Him.

Not last year, the year before, a few weeks before Thanksgiving, I was getting gas and there was this guy there doing the same. I in my PJ's he in his work clothes, I some how managed to say hello and strike up a conversation...which led to me giving him my number and than me saying to myself as I drove off.. what an idiot, you hit on a good looking guy in your PJs?? But that was pretty much standard clothing for me a few years ago and kind of still is... but I digress.

He called me. Did I ever mention him? Not sure. He's 10 years younger than me and oh so cute. We talked for a few weeks on the phone and next thing you know I invite him over for Thanksgiving dinner, cause he's all alone and he accepts it and than helps me cook AND clean up!

We saw each other for a time here and there. Then things progressed to hmm.. friends with benefits. Not sure how that happened, but it did and I was crazy about him without him knowing it. Then one day, he was gone. Back to California, where he came from, because there was no work here and his little girl was still there (he is a single father). It's been over a year now, we keep in contact here and there...

Then I read on facebook that he was getting married. Married to this woman who when he was with I would not hear from him at all because she was jealous. Married to a woman who drinks to much (from his mouth I learned this from) MARRIED. I was bummed. Than I read that he was coming to Vegas! I made a point of posting on his facebook "My friend, I would love to get together with you and catch up, perhaps we can do lunch while you are out here". Nothing..

Friday he called me! It was so nice to hear his voice and that feeling I've had about him for the last 2 years came back, though I was still bummed about him getting married. We talked for a bit then I mentioned the marriage and he said it was off. That a few days after he proposed, she just stopped talking to him. Wouldn't return his calls and other stuff. Weird right? He said he thinks it's because she is 44 and has a grown child, she doesn't want to raise anymore. WHAT? Umm.. why not think about that before you say yes to a marriage proposal. (his daughter is 8)

So, he is coming to town next week or the week after and promised to call me so we can get together. He hasn't seen me since I've lost weight (though I did post the weight loss picture on facebook and he told me that I looked great :) ) and honestly? I'm hoping that something is there between us. I've thought about him day in and day out since the day we met. We have a lot in common and enjoy the time we spend together. I'm hoping what is HER loss, will be my gain. And YES, I would move to California to be with him and his daughter if I had too, though I don't particularly want to live in Ca again, I would for him...

Send out positive thoughts to the Universe for us, please. Yes, I would marry this guy, yes I can see me spending the rest of my life with him, yes it's that serious on my end. And yes, he likes older women, he had a bad experience with one and said that after he met me, he decided that staying away from older women wasn't for him and realized that we were not all like the bad experience one..I'm pretty sure I've told you all about him before cause right now I'm having deju vu!

And my madness? Doesn't seem to scare him at all. Score.

Migraines and more

This morning I woke up and no migraine. Took my imuder (long acting nitro) and was doing dishes and BAM! It hit me like a ton of bricks! So, apparently it's the imuder causing the migraines.

I'm going to call the doctor tomorrow and see if we can lower the dosage or give me something for the migraine. Percocets don't work on them nor does valium. They are rendering me literally completely useless.

Weighing the odds - Chest pains and possible heart attack or migraines. Neither is a very good choice, but I will take the migraines over the other.

Tonight, ran into a lady from Church and I mentioned the migraines, she pulled out this small bottle of something called MG, which has basil, lavender, peppermint and some other ingredients, told me to take a small smell and put some on my pulse points and wow, right now my head still hurts, but NOTHING like it was prior to that little bottle. She gets it from a friend and it's just a small bottle that costs 20$ or so. I may have to splurge on it, I prefer holistic treatment rather than having to take another pill (I already take at least 20 types of pills a day, mostly different vitamins which takes me like an hour to take cause of my little stomach and really would prefer to not take anymore pills)

Anyone have any other type of holistic/natural ways to rid ones self of a migraine?

Having steamed clams for dinner, yum! They come in a box, you pop them in the microwave and they steam! I got them from Trader Joes, there's quite a few in there that the boy and I can share a box and I'll be full (he on the other hand is never full) and the cost of this box is only 4.29$ add some veggies to that and we can eat dinner for probably a total of 7$. Not bad for a good meal!

Peace.

Wordle!

Every so often, Joe in and around Vegas makes me my Wordle and sends it to me. I love these things, I think they are pretty cool. I can usually make mine, but I've yet to figure out how to save it like Joe does, so I just wait for him to send me one here and there!

