waving to him from a hospital window (I was too young to go in back then) and him waving back, all the machines and stuff. He passed a day later. So, I have a choice to make, one I really hope that I don't have to make.
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I'm not doing Giveaway Monday this week. I'm going to try to start again next Monday. Those of you who won the Skoy's, please be patient, I will try to get them out this week.

Holy crap!

First off, let me apologize to anyone that reads this blog for my post yesterday. I've found the lately I am not able to put things in words without a ton of babbling and apparently after rereading my entry yesterday, the ability to communicate with proper grammar has flown out the window as well. I could blame it on the lack of sleep I have had in the last few days, about 6 hours since Thursday night and I was exhausted, finally sleeping all night till 7am this morning. But, I rarely write anything that I don't reread and check for mistakes, yesterdays post was one of the rare ones, yuck.

I would also like to thank you, those of you know who you are, for constantly and consitently being "here" for me. For sending me loving and supportive emails throughout this entire ordeal. You have been my pillars of strength and I've never even seen you face to face!

The words above seem inadequate but it is the best I can do at this time. I am enternally grateful for the support and hope that I can pay it back or pay it forward one day when the day comes. Thank you.

Peace

Quick update at least it was suppose to be.

It's 6am and once again a restless night with no sleep.

We returned from Phx on Thursday, I simply haven't had the energy to write. I've been trying to absorb all that has happened in just a few short days.

My fathers surgery was Thursday, the night before he asked me while him and I were alone for a short time to take the kids back home. So on Thursday morning at 5am Phx time, 4am Vegas time, the kids and I packed up the car and headed to the hospital before his scheduled prep time of 6am. It was very important to me to see him before he went into surgery. He was in good spirits, well as best as he could be considering and I had 5 minutes with him before he was taken downstairs, because they came early to get him.

The rest of the family arrived at about 545am to 6am. As well as his two best friends in the world. My daughter was itching to leave and bitching about getting home, something she'd done all week, which added stress to an already overloaded stressful week. We'd had a huge blow out the day before and both of us said horrible things to each other. I as the mother should have had far more self control than I exhibited and yet it seem that all the fear, anger, worry, stress just stream out of my mouth in ugly ugly words to her. And she was ugly back. When I calmed down, I apologized and let her know that I loved her. It wasn't the first fight we'd had while there, but it was the worse. My son and I also fought. I really believe we were on complete stress overload.

I went back to where they were prepping him for surgery and had another 5 minutes with him, enough to let him know that I loved him very much and that I was doing as he asked and taking the kids home. It was very difficult to leave, his surgery began at 930am and I headed back to Vegas at 10am with promises from my sister, my aunt and a few others there, that I would get phone calls every hour.

We made good time home. Instead of going through Hoover Dam and taking the chance of being stuck in any sort of traffic as I have had happen every time I take that route, I headed off to Laughlin and made my way through there which was a much better drive, even with the extra 28 miles out of my way. I wasn't paying attention much, mostly crying the entire way home and just this side of Laughlin, I was pulled over for going 85 in a 55 speed limit work zone. Man, that was going to hurt. He came to my window and I was already crying, so I just spurted out what was going on with my father while my daughter was looking for my proof of insurance. And at just that time my aunt phoned, so I had to tell him it was them with my first update and could I answer it. He gave me the ok, already had my license and went to his car to do whatever it is they do...

I was told that they successfully completed the small bypass artery and had repaired the leaky value on the right side of Dads heart and were beginning the LVAD procedure. Luck was on my side, rather than a speeding ticket, I was given one for no proof of insurance because I couldn't find my current card and so it's a quick fix it ticket. He said to make sure I went the speed limit, because there were many police out on the road right now and to drive careful and then he said, I hope your father is alright.

The next call I got was again from my Aunt. Details are fuzzy because I think I went into shock and I'm sure that the folks in California could hear my wails all the way from Vegas. The only thing I heard was that Daddy was in a coma. I promptly lost complete control over myself and my daughter freaked out saying I hated her because she wouldn't let me stay for the surgery and now he was going to die and blah blah blah. So as I cried, I followed her into her room, sat on her bed held her tight and told her that I loved her, she was my girl and I didn't blame her for anything, that her Papa had told me to bring her and her brother home today, otherwise I would have stayed. After all, I am the parent and had I not wanted to leave (which I didn't, but I needed to honor his what could be last request) I would have stayed, but it was more important to me to honor my fathers request, so she was certainly not to blame.

