Playing Peek a boo with Nana on Skype

Being her cute little self

Been a while since I've posted...

Just a quick note everythings okay, well...that's not really true. Between me and the man things are good.. my family, well things are not so good.. not really up to writing about it right now, pretty depressing... but I'll get to it, perhaps this weekend. In the meantime.. a picture of me and Ditto at his birthday party that I threw for him on the 10th and a new one of my gorgeous granddaughter!

Peace.

Urgh!

Okay, I think I fixed it so no more Chinese/Japanese whatever spam on my comments! Wow, annoying as all hell for sure.

PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Does ANYONE know how to block my japanese porn-bot from posting in my comments. Argh!

Oh how happy this day was...

Now? Not so sure.

Cheating...

What do you consider cheating? Is it just about the physical stuff? Or do you think cheating can mean the mental and emotional stuff without the physical stuff?

I'm beginning

To hate my life.

Does anyone know...

Someone keeps sending me comments on my blog in JAPANESE! Does anyone know how I can translate it (my japanese is not fluent) or how I can find out who is doing it so I can contact them and let them know I can't read what they are saying! lol

There's so much to say..

I just don't know where to start. Perhaps tomorrow I can put some of this shit to words and get some feedback... Picture of Kip and I this weekend in Pioche, NV.

My man and me.. and my gorgeous granddaughter!

There's so much to share... but I thought I would share a few pictures first, then eventually get to the other stuff... Also, throwing in a few new ones of Nova.. she's getting SO big!

He says...

I'm spoiled. Not in a mean way, a nasty mean way... a nice endearing kind of way. And truth be known, yes, he's been spoiling me. Not with gifts, material things - but with his attention, his hand holding, his cuddling, his conversations... his sharing of himself. I keep thinking it's to good to be true, not sure how to deal with it just yet but I'm not letting go... I'm not going to walk away or push him away - because I feel content, really really content for the first time in a long time...but I am trying to keep my self slightly distant, not so much that it's getting in the way of a loving, caring relationship, but enough that I hopefully won't be hurt. Yet, if I don't take the risk, I can't ever know if this is real.

There's drama behind the scenes, but I'm just not up to typing it right now.

I just know that I am glad he found me, cause I wasn't looking.

I met someone...

I'll call him K for now. He's awesome. Tom broke up with me again and it didn't even bother me. I never should have taken him back a second time. K and I have a LOT in common, we talk constantly, we laugh all the time, we like many of the same things to do. He's just incredible.

Both of us just came out of a bad relationship, so we are taking it slow which works good for me and I think for K too. I adore him though. He took me out on a real date. I haven't been on a real date since I don't know when! Tom never took me out... Plus, K likes to cuddle, hold hands, hug and not just in private. Tom didn't like any of that even when we were in the house and it seemed like it was an effort to even hold my hand... but K is not like that - he is nothing like Tom. We enjoy each others company and that is something I haven't had with a man in years - not like this at least.

I am being careful, I am keeping my heart close to myself for now. But he makes me happy and so far I haven't seen any red flags and believe me, I'm looking for them, there just aren't any there as of yet. I'm sure there will be things about him that bother me, just as I'm sure there will be the same for him, but he's very good at communicating with me, so I'm sure we will discuss them, we seem to tell each other everything.... and at the risk of repeating myself... I adore him and I'm happy and smile more than I have in a long long time.

Peace.

I'm a bit angry...

I remained in Las Vegas, for my daughter mostly. Because she didn't want to leave Las Vegas and so I put my life on hold and remained. I put it on hold for my youngest boy too - I stopped dating for the first 11 years of his life.

I'm VERY proud of my daughter, she wants to major in Marine Biology. But, I'm angry now. She is looking into Universities in California and Hawaii. MOVING AWAY FROM VEGAS. And I'm stuck here since the boy has decided that he doesn't want to leave Las Vegas now and that my making him leave is making him leave his grandfather which he knows plays guilt on me. My father is his only grandfather, my stepfather doesn't claim any of my kids as a grand child and my mother, well, she is just distant all the time. But, now she wants to leave and that just pisses me off. I understand that she needs to spread her wings and fly, that to be a Marine Biologist going to a University in the desert of Las Vegas is not ideal and I don't want her to stay here and throw her dreams away - but now I'm questioning my own throwing away of dreams for her and my youngest boy. Perhaps, I shouldn't have done that?

Also, my daughters father and his girlfriend, the man I am still in love with, bought her a bus ticket to visit them in Lancaster, Ca. about 3 hours from here. I'd already told her that I wanted to take her down there, she could pay for my gas there, so I could also see my granddaughter, but she has begun to stop listening to me... she asked him if they could see her two sisters (the 16 yr old and 17 yr old) and he asked them if they would meet her and him half way between the them.. I don't want her ANYWHERE near these two girls and especially their mother, I spent all this time raising her, keeping her away from ugliness like them, yes the three of them are ugly - all three doing drugs and drinking. So, we fought about that last night. I know that if the mother says anything to her at all, I'll end up going out there and kicking the shit out of her... I'll find her since I know the small town they live in and it's VERY small. I'm going to call him and speak to him, tell him how I feel about this meeting of the the girls. I already know that the mother will be there, the girls don't drive and the mother is always trying to get him with her (according to him)... plus, I know her well. There's no way she will pass up a chance to meet my daughter and quite possibly even say something to her. Tess is very aware of the crap this women pulled and how she played a huge part in me taking her away from her father and keeping her from him, but she tells me that I have nothing to worry about - that IF the woman says anything to her about anything especially me, she'll be the first to speak up and put her in her place. I don't doubt my daughter won't do it - she is after all my daughter, but why even put yourself in that position at all??

We talked last night about how her father seems so whipped by his new girlfriend (again though I really like the girlfriend) and how she thinks he never stands up for himself - and asked me how come she is such an in your face person when her father is so whipped. I had to laugh... and then told her - she got that from him and I, that both of us are like that, though I think he is so medicated up now that he's not so much like that - I am still.... I stand up for myself still and for my kids, always.

To top all of it off, I'm smack dab in the middle of some kind of major depression, a funky ick that doesn't want to lift and won't let my brain think the way I know it can and should.

I'm just a mess and not enjoying life at this time.

Nova...

It's apparent my grand daughter is getting such a personality, I miss her lots!

Still going...

As far as I know Tom and I are still together though it's getting rather difficult.. I've met a few men that have wanted to date me that I have turned down, even though I haven't seen him in over a week... One I kind of like too.

I hadn't heard from him since Thursday night - so at 5 last night (Sunday) I left a message asking him if he had broken up with me again and just hadn't told me yet. He called at 545am this morning woke me up, but I had to get up anyways. He's been sleeping. Probably taking his pills and going to sleep... he's depressed he can't find a job. I understand this, but I don't think it's appropriate to go like that without calling me - unless we aren't committed and I just don't know.

I miss intimacy. I miss holding hands, being held. All that....

I'm confused, but I owe it to me to see where this goes.