Thanks again Joe!!

So...

I was looking through my sister Tracie's facebook pictures. For those that don't know, Tracie is my baby sister from my mother and stepfather. She's 23. Yep, a year and a half younger than my son!

Well, I am going to do something I thought I never would. I'm going to post a picture of me at my highest weight...taken at my sons wedding in August of 2008. Below it, is a picture of me and my daughter, taken at her graduation in June of this year. I look at the picture of me and my sister Tracie and I wonder, why did no one tell me how fat I was? And the picture of my daughter and I? I've since lost about another 30 pounds. I still have a ways to go... because I was sick and didn't know it (with my heart) I had no energy to even excersise and thus, I've got some skin that I am working on losing now. I work out in the pool nearly everyday now, have a nice tan going on (in both pictures I am very pale and you can see the bags under my eyes that I know longer have since my heart surgery), but so far no luck with the extra skin... I'm just going to keep at it though and hope that most of it begins to go away, though I am pretty resigned to the fact that I will probably need at least a tummy tuck. Also, for some reason I allowed my stupid sister (not the one in the picture) to cut my hair real short before the wedding and really? Fat people should not have short hair - at least this fat person. Now my hair is longer, even longer than in the second picture.

So without further ado...and I can't believe I am doing this but here's me one month before my lap band surgery and then there's me 9 months after my surgery. I was gross and honestly, when I look in the mirror I still see a very fat me, even though I'm down almost 130 pounds since the first picture was taken.. And please, no mean comments. I see now how gross I was (I suppose I was in complete denial thinking I looked good and was all that - and pow - I did NOT look good and I am STILL not all that!)a part of me still feels that gross, so I don't need anyone here beating me up about it, I do a good job all on my own...

Little sister Tracie and I... August 2008


Daughter and I... June 2009

My Own Food...

I suppose I should address this, cause I think I might be the only one who does this.

I was having a conversation with my daughter today as we worked out in the pool and she said, you know mom you're the only parent I know who buys food just for them. I asked what she meant and she said, she goes to peoples homes and says, "what can't I eat" and they look at her weird, telling her she can eat whatever she wants.

I told her, blame her grandfather and grandmother (my stepmother) for that because thats what they did to me and I guess I picked it up - but also, in the last year since my surgery, there's only certain things I can eat and keep down.

Is it weird that I buy food for me? It's not like I don't buy food for them, cause I do. Snack foods mostly, plus since she doesn't eat meat I buy her certain foods for just her. Now, the boy is different, he eats everything and anything, including the stuff I buy for me, even when I tell him, thats for me. He gets plenty of snack foods, cause I know he is hungry when he comes home from school, but he also eats a months worth of food in a week! He is now my height, 5'8 and weighs 180 pounds, but there's not an ounce of fat on this kid, he's going to be this tall muscular kid soon.

So, am I the only one who buys food that's just for me or are there others out there like that?

Admitting it...

The boy finally admitted that he ate the clam chowder. How fucking stupid is this to lie about?

"I knew you would get mad at me for eating it" is what he says. WHAT??

"What part of I dont CARE about the clam chowder, I care about the lying, are you not understanding here" I say to him.

"I know how you get when I eat your food" is the reply.

Yes, I have my own food. As does he. It's suppose to last the month, but his usually last less than a week. There are certain things I cannot eat and certain things I can, when I find something I can keep down, I get it for me. I only eat maybe one meal a day and have even been known to go a few days without eating.. either because I'm not hungry or too busy to eat and forget. Hell, my stomach is only 4 oz big so not being hungry is not something unusual for me, though I try to eat something each day to get nourishment at least...

I still don't care about the can of soup. I just don't understand why this child felt it so necessary to lie to me about it. Do I really get THAT angry at him when he eats something he knows is for me? I don't know, I suppose I need to look at that?

At least he finally admitted it...

Right?

Clam Chowder

I bought 4 cans of clam chowder. 2 for me and 2 for the boy. I ate one last week. He finished both of his within a day or so, cause he's like that.

I went to the cabinet to heat a can up for me a bit ago and it was gone. I asked him why he ate my can and he denies it.

There is NO one else in this house. Him and I only. He vehemently denies eating it. I find a fresh empty can of clam chowder and show it to him and he keeps saying he didn't eat it. I show him the bowl in the sink that has clam chowder in it and he denies it. WTF?

