Friday, May 1, 2009

To be clear

There are many forms of abuse. I've been on the receiving end of all of them. Eventually, you can read some of my story when it is published on Violence Unsilenced. The button for it is over there -----> and there are 2 new stories each week, I'm in line somewhere... Don't wait for my story, go there and read others, they are heartbreaking.

Timmy drinks and gets verbally abusive. I walk away. When Timmy doesn't drink he's a gentleman, kind, considerate etc. This is ultimately the reason I decided that our relationship would not go any further than it is now and I've been doing some soul searching this week, trying to decide if I should walk away completely or not. He always apologizes, but that just doesn't work for me. I won't give him an ultimatium, me or the drink, but what I will do and have begun to do, is distance myself from him. I no longer call him, though he calls me everyday more than once. Sometimes I answer, sometimes I don't. It's how "I" am dealing with it right now. One thing, he hasn't drank all week, I haven't asked why, because I don't care why, only that for the past week he hasn't drank - and still I'm keeping myself at a distance.

The boy.. Perhaps it is time to give you their names. My youngest child, my 13 year old is called Chance (yes, that is his name). My daughter, her name is Tessa. And my oldest boy, who will be making me a grandma soon, is Morgan. My DIL is Amanda. There, now it seems more personal I guess.

Chance, is difficult at best. Much of this can be blamed on me. Who else is to be blamed? His father has never been in his life and when he was born I had made a conscious desicion not to date till the kids were older. I do not believe in bringing men in and out of a childs life. So, other than my father, who's really been sick the better part of Chances life (his illness didn't just happen recently, his heart has been giving him trouble since his first triple bypass at age 40)Dad really hasn't been able to be there for him, as a male role model or even a grandfather, as he was to both Tess and Morgan when they were little. (Though admittedly Tess is and always has been his favorite)

While I say Chance is a difficult child, he isn't a "bad" child, though he makes some bad choices. He doesn't smoke, do drugs, have sex nothing like that (which I was doing all of those things at his age). He's passionate about skateboarding and baseball (playing not watching).

Chance doesn't hit me, but he hits walls. He steals from me and his sister. He's verbally abusive to his sister, calling her fat and other things that I won't repeat here. But when it comes to me, he is even more viscious. Yet, nothing adds up. If I am sick, he is all over me, what can I do for you, are you hungry, do you want me to go to the store and really is a little caretaker...

But, when I try to discipline him, he rages. "I hate you" "Fuck you" "You're a shitty mom" and those are the mild things he says. He makes me cry. He lies to me. Often times if I am on the phone he will act out and the person on the other end is flabergasted by the way he speaks to me. I wouldn't let a man I was dating/married to, speak to me the way Chance speaks to me, yet I haven't a clue what to do about this. Glen has been here at the house when Chance acts out and he has said something to Chance, but he doesn't listen not to Glen, not to me. Both Glen and Timmy have told me that they will kick his ass, this usually comes from hearing me cry and wondering where I went wrong. But, I don't hit my kids. I HAVE, but I don't like to do it and I don't think I would let anyone else do it.

Reading this back, it all just seems like he's a typical 13 year old boy, but he's not. I don't seem to be able to articulate his true character, or at least the abusive part. Oh, he's also been lighting fires in the backyard, spits on the walls (spits juice, milk, koolaid things like that so he can watch it run down the wall). He has chores that he has had for 8 years now, yet I still have to tell him to do them and then he gets verbally abusive towards me for that. I end up doing the chores (no he does not get an allowance). Last month I decided not to do Chances chores OR Tessa's chores (cause yep, I have to tell her every night too)for 3 weeks I did nothing but vacuum when I could get it to work...

My house. was. disgusting. There was piles of trash all over the kitchen and living room. Not one clean dish or silverware in the house, nor any clean pots or pans. I hid in my room with the door shut, I couldn't stand it... finally, I spent almost a week cleaning the front part of the house.

If I had the money, I would send him to Military school. He wants to live with his grandfather, but my father is not healthy enough to take care of him and he won't be for a long time now.

I just don't know what to do with him and it makes me so sad. I am so afraid that he is going to grow up and be abusive to his girlfriends/wife... not physically, he has never raised a hand to me, that would be the final straw for me, it would be then that I would have to beat him to a pulp.. as much as I hate violence, I could not stand for him to raise his hand to me.

I've said it before. I don't know how to raise a boy. I try to teach him that women are to be respected, this is a BIG thing for me. One of the most important lessons that I think I could and SHOULD teach him. But, somewhere I am going wrong and for the life of me, I cannot figure out what it is that I am not doing right.

I know that I am just so very tired of it all, but I don't want to give up on him. He's my boy. My baby. One of the three love of my lifes. I pray every night for guidence, to be shown the way to do this, to teach him right, I love him so much, it just hurts so much.

I just do not know what to do anymore.


mom2boys said...


I wish I had some insightful advice to give. I don' boys are still little. I have no clue what having a early teen son is yet. I will pray that God guides you in the right direction with Chance. Don't give appears he needs you now more than ever. : )


Solanaceae said...

My heart is so heavy for you. I wish I could be there for you. But I said it in email, I'll say it again, have you thought about enrolling him in Big Brothers Big Sisters? It sounds to me like Chance needs a steady male role model in his life. Also, the setting fires thing is REALLY, REALLY, REALLY bad and indicative of a larger problem in most cases. It also sounds like he may have a case of caregiver syndrome. One of my good friends out here had similar situation with her daughter who is only a little older than Chance. Counseling helped them work in through. I am keeping you all in my thoughts. Hang in there.

DysFUNctional Mom said...

Oh, honey, this makes me hurt for you. I've had some rough times with my teen boy but not that bad. I truly hope it gets better.