Cheating...

What do you consider cheating? Is it just about the physical stuff? Or do you think cheating can mean the mental and emotional stuff without the physical stuff?

I'm beginning

To hate my life.

Does anyone know...

Someone keeps sending me comments on my blog in JAPANESE! Does anyone know how I can translate it (my japanese is not fluent) or how I can find out who is doing it so I can contact them and let them know I can't read what they are saying! lol

There's so much to say..

I just don't know where to start. Perhaps tomorrow I can put some of this shit to words and get some feedback... Picture of Kip and I this weekend in Pioche, NV.

My man and me.. and my gorgeous granddaughter!

There's so much to share... but I thought I would share a few pictures first, then eventually get to the other stuff... Also, throwing in a few new ones of Nova.. she's getting SO big!

He says...

I'm spoiled. Not in a mean way, a nasty mean way... a nice endearing kind of way. And truth be known, yes, he's been spoiling me. Not with gifts, material things - but with his attention, his hand holding, his cuddling, his conversations... his sharing of himself. I keep thinking it's to good to be true, not sure how to deal with it just yet but I'm not letting go... I'm not going to walk away or push him away - because I feel content, really really content for the first time in a long time...but I am trying to keep my self slightly distant, not so much that it's getting in the way of a loving, caring relationship, but enough that I hopefully won't be hurt. Yet, if I don't take the risk, I can't ever know if this is real.

There's drama behind the scenes, but I'm just not up to typing it right now.

I just know that I am glad he found me, cause I wasn't looking.

I met someone...

I'll call him K for now. He's awesome. Tom broke up with me again and it didn't even bother me. I never should have taken him back a second time. K and I have a LOT in common, we talk constantly, we laugh all the time, we like many of the same things to do. He's just incredible.

Both of us just came out of a bad relationship, so we are taking it slow which works good for me and I think for K too. I adore him though. He took me out on a real date. I haven't been on a real date since I don't know when! Tom never took me out... Plus, K likes to cuddle, hold hands, hug and not just in private. Tom didn't like any of that even when we were in the house and it seemed like it was an effort to even hold my hand... but K is not like that - he is nothing like Tom. We enjoy each others company and that is something I haven't had with a man in years - not like this at least.

I am being careful, I am keeping my heart close to myself for now. But he makes me happy and so far I haven't seen any red flags and believe me, I'm looking for them, there just aren't any there as of yet. I'm sure there will be things about him that bother me, just as I'm sure there will be the same for him, but he's very good at communicating with me, so I'm sure we will discuss them, we seem to tell each other everything.... and at the risk of repeating myself... I adore him and I'm happy and smile more than I have in a long long time.

Peace.

I'm a bit angry...

I remained in Las Vegas, for my daughter mostly. Because she didn't want to leave Las Vegas and so I put my life on hold and remained. I put it on hold for my youngest boy too - I stopped dating for the first 11 years of his life.

I'm VERY proud of my daughter, she wants to major in Marine Biology. But, I'm angry now. She is looking into Universities in California and Hawaii. MOVING AWAY FROM VEGAS. And I'm stuck here since the boy has decided that he doesn't want to leave Las Vegas now and that my making him leave is making him leave his grandfather which he knows plays guilt on me. My father is his only grandfather, my stepfather doesn't claim any of my kids as a grand child and my mother, well, she is just distant all the time. But, now she wants to leave and that just pisses me off. I understand that she needs to spread her wings and fly, that to be a Marine Biologist going to a University in the desert of Las Vegas is not ideal and I don't want her to stay here and throw her dreams away - but now I'm questioning my own throwing away of dreams for her and my youngest boy. Perhaps, I shouldn't have done that?

