Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Life as it is, not as I think it should be...

That's a difficult thought to keep holding on to. Accepting that my life is right where it's supposed to be, even though I would rather it be different. How different my life would have been, had I made a right turn one day, instead of making that left turn. Or maybe I should have made a U-Turn.... But I didn't make a left turn and I didn't make a U-Turn, I made a right turn.

And it took me on the journey that is called, My Life. No destination in sight, never has been if I really think about it and am honest within myself.

At 44, I am still finding myself. I am still learning about the person that I am, a continuous evolving into the person I become, each day. Authentic. Pure. There are days I need to remind myself of these things, that I am a good person, I've done the best I could do with my children, learning how to be a parent while being a parent hasn't been the easy way, but it's been my way and it's the way it's supposed to be - or it would be different. I think that it really is just that simple.

I joke, that I'm on the edge of insanity, but the truth is... I AM on the edge of insanity. And knowing it, embracing it, accepting it, LIVING it is the way it is. Just being. Do I wish that I didn't have a mental illness that could and has caused me to want to end it all, more than once? Sure, but I won't live with regrets and if I wasn't on that edge, I wouldn't be the person I am today... or the person I will be when it is my time to go.

Can't live with regrets, a waste of energy, precious energy that can be used for more productive outlets. That's not to say that occassionally my head thinks of those, shoulda, coulda, woulda stuff, but I've grown so much lately that when those thoughts pop up in my head, I've become able to quickly remove them from my head. In my heart, I don't have any regrets for any of the things I've done in my life. Maybe I could have done better, but then if I HAD, who would I be today?

Somewhere in the last few months, perhaps years, I've found some semblence of peace and acceptance within me, about me, sometimes I lose it, getting caught up in others drama (including my kids), but lately more often than not I've begun to know me and like me....

Or maybe it's just that I've lost 74 pounds since Sept 08. And people notice it and make comments about it. Heh. I'm not that vain, well, maybe I am. Ha!

Life is no longer in the fast lane, but it remains on the edge of insanity. And I'm cool with that. Today.

1 comment:

lisa lind said...

great to see you back! In my opinion, it's all about the journey... there really is no clear destination because it keeps changing to fit the circumstances. Way to go on your weight loss! Hugs :o)