From the whispers of her soul: December 2009

2 weeks ago he asked me to marry him, yesterday he said we were over.

"I think about you all the time" "I love you" "I can't handle having a girlfriend" "I can't take care of me right now and so I can't take care of you" "It's not you, it's me"

Oh there's so much more. What there wasn't from me was tears. Questions, but not tears. I waited till I left for those to come. He says we can be friends, I said, no thank you. He said, "If I get to missing you real bad I'll call" I said, don't bother.

He couldn't look at me when he was talking to me. I asked him, please look at me while we are talking - "I can't, it hurts to much".

I'm trying to get back on balance and catch my breath.

If one more person tells me when one door closes, another opens, I'll crack them in the head. Doors bolted shut and windows are nailed down - finished.

It hurts, I feel like my heart was ripped out of my chest and stomped on than replaced.

Oh - to top everything else - last month my daughters father found us. The one man I've loved for 20 years and all of the sudden he comes back into our lives, a changed man from the one I knew back than a better man - I'll write more about it another time.

So much, so much.. where do I start.

On Nov 3rd, I wrote that I bought a pair of pants and they were a size 18. I said that the largest size of pants I have in my room are size 28's. A few days ago, Chance brought me a pair of pants he said were in his room and asked if they were mine. I'd never seen them before and asked to see what size they were. Well... Not my size, but I thought what the hell, I'll try them on anyways.

They went on easily enough - and after a moment of trying to button them (they zippered up fine) They fit. In both length and waist (though they are just a bit tight) oh, you want to know what size they are??

15. Yep, I said... size 15. SIZE 15! They aren't my daughters, cause she wears a 16. AND my man says I have a butt in those pants. They are cool looking too. On each leg they have a zipper that goes from the bottom of the pant leg to almost the waist (though there is fabric once you go above the knee so nothing shows)

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The boy was expelled from school the Friday before Thanksgiving. Suspended for 2 weeks, then expelled. For SMOKING POT! Stupid kid. I blame my stupid sister for 1% of this. She smokes pot around him, left her pipe and pot out and he stole it. Apparently a parent passed a group of kids (6 of them) thought that a weapon was being passed around, reported it and the 6 kids were called into the Deans office and searched. He was the only one who got in trouble. No pot was found on him or the others, but they found the pipe tucked into his sock on the bottom of his shoe. I read some of his myspace comments and the kids are saying how they can't believe he took the fall for all of them. So, he's been out of school for more almost 2 weeks now, but tomorrow he starts again - he goes to a "behavioral" school for 9 weeks and then he'll be able to attend a regular middle school again. He's on restriction from many many things and knows he no longer has my trust. IF he has perfect attendance and excellent grades there's a "slim" chance I can get him back into his regular school, the principal and other authorities there like him a lot, I've been thinking about begging for mercy to allow him back in there, but I'm conflicted on it - I don't want him around those kids anymore, but the school is only a block away from home. All the others are further away and there's no transportation. The behavioral school has transportation. He has to walk 4 blocks to where the bus picks him up at 6:52am. I refuse to take him - part of his punishment. While he is on restriction for lots of stuff, the worst two punishments I could give him I did... His hair was down just a bit past his shoulders, I had about 5 inches cut off - just at his ears - that was something that bothered him horribly.... the worse punishment was telling Papa. He thinks my father hates him already - which is far far from the truth - but I think telling Dad might have been even worse than cutting his hair. Dad wanted to give him a buzz cut, military style but I nixed that.

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My stupid sister... Saturday after Thanksgiving, she took my daughter, daughter in law and granddaughter shopping. She wanted to get my daughter in law something nice for ruining their wedding night (if I wrote about it, which I think I did, it will be somewhere in August of 2008) so while shopping a pair of underwear just "happened" to fall into my stupid sisters purse. This went unnoticed till my daughter saw her wearing them the next day. My daughter told my daughter in law who then told my son, who then told Dad and his wife. They proceeded to kick her out of the house - again. When I asked stupid sister what happened, she said that she had put them on the handles of her purse and kept looking around the store, forgot about them and then found them in her purse. (I'd already been told the story by my daughter - a different one though) I said, "did you take them back" she told me no, she wore them. I said, who the hell do you think you are talking to? I know you're lying, they didn't just happen into your purse. Both my son and I were VERY pissed. My father and his wife too, but my son and I let her have it. She put my daughter in law, my daughter and my granddaughter in jeopardy. I'm not sure if they would have been taken to jail and someone called to come get the baby, but they didn't need to be exposed to something like that. She just screws everything up and screws everyone over. She says she's sober, yet she steals my xanex (though she is no longer allowed in my home) and she smokes pot, then tells her AA sponsor she is sober. The girl is pathological and desperately needs help but everyone who's around her all the time, other than me and my kids, enable her. If they would just cut her off completely - maybe she would get some real help. I'm SO sick of it. It's like she can do no wrong, but I'm the bad person all the time.

