Thursday, September 3, 2009

My daughter, my son.

My daughter, my pride and joy, the one who has seemingly come out of being my child unscathed, moved out. Last week. I'm very sad, hurt and angry about it. She didn't move far, only about 4 blocks away to my fathers. Yes, my fathers.

Dad's been in Phx for the past year and has finally returned home after receiving half an artificial heart. She wasted no time. She lied, told him that I was ok with it and when he hit me with it I was in shock. SHE didn't want to tell me because she knew that I wanted her here with me for one more year and clearly knew what my response would be.

I said some very mean things to her, as I lashed out in my own pain and fear of losing her. While she is my flesh and blood, she holds no grudges and when I calmed down enough for her and I to speak, she told me she loved me and I was able to tell her I loved her back.

I'm not afraid to be alone and I'm not alone right now, since my baby still lives with me. But for some reason I felt rejected and hated. HOW after raising her all alone for 18 years, could she just leave me like that? But that's not what she was doing. She wasn't leaving me, she's spreading her wings. Better she go live with her grandfather and not have to worry about a ton of bills and other things, than off on her own where she must pay bills and work and go to college. It took me a couple days to accept that, though I have told her more than once I want her to come home I'm no longer so angry at her. I miss her.

It's now just me and my 13 year old boy. It's not easy. There's no buffer here anymore and he's an angry kid, which often is directed to me as I try to parent him. His rages frighten me most of the time. I'm slowly learning to deal with it the best I know how and can only hope that as he matures he will see that I do what I do because I love him. As I wrote in my essay for Violence Unsilenced, "is it too late" for this child? I hope not. He isn't a "bad" kid, he simply has no self control over his anger and he rages against authority. I am putting him back on vyvanse, medication that helps with ADHD children, of which he is one. And I think I may put us both in therapy though he has told me more than once that he will not speak. If nothing else, perhaps it will help ME to learn how to deal with him in a way I don't know of right now.

That's all for now from the fast lane. Life seems so bleak as I sit here... there seems to be no end in sight, no light at the end of the tunnel.. but I think I will just keep looking for it.


1 comment:

DysFUNctional Mom said...

I don't think our children realize that they have the ability to hurt us more than any other person.
I'm sorry.