Also, my daughters father and his girlfriend, the man I am still in love with, bought her a bus ticket to visit them in Lancaster, Ca. about 3 hours from here. I'd already told her that I wanted to take her down there, she could pay for my gas there, so I could also see my granddaughter, but she has begun to stop listening to me... she asked him if they could see her two sisters (the 16 yr old and 17 yr old) and he asked them if they would meet her and him half way between the them.. I don't want her ANYWHERE near these two girls and especially their mother, I spent all this time raising her, keeping her away from ugliness like them, yes the three of them are ugly - all three doing drugs and drinking. So, we fought about that last night. I know that if the mother says anything to her at all, I'll end up going out there and kicking the shit out of her... I'll find her since I know the small town they live in and it's VERY small. I'm going to call him and speak to him, tell him how I feel about this meeting of the the girls. I already know that the mother will be there, the girls don't drive and the mother is always trying to get him with her (according to him)... plus, I know her well. There's no way she will pass up a chance to meet my daughter and quite possibly even say something to her. Tess is very aware of the crap this women pulled and how she played a huge part in me taking her away from her father and keeping her from him, but she tells me that I have nothing to worry about - that IF the woman says anything to her about anything especially me, she'll be the first to speak up and put her in her place. I don't doubt my daughter won't do it - she is after all my daughter, but why even put yourself in that position at all??

We talked last night about how her father seems so whipped by his new girlfriend (again though I really like the girlfriend) and how she thinks he never stands up for himself - and asked me how come she is such an in your face person when her father is so whipped. I had to laugh... and then told her - she got that from him and I, that both of us are like that, though I think he is so medicated up now that he's not so much like that - I am still.... I stand up for myself still and for my kids, always.

To top all of it off, I'm smack dab in the middle of some kind of major depression, a funky ick that doesn't want to lift and won't let my brain think the way I know it can and should.

I'm just a mess and not enjoying life at this time.

Nova...

It's apparent my grand daughter is getting such a personality, I miss her lots!

Still going...

As far as I know Tom and I are still together though it's getting rather difficult.. I've met a few men that have wanted to date me that I have turned down, even though I haven't seen him in over a week... One I kind of like too.

I hadn't heard from him since Thursday night - so at 5 last night (Sunday) I left a message asking him if he had broken up with me again and just hadn't told me yet. He called at 545am this morning woke me up, but I had to get up anyways. He's been sleeping. Probably taking his pills and going to sleep... he's depressed he can't find a job. I understand this, but I don't think it's appropriate to go like that without calling me - unless we aren't committed and I just don't know.

I miss intimacy. I miss holding hands, being held. All that....

I'm confused, but I owe it to me to see where this goes.

Valentines day

First time in many years that I haven't been single on this day. He is laying next to me sound asleep, while I of course have insomnia. I'm making eggs, bacon, latkes and ♥ shaped regular pancakes.

I'm still taking this really really slow. I met a man a few days before Tom called me and he's been calling me now, not sure what to do. I don't cheat, but are we committed? I don't know because I'm doing things different this time and haven't asked him. Last time we talked about marriage within a few weeks, we went way to fast - now I won't even discuss it.

I don't call Tom, unless it's a return call. He calls me for the most part. I did invite him over for dinner tonight and breakfast tomorrow morning and I did get him a small valentines day present, a coffee mug with a little bear in it that's holding a heart that says love on it... so we'll see what happens...

On another note, today I began my working out hoping that I can keep it going. I lifted 30 pounds 20 times. Then I did my ab cruncher thingie...

I guess I better go and try to sleep, since he gets up early and I'll have to too.

Nova is growing and growing faster and faster...

Am I right or wrong, or does this gorgeous grand daughter of mine have the most beautiful blue eyes? My son is an awesome father, (my DIL is an awesome mother too) But he has this one flaw...

He wanted Nova to look just like her mother, dark hair and dark brown eyes! LOL (my DIL is beautiful son it wouldn't be a bad thing!) If she is anything like my boys were, she'll have blond curly hair with those big huge blue eyes..What a little angel she is.