I don't give a rats ass about the clam chowder, though I was disappointed because Id been thinking about it and wanted it...

I'm PISSED that he continues to lie to me about it. I ask him if there was anyone in the house last night while I was gone he says no. He can no longer blame his sister, she isn't here. He ate the damn can of soup and instead of admitting it he is in his room raging at me because I have now grounded him for LYING. HE thinks its because I think he ate the soup and isn't understanding it's because he LIED about it.

I can't take much more of this. Lying because he ate a damn can of clam chowder.

Dad

I'm so use to going to him with things both good and bad. I'm use to telling him things and listening to his well meant but sometimes brutal advice.

I can't do that anymore. I can't stress him out with my stuff. I'm okay with that. But now I stress out about him and when I voice my concern about anything, I get chewed out by nearly everyone.

Example. Today I took my daughter to try and get her drivers license. Woke up at 7am (and if you know me at all you know that I am NOT a morning person) picked her up at Dads. She's afraid to drive my jeep, its too big for her she says so we took his Toyota. I couldn't figure out why she was having such a time with the brakes (I let her drive to one of the DMVs) and was trying to tell her to go easy on them...

The first DMV was way to busy and no parking places so I got behind the wheel to take us to a different one and found out why she was having such trouble with the brakes. THEY ARE GOING OUT! I know a bit about cars so this had me concerned.

We get to the other DMV and we find out that his license plates have been suspended since August 26th. WTF? Clearly an insurance error, but the child couldn't take the test in that car so we headed back to Dads.

Oh and let me explain this. The half an artificial heart implanted in him also comes with this wire that comes out of his stomach and attaches to these HUGE batteries that only last 4 hours, so he has to carry extras with him wherever he goes, but also he is not allowed to get any of that wet (making it difficult to take showers and be outside when it rains)...

After we drop his car back off and I explain to my stepmother that the brakes are bad, she tells me that she thought so but since she doesn't know anything about cars she let it go.. okay understandable... but I don't want my father or my kid in that car, plus - when my daughter hit some water turning right, the tires slid which tells me that the tires tread isn't up to par...

My aunt took Dad to the Lab to get some blood work done and I came home after a brief workout in the pool. As I'm watching TV they broadcast a severe thunderstorm warning for us. I call my father and ask him if he is home yet he says no, they are now eating lunch out. I tell him about the rain coming and he assures me that they will wait at the restaurant till it stops...

20 minutes later it's pouring down here. I call again, making sure he is okay and find he is in the car. I don't know what car, I ask "In the Toyota?" he mumbles something to me that sounded like yes and I said Dad, the brakes are bad and it's pouring rain please tell whoever is driving (I didn't know it was my aunt or stepmother) to be careful. The next thing I know my aunt is on the phone with me yelling at me not to tell my father what is wrong with the car.

WTF? I can't do anything right, obviously. A week ago my stepmother kicked me out of the house because I was yelling at my sister for trying to steal my xanex from me and I caught her in the act... and this bitch that lives in the complex of my fathers, LOCKED ME OUT OF MY FAMILIES HOUSE! I'm told she was reamed for it, told she wasn't family and I was and that she needs to stay out of it and I'm told that my stepmother also reamed my sister for trying to steal from me AGAIN.. but still I am always the bad guy it seems.

I worry about my father and express it and get reamed. I stay away from the family so as not to get reamed and get reamed.

I can't win for fucking losing.

I must leave this town, leave this negativity soon or I don't know what I'm going to do. I no longer speak to my sister, if you remember last year at my boys wedding she broke into my hotel room and stole a full bottle of Valium (which I had just refilled and usually lasts me about 3 months) and I stopped speaking to her for 4 months till she said she was getting clean and sober - which she didn't do. The Friday before the incident in my house, she was smoking pot in front of my boy. I don't smoke pot, well about at his age I did for a few months but never liked it and he's not exposed to it at home, but she's never hidden the fact that she does and lets just say that and the stealing from me, is the last straw. I'm done. I was told she was going to move down to Tucson but now I hear she is staying in Vegas, so life here will be difficult at best, between her and now my aunt and as always my stepmother...

Fuck. I'm 45 years old. When does this end?

When I get out of Vegas I bet. Just like it did when I was gone before.

That's got to be the plan. Leave. Just a matter of where, when and how. Mostly where. The when will have to wait till the boy graduates Junior High next June and the how should be okay when I get my settlement from my car accident before then...

