From the whispers of her soul

Violence and the right to keep and bear arms.

2011-08-24T21:47:00.000-07:00

I've written a few pieces on violence, specifically, Domestic Violence. The two pieces I've written in the last two years are published on the internet, however, due to the graphic nature of them, I'm not going to provide a link for them here... but, I am a writer and it's what I do, to purge, to live, to learn, to share - for hope, for peace, for faith, for love.. for me.

When I left my daughters father, I never thought I would be abused by a man again. And until a little over a week ago, I wasn't - well, not physically. And then came my so called 'friend' who let's face it, shouldn't have been in my life in the first place. He's an alcoholic. I can say that - because I am one too. A few weeks ago, he drank (as usual), become belligerent and violent towards me (something even in all his drunken stupors has never done), my sons friend and my son. He is now sitting in a jail cell waiting for his hearing that I will have to testify at on August 31st. Am I scared? Certainly. If they kick him out that day, I don't know what he will do. He'll most likely have money, go get shit drunk and in a fight with someone (hopefully not me - though there is a protection order in place) But, really, I don't want to write about all that, what happened no longer matters, only that it happened. And quite possibly has changed me forever.

One of my very good friends, calls me a tree hugger. And I guess he is correct. After all, I have on my Jeep- teach peace as well as, "why do we kill people, who kill people, to show killing people is wrong". I have on my mirror in my room a peace sign, a sticker that says, "war doesn't show who is right, only who is left". And my favorite, "Make love, not war" I wear a silver peace sign around my neck at all times. I even have a peace sign tattoo'd on the inside of my left arm and a peace dove tattoo'd on my neck.

But, now, I don't think I'm so much of a tree hugger. I've been pushed into a position to go against the things that I stand for, because there is far too much violence in this world and because I must protect myself but mostly, I must protect my boyo, my flesh and blood from any more violence. I have a gun, currently not in my home. Next week, I intend on registering it. I intend on learning how to shoot it and I intend on using it, if my boyo or me are in danger. I WILL use it.

I couldn't and probably wouldn't have said that a month ago. Because I don't believe that violence against violence is right. And I still don't believe that. However, if my boyo is in any danger, I must protect him. I am his mother, aren't I supposed to protect him in anyway I can?

I have the right to bear arms. I have the right to use those arms should I be in danger. Yet, I'm told that if I don't kill an intruder, if I simply shoot him in the leg, so my boyo and I can get to safety, I can be sued. That makes no sense to me.

I quote, in part:
"The Second Amendment (Amendment II) to the United States Constitution is the part of the United States Bill of Rights that protects the right of the people to keep and bear arms. It was adopted on December 15, 1791, along with the rest of the Bill of Rights.
In 2008 and 2010, the Supreme Court issued two Second Amendment decisions. In District of Columbia v. Heller (2008), the Court ruled that the Second Amendment protects an individual's right to possess a firearm, unconnected to service in a militia[1][2] and to use that arm for traditionally lawful purposes, such as self-defense within the home."

"THE SECOND AMENDMENT PROTECTS AN INDIVIDUALS RIGHT TO POSSESS A FIREARM, UNCONNECTED TO SERVICE IN MILITIA AND TO USE THAT ARM FOR TRADITIONALLY LAWFUL PURPOSES, SUCH AS SELF-DEFENSE WITHIN THE HOME."

Sorry you had to read that part twice, but it's important. Self-defense within the home. Why would I be sued, if I am using my firearm, registered to me, for self-defense in my home. Someone, anyone, explain it to me. Tell me like I am a 4 year old, tell me why I can't protect my boyo and me, in my home without the fear of being sued or possibly going to jail?

If it means going to jail for the rest of my life. I will. To protect my boyo, I will use it and if I have to spend the rest of my life in jail, than so be it. He is what is important. I've lived my life. I've seen much of the world. His has just begun and I will NOT allow ANYONE to be violent towards him.

I'd rather be a tree hugger. But, as I said, I've been placed in a position that goes against all I believe in, to protect my boyo from harm, I will come down from that tree, if only for a moment and exercise my right, as an American, provided to me by the Bill of Rights for the United States of America and protect my boyo in a way that I am not comfortable with, but I'll do it. I will. And, I won't miss. Then maybe, I can go back to being a tree hugger, even if I am in jail.

Because that's really who I am.

The pursuit of happiness.. or is it?

2011-07-31T12:35:00.000-07:00

Is it possible, with my documented illness' to simply give everything up, take off and live the life made only of dreams? Is it possible to rein in my boyo and once again, show him more than concrete, as I did when he was much younger? Do I worry about getting ill, without doctors, like I didn't when he was so small and all there was for him, happily, was me? Do I bother myself with the pharmaceuticals that have been poisoning my body and soul, but keeping my mind where it should be, any longer? Or is it that my mind is really beginning to come alive again, to feel that nomadic way of life, I myself lived pre-children and again, with a little curly haired boyo, too young to appreciate much or even remember much, but for pictures that show him, this is what you did?

As I listen to the news, news junkie that I am, about this debt ceiling being raised, not understanding as much as I probably could if I paid more attention, my mind can't help but wander. It's all so boring really, but according to those in "authority" all so "very" necessary, do I concern myself with this anymore, or do I say, enough is enough and remove myself and my special boyo, from this concrete jungle that never sleeps, to a place of beauty, where time may stand still, new friends may be made and life will have come full circle, at least for a while, till when he is old enough to decide which jungle he wants to live in himself.

The news channels are saying, perhaps not in these words, that these are the end of the days for us. That life as we know it, may change, certainly it will change as change is a necessary part of growth, even for a country. But, will it change for the better, which more often than not happens with growth, or for the worse, which seems to be what the doomsayers are predicting. How, in good conscience, can I allow myself to continue on this way - yet at the same time, how, can I not? Knowing, in order to keep my mind as healthy as it's been ever, I must continue on the course that's been set for me, not of my own doing, I didn't ask to be sick... but I also gave up fighting it. Is there a way, to remain healthy of mind, body and soul, without these things that poison me yet keep me healthy all at the same time? I don't know and that is the scariest thing of it all. I simply don't know.

What will happen, if I remain trapped in the cloak of illness, safety, pretty stable and predictable way I've fallen into the last 10 years and uproot it? Take it and throw it all out and begin over? Mostly, what will happen to my boyo if I DON'T do something? Will he think this is all there is to life? Is there a way to balance it all?

What I have to look forward to next week. 3 doctor appointments. 1 the following week. Will they find more disease, more illness when they look at my lungs, my heart? Can they find my soul in there somewhere, has that died off after all the sickness?

And if they don't find anymore illness, what will I do about that.

I don't know. Not yet at least. Perhaps not knowing isn't so scary, perhaps not knowing is the key to grab my ticket, my boyo and proceed down a path, neither of us know, marveling in it, LIVING it, learning, growing and just being. Perhaps, that is the way I am supposed to live. It's certainly how I thought I was to live, many years ago.

Perhaps it's time again. As the Constitution states, it is my right to the pursuit of happiness, no matter what, right?

Really?

2011-07-10T00:45:00.000-07:00

Yes, I am still alive. I need to figure out a few things, then I hope to come back to my blogger or "A" blogger and start again. I don't like the look, feel or email attached to this account. I want to be able to simply blog from my computer, without having to sign into here or elsewhere.

