My father.

I'm here in Phx, once again to visit with my father. Those who do not know, he has been here since August waiting for a heart transplant. Currently, the only thing keeping him alive are medications, IV style. He and his wife have a small apartment now, a minute from the Mayo Clinic where the transplant will be done.

I am the strong one in the family. I don't cry in front of any of them, keeping my emotions in check. It took me 7 hours to make a 5 hour drive due to traffic. When I arrived I was exhausted, but my fathers wife needed help so I stayed with them for about 4 hours doing things around the apartment.

At one point my father, who cannot walk without a walker now, (he is 65), cannot get up off the chair or couch or bed, without help and needs help going to the bathroom. In August before coming down here, he was 6'4 and 300 pounds. Now he weighs 215. After dinner he was sitting on the couch and couldn't get up, I helped him up, gave him his walker and watched him walk down towards the bathroom...

As I watched him walking, I was taken back to 4 years ago, watching my grandmother use the same type of walker, till she could no longer stand and began sitting on it scooting with her feet or being pushed by one of us... a month later she was dead.

I broke down. As he left the room, I began crying so hard that I was hyperventilating. The only reason I am here is my stepmother asked me to come, said it would make him happy to see us. I, ever the selfish girl, would like to leave right now and go home without seeing him again. I don't want to remember him like this and I fear that he will not get a heart in time. I've tried to keep positive thoughts, but seeing him last night was the last straw. I cried all the way to the hotel and cried myself to sleep...

I just don't know what to do anymore. This is pushing me over the edge and has me pretty scared.