*******

My daughter had an accident. Another car clipped her back end and she lost control of her jeep, went up the curb, took out 2 fire hydrants, a newspaper box, a rock and a tree. This just as she was coming out of work. All I could get out of her was "mommy come get me". I didn't know there had been an accident, all kinds of things went through my mind. A friend of the family put me in his car and I called her back asking where she was. "By work, look for the water" is all I could get. 4 blocks away and we could see water shooting up into the sky. I couldn't see her though. Finally I saw the jeep and freaked out, got out of the car on the other side of the street, ran through the hydrant water and found her. Got her calmed down, spoke to the 3 witnesses (thankfully there were witnesses) and then started having chest pains. Chance had tried to give me my nitro before that but I wasn't having any pains, so he put them in his pocket and was given a ride back to Dads. THEN I started having pains. Stupid sister went into my purse to look for the nitro and it was gone - but she was "nice" enough to steal my cigarettes and the 3 bic lighters I had. So when all was done, Jeep towed to my house, my daughter settled in for the night, I came home crawled into bed and then looked for the new pack of cigarettes I had in my purse. GONE! It was close to midnight by then and I was pissed. Had to get my clothes back on and drive up to the store real quick. I reamed her the next day (this was before the pot incident) and asked her why she felt the need to always steal. She whined how she had no money (cause she won't get a job) and no cigarettes. NOT my fault I told her and that I was sick of her lying and stealing - she's even tried to steal our fathers painkillers!

The Jeep will cost 1500 to fix. No one really has that kind of money and because of the way I did the insurance (listening to my father) they won't fix it. Dad said if I had uninsured motorist on it, it would cover a hit and run.. wrong. If I had collision on it, then the insurance would cover it. The Jeep isn't really worth that much money, but too late now. Dad went on a cruise last week and told me to put it in the shop and he would pay for it when he got back. So I did what he said to do. I'll have to pay him back for that, plus the new brakes they put on a few weeks ago and the new fuel pump that was put in a month or so ago - when I get my money. So about 3000$ it will cost me. I'm NOT happy. But the very main thing, the most important thing in the world - she wasn't injured. Thankfully she wears her seatbelt and while she was in shock at first and sore for a few days afterwards, she wasn't hurt, not even a scratch. (see bottom of post for a couple of pictures - that blue thing under the Jeep - it's a fire hydrant!)

******

The Man and I are still together. I think it's 5 weeks now. He treats me like a queen, even while he's all messed up right now because he can't find work (they said there is like 197,000 people unemployed in Vegas) and because he can't find work and unemployment doesn't pay much, he's in a bad mood most of the time. He kind of took it out on me the other day than went home and called me telling me how sorry he was. He's not use to not having money and he believes that the man should take care of the woman in EVERY WAY. While that's a nice thought, these days with the economy and such as it is, it's not really something that can be done. He won't take money from me (I've never offered since I'm not really in the position to give it) but we've talked about it and he wants to be able to take care of me. I just tell him all the time, we are committed to each other and that means we take care of each other, in all ways. He's damn stubborn though, but I just keep reassuring him that we will get through this and all will be fine. I'm so use to living without money, it doesn't bother me anymore plus, I'm not high maintenance I don't have to go out to fancy dinners and stuff like that - I really am at my happiest when I'm just sitting next to him or cuddling with him. He says he's never met a woman like me, one who wants to give and not take - that every woman he's been with always just wants wants wants. I tell him the only thing I want, is to be with him. I'm a pretty simple woman when it comes to things like that. I don't "need" fancy schmancy stuff. I need to be loved and know I'm loved.

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I have something else to write about - but its 3am here and while I have insomnia as per usual, I'm going to write about that in the next few days...