In the meantime, a blast from my past...

Circa: 1990. I believe I was pregnant with my daughter in this one. Left to right while looking at your computer screen. Terri, who is my daughters fathers sister and once one of my closes friends. Sadly, she passed from cancer before he found us on MySpace. Next to her, is Beth. Another very close friend, one I haven't seen in 20 years. Unfortunately, when I ran away from California, I also had to cease all contact with those that were in my life, to keep them from being harassed by my daughters father when he came around looking for us - and come around he did. He, himself, told me that he harassed a few people, but quickly realized that no one knew where I was - though it wasn't until a few years later that he asked his other sister if she knew where I was and she did and she told him. Though he never found us until whenever it was that he contacted my daughter...(more about photos below)

Next one...

Circa: Feb/March 1991. My daughter and her father. One of the very few there are of him and her for her entire life, up to the age of 18. There's photos now, but only a very few of when she was little.

These were scanned and sent to me via FB by my "niece". Well, she's not really MY niece, she's my daughters fathers niece, or she's the daughter of Terri in the first photo. She calls me auntie and has since she was little. I lost contact with her too, until she found me on FB a few months ago. It's nice to be in contact with her again. Of the 3 women that he has had children with, I am her favorite and the only one she calls Auntie. Breaks my heart what she has had to go through. She's really only about 15 years younger than myself. Her mother, as I said, passed a few years ago from cancer. Prior to that, when she was little her father took her, kidnapped. Because her mother was high on dope and alcohol all the time and couldn't take care of her. Poor girl, still doesn't understand why she was taken away. When she was little, she was in a hit and run drunk driver accident, where she was dead for 10 minutes. Now, she lives with cancer.

And I sometimes think I have it bad. Okay, so I need to figure a few things out. If anyone knows of a preferably free, but cheap will do, place I can get my own domain? Then maybe I can start blogging brand new. Oh, you can't leave a comment, well you can, but I won't know, unless I come back to the blog everyday and I don't seem to be able to do that... the email attached to this blog no longer exists, yet it won't let me use my gmail address for an alternate so if you have any info for a domain name, email me at wisprnsoul@gmail.com

Peace.

Insomnia.. of course.

2011-01-25T03:16:00.000-08:00

I have, as usual, insomnia. So, I opened up my computer and started reading my blog writings from last year, which was pretty much next to nil.

I miss writing. I miss the words pouring through my fingertips. But, admittedly, I am lazy. I get distracted easily. I find something else on the computer to go to rather than my blog and I go to it and completely ignore of forget my blog. I guess I wanted this blog to go a different direction than it did, maybe even go as far as making me some money - but the laziness, the easily being distracted it all gets in the way.

I need to try harder. I need to DO it, not just think about it. There's so much inside of me, so much that I need to purge out of me, to find answers through those that are my faithful readers. I need to stay off of Facebook, since it's driving me crazy.. well FB itself isn't, but a few people on there are. It is effecting my relationship, HE is allowing drama into our lives, through Facebook, texting and phoning and while more often than not, as I am learning more and more about me and that which surrounds me, I am not lowering myself to the level of others that have no business being in my life, I still do at times and then I am pissed at myself.

I know if I blog, that I will arrive at the answers I need, either through just seeing what I have written or through comments left for me. Perhaps I am not ready for the answers and that is why I am allowing myself to be so easily distracted... yes, that is probably right on the button.

So, while I don't make resolutions for new years, I only try to continue doing the good things I did the year before, making the small changes I want to make and keeping up with those changes that I made last year. But, I would like to try and commit myself to blogging again, as best as I can. Baby steps. Taking baby steps. I may or may not blog, but I have it in my mind again and so hopefully, I will...

Until next time,

Peace.

Nova

2011-01-22T15:57:00.000-08:00

My granddaughter is now 15 months old. Yeah, I can't believe it either! She's walking and talking and smiles all the time. Here's a few newer pictures of her - not sure if I've posted them or not and too lazy to even check... She must be the cutest punkin I have ever laid my eyes on... I am totally in love with her.

Today, Nova decided she wanted to choose the shoes she would wear, so she did and a perfect job of it she did!

Nova and her Daddy, Thanksgiving Day 2010

My family. Left to Right - Tessa, Chance, Morgan, Me and of course my little Nova Leone!

Thanksgiving Day 2010

Nova just LOVES Kip. This was Thanksgiving Day. She'd rather look at him than have Nana hold her or play with her LOL

Three generations. My Dad, My Son and My Granddaughter whose giving her Papa kisses!

Thanksgiving 2010

With her Uncle Chance, day before Thanksgiving 2010 wondering what those things are in his lips. Ugh, his ears make me cringe!

My beautiful kids - a beautiful family. Amanda my Daughter in Law, Morgan my Son and my gorgeous granddaughter Little Miss Nova Leone. A few days after Thanksgiving 2010, before they headed home.

Nova walking!

Hamming it up in her Birthday TuTu. What a personality this baby has. EVERYONE who meets her falls in love with her!

Just a reminder..

2011-01-22T15:36:00.000-08:00

I have a new blog going on, One Day, Everyday. I've challenged myself to take a picture a day for this year and post it on my facebook page. I then decided that I would also create a new blog for it and do the same here!

Although I've been pretty good at posting my photos and a caption on FB, I've not been so good doing it here. So, today I decided that I will be doing it here (well over here actually http://onedayeveryday2011.blogspot.com) once a week. I'm shooting for Saturday through Friday, 7 days with 7 pictures and explanations of each picture. So today, I have 2 posts. One of 1.12.11 and then one of 1.13.11 through 1.21.11 (though I am missing 1.18.11 as you'll see I mention on that blog) but from now on it'll only be 7 pictures.

It's been kind of interesting trying to find things during my ordinary and boring day as you'll see by some of the photo's I've taken lol but I carry my camera with me everywhere now, so hopefully there will be some interesting or intriguing shots I can share! I just hope you all can get through the really boring ones to find what I hope will be some gems. (Did I mention that for my Christmas present I bought myself a new camera? A Canon Rebel xs EOS 1000D. I purchased it at Sams Club for an awesome price and it came with an extra zoom lens and a few other extras. I couldn't pass it up, not for the price and the extras it came with and as I warm up to it, I'm finding it to be the best camera I've ever owned, aside from my very first 35mm Minolta that I was given some 30 years ago) I will reveal this if I haven't already, but one of my dreams aside from writing and having my memoir published (which would be based loosely on my life, from my journals that I have kept since the age of 11) is to also publish a "coffee table" type photographic book. I just don't know what the "theme" would be, or if I would even have one. How I wish I was able to go to different parts of the world (I have been to several other countries, but all before the age of 13) and take photo's of children, wildlife, nature or something of that sort. Perhaps one day I can fulfill both those dreams.

So, check out the new blog! Leave comments if you want, but no need to tell me I'm boring, I already know that and believe me if I didn't know that before, I certainly know that now! Haha!

I hope you enjoy, a day in the life of me, One Day, Everyday. Who knows, I may just continue doing it each year - we shall see.

Peace!

I've taken on the task...