A few hours later, after calming down a bit, I received more information. I probably had been told already, however, the coma part of the information given to me blocked everything else out.

So, here's the deal. The left side of my fathers heart was completely dead and the right side of his heart had been doing all the work for a very long time. They implanted the LVAD into the left side and the left side began to beat, as it should. And, this is the only way I can really explain this...

The right side of his heart decided to that it had a mind of it's own all of the sudden and simply shut down, like saying.. Damn finally, I've done all the work for so long and I am tired and wore out and now that you, left side are beating, I'm taking a rest. They could not get the right side to start pumping again and had to place a temporary RVAD in so that it would beat. It was tired and needed to rest and heal and just made the decision on it's own. They left dads chest opened, covered with protective covering that is clear so they could watch for bleeding, and placed him into a medical induced coma, to keep him from feeling any pain and so they left his chest open so that they could go in again in time, without having to open him up again, which he would definetly not survive.

As told to me, the right side of his heart was tired and taking a break. IF they were to have placed the RVAD in the chamber, it would be a double VAD and I recall the doctors telling us that double VADS never leave the hospital, though they can live 5 or more years, they do it in the hospital. Thus, placing it in a temporary position for now.

On Saturday, his eyes popped open and the nurses asked him if he was in pain, to which he nodded his head and they put him back in the coma. I believe that his brain is telling him that he is not ready to die and is causing his eyes to open 3 times now and allowing him to nod his head yes and then close his eyes again. He's fighting it, his brain is, though the right side of his heart is still being difficult. I am also told that if they do not keep him in the coma, he could wake up in horrible pain, alert and see that his chest is wide open and that could cause him to have a massive heart attack just from the fear. So when he wakes up the few times he has, it's his brain saying, Hey, I'm still alive, don't count me out yet, but I have no idea what is going on around me or with me other than the very real fact that I fucking hurt. (I'm fairly certain if he COULD talk, that those would be his exact words.)

I get calls letting me know he is still hanging in there. On Monday, they are going to disconnect the RVAD wire and see if the right side of his heart has healed and rested enough to begin beating again. This was all anticipated, however only my father and his wife knew that this may happen, it was not shared with the rest of us and frankly I think it should have been and then it would have been less of a shock on the rest of us, but for whatever their reasons they decided not to tell us all the stuff that could or would go on with this surgery. I'm sure my stepmother made that decision, a very selfish one really, but what's done is done.

Now, if the right side does not start on it's own Monday, they will try again in 3 days and keep doing that for about 3 weeks, which means he will be completely out of it for at least 3 days. I think his right side will need about a week to recover from pumping so hard for both sides of his heart and then get a mind of it's own again and say, oh hey there left side, long time no see, here, let me help you now, I am feeling much better now. And then they will close him up and bring him out of the coma, but he will remain pretty doped up for quite a while, to keep him from having to feel the unbearable pain that comes with open heart surgery. He knows what type of pain to expect, he's already had a triple bypass, but he was 40 then and much stronger than he is now at 65. The last months, he just deteriorated pretty badly and began looking more like a man who was in his 70's as opposed to his real age.

My father does not want to be hooked up to any machines and I know that if they must place the RVAD in permanently, causing him to have to remain in the hospital for the rest of his life, he will do one of two things... slowly fade away from depression until he simply dies from the lack of will to live or quickly die, from giving up.

My stepmother did ask the doctor when they finally came out and explained the right side of the heart and the temp RVAD thing, if he was going to die and the doctor was very positive and adamant that no, he would not die. But, I know that if the right side does not begin to beat on it's own and the RVAD becomes permanent, he won't last long at all. He hates being in the hospital and he has goals for the next few months.... Attending my daughters, his only granddaughters graduation in June (he won't be ready to come home yet, but they have told him if all goes well, they would probably give him a 2 day pass to come up here for the graduation) and he wants to meet his great grandchild, my oldest boy and his beautiful wives first child (and my first grandchild) that is due to be born late Sept, early Oct. He is as excited about this new baby as I am and if all is good, he'll already be home in Vegas by then, though I doubt he will travel to California like I will to see the baby, opting instead to wait for my son to bring the baby here, which I have been told will be quite often.

So, there it all is. Well, not all of it, but Dad part. I have a really strong feeling within me that it may take a couple of tries, but the right side of his heart will eventually say, Oh hey, hows it going left side, long time no see, here, let me beat with you and become one healthy heart. It just may take it a bit to heal and rest, it's been working so hard to keep him alive for so long, it's just tired. So let it rest and heal and it will begin to help the left side, all on it's own, since it is healthy other than being tired of working so hard.