Anyone have any suggestions? Beach and snow that's what I look for.

Peace.

My daughter, my son.

My daughter, my pride and joy, the one who has seemingly come out of being my child unscathed, moved out. Last week. I'm very sad, hurt and angry about it. She didn't move far, only about 4 blocks away to my fathers. Yes, my fathers.

Dad's been in Phx for the past year and has finally returned home after receiving half an artificial heart. She wasted no time. She lied, told him that I was ok with it and when he hit me with it I was in shock. SHE didn't want to tell me because she knew that I wanted her here with me for one more year and clearly knew what my response would be.

I said some very mean things to her, as I lashed out in my own pain and fear of losing her. While she is my flesh and blood, she holds no grudges and when I calmed down enough for her and I to speak, she told me she loved me and I was able to tell her I loved her back.

I'm not afraid to be alone and I'm not alone right now, since my baby still lives with me. But for some reason I felt rejected and hated. HOW after raising her all alone for 18 years, could she just leave me like that? But that's not what she was doing. She wasn't leaving me, she's spreading her wings. Better she go live with her grandfather and not have to worry about a ton of bills and other things, than off on her own where she must pay bills and work and go to college. It took me a couple days to accept that, though I have told her more than once I want her to come home I'm no longer so angry at her. I miss her.

It's now just me and my 13 year old boy. It's not easy. There's no buffer here anymore and he's an angry kid, which often is directed to me as I try to parent him. His rages frighten me most of the time. I'm slowly learning to deal with it the best I know how and can only hope that as he matures he will see that I do what I do because I love him. As I wrote in my essay for Violence Unsilenced, "is it too late" for this child? I hope not. He isn't a "bad" kid, he simply has no self control over his anger and he rages against authority. I am putting him back on vyvanse, medication that helps with ADHD children, of which he is one. And I think I may put us both in therapy though he has told me more than once that he will not speak. If nothing else, perhaps it will help ME to learn how to deal with him in a way I don't know of right now.

That's all for now from the fast lane. Life seems so bleak as I sit here... there seems to be no end in sight, no light at the end of the tunnel.. but I think I will just keep looking for it.

Peace

See that sign on the right of my blog?

The one called, Violence Unsilenced? See it? Over there? Not hard to miss. Have you ever wondered why I have it there?

I was a battered woman. I have what is called, Battered Woman Syndrome. It is quite possible that that is the main reason I do not do relationships well, a trust issue perhaps, though who knows since I never went into therapy for it. Writing was my therapy, always. Anger is my lifeline these days. As my life begins to crumble in ways I seemingly have no control over, anger keeps me alive, lets me know I am alive.

Sept 3rd, my story will be out there for all to see. I'm not afraid or ashamed anymore, but I am still angry. I have a loathing for people that is unmistakable and unbearable at times, though most tell me and others I am the nicest person they know... but if you do not know me, I come off as aloof, standoffish and often defensive. If I let you into my life, beyond the circle of boundaries that I have, its because I have watched you closely for a long time and if you screw up, I'm gone and done with you.

If I dont know you and you screw up, I am angry and it shows. If you dont know me, you are afraid of me. I am tough, strong, angry and pissed off at the world and it shows. If you don't know me you ask people that do know me and like me, how they can like me. They will tell you I am a giving, caring and loving person... but if you dont know me, you dont see that.

I dont mean to sound like Im the best there is, but few people are allowed into my world, my real world, not my blog world. I have few friends and then there are those that want to be my friend. Those people I look at, I watch and I wonder, why in the world do they want to be friends with me. I'm nothing special. Im a failure at nearly everything I do and I can be a shitty friend, losing touch with those that have been allowed into my life.. that is how "I" see me.

I use to pride myself on the self control I had around those that are idiots. Now, not so much. I dont hide my loathing well, perhaps that is because I am 45 years old now and simply to not wish to play the game. And sometimes, I honestly believe that those I love would be better off without me.

There's more, but its painful new things that have happened that I just do not want to share right now. When the pain begins to subside, I may be able to put the words to paper. For now, I will leave it at this.

So, Sept 3rd, please go to the link on the right and read my story, maybe you will gain some insight into why I am so angry, why I am so hard to get to know and why you must be so very special if I call you friend.

R.I.P

Ted and Eunice Kennedy..

They will be missed.