2011-01-10T16:41:00.001-08:00

Of posting a picture a day on my facebook account and decided that I would also like to do it here. While my life is a bit mundane, I thought it would be fun to record an everyday photo. I am calling it One Day, Everyday. I know it's now the 10th of January, but I am going to post the 10 pictures I've already taken in a new post for each day. I also hope to start blogging again on a more regular basis...as well as start my granddaughters blog up again. Eventually, if I can find the time and resources, I'd also like to start doing reviews of products again.

You can find the new pictures at http://onedayeveryday2011.blogspot.com/

So without further ado... On with the show!

Peace,

Lea

Hmm..

2010-11-28T10:01:00.000-08:00

I've been reading through my blog, trying to find my grams eulogy which so far has remained elusive...I have noticed though that in October of 2008, I made comments regarding the election and all the election noise that was bothering me and surprise! I felt the same way this year as I did in 2008! Even going as far as remembering that I had said much the same things in the same words and indignant manner, both year.

Too bad I can't go further back - just to see if by some wonder of a miracle, I might have done SOME growing? By the looks of it, there's been no growth in that area at least for the last few years!

Oh well, back to see if I can find the eulogy.

And for you're enjoyment, here's one of my Nova girl at Thanksgiving. I'm waiting for the ones of her and I to come through from my daughter in law and I'll post those when I get them. A week with her wasn't enough!

Peace.
The beautiful little family.
All my kids and I.
Nova and her mama.
Nova and her "grandpa" Kip.
Nova and her Uncle Chance.

Ugh! Really?

2010-10-13T11:33:00.000-07:00

For some reason blogger will not let me upload any more pictures!! So sad! I will try later to upload the other photo's of Nova at her birthday party!

A year old!

2010-10-13T11:11:00.000-07:00

On October 2nd, 2010 my granddaughter turned a year old. Ditto and I went to Calfornia so that I could attend her birthday party. It's been a year since I've actually held her and it was so wonderful to hold her, play with her and just be there for the special occasion. Ditto was able to meet the rest of my family (other than my baby sister, my brother and his wife and their 3 kids)Mom cooked us dinner on Saturday night, which was delicious! Ditto and my stepfather seemed to hit it off real well - He got to meet Morgan, my daughter in law, Nova, my sister (who's clean and sober now something like 3 months I think and dating some guy that gave me the creeps. She also has gained quite a bit of weight, she wears the same size pants as me, size 12, whereas she use to wear a size 2-4, yeah, a lot of weight, though she is only heavy from the waist down which is odd)he also got to meet my stepbrother, exhusband, exhusbands 2nd wife and most all of my DIL's family too. We had a great time. I also found my 400$ bracelet that I had lost in my little sisters room 3 or so years ago! So excited! I looked for it everytime I was there and never found it. I suspect it was hiding real well under the bed, since there's a new bed in there - so I'm thinking it was found when moving the bed out and placed on the windowsill by my baby sister.

My Nova girl flirted constantly with Ditto, it was so freaking cute! Below are some photo's I took of her (one or two that Ditto took as well) I'm still waiting for the pictures of her opening presents and eating cake - we had to leave a bit early from the party on Sunday, in order to get back to Vegas at a decent time, so I missed those parts, but I am so happy that I got to spend an hour or so with her before anyone else showed up, though my son was running around getting last minute items forgotten and decorating the rec room as fast as he could before guests arrived, so I didn't really get to spend much time with him - or my DIL - no big deal though, I kept watch of Nova girl and played with her.. lots of fun! Enjoy the pictures!

Nova, licking her frosting fingers!
Walking with Nana! Yeah, that's right, I'm the birthday girl!
Serious look at Ditto!
You can't get me Nana!
More photo's to come. For some reason, Blogger won't let me upload anymore on this post.

Playing Peek a boo with Nana on Skype

2010-08-17T15:23:00.001-07:00

Being her cute little self

Been a while since I've posted...

2010-07-16T20:44:00.001-07:00

Just a quick note everythings okay, well...that's not really true. Between me and the man things are good.. my family, well things are not so good.. not really up to writing about it right now, pretty depressing... but I'll get to it, perhaps this weekend. In the meantime.. a picture of me and Ditto at his birthday party that I threw for him on the 10th and a new one of my gorgeous granddaughter!

Peace.

Urgh!

2010-06-17T11:10:00.000-07:00

Okay, I think I fixed it so no more Chinese/Japanese whatever spam on my comments! Wow, annoying as all hell for sure.

PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-06-09T16:30:00.001-07:00

Does ANYONE know how to block my japanese porn-bot from posting in my comments. Argh!

Oh how happy this day was...

2010-06-09T00:55:00.001-07:00

Now? Not so sure.

Cheating...

2010-05-21T13:51:00.000-07:00

What do you consider cheating? Is it just about the physical stuff? Or do you think cheating can mean the mental and emotional stuff without the physical stuff?

I'm beginning

2010-05-07T17:43:00.001-07:00

To hate my life.

Does anyone know...

2010-04-29T08:54:00.000-07:00

Someone keeps sending me comments on my blog in JAPANESE! Does anyone know how I can translate it (my japanese is not fluent) or how I can find out who is doing it so I can contact them and let them know I can't read what they are saying! lol

There's so much to say..

2010-04-26T15:15:00.001-07:00

I just don't know where to start. Perhaps tomorrow I can put some of this shit to words and get some feedback... Picture of Kip and I this weekend in Pioche, NV.

My man and me.. and my gorgeous granddaughter!

2010-04-15T08:20:00.000-07:00

There's so much to share... but I thought I would share a few pictures first, then eventually get to the other stuff... Also, throwing in a few new ones of Nova.. she's getting SO big!

He says...

2010-03-25T22:13:00.001-07:00

I'm spoiled. Not in a mean way, a nasty mean way... a nice endearing kind of way. And truth be known, yes, he's been spoiling me. Not with gifts, material things - but with his attention, his hand holding, his cuddling, his conversations... his sharing of himself. I keep thinking it's to good to be true, not sure how to deal with it just yet but I'm not letting go... I'm not going to walk away or push him away - because I feel content, really really content for the first time in a long time...but I am trying to keep my self slightly distant, not so much that it's getting in the way of a loving, caring relationship, but enough that I hopefully won't be hurt. Yet, if I don't take the risk, I can't ever know if this is real.

There's drama behind the scenes, but I'm just not up to typing it right now.

I just know that I am glad he found me, cause I wasn't looking.

I met someone...

2010-03-16T14:27:00.001-07:00

I'll call him K for now. He's awesome. Tom broke up with me again and it didn't even bother me. I never should have taken him back a second time. K and I have a LOT in common, we talk constantly, we laugh all the time, we like many of the same things to do. He's just incredible.

Both of us just came out of a bad relationship, so we are taking it slow which works good for me and I think for K too. I adore him though. He took me out on a real date. I haven't been on a real date since I don't know when! Tom never took me out... Plus, K likes to cuddle, hold hands, hug and not just in private. Tom didn't like any of that even when we were in the house and it seemed like it was an effort to even hold my hand... but K is not like that - he is nothing like Tom. We enjoy each others company and that is something I haven't had with a man in years - not like this at least.

I am being careful, I am keeping my heart close to myself for now. But he makes me happy and so far I haven't seen any red flags and believe me, I'm looking for them, there just aren't any there as of yet. I'm sure there will be things about him that bother me, just as I'm sure there will be the same for him, but he's very good at communicating with me, so I'm sure we will discuss them, we seem to tell each other everything.... and at the risk of repeating myself... I adore him and I'm happy and smile more than I have in a long long time.

