I met someone...

I'll call him K for now. He's awesome. Tom broke up with me again and it didn't even bother me. I never should have taken him back a second time. K and I have a LOT in common, we talk constantly, we laugh all the time, we like many of the same things to do. He's just incredible.

Both of us just came out of a bad relationship, so we are taking it slow which works good for me and I think for K too. I adore him though. He took me out on a real date. I haven't been on a real date since I don't know when! Tom never took me out... Plus, K likes to cuddle, hold hands, hug and not just in private. Tom didn't like any of that even when we were in the house and it seemed like it was an effort to even hold my hand... but K is not like that - he is nothing like Tom. We enjoy each others company and that is something I haven't had with a man in years - not like this at least.

I am being careful, I am keeping my heart close to myself for now. But he makes me happy and so far I haven't seen any red flags and believe me, I'm looking for them, there just aren't any there as of yet. I'm sure there will be things about him that bother me, just as I'm sure there will be the same for him, but he's very good at communicating with me, so I'm sure we will discuss them, we seem to tell each other everything.... and at the risk of repeating myself... I adore him and I'm happy and smile more than I have in a long long time.

Peace.

Still going...

As far as I know Tom and I are still together though it's getting rather difficult.. I've met a few men that have wanted to date me that I have turned down, even though I haven't seen him in over a week... One I kind of like too.

I hadn't heard from him since Thursday night - so at 5 last night (Sunday) I left a message asking him if he had broken up with me again and just hadn't told me yet. He called at 545am this morning woke me up, but I had to get up anyways. He's been sleeping. Probably taking his pills and going to sleep... he's depressed he can't find a job. I understand this, but I don't think it's appropriate to go like that without calling me - unless we aren't committed and I just don't know.

I miss intimacy. I miss holding hands, being held. All that....

I'm confused, but I owe it to me to see where this goes.

Valentines day

First time in many years that I haven't been single on this day. He is laying next to me sound asleep, while I of course have insomnia. I'm making eggs, bacon, latkes and ♥ shaped regular pancakes.

I'm still taking this really really slow. I met a man a few days before Tom called me and he's been calling me now, not sure what to do. I don't cheat, but are we committed? I don't know because I'm doing things different this time and haven't asked him. Last time we talked about marriage within a few weeks, we went way to fast - now I won't even discuss it.

I don't call Tom, unless it's a return call. He calls me for the most part. I did invite him over for dinner tonight and breakfast tomorrow morning and I did get him a small valentines day present, a coffee mug with a little bear in it that's holding a heart that says love on it... so we'll see what happens...

On another note, today I began my working out hoping that I can keep it going. I lifted 30 pounds 20 times. Then I did my ab cruncher thingie...

I guess I better go and try to sleep, since he gets up early and I'll have to too.

He called...

Local guy, called. Superbowl Sunday, asked me to spend the day with him.. so I did. Asked me to come home with him, but I had to get home to my son first. Asked me if I would come over afterwards - so I did. We talked. We agreed we went to fast. He said he was miserable without me, he just couldn't see his life without me - but there's more. He feels like he won't be around much longer... not around like in Vegas, but alive and he didn't want me to watch him die. I don't know where that comes from and wasn't sure how to respond...

I told him that he was the first man in 2o years that I had been able to open up to and that any time I had with him was what I wanted. We will move slower this time. I decided that I was going to do things different on my end as well. I do not call him, unless he asks me to call him. He however calls me everyday and while we don't see each other everyday, I am okay with this, taking it slow this time. He tells me he loves me, he tells me he missed me every moment I was gone, that he thought about me all the time. I love him, but I am keeping my heart close to my soul and not opening it up fully this time, not yet, not now, perhaps eventually I will - well, yes, I will if it continues, but I do have a small wall built up - I have a feeling he knows it, cause he too is different. Rather than me always the one to go to him and kiss him, he comes to me, he pulls me close to him, he takes my hand in his when we are out (we've only been to the market and the bar that one time for superbowl) but HE is the one that shows all the affection. I return it, but I don't initiate it as I did before. Marriage is not brought up and I will NOT be the one to bring it up. I spent Sunday night with him and he gave me his house key. Last time, I gave him mine, but not this time. I'm waiting.

I believe in second chances, but I also believe that I need to keep myself at a distance for now. He will NOT hurt me again, even should he break up with me again, I will not allow it. I'm doing my best to think positive, to believe him when he says he was miserable without me.. why would he say that if he wasn't, yet he still does not get my house key this time.

My family and some friends have berated me, telling me I'm stupid, not in those words but close enough. Pissed me off that right now I'm not talking to any of them. I was happy with him, very happy and so sad when not with him... AND since the time I spent with Tessa's father, I was able to close that chapter finally. While I still care about him, that intense feeling I had for him is no longer there and I've finally figured out that I would not take him back should he and his girlfriend break up - I love him because he is my daughters father and he is doing his best to show us that he is a changed man, which he is, but I'm no longer in love with him. Finally. If I can give him a second chance, there's no reason why I cannot give local guy a second chance.

I finally got the pictures of our visit with him and will post a few after this post. Being with local guy, who I will call Tom, since that's his name, feels right, feels so right...