I have some painful things to share with you, however above that pain I am in tremendous anger, thus it is not the time to share this.

I will.

I promise.

Blizzard...

My cat Blizzard died. A few months ago. He was a special cat. Just 2 years old actually. When he was born, he was white with back legs that were deformed, they were like rabbits not like cats. I didn't think anyone would want him, so I kept him for myself. He loved only me. He hated anyone that came in my room or sat on my bed or the few times when men stayed over, he would be very angry! He would not speak to me for days, speaking I mean coming up to me and rubbing his face in my face.

I could make kissy noises with my mouth and he would come to me, rub his head on my face and loved kisses. Blizzard saved my life I believe a few times. When I was heavier, I would stop breathing at night and Blizzard always woke me up, scratching my face. I would wake up coughing and spitting from not being able to breathe, always with Blizzard right at my face, paws on it, meowing.

I came home one morning from an all nighter and my son had been awake all night waiting for me to get home. I missed Blizzard by an hour. He died in my sons arms. His legs had become normal as he grew, but my son said that night his legs went back the way they were when he was born, deformed. He couldn't walk and he couldn't move. I still do not know what happened to him and I miss him still very much.

My girl cat was pregnant, with Blizzards babies, when Blizzard died. I have 4 white kittens, 2 all white and 2 that look similar to Blizzard, kind of Siamese looking. None with his personality, but I'm hard pressed to give them all away. I can't keep them all, but I would love to. They aren't very friendly truth be told, but I may keep one of them, if we can figure out which one is a boy.

Just catching a bit up in the fast lane.

Catching up

Theres a lot of things I need to write about, to catch you all up with. I hope to be doing that in the next few days. Life hasn't all been bad the last few months and I would really like to share the good things too...

So, I will.

Monday morning came and...

I was having chest pains. Been having them for over a month. So, I took myself to the ER and 12 hours later found myself in a room on the cardio ward.

Tuesday morning came and they did a stress test. Which came out abnormal. The doctor and I spoke and I had him talked into letting me leave and do an outpatient procedure, but my father called as we were talking and he wanted to be put on speaker phone.

The good thing was I had NOT had a heart attack. The bad thing was, I COULD have one if I went home and waited to have the procedure, so I ended up staying at the hospital. I was NOT happy, but understood that if the doctor hadn't felt there was a risk of a heart attack, he would have let me go home yesterday.

This morning, I went in for an angiogram. They found an artery that was clogged and unclogged it. It was a very uncomfortable procedure, but not painful. I was pretty scared and alone. I've bruises all over my arms, from IV's and blood work. My potassium levels are real low and my cholesterol levels are really really really high. Even though I do not eat like I use to and have lost over 100 pounds now, apparently my cholesterol problem is genetic. I also found out that my mother has what she calls a spastic heart as it turns out, so do I. The one thing I inherited from my mother. Figures. And apparently, my grams cholesterol was always in the 800's, though she took excellent care of herself, thus I inherited the high cholesterol from her!

Tonight, I have finally returned home. It feels so nice to be in my own bed. I'm on bed rest for a week. No walking too much, no lifting anything. I now must carry with me nitro and take cholesterol pills. I'll probably go to the vitamin store next week and get potassium pills, though doctor did say I could control that by eating foods high in potassium, such as watermelon, cantaloupe and bananas. But just to be safe, I think I'm going to take the pills if they sell them.

So that's it in a nutshell. Life in my fast lane has been a mess now for a few years...

I wonder if it will ever get better again.

I'm alive.

Been without internet or computer for a while. Long story short.. money.

Not sure how much I will contribute here right now, things are really messed up at home finacially and other things. Oh how I wish I could leave this town and start new.

My father will be returning to Vegas this month 2 days before my 45th birthday. He never received the heart transplant as he became too sick for it and was removed from the UNO'S list. They did place a LVAD wire in him and now he is limited in all that he does.

I will be grandmother soon. Sept 26th, my granddaughter Nova Ruby is to join us in this world. I am very excited.

Right now it's 4am and I am on my sleep cycle of sleeping during the day and up all night again. I can't seem to break it as hard as I try.

I am sorry to those that I owe things to from Monday Giveaway. Currently I do not have the money for postage and packing materials. I just barely have enough to pay bills and buy food for the kids. I'm not even sure I'll be able to keep my internet on again, but cross our fingers that I can.

I'm off to try to sleep. More later.