Peace.

I'm a bit angry...

2010-03-02T16:36:00.000-08:00

I remained in Las Vegas, for my daughter mostly. Because she didn't want to leave Las Vegas and so I put my life on hold and remained. I put it on hold for my youngest boy too - I stopped dating for the first 11 years of his life.

I'm VERY proud of my daughter, she wants to major in Marine Biology. But, I'm angry now. She is looking into Universities in California and Hawaii. MOVING AWAY FROM VEGAS. And I'm stuck here since the boy has decided that he doesn't want to leave Las Vegas now and that my making him leave is making him leave his grandfather which he knows plays guilt on me. My father is his only grandfather, my stepfather doesn't claim any of my kids as a grand child and my mother, well, she is just distant all the time. But, now she wants to leave and that just pisses me off. I understand that she needs to spread her wings and fly, that to be a Marine Biologist going to a University in the desert of Las Vegas is not ideal and I don't want her to stay here and throw her dreams away - but now I'm questioning my own throwing away of dreams for her and my youngest boy. Perhaps, I shouldn't have done that?

Also, my daughters father and his girlfriend, the man I am still in love with, bought her a bus ticket to visit them in Lancaster, Ca. about 3 hours from here. I'd already told her that I wanted to take her down there, she could pay for my gas there, so I could also see my granddaughter, but she has begun to stop listening to me... she asked him if they could see her two sisters (the 16 yr old and 17 yr old) and he asked them if they would meet her and him half way between the them.. I don't want her ANYWHERE near these two girls and especially their mother, I spent all this time raising her, keeping her away from ugliness like them, yes the three of them are ugly - all three doing drugs and drinking. So, we fought about that last night. I know that if the mother says anything to her at all, I'll end up going out there and kicking the shit out of her... I'll find her since I know the small town they live in and it's VERY small. I'm going to call him and speak to him, tell him how I feel about this meeting of the the girls. I already know that the mother will be there, the girls don't drive and the mother is always trying to get him with her (according to him)... plus, I know her well. There's no way she will pass up a chance to meet my daughter and quite possibly even say something to her. Tess is very aware of the crap this women pulled and how she played a huge part in me taking her away from her father and keeping her from him, but she tells me that I have nothing to worry about - that IF the woman says anything to her about anything especially me, she'll be the first to speak up and put her in her place. I don't doubt my daughter won't do it - she is after all my daughter, but why even put yourself in that position at all??

We talked last night about how her father seems so whipped by his new girlfriend (again though I really like the girlfriend) and how she thinks he never stands up for himself - and asked me how come she is such an in your face person when her father is so whipped. I had to laugh... and then told her - she got that from him and I, that both of us are like that, though I think he is so medicated up now that he's not so much like that - I am still.... I stand up for myself still and for my kids, always.

To top all of it off, I'm smack dab in the middle of some kind of major depression, a funky ick that doesn't want to lift and won't let my brain think the way I know it can and should.

I'm just a mess and not enjoying life at this time.

Nova...

2010-03-01T15:40:00.001-08:00

It's apparent my grand daughter is getting such a personality, I miss her lots!

Still going...

2010-02-22T15:04:00.000-08:00

As far as I know Tom and I are still together though it's getting rather difficult.. I've met a few men that have wanted to date me that I have turned down, even though I haven't seen him in over a week... One I kind of like too.

I hadn't heard from him since Thursday night - so at 5 last night (Sunday) I left a message asking him if he had broken up with me again and just hadn't told me yet. He called at 545am this morning woke me up, but I had to get up anyways. He's been sleeping. Probably taking his pills and going to sleep... he's depressed he can't find a job. I understand this, but I don't think it's appropriate to go like that without calling me - unless we aren't committed and I just don't know.

I miss intimacy. I miss holding hands, being held. All that....

I'm confused, but I owe it to me to see where this goes.

Valentines day

2010-02-14T02:44:00.000-08:00

First time in many years that I haven't been single on this day. He is laying next to me sound asleep, while I of course have insomnia. I'm making eggs, bacon, latkes and ♥ shaped regular pancakes.

I'm still taking this really really slow. I met a man a few days before Tom called me and he's been calling me now, not sure what to do. I don't cheat, but are we committed? I don't know because I'm doing things different this time and haven't asked him. Last time we talked about marriage within a few weeks, we went way to fast - now I won't even discuss it.

I don't call Tom, unless it's a return call. He calls me for the most part. I did invite him over for dinner tonight and breakfast tomorrow morning and I did get him a small valentines day present, a coffee mug with a little bear in it that's holding a heart that says love on it... so we'll see what happens...

On another note, today I began my working out hoping that I can keep it going. I lifted 30 pounds 20 times. Then I did my ab cruncher thingie...

I guess I better go and try to sleep, since he gets up early and I'll have to too.

Nova is growing and growing faster and faster...

2010-02-14T01:35:00.000-08:00

Am I right or wrong, or does this gorgeous grand daughter of mine have the most beautiful blue eyes? My son is an awesome father, (my DIL is an awesome mother too) But he has this one flaw...

He wanted Nova to look just like her mother, dark hair and dark brown eyes! LOL (my DIL is beautiful son it wouldn't be a bad thing!) If she is anything like my boys were, she'll have blond curly hair with those big huge blue eyes..What a little angel she is.

2010-02-11T16:47:00.000-08:00

There's more pictures than these, but these are some of my favorite. I'm so glad that we are mature enough to get along, unlike the mother of Tessa's dads other two girls who freaked out that he found us and spent time with us, even though they haven't been together for over 16 years - but she did try her hardest to get him away from me for about a year and was all in her glory that I split and she had him to herself, though he left her eventually... he never loved her and was only with her for the drugs.. no reason to freak out that he found us, he was in the other 2 girls life for most of the their lives and never in Tessa's. You'd think she'd be happy that he finally found her - but some people never grow up and she's one of them. Bummer. She's also not happy he is with Jacque - where I found her to be a wonderful woman and am happy that he has met someone who is both good for him and he loves. I like her too. But then, I am a different type of woman than the ones he typically goes out with - as is Jacque - her and I got along terrifically... so, here are some of the pictures taken while they were out here!

Tessa's dad Lonnie and I - 20 years after we met.

Me and Jacque (Lonnie's girlfriend)

Tessa and I taking a break from playing pool

Lonnie and Tessa, driving the boat on Lake Mead

Lonnie and Tessa, with Jacque driving boat on Lake Mead

Tessa driving boat getting a hug from Jacque

Tessa hamming it up at Lake Mead

My beautiful girl

Dad and Daughter together after 18 years!

Dad and Daughter walking the Las Vegas Strip

Tessa (wearing her dads coat cause it gets cold in the desert!) Lonnie and Jacque

Tessa and Jacque all smiles!

He called...

2010-02-11T16:00:00.001-08:00

Local guy, called. Superbowl Sunday, asked me to spend the day with him.. so I did. Asked me to come home with him, but I had to get home to my son first. Asked me if I would come over afterwards - so I did. We talked. We agreed we went to fast. He said he was miserable without me, he just couldn't see his life without me - but there's more. He feels like he won't be around much longer... not around like in Vegas, but alive and he didn't want me to watch him die. I don't know where that comes from and wasn't sure how to respond...