There's more pictures than these, but these are some of my favorite. I'm so glad that we are mature enough to get along, unlike the mother of Tessa's dads other two girls who freaked out that he found us and spent time with us, even though they haven't been together for over 16 years - but she did try her hardest to get him away from me for about a year and was all in her glory that I split and she had him to herself, though he left her eventually... he never loved her and was only with her for the drugs.. no reason to freak out that he found us, he was in the other 2 girls life for most of the their lives and never in Tessa's. You'd think she'd be happy that he finally found her - but some people never grow up and she's one of them. Bummer. She's also not happy he is with Jacque - where I found her to be a wonderful woman and am happy that he has met someone who is both good for him and he loves. I like her too. But then, I am a different type of woman than the ones he typically goes out with - as is Jacque - her and I got along terrifically... so, here are some of the pictures taken while they were out here!

Tessa's dad Lonnie and I - 20 years after we met.

Me and Jacque (Lonnie's girlfriend)

Tessa and I taking a break from playing pool

Lonnie and Tessa, driving the boat on Lake Mead

Lonnie and Tessa, with Jacque driving boat on Lake Mead

Tessa driving boat getting a hug from Jacque

Tessa hamming it up at Lake Mead

My beautiful girl

Dad and Daughter together after 18 years!

Dad and Daughter walking the Las Vegas Strip

Tessa (wearing her dads coat cause it gets cold in the desert!) Lonnie and Jacque

Tessa and Jacque all smiles!

He called...

Local guy, called. Superbowl Sunday, asked me to spend the day with him.. so I did. Asked me to come home with him, but I had to get home to my son first. Asked me if I would come over afterwards - so I did. We talked. We agreed we went to fast. He said he was miserable without me, he just couldn't see his life without me - but there's more. He feels like he won't be around much longer... not around like in Vegas, but alive and he didn't want me to watch him die. I don't know where that comes from and wasn't sure how to respond...

I told him that he was the first man in 2o years that I had been able to open up to and that any time I had with him was what I wanted. We will move slower this time. I decided that I was going to do things different on my end as well. I do not call him, unless he asks me to call him. He however calls me everyday and while we don't see each other everyday, I am okay with this, taking it slow this time. He tells me he loves me, he tells me he missed me every moment I was gone, that he thought about me all the time. I love him, but I am keeping my heart close to my soul and not opening it up fully this time, not yet, not now, perhaps eventually I will - well, yes, I will if it continues, but I do have a small wall built up - I have a feeling he knows it, cause he too is different. Rather than me always the one to go to him and kiss him, he comes to me, he pulls me close to him, he takes my hand in his when we are out (we've only been to the market and the bar that one time for superbowl) but HE is the one that shows all the affection. I return it, but I don't initiate it as I did before. Marriage is not brought up and I will NOT be the one to bring it up. I spent Sunday night with him and he gave me his house key. Last time, I gave him mine, but not this time. I'm waiting.

I believe in second chances, but I also believe that I need to keep myself at a distance for now. He will NOT hurt me again, even should he break up with me again, I will not allow it. I'm doing my best to think positive, to believe him when he says he was miserable without me.. why would he say that if he wasn't, yet he still does not get my house key this time.

My family and some friends have berated me, telling me I'm stupid, not in those words but close enough. Pissed me off that right now I'm not talking to any of them. I was happy with him, very happy and so sad when not with him... AND since the time I spent with Tessa's father, I was able to close that chapter finally. While I still care about him, that intense feeling I had for him is no longer there and I've finally figured out that I would not take him back should he and his girlfriend break up - I love him because he is my daughters father and he is doing his best to show us that he is a changed man, which he is, but I'm no longer in love with him. Finally. If I can give him a second chance, there's no reason why I cannot give local guy a second chance.

I finally got the pictures of our visit with him and will post a few after this post. Being with local guy, who I will call Tom, since that's his name, feels right, feels so right...

New pants....

Size 12. Not sure when I last wore a size 12. In my teenage years all I wore were 501 button up levis....

Go me!