So much more is happening with me, I've just been lacking any sort of energy to do anything. I am hoping by tomorrow I will regain some of my strength that has been sucked out of me from those 6 days in Phx cramped in a little motel room with my two kids with no place to get some alone time, which all three of us need and are able to get when we are home by retreating to our own rooms. We simply aren't use to being around each other for so long, everyone pretty much does their own thing. Both kids usually spend at least one night on the weekends at a friends house and they are in school all week long, so I have my time then. And we were all totally and completely overloaded with stress, from being there, from seeing him like that, from being cramped in the room and from not being able to get any alone time, though I occasionally had some, when I would go outside to smoke, but eventually one or the other would follow me out, wanting to chat with me, so even then I didn't get that time I needed to just breathe and process.

I have been processing all of this for the last few days, which has also drained me. I have had to find a place where I am at peace within myself, as I was being torn apart and beating myself up for leaving, even though I know that is what he wanted me to do. I needed to find some acceptance to remember that I am not in control of this, or I'd have healed him immediately.. that there is something whatever it is that is far more powerful than myself, that was in control and the acceptance of, what will be will be regardless of whether it is what I want to happen or not, will be. I found that peace and that acceptance yesterday with relief, though for fleeting moments here and there, I ask myself, why this time did I listen to him and leave, since I have never listened to him since the age of 14, which he reminded me right before he asked me to take the kids home on the day of his surgery. I didn't think twice when he told me to go, I told him ok, I will.. but I second guessed myself the whole way home and until I found some peace and acceptance, I was second guessing myself. Now, I know it was the right thing to do, both for the kids, for him and for me (for me, financially, though I would have pulled the money out of my rent money to stay longer if I had had to) I'm already not paying the electric bill and gas bill and am crossing my fingers that if I explain the situation they will break the bills up in 3 payments so that we don't get either shutoff. I think they do that once in a while and I've never done it, so if I am correct in my thinking, then I should be ok..

But, I am broke. We have no food and I have no money till the 3rd, so this should be interesting the next few days, especially with the boy who eats 15 times a day and I have no idea where all the food he eats goes, cause he has not one ounce of fat on him. He will eat and eat and eat till I yell at him that he is eating a weeks worth of food, or two weeks worth of after school snacks in one day and he'll just be shit out of luck, the rest of the time when he comes home from school hungry. He just thinks that they food magically appears, at age 13 he really hasn't quite grasped the concept that in order to get food, you must have money and in order to have money for food, you must budget it in and if you spend all the money for the two weeks when you go to the market, there is no more money left for more food. I can't seem to get that through his head, no matter HOW many times I tell him.

I've finally come up against my own mortality. As a kid, a teenager and maybe some in their 20's think, we believe in immortality. Having only faced one death as an adult in my lifetime (I was a child when my grandfather died, but lucky that those in my family live long lives, so I've only really experienced my grandmothers death 4 years ago) and even facing that, my mortality, my life didn't flash before my eyes. I still had some sort of feeling that I would live for a very long time. However, with my fathers surgery and the moment my Aunt said COMA, my life flashed before my eyes, I realized that no one, (and I already knew this, but it was so prevalent all of the sudden) would live forever, including myself and what the hell have I done with my life that was good and honorable and well... adult.

I processed that as well and the truth is, while I've always been a wanderer and have seen every state in the country except Alaska, lived in many different states as well, been to Israel, Egypt and Lebanon for 6 weeks, aside from those things and being a single mother for 18 years and according to my kids, not a very good one at that, I haven't really accomplished much of anything in my life. It's rather depressing actually and my brain has been trying to wrap around all of it.