I told him that he was the first man in 2o years that I had been able to open up to and that any time I had with him was what I wanted. We will move slower this time. I decided that I was going to do things different on my end as well. I do not call him, unless he asks me to call him. He however calls me everyday and while we don't see each other everyday, I am okay with this, taking it slow this time. He tells me he loves me, he tells me he missed me every moment I was gone, that he thought about me all the time. I love him, but I am keeping my heart close to my soul and not opening it up fully this time, not yet, not now, perhaps eventually I will - well, yes, I will if it continues, but I do have a small wall built up - I have a feeling he knows it, cause he too is different. Rather than me always the one to go to him and kiss him, he comes to me, he pulls me close to him, he takes my hand in his when we are out (we've only been to the market and the bar that one time for superbowl) but HE is the one that shows all the affection. I return it, but I don't initiate it as I did before. Marriage is not brought up and I will NOT be the one to bring it up. I spent Sunday night with him and he gave me his house key. Last time, I gave him mine, but not this time. I'm waiting.

I believe in second chances, but I also believe that I need to keep myself at a distance for now. He will NOT hurt me again, even should he break up with me again, I will not allow it. I'm doing my best to think positive, to believe him when he says he was miserable without me.. why would he say that if he wasn't, yet he still does not get my house key this time.

My family and some friends have berated me, telling me I'm stupid, not in those words but close enough. Pissed me off that right now I'm not talking to any of them. I was happy with him, very happy and so sad when not with him... AND since the time I spent with Tessa's father, I was able to close that chapter finally. While I still care about him, that intense feeling I had for him is no longer there and I've finally figured out that I would not take him back should he and his girlfriend break up - I love him because he is my daughters father and he is doing his best to show us that he is a changed man, which he is, but I'm no longer in love with him. Finally. If I can give him a second chance, there's no reason why I cannot give local guy a second chance.

I finally got the pictures of our visit with him and will post a few after this post. Being with local guy, who I will call Tom, since that's his name, feels right, feels so right...

New pants....

2010-02-03T10:35:00.001-08:00

Size 12. Not sure when I last wore a size 12. In my teenage years all I wore were 501 button up levis....

Go me!

Us..

2010-01-28T14:45:00.000-08:00

Tessa's father, Tessa, me and his girlfriend Jacque...

My daughters father...

2010-01-24T12:53:00.000-08:00

It was nearly 20 years to the day we met, when he found us after over 18 years of not being in our lives. He is the man that I have pined after for all these years. He, with all his flaws, his drug use and abuse, his physical, emotional and mental control and abuse of me - yet I continued to love him all these years - unable to give myself completely to any other man.

While he abused me, he protected me from everyone else. A contradictory of terms to be sure, while I wasn't "safe" with him due to his abuse of me, I was safe from all others.

He and his girlfriend came out here for 4 days, a week or so ago. He is no longer the man I loved and hated, ran to and ran from. I saw a glimpse of the "good" man he was when we were together, but only when the girlfriend wasn't around. Now, don't get me wrong.. I like her, I like her a lot. Her and I spent some alone time together on Saturday, while my daughter and her father spent alone time. Her and I talked, laughed, shopped and ate lunch. I like her, I enjoyed her company... but and she will admit it, as she did, she is very controlling and dominating, while I am more submissive and prefer to make decisions together, instead of for. He was always in control, though we did make decisions together... She goes as far as to order his food for him. It was rather odd and difficult to watch. He made no decision for himself when she was there, hardly smiled, hardly spoke, though when taking pictures with our girl you could tell he was very very happy to have her in his arms and be with her, but other than that, he was just so docile and quiet - and hardly looked at me even while talking to me - when his girlfriend was there. Not sure if that was because he was uncomfortable around me (I don't really think that was the case though) or if he was nervous should he pay much attention to me it would upset his girlfriend...honestly though, to me, she seemed secure enough in their relationship to not be one to get upset should he have paid attention to me - she was the one who insisted we take pictures of just him and I - so I'm rather lost on why he was like that...

Saturday evening, before my daughter and I went to pick them up for dinner and karaoke, she told me of one of the conversations she had had with him earlier that day. She asked him why his girlfriend and he were not married. His response was "we aren't sure that is the direction we want to go in" though they both wear wedding rings. She than asked him "Did you ever want to marry mom" and he responded with "Yes, very much. I asked her many times to marry me, but she wouldn't because of my drug use, my cheating and my physical abuse of her" further to explain that he loved me as best he knew how with what he knew back then, that I was the normal life he wanted so bad, but he wasn't sure what normal really was. Something he'd told me already but his words came to me when I asked him why he didn't just leave me and leave me alone for good (even before I was pregnant with my daughter) He told me that I represented sanity in what was an insane time in his life. He also told me that he wished I was the only mother of his children. (he has 2 from the girl he cheated on me with and 2 from another woman he was with long after I was gone).

My daughter than asked me, after all these years pining after him (yes, she knows that I have loved him all these years) would I go back to him now, if he wanted that. At the time of this question we'd only spent a few hours with them and I'd only seen the man that was controlled by this woman who I really liked a lot. I told her, no, I would not. I do not want to be with a man who would allow me total control in the relationship, who I could walk all over and that is what I was seeing... But..

Saturday night, we snuck my daughter into a bar, to play pool and for me to sing karaoke. When his girlfriend was not right there, in the bathroom or up at the bar ordering their drinks, he became a bit more animated, more talkative, more like I remember him from when we first met and became a couple. This happened on the Monday they were leaving while we were having breakfast as well. When she got up to use the bathroom, he became "him" again. Not the scary one, not the one who abused me, but the man I fell in love with the moment I met him and my daughter asked me again if I would go back to him - and I had to point out those moments to her and be honest... if he was that man, the one he was when his girlfriend was not there, yes, I would allow him back into my life in a m0re than just friends capacity...making sure she understood though, that I would never interfere in his relationship with his girlfriend, I would never disclose to him what I had said to her, I would not be that kind of woman who broke up someones relationship or even tried to break it up. It wasn't the kind of woman I'd ever been and I wouldn't begin that now.

The weekend was nice really. I tire easily, so by Sunday I was pretty much exhausted and rather than join them that day, I stayed home.. plus I wanted her to bond with him without me right there. They all, including her cousin, went to the lake and rented a boat and from what I saw of the pictures on her camera (the girlfriend hasn't sent them to me yet) had a great time. I found myself slightly jealous, jealous of the time my daughter got to spend with him/them, jealous of the commitment he has made to his girlfriend, just jealous or maybe the right word is longing... to be with them together, as a family, the three of us.

