My daughter, my son.

My daughter, my pride and joy, the one who has seemingly come out of being my child unscathed, moved out. Last week. I'm very sad, hurt and angry about it. She didn't move far, only about 4 blocks away to my fathers. Yes, my fathers.

Dad's been in Phx for the past year and has finally returned home after receiving half an artificial heart. She wasted no time. She lied, told him that I was ok with it and when he hit me with it I was in shock. SHE didn't want to tell me because she knew that I wanted her here with me for one more year and clearly knew what my response would be.

I said some very mean things to her, as I lashed out in my own pain and fear of losing her. While she is my flesh and blood, she holds no grudges and when I calmed down enough for her and I to speak, she told me she loved me and I was able to tell her I loved her back.

I'm not afraid to be alone and I'm not alone right now, since my baby still lives with me. But for some reason I felt rejected and hated. HOW after raising her all alone for 18 years, could she just leave me like that? But that's not what she was doing. She wasn't leaving me, she's spreading her wings. Better she go live with her grandfather and not have to worry about a ton of bills and other things, than off on her own where she must pay bills and work and go to college. It took me a couple days to accept that, though I have told her more than once I want her to come home I'm no longer so angry at her. I miss her.

It's now just me and my 13 year old boy. It's not easy. There's no buffer here anymore and he's an angry kid, which often is directed to me as I try to parent him. His rages frighten me most of the time. I'm slowly learning to deal with it the best I know how and can only hope that as he matures he will see that I do what I do because I love him. As I wrote in my essay for Violence Unsilenced, "is it too late" for this child? I hope not. He isn't a "bad" kid, he simply has no self control over his anger and he rages against authority. I am putting him back on vyvanse, medication that helps with ADHD children, of which he is one. And I think I may put us both in therapy though he has told me more than once that he will not speak. If nothing else, perhaps it will help ME to learn how to deal with him in a way I don't know of right now.

That's all for now from the fast lane. Life seems so bleak as I sit here... there seems to be no end in sight, no light at the end of the tunnel.. but I think I will just keep looking for it.

Peace

And so another Christmas ends

The kids loved everything they received. We had our traditional bagel,cream cheese and lox for breakfast and then I went to go back and lay down. Instead of going back to sleep, I of course had to open up the laptop. Duh! So, finally at 11:15 I closed the laptop and my eyes, only to have my daughter wake me up at 11:30 to let me know that dinner was at 3pm at her friends house. UGH!

So, I got my fat...err lazy ass out of bed, to make the spinach dip and cut the sourdough bread, take a shower, put some makeup on and off I went. The boy asked if he could go to his best friends house and so he did that. I seriously took a valium, because for some reason I don't socialize quite well with others. Seriously, I don't. Small talk does nothing for me, but bore me. Give me a deep intellectual conversation anytime and I'm gnawing on it like a dog on a bone.

I got there, with spinach dip in hand and a couple of candles, around 2pm. The woman had not even begun dinner, other than mash potatoes! And no turkey :( she made Cornish hens instead. (since my surgery, I am unable to keep chicken down). I can't remember her name, of course, but she was nice enough. I helped her get the stuff ready to put in the oven, but dinner wasn't at 3pm..

While waiting for the tiny little chickens to cook, they brought out a game called Partini. I'm also not one for board games (I know, what the hell DO I like you're asking yourself right about now) But I have to tell you, Partini was a lot of fun.

I was a bit uncomfortable at the dinner table, once we finally sat down for dinner at 6pm, yeah, you read that right, 6pm, NOT 3pm!!!!!! One of the boys kept farting at the table and the father I got pretty bad vibes from. While I understand we all have to pass gas, personally I think you should get up from the table and go poo if you are going to have THAT much gas. Bah.

The valium kicked in, sometime while waiting for dinner, so I engaged in small talk. Yeah, me, small talk, engaging in it... My daughter says as we were leaving..

"My mom doesn't like people, but she did really good this time"

Ever feel like putting your kid back where they came from?

But all in all it was a nice Christmas. And some other news?? In the next post. Heh

Whew

We finally made it to Surprise Az. The drive seemed to take far longer than it has in the past. We are all exhausted and sore from sitting in the car. Unfortunately, Az is an hour ahead of Vegas, so we lost an hour and we didn't arrive till 10pm, 9pm Vegas time... Dad called about 930p and we were still another 30 miles out, so he decided to go to bed instead of waiting for us. The boy was supposed to stay with him for the trip, beginning with tonight but that didn't work out that way and now he is making me nuts..

"I'm hungry"
"Go to bed, it's almost 11pm"
"But I'm hungry"
"You've been eating all day and night in the car"
"But I'm hungry"
"GO THE FUCK ASLEEP ALREADY"

Me? It'll take me about another hour to go to sleep, which is normal for when I drive long distances. Damn non smoking rooms. I have to go outside in the rain and cold to smoke and it pisses me off. I'm too afraid of getting some sort of charge for smoking in the rooms so I usually go outside, but I also usually have a room on the first floor, this time we have one on the 2nd floor, so in my pajama's, I'll take the stairs down, maybe bring a book and smoke a bit to try and relax..

Just in case I miss tomorrow..

Happy Thanksgiving everyone