A blast from the past and more, this one is a dozey of post...Part One of ?

"opening me up to lots of judgement, probably some pain as some old wounds open up...do me a favor though, if you must judge me, do it on your own blog, not in my comments, but really unless you want to walk in my shoes back when...judging me isn't cool"

I'll start with this though.. This blogging stuff is pretty cool. Not only do I get to meet new people... I get to meet old friends as well.

Somehow, one such old friend found me, while reading someone elses blog. How awesome in the land of awesome is that? Frankly, I find it pretty awesomeness, shut up, I can make up words if I want, it's my blog. Aren't you glad I'm not talking about how sick I am (I really think I am allergic to the new dude and he to me, cause he's sick too, the freak) ok, don't get me started on that cause that's not what I want to write about... Her coming into my life has stirred up a ton of memories, not just of how are lives crossed one way, or how they crossed the other way and what happened after that (which has nothing to do with her or her man)

Now, she can correct me if my story is wrong, but I'm going to try and remember back when and how we met.. well, I remember how we met it was on AOL (yesm I am a recovering AOLer *sigh*). In fact if memory serves me right, I think I met him, her him, before her and through him, I met her (right?). And if I also remember correctly, many hers, other hers wanted him and totally disrespected her in ways only women can do, because women are brutal especially when it comes to men and breaking the girl code. What's the girl code you ask? Or is that just my head asking and not you, but that would be strange because my head knows what the girl code is, part of it is, YOU DON'T GO AFTER OTHER WOMENS MEN, no matter what. If she's a friend or not, you just don't do it... well, I don't and most the women I have had contact with do (not all, but more the majority than not, at least in my life). I think that, that is what brought her and I together, I wasn't going after her man and I wouldn't and I think she knew this from the beginning.

I think the year was 1995. They lived on the east coast, where I wanted to be and I lived in Vegas, where they wanted to be and then they came. And we met face to face and we became friends. And I loved having them here, though I still hated being in Vegas. They found a place to live, parked their harley in my backyard and we did what friends do and all that jazz. But, their stay here in Vegas was short lived and they decided to move back to the east. I was jealous, very jealous. They were to return to a place they came from, leaving me behind in a place I was miserable. We said our goodbyes and we kept in touch for a while and then... I'm not sure what happened, other than life on each side of the country happened to all of us. I'm thinking that she had her accident, which she explains briefly on her blog and about that time, I went nuts. Literally went nuts. This is where it gets difficult...

See, in 1996, I lost my mind. I had what was to be the second, but not the last of what I believe was a mental breakdown. I had a 7 year old and a 2 year old, raising them alone, in a home I had bought thinking that my most awesome job was going to remain intact even as we pulled our business out of California which we told the owners doing so would bring our revnue down into the red drastically and if we do that will we still have a job and the reply was, yes...only for them to close down the office 3 months later, giving me and the other woman who ran it with me a half hour to remove our belongings (which we did and removed more than what was ours, shut up, we'd just been screwed, didn't get to cum and we were pissed off).

So, there I was a single mother, my two friends that were basically my only friends here gone, my Uncle living with us OD'd on herion and the police came, followed by my father at 4 in the morning (dad took my Uncle, the police left and my breakdown escalated). And here is where things got odd, where I retreated into myself and quite possibly is the time that I lost contact with my friends that had gone back from where they had come.

After the lose of my job, my Uncle ODing, my friends leaving and other stuff happening I knew I was close to blowing my brains out, and thus I began by begging my father to take the kids so that I could check into a hospital, I knew I was sick and needed 24 hour help. He would take the girl, but the boy he said he couldn't take cause he was just 2. He called my mother, who's never been of help when it came to my kids,or me for that matter and told her that she must take the boy, of course she refused

But someway, somehow he scared her enough that a day (or perhaps she got a motherly bone all the sudden where I was concerned)and or so later she arrived from California with my brother, took a look at me, my house and my kids and proceeded to do things. By doing things, she cleaned my home, took me shopping for food and other needed things, bathed the kids, telling me to take a shower, washed clothes, did things that are very not like my mother, she never took care of me as a child and here she was doing things for me, which pretty much sent me over the edge, gave me that push into complete insanity. All I wanted was for someone to take my kids, keep them safe and let me be insane in a place that knew how to actually take care of me and get me better.

Ok, this is where I stop, since my head keeps nodding off on to my keyboard, making little indentations in my face. Ok, not really about the indentations, but there have been quite a bit of this yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy and this ooooooooooooooooooooooooo and a lot of backspacing, plus since I have a feeling this is going to be a really long story, I should break it up in a few posts, not to mention I can't keep my eyes open, I don't have to normally look at the screen or the keyboard, but all of the sudden my brains gone to mush and the words are coming out of my fingertips really strange... so we will call this post as part 1 of ?

Peace..