I wanted to spend some time alone with him. Not much just a half hour or so, but I didn't want his girlfriend to be uncomfortable or feel in anyway threatened by me or cause any drama with them, so I didn't ask for the time alone. See, even though he hasn't been with the woman he cheated on me with, in 15 years or so, she still causes trouble, between him and his other 2 daughters (they are 16 and 17), she also causes drama between his girlfriend and him, at one point a few years ago they even broke up because of it. Him and the mother of those 2 girls do not get along at all and I don't want that type 0f relationship with him...I DO want to be friends, even if that's all we will ever be now. I've also told both him and my daughter that even though the other girls are her half sisters, I don't want her around them. They smoke pot and drink, the mother allows this in her home - they take very provocative pictures of themselves, posting them on myspace, showing themselves half nude, in bra's, their thongs, smoking dope getting high etc... He has tried to intervene, to have some control over that but, neither the girls nor the mother listen to him. He's expressed frustration with that - claiming that they are a product of their environment and don't listen to him. I'm sure, as he is, that the other mother talks much shit about me and quite possibly our daughter as well as about him. Sure he wasn't the best father, not a great example, lost in his own world of drugs and hell, but he is certainly trying now to be a better example and I do believe in second chances, as long as it's obvious that someone is attempting to be a better person and make things right in their lives. He blames the mother for most of how the girls are (though he does take responsibility for his part in the way they are too) and says that he is not happy with the way they represent themselves on their websites, but then he says that he can tell I've done a good job raising our daughter, that it's apparent by the way she represents herself on her page and in person. That made me feel good, since there are many times I beat myself up, thinking that I've failed my children... to have others tell me I am a good mother, helps me get out of that type of thinking.

He doesn't work, he is essentially a house husband. He takes care of the house, while she works at her high level high security job with the government. He is a felon and she has access to top security stuff, which explains to me why they haven't married...she would probably lose that or not be able to advance. He's 42, she's 49. And she helps keep him sober, so he told my daughter, though I think if he loved any woman who was clean, now that he's been away from the meth for 5 years, he would probably remain sober.. so who knows. He's applied for disability and has a court date in March. He should receive something like 3 years retro, should he win his disability case (he has PTSD, high anxieties and other various mental stuff going on and takes some of the same meds I take, but more)... oh, should he win this case, my daughter and I both were thinking that we should get some of the retro... as he owes me upwards of 16 grand in back child support. The only way I think we will get any of that and should it not cover all the back child support, any of his monthly check is if they (the DA for collecting child support) catch it. My daughter (without me saying anything) also expressed some anger, over the fact that we had to get her car repaired after a hit and run, he was told of this yet didn't even offer to send us any money to help pay for those repairs. We both understand he really hasn't any money - but neither do we and I've supported her all her life without any help financially from him and it bothers her. I'm torn on whether to report to the child support office about his possibly coming into money and the back support he owes or not. I did tell him at one point to be prepared, that they may take a good portion of his checks for child support for the three older girls, mine and the 2 with that other woman. He understood and seemed okay with that. (he is currently raising his two youngest children - a girl 13 and boy 11)

So I guess we will see what happens with that... Before they came out, him and I spoke on the phone a bit, as well as in emails. I mentioned to him that none of the children looked like him, except our daughter and he acknowledged that, yet also said, "I'm afraid of getting tested" He loves all 5 of his children, even though he's had no contact with ours since she was 8 weeks old and I suppose he is afraid of losing that love or something, should indeed the others turn out not to be his. Even his baby pictures, put next to our daughter look alike. Not the others though. Personally, I'd want to know, but then if I'd been loving them all their lives and they turned out not to be mine, I'd still love them - that's just me though.

I'm not sure that this chapter is completely closed just yet. I haven't spoken to him since they left and I need to. I need more questions answered, which he has been very accommodating answering me when I've asked others. I need to stop pining after him, but doing this may take some time - after all I've been doing it for 18 years now, I don't think I could have it happen over night, I am learning, but I still get those feelings within me, when I think of him. Like a little girl with her first crush - it's so frustrating at times.

Oh and something that happened that only my daughter, him and I noticed... Monday at breakfast I arrived a bit late and they had already ordered, so I ordered french toast, from the kids menu (the main menu came with 6 pieces, the kids had only 2 and I can really eat only one piece without getting sick), without knowing that he had ordered the same but from the main menu...our food came at the same time and he and I both looked at each other, looked at our food, looked at each other again, then looked at our daughter who had this huge grin on her face, looked again at our food and then each other... we smiled at each other and I believe we were thinking the same thing - we still did some of the same things as we use to, we still had some part of us that were alike, if that makes sense... and I know we still knew what the other was thinking most of the time, as we did those 3 years we were together. Our daughter saw it, but his girlfriend didn't - I asked my daughter later on if he'd ordered his own food, or if his girlfriend had, like she'd done at the other meals we'd shared... I was told, he ordered his own breakfast that morning. It trips me out... but I've always believed we were soul mates and soul mates, do those kind of things.

All in all, I enjoyed my time spent with him and his girlfriend. I am glad our daughter finally gets to know her father. She is the only one of his kids that never had him in her life. I asked his girlfriend how she felt when he first found us, cause of the problems with the other mothers (though she has supported him in his search of the last few years for our daughter), she said that at first she was concerned that I would be like the others, causing trouble, trying to break them up, making drama for them and even go as far as keeping my daughter from him just to be a bitch like the woman that has the two older girls. She then said, after reading my first email to him, a response actually to an email he sent me (I'd given my daughter permission to give him my email address, because he told her in his second email to her, that he had things he needed to tell me.. those things were apologies for how he had treated me back then.. and more, but I prefer not to go into detail about the letters) she could see I wasn't like the others. She then volunteered that after my 3rd or 4th email to him, she saw that I had class, that I was intelligent and thoughtful, kind and compassionate. She also told me how much it meant to her, that when I invited him out to "meet" our daughter, I included her in that invitation - whereas, the older girls mother tells him that he has to go where they live to see those girls (I said the same thing, but for only the first time meeting, our daughter will be going out there in March I think - I'll take her but I won't stay, hopefully I'll be able to go and see my granddaughter for the weekend, as it is only about an hour from them) and won't let his girlfriend come with.. and it's worse now that he has found us, she won't let the girls even go to his house for a few days. His girlfriend expressed gratitude to me for including her in the invitation. He can't afford to always get a hotel room or motel rooms and the other mother wants him to stay at her house, without his girlfriend. Drama drama drama... I'd probably hit the woman if I ever saw her again, that's how much I loathe her - I told the girlfriend that if/when they came out again, to bring an airmattress and they could use my daughters room, so they wouldn't have to worry about paying for hotels and we could also save on eating out - she was so grateful that I included her, that I didn't insist the only way he could see our daughter was if he came here alone. I was sincere with my invitation and have no problem with them both staying with me after meeting them now. Perhaps the other woman still loves him too (though he admitted to me in an email that he never loved her, it was all about the drugs with her, the same with the other mother of the two youngest children...) but even if she does, it's not right to exclude the woman in his life now or not allow his children to see him just because he is in a relationship with someone - it's just not okay in my world and his girlfriend was happy that I wasn't like the others.

So, with all that said, below are pictures of the three of us and a couple of pictures of the two of them as well as one with me and my boyfriend Toby Keith... shut up, I know he is married and it's only a cardboard cutout of him - but jeez let an old woman dream would you! Directly under that one is one of him and I about a year into our relationship (me at 25 I think, him at 22 or 23) and then one of us while he was out here. What a difference 20 years makes... BUT I am at the same weight I was at, right AFTER I had our daughter (close actually to where I was before I had her even).... while he is much heavier now and no longer the buff muscled man I was with, he's put on some weight himself! I will say this.. we always fit comfortably in each others arms, next to each other.. we always displayed affection for each other in public as well as in private, holding hands, hugging, kissing all that jazz.. and we still fit comfortably together, while the pictures were being taken.. but not once did I see him and his girlfriend hold hands, hug, kiss none of that, other than when we took pictures - I've included one of him and her below as well. It just seemed odd to me that they didn't show affection for each other in front of us. I would not have been bothered by it - I'm actually more bothered that they didn't, than had they!

