Thursday, January 7, 2010

What a way to start out my new year!

I wore these pants over a year ago... size 28.
And yesterday, I bought these pants.... size 14. I think the last time I wore a size 14, I was maybe 18 or 20.
And the legs of these pants are STILL to big - but I'm really not complaining! Another 40 pounds I'd like to lose... I lost 17 pounds in 29 days this time. I've been averaging about 8 to 10 pounds a month - though last month I didn't lose any, so I guess I made up for it this month!

I also ordered those new Sketchers Shape Up sneakers. A friend of mine bought some and the first time she walked her 5 miles on her treadmill with them she said she had no lower back pain! I'm hoping they help me like that! They are supposed to help tone your legs and butt and if I can walk through the market without my lower back hurting or to much pain in my foot, than I intend on walking the dog everyday. I'm so anxious to get them! My brother sent me a gift certificate for Christmas so they only cost me 8.16$ instead of 108.16$!!! I think this is going to be a good year, as long as I can whip my boy back into shape... raising a boy is SO much different than raising a girl.... ICK!

There's a military school near Hershey or maybe in Hershey, Pa that is free. I'm seriously thinking that that may be what he needs since I seem to suck in the discipline department. My friend in Pa sent me the info about it, so I'm going to at least look into it and perhaps when I get my settlement I may take a trip out there alone to check it out. If I do decide to send him there, I'll be moving to Pa too. My daughter is supposed to be talking to a recruiter this week for the Coast Guards. She's thinking about joining for 4 years, than going into the Peace Corp for 2 years. I've told her not to sign anything, till she brings it all to me and we go over it together, I've also asked her to at least finish this one year of college. If she makes it through bootcamp they will pay for her to go to school which would help her out tremendously. She's talked about majoring in BioChemistry - I just hope that if she does join the Coast Guards, she doesn't go into some speciality there, or there could be a chance she would be sent into a war zone and that scares me a lot. But, I'll deal with that if/when the time comes.

Next weekend her father and his girlfriend are coming out to see us. It will be the first time he has seen her since she was about 8 weeks old. I'm nervous and anxious all at the same time. This is the man who is/was/might still be, the love of my life. I have never been able to get over him, even after the horrible things he did to me... cause it wasn't all horrible - when it was good, it was so very good. We've been talking on the phone a bit, he's definitely changed, he's certainly not the man I ran from 18 years ago - more like the man I fell in love with 20 years ago. But, he has a girlfriend and I would never do anything to come between them or cause them trouble. He has 5 kids, my daughter is his oldest. He did tell me he wished he'd had all his children with me. He doesn't get along with the mother of the two girls who are a year and two years younger than my daughter - the woman he cheated with on me and the other mother is barely in the picture with the other 2 little ones who are 12 and 11. He has custody of those two. What's interesting is our daughter is the only one that looks anything like him and when I happened to mention that, he said, "I know, but I'm afraid to get tested to see if they are mine". I think it's because he loves them and would be devastated if they turned out not to be his. Personally, I wouldn't put it past the woman of the older girls, knowing her as I do (well remembering her) she did everything in her power to get him away from me, even after he told her more than once he didn't want to be with her, he wanted to be with me and our daughter as a family. But, the man was in the throes of meth addiction and she would bring it around, knowing it was something that would get him to go with her. He even admits it. When I asked him, why he just didn't stay away from me (even before I was pregnant) he said that I represented sanity in an insane time and that he so wanted a normal life, but just didn't know how to have one due to his own childhood.

He's apologized to me over and over for the way he treated me. How he took advantage of my kindness and compassion and love for him. How no one had ever treated him the way I did back then. He asked for my forgiveness. I'd forgiven him years ago, I told him - it was the only way I could live without all the anger inside of me. He's answered every question I've asked him, questions I've been holding inside for 18+ years. He's been sincere and open and I can tell he has changed completely. If I didn't think he'd changed, we wouldn't have invited him and his girlfriend to come to Vegas. His girlfriend is really nice, I've spoken to her on the phone as well. I'm glad he has found a good woman and told him so, his reply: "I had a good woman 20 years ago" - my heart skipped a beat. I have no expectations about this meeting, only that I hope we can be friends and he feels the same way. I think that is doable. But, not sure how he can be a dad to Tess after all these years... we shall see what happens. At the very least, she will be able to ask him questions and get some answers that I am not able to answer. She knows about the violence and drugs and cheating on me - I've always given her age appropriate information when she would ask about him, which really wasn't often. My biggest fear was that she would meet him, the man he is today a good decent man and hate me for taking her away from him. So, I called her the other day and asked her to come over, that I needed to talk to her. I straight out asked her if she hated me, if she was angry with me, if she had any bad feelings about me for taking her away and she told me no, never. She's angry with him though. I can understand that. He's been in the other kids lives, off and on, but not hers. He didn't start looking for her till last year, but he will have to explain all that to her - while he's already told me why, it's best that she hears it from him. He texts her every morning wishing her a good day and telling her he loves her - she finds it awkward, but it's just going to be an adjustment for all of us from here on. I'm just so grateful she doesn't blame me, that would kill me - I did what I felt needed to be done to protect her from all that ugliness. He even says that - and that I was the smart one, that I left the insanity he brought into our lives, the other 2 mothers stuck around longer. (we were together 3 years) And honestly - had he not used me as a punching bag, I probably would have stayed with him longer. I never complained about the drugs, only about the bitch that kept bringing them around. Funny thing is...

He never dragged me into the illegal stuff, pregnant or not. He robbed and stole and lied and he did it with the other two mothers of his children, but he never did it with me, never even asked me to do those things with him. It was as if he wanted to keep me safe, yet at the same time when he was trying to do the right thing, be sober and clean and a family, I always knew when he was going to go back to he drugs, he'd get angry and beat me up... but if anyone else messed with me he'd go off on them... it's like only he could fuck with me but others were damned if they tried. That's the one question I haven't asked him - How come you never brought me into the thieving and stuff - why was I the only one you kept out of that mess. To be honest, I loved him so much I probably would have done it with him, not the drugs, as I was clean and sober - but I would probably have helped him do what he needed to do to get his drugs, so he would have stayed with me rather than go off on his week or 2 binges. Today, I wouldn't do it, but back then, I was young and head over heels in love with him. I'm still in love with him, but I'll never tell him that - I'm hoping after seeing him again, I can close that chapter of love and maybe finally be able to open myself up completely to someone...

Ok, wasn't planning on writing all that, guess I needed to get it out of my system. Hopefully, it's all out now... but who knows what will come up when we see each other again.

Peace.

2 comments:

DysFUNctional Mom said...

You look great...congrats! I hope this year brings good things for you.

JoeinVegas said...

Good work on the weight - nice work! Have your daughter join the Navy - probably the safest bet to stay out of the war zone, always have a bed and a warm meal, probably help a lot in the growing up department, safe adventures and if she saves right with the GI bill then better college after. I would recommend it for all kids. (helped me out)