Tuesday, September 1, 2009

See that sign on the right of my blog?

The one called, Violence Unsilenced? See it? Over there? Not hard to miss. Have you ever wondered why I have it there?

I was a battered woman. I have what is called, Battered Woman Syndrome. It is quite possible that that is the main reason I do not do relationships well, a trust issue perhaps, though who knows since I never went into therapy for it. Writing was my therapy, always. Anger is my lifeline these days. As my life begins to crumble in ways I seemingly have no control over, anger keeps me alive, lets me know I am alive.

Sept 3rd, my story will be out there for all to see. I'm not afraid or ashamed anymore, but I am still angry. I have a loathing for people that is unmistakable and unbearable at times, though most tell me and others I am the nicest person they know... but if you do not know me, I come off as aloof, standoffish and often defensive. If I let you into my life, beyond the circle of boundaries that I have, its because I have watched you closely for a long time and if you screw up, I'm gone and done with you.

If I dont know you and you screw up, I am angry and it shows. If you dont know me, you are afraid of me. I am tough, strong, angry and pissed off at the world and it shows. If you don't know me you ask people that do know me and like me, how they can like me. They will tell you I am a giving, caring and loving person... but if you dont know me, you dont see that.

I dont mean to sound like Im the best there is, but few people are allowed into my world, my real world, not my blog world. I have few friends and then there are those that want to be my friend. Those people I look at, I watch and I wonder, why in the world do they want to be friends with me. I'm nothing special. Im a failure at nearly everything I do and I can be a shitty friend, losing touch with those that have been allowed into my life.. that is how "I" see me.

I use to pride myself on the self control I had around those that are idiots. Now, not so much. I dont hide my loathing well, perhaps that is because I am 45 years old now and simply to not wish to play the game. And sometimes, I honestly believe that those I love would be better off without me.

There's more, but its painful new things that have happened that I just do not want to share right now. When the pain begins to subside, I may be able to put the words to paper. For now, I will leave it at this.

So, Sept 3rd, please go to the link on the right and read my story, maybe you will gain some insight into why I am so angry, why I am so hard to get to know and why you must be so very special if I call you friend.

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