I hadn't intended on writing this much, though I really have a lot more to say... not unusual for me! But, I'll stop now.

Computer

2010-01-21T17:06:00.000-08:00

My computer is acting up really bad. I'm waiting for the pictures of the weekend with my daughters dad (being sent by his girlfriend) before I take it in for repairs....

Does anyone know a good computer repair place that won't charge me an arm and two legs?

Peace.

What a way to start out my new year!

2010-01-07T13:14:00.001-08:00

I wore these pants over a year ago... size 28.

And yesterday, I bought these pants.... size 14. I think the last time I wore a size 14, I was maybe 18 or 20.

And the legs of these pants are STILL to big - but I'm really not complaining! Another 40 pounds I'd like to lose... I lost 17 pounds in 29 days this time. I've been averaging about 8 to 10 pounds a month - though last month I didn't lose any, so I guess I made up for it this month!

I also ordered those new Sketchers Shape Up sneakers. A friend of mine bought some and the first time she walked her 5 miles on her treadmill with them she said she had no lower back pain! I'm hoping they help me like that! They are supposed to help tone your legs and butt and if I can walk through the market without my lower back hurting or to much pain in my foot, than I intend on walking the dog everyday. I'm so anxious to get them! My brother sent me a gift certificate for Christmas so they only cost me 8.16$ instead of 108.16$!!! I think this is going to be a good year, as long as I can whip my boy back into shape... raising a boy is SO much different than raising a girl.... ICK!

There's a military school near Hershey or maybe in Hershey, Pa that is free. I'm seriously thinking that that may be what he needs since I seem to suck in the discipline department. My friend in Pa sent me the info about it, so I'm going to at least look into it and perhaps when I get my settlement I may take a trip out there alone to check it out. If I do decide to send him there, I'll be moving to Pa too. My daughter is supposed to be talking to a recruiter this week for the Coast Guards. She's thinking about joining for 4 years, than going into the Peace Corp for 2 years. I've told her not to sign anything, till she brings it all to me and we go over it together, I've also asked her to at least finish this one year of college. If she makes it through bootcamp they will pay for her to go to school which would help her out tremendously. She's talked about majoring in BioChemistry - I just hope that if she does join the Coast Guards, she doesn't go into some speciality there, or there could be a chance she would be sent into a war zone and that scares me a lot. But, I'll deal with that if/when the time comes.

Next weekend her father and his girlfriend are coming out to see us. It will be the first time he has seen her since she was about 8 weeks old. I'm nervous and anxious all at the same time. This is the man who is/was/might still be, the love of my life. I have never been able to get over him, even after the horrible things he did to me... cause it wasn't all horrible - when it was good, it was so very good. We've been talking on the phone a bit, he's definitely changed, he's certainly not the man I ran from 18 years ago - more like the man I fell in love with 20 years ago. But, he has a girlfriend and I would never do anything to come between them or cause them trouble. He has 5 kids, my daughter is his oldest. He did tell me he wished he'd had all his children with me. He doesn't get along with the mother of the two girls who are a year and two years younger than my daughter - the woman he cheated with on me and the other mother is barely in the picture with the other 2 little ones who are 12 and 11. He has custody of those two. What's interesting is our daughter is the only one that looks anything like him and when I happened to mention that, he said, "I know, but I'm afraid to get tested to see if they are mine". I think it's because he loves them and would be devastated if they turned out not to be his. Personally, I wouldn't put it past the woman of the older girls, knowing her as I do (well remembering her) she did everything in her power to get him away from me, even after he told her more than once he didn't want to be with her, he wanted to be with me and our daughter as a family. But, the man was in the throes of meth addiction and she would bring it around, knowing it was something that would get him to go with her. He even admits it. When I asked him, why he just didn't stay away from me (even before I was pregnant) he said that I represented sanity in an insane time and that he so wanted a normal life, but just didn't know how to have one due to his own childhood.

He's apologized to me over and over for the way he treated me. How he took advantage of my kindness and compassion and love for him. How no one had ever treated him the way I did back then. He asked for my forgiveness. I'd forgiven him years ago, I told him - it was the only way I could live without all the anger inside of me. He's answered every question I've asked him, questions I've been holding inside for 18+ years. He's been sincere and open and I can tell he has changed completely. If I didn't think he'd changed, we wouldn't have invited him and his girlfriend to come to Vegas. His girlfriend is really nice, I've spoken to her on the phone as well. I'm glad he has found a good woman and told him so, his reply: "I had a good woman 20 years ago" - my heart skipped a beat. I have no expectations about this meeting, only that I hope we can be friends and he feels the same way. I think that is doable. But, not sure how he can be a dad to Tess after all these years... we shall see what happens. At the very least, she will be able to ask him questions and get some answers that I am not able to answer. She knows about the violence and drugs and cheating on me - I've always given her age appropriate information when she would ask about him, which really wasn't often. My biggest fear was that she would meet him, the man he is today a good decent man and hate me for taking her away from him. So, I called her the other day and asked her to come over, that I needed to talk to her. I straight out asked her if she hated me, if she was angry with me, if she had any bad feelings about me for taking her away and she told me no, never. She's angry with him though. I can understand that. He's been in the other kids lives, off and on, but not hers. He didn't start looking for her till last year, but he will have to explain all that to her - while he's already told me why, it's best that she hears it from him. He texts her every morning wishing her a good day and telling her he loves her - she finds it awkward, but it's just going to be an adjustment for all of us from here on. I'm just so grateful she doesn't blame me, that would kill me - I did what I felt needed to be done to protect her from all that ugliness. He even says that - and that I was the smart one, that I left the insanity he brought into our lives, the other 2 mothers stuck around longer. (we were together 3 years) And honestly - had he not used me as a punching bag, I probably would have stayed with him longer. I never complained about the drugs, only about the bitch that kept bringing them around. Funny thing is...

He never dragged me into the illegal stuff, pregnant or not. He robbed and stole and lied and he did it with the other two mothers of his children, but he never did it with me, never even asked me to do those things with him. It was as if he wanted to keep me safe, yet at the same time when he was trying to do the right thing, be sober and clean and a family, I always knew when he was going to go back to he drugs, he'd get angry and beat me up... but if anyone else messed with me he'd go off on them... it's like only he could fuck with me but others were damned if they tried. That's the one question I haven't asked him - How come you never brought me into the thieving and stuff - why was I the only one you kept out of that mess. To be honest, I loved him so much I probably would have done it with him, not the drugs, as I was clean and sober - but I would probably have helped him do what he needed to do to get his drugs, so he would have stayed with me rather than go off on his week or 2 binges. Today, I wouldn't do it, but back then, I was young and head over heels in love with him. I'm still in love with him, but I'll never tell him that - I'm hoping after seeing him again, I can close that chapter of love and maybe finally be able to open myself up completely to someone...