At the age of 44, I am already tired and wore out and ready to pack it up. My kids keep me hanging on, but really, I just don't want to do anything at all. I try and learn new things, I read tons of books and grow from experiences, however, aside from designing some Indian Casinos logos years ago and raising my kids, I have not left my mark on this world and now I am just to wore out to even attempt to do anything at all. If I could lay in my bed and not ever get out of it again, I would be perfectly content. It's really sad actually. I have a good singing voice but my parents never encouraged me to pursue a singing career, in fact quite the opposite my stepfather would make fun of my voice, so when I finally found karaoke a few years ago, I would want to go on the stage and sing, but kept remembering how I was told always that I had a terrible voice so for 6 months I just watched, until someone begged me to sing a duet with them and I worked up the nerve, letting them know I wasn't any good but would try, only to find that I love it and I was good, according to everyone there that night and now, I go on fridays for karaoke, enjoy myself and am always approached by others telling me what a great voice I have, or I should go on American Idol haha, I'm too old for that and I doubt I'd try out if I was within the age limit. When I was young, I thought I had a nice voice and so did my teachers in junior high, but again, my parents never encouraged me to follow any dreams I may have, mostly they discouraged me from doing things that I thought I would be good at, at least until I was 14 and then I just ran wild, living no where and doing my own thing for a year, before that trip to boarding school for the next year, only to have me return and run wild again from 16 on, when I met the man I would marry and then divorce. I really think that if my parents had given me encouragement, suggestions and supported me with some of the dreams I had, before it was too late, I might have made something of myself. My grandmother would have liked to see me go to college and would have paid for all of it, and she did encourage me,but by the time she got her hands back on me (after having me all the time when I was little and then not as much after my grandfather passed)but by then I was already off on my own at 16 (well, really at 14, though from age 15-16 she talked me into going to boarding school, which I did enjoy and do regret not going back the following year, and finishing high school) instead I returned to the streets of San Fernando Valley and did my own thing, not even getting a diploma till I was 32 when I went and got my GED just to show my father that I wasn't stupid.

My kids think that they have had a difficult life. In some ways they have, with my bipolar kicking up and me going on and off my medications, they have had to fend for themselves many times. But, the one thing that they never experienced was men coming in and out of their lives, since I made a promise when they were very little, that I would take care of them and put my life completely on hold in that area. And I did. Hell, I didn't even begin going out till the boy was 11 or so and even then, I didn't date. I still don't date, but have made a few poor choices in men, as my daughter says, "Mom you don't have one night stands, you have 3 night stands" the few men I have met, only hang out for a few days and then gone. And it really bothers my boy when I have brought men home (2 whole men) and he has made mention of it, so that has stopped. I suppose my greatest accomplishment in life, has been raising these two kids, who for the most part are good kids, all alone and with no child support from either of their dads. But, while it is a good thing and the only thing I have ever done that made my father proud of me, giving him grandchildren, it seems so trivial in the grand scheme of things.

So, while I am at a place of peace and acceptance with my fathers health at this moment, I am down on myself for not doing the things that I had the opportunity to do, especially since my grandmother would have paid for me to attend college and would have helped me out to start my own business if that is what I had wanted to do and I watch my 34 year old brother, live in a million dollar house, owning a company that he started at age 15 and is now rated #1 with Microsoft, but then my sister from my father hasn't accomplished anything either, other than to hook up with a man 2 years younger than my father, because she is incapable of supporting herself. And thinking about it, my mother didn't parent me, nor did my father. My grandmother had the most influence over me, but she wasn't my parent. As I was saying to a friend the other day, I have had to learn by trial by fire, in regards to parenting, since neither one of mine parented me, though by 14 Dad tried, but by then it was too late, so I suppose with those odds and having children that are actually really good kids, who do not behave in anyway like I did at either of their ages, perhaps that will have to be my mark on the world. I could have done worse with them, but all in all they are well balanced, well traveled, loved and more good than bad, where I was more bad than good at both their ages.

I guess, I really have been a disappointment to those who brought me into the world, wow, I see it now. Being rather narcisstic I really never thought about it that way... I think the best thing I have ever done for my father, is to give him grandchildren and that's not much of anything, though he loves them far more than he cares about me or even my sister. They are his prized possessions and he has to often be reminded that I gave birth to them, I am the parent. Something he always forgets as he tries to parent them himself and tell me what to do as a parent... which is humorous, since his parenting skills as I and then my sister were growing up, pretty much sucked, though my sister never wanted for anything, as my lovely (cough) stepmother gave her everything, thus making my sister lazier than me and very high maintance. Heh. Me, I leave my house in my pajamas and don't like name brand clothing or purses or shoes or expensive dinners and blah blah blah, like my sister, who would never be with a man that wasn't very wealthy, because that girl is HIGH maintance... but I ramble again, as always.

So, I have rambled on long enough and will close this with a thank you to all of you who have been reading me and leaving me supportive loving comments. I read them all, but have been lax in commenting back. I haven't read another blog for a week and know I have lots to catch up on, but not today. I think I want to just stay in bed under my covers and do nothing, after all it is Sunday, isn't this the day to rest?

Peace.