Tuesday, March 2, 2010

I'm a bit angry...

I remained in Las Vegas, for my daughter mostly. Because she didn't want to leave Las Vegas and so I put my life on hold and remained. I put it on hold for my youngest boy too - I stopped dating for the first 11 years of his life.

I'm VERY proud of my daughter, she wants to major in Marine Biology. But, I'm angry now. She is looking into Universities in California and Hawaii. MOVING AWAY FROM VEGAS. And I'm stuck here since the boy has decided that he doesn't want to leave Las Vegas now and that my making him leave is making him leave his grandfather which he knows plays guilt on me. My father is his only grandfather, my stepfather doesn't claim any of my kids as a grand child and my mother, well, she is just distant all the time. But, now she wants to leave and that just pisses me off. I understand that she needs to spread her wings and fly, that to be a Marine Biologist going to a University in the desert of Las Vegas is not ideal and I don't want her to stay here and throw her dreams away - but now I'm questioning my own throwing away of dreams for her and my youngest boy. Perhaps, I shouldn't have done that?

Also, my daughters father and his girlfriend, the man I am still in love with, bought her a bus ticket to visit them in Lancaster, Ca. about 3 hours from here. I'd already told her that I wanted to take her down there, she could pay for my gas there, so I could also see my granddaughter, but she has begun to stop listening to me... she asked him if they could see her two sisters (the 16 yr old and 17 yr old) and he asked them if they would meet her and him half way between the them.. I don't want her ANYWHERE near these two girls and especially their mother, I spent all this time raising her, keeping her away from ugliness like them, yes the three of them are ugly - all three doing drugs and drinking. So, we fought about that last night. I know that if the mother says anything to her at all, I'll end up going out there and kicking the shit out of her... I'll find her since I know the small town they live in and it's VERY small. I'm going to call him and speak to him, tell him how I feel about this meeting of the the girls. I already know that the mother will be there, the girls don't drive and the mother is always trying to get him with her (according to him)... plus, I know her well. There's no way she will pass up a chance to meet my daughter and quite possibly even say something to her. Tess is very aware of the crap this women pulled and how she played a huge part in me taking her away from her father and keeping her from him, but she tells me that I have nothing to worry about - that IF the woman says anything to her about anything especially me, she'll be the first to speak up and put her in her place. I don't doubt my daughter won't do it - she is after all my daughter, but why even put yourself in that position at all??

We talked last night about how her father seems so whipped by his new girlfriend (again though I really like the girlfriend) and how she thinks he never stands up for himself - and asked me how come she is such an in your face person when her father is so whipped. I had to laugh... and then told her - she got that from him and I, that both of us are like that, though I think he is so medicated up now that he's not so much like that - I am still.... I stand up for myself still and for my kids, always.

To top all of it off, I'm smack dab in the middle of some kind of major depression, a funky ick that doesn't want to lift and won't let my brain think the way I know it can and should.

I'm just a mess and not enjoying life at this time.

2 comments:

JoeinVegas said...

Sorry about all that - it's a lot to think about.

徐老師 said...

你的部落格不錯哦,我來享受一下~~ ........................................