Ok, wasn't planning on writing all that, guess I needed to get it out of my system. Hopefully, it's all out now... but who knows what will come up when we see each other again.

Peace.

Merry Christmas

2009-12-25T19:07:00.001-08:00

To all and to all a goodnight.

Once upon a time...

2009-12-21T19:48:00.001-08:00

I looked like this.. wish I still did!

It's over..

2009-12-20T00:26:00.000-08:00

2 weeks ago he asked me to marry him, yesterday he said we were over.

"I think about you all the time" "I love you" "I can't handle having a girlfriend" "I can't take care of me right now and so I can't take care of you" "It's not you, it's me"

Oh there's so much more. What there wasn't from me was tears. Questions, but not tears. I waited till I left for those to come. He says we can be friends, I said, no thank you. He said, "If I get to missing you real bad I'll call" I said, don't bother.

He couldn't look at me when he was talking to me. I asked him, please look at me while we are talking - "I can't, it hurts to much".

I'm trying to get back on balance and catch my breath.

If one more person tells me when one door closes, another opens, I'll crack them in the head. Doors bolted shut and windows are nailed down - finished.

It hurts, I feel like my heart was ripped out of my chest and stomped on than replaced.

Oh - to top everything else - last month my daughters father found us. The one man I've loved for 20 years and all of the sudden he comes back into our lives, a changed man from the one I knew back than a better man - I'll write more about it another time.

Christmas has been cancelled.

2009-12-10T11:54:00.000-08:00

Unless my lawyer calls me in the next week saying come up and get your check, there will be no Christmas. (and since it's taken more than a month for the other lawyer to make a decision, because he's a new lawyer and doesn't want to screw up - even though my case is worth more than we are asking for and should he NOT anti up - we will see him in court on Jan. 13th asking for much more than we are asking for now, idiot.)

I feel terrible about this. I have 30$ to live on till Jan. 3rd and there just isn't anything I can do about it.

Never have we not had presents under the tree. If I did't have a 14 year old boy living in my home I wouldn't care so much.. right now I'm feeling like the shittiest mother in the world. How can a child wake up on Christmas with NOTHING. *sighs*

CALL ME LAWYER WITH SOME OF MY CHECK PLEASE - NOW.

And it all seems rather like a dream...

2009-12-09T01:47:00.000-08:00

So much, so much.. where do I start.

On Nov 3rd, I wrote that I bought a pair of pants and they were a size 18. I said that the largest size of pants I have in my room are size 28's. A few days ago, Chance brought me a pair of pants he said were in his room and asked if they were mine. I'd never seen them before and asked to see what size they were. Well... Not my size, but I thought what the hell, I'll try them on anyways.

They went on easily enough - and after a moment of trying to button them (they zippered up fine) They fit. In both length and waist (though they are just a bit tight) oh, you want to know what size they are??

15. Yep, I said... size 15. SIZE 15! They aren't my daughters, cause she wears a 16. AND my man says I have a butt in those pants. They are cool looking too. On each leg they have a zipper that goes from the bottom of the pant leg to almost the waist (though there is fabric once you go above the knee so nothing shows)

******

The boy was expelled from school the Friday before Thanksgiving. Suspended for 2 weeks, then expelled. For SMOKING POT! Stupid kid. I blame my stupid sister for 1% of this. She smokes pot around him, left her pipe and pot out and he stole it. Apparently a parent passed a group of kids (6 of them) thought that a weapon was being passed around, reported it and the 6 kids were called into the Deans office and searched. He was the only one who got in trouble. No pot was found on him or the others, but they found the pipe tucked into his sock on the bottom of his shoe. I read some of his myspace comments and the kids are saying how they can't believe he took the fall for all of them. So, he's been out of school for more almost 2 weeks now, but tomorrow he starts again - he goes to a "behavioral" school for 9 weeks and then he'll be able to attend a regular middle school again. He's on restriction from many many things and knows he no longer has my trust. IF he has perfect attendance and excellent grades there's a "slim" chance I can get him back into his regular school, the principal and other authorities there like him a lot, I've been thinking about begging for mercy to allow him back in there, but I'm conflicted on it - I don't want him around those kids anymore, but the school is only a block away from home. All the others are further away and there's no transportation. The behavioral school has transportation. He has to walk 4 blocks to where the bus picks him up at 6:52am. I refuse to take him - part of his punishment. While he is on restriction for lots of stuff, the worst two punishments I could give him I did... His hair was down just a bit past his shoulders, I had about 5 inches cut off - just at his ears - that was something that bothered him horribly.... the worse punishment was telling Papa. He thinks my father hates him already - which is far far from the truth - but I think telling Dad might have been even worse than cutting his hair. Dad wanted to give him a buzz cut, military style but I nixed that.

******

My stupid sister... Saturday after Thanksgiving, she took my daughter, daughter in law and granddaughter shopping. She wanted to get my daughter in law something nice for ruining their wedding night (if I wrote about it, which I think I did, it will be somewhere in August of 2008) so while shopping a pair of underwear just "happened" to fall into my stupid sisters purse. This went unnoticed till my daughter saw her wearing them the next day. My daughter told my daughter in law who then told my son, who then told Dad and his wife. They proceeded to kick her out of the house - again. When I asked stupid sister what happened, she said that she had put them on the handles of her purse and kept looking around the store, forgot about them and then found them in her purse. (I'd already been told the story by my daughter - a different one though) I said, "did you take them back" she told me no, she wore them. I said, who the hell do you think you are talking to? I know you're lying, they didn't just happen into your purse. Both my son and I were VERY pissed. My father and his wife too, but my son and I let her have it. She put my daughter in law, my daughter and my granddaughter in jeopardy. I'm not sure if they would have been taken to jail and someone called to come get the baby, but they didn't need to be exposed to something like that. She just screws everything up and screws everyone over. She says she's sober, yet she steals my xanex (though she is no longer allowed in my home) and she smokes pot, then tells her AA sponsor she is sober. The girl is pathological and desperately needs help but everyone who's around her all the time, other than me and my kids, enable her. If they would just cut her off completely - maybe she would get some real help. I'm SO sick of it. It's like she can do no wrong, but I'm the bad person all the time.

*******

My daughter had an accident. Another car clipped her back end and she lost control of her jeep, went up the curb, took out 2 fire hydrants, a newspaper box, a rock and a tree. This just as she was coming out of work. All I could get out of her was "mommy come get me". I didn't know there had been an accident, all kinds of things went through my mind. A friend of the family put me in his car and I called her back asking where she was. "By work, look for the water" is all I could get. 4 blocks away and we could see water shooting up into the sky. I couldn't see her though. Finally I saw the jeep and freaked out, got out of the car on the other side of the street, ran through the hydrant water and found her. Got her calmed down, spoke to the 3 witnesses (thankfully there were witnesses) and then started having chest pains. Chance had tried to give me my nitro before that but I wasn't having any pains, so he put them in his pocket and was given a ride back to Dads. THEN I started having pains. Stupid sister went into my purse to look for the nitro and it was gone - but she was "nice" enough to steal my cigarettes and the 3 bic lighters I had. So when all was done, Jeep towed to my house, my daughter settled in for the night, I came home crawled into bed and then looked for the new pack of cigarettes I had in my purse. GONE! It was close to midnight by then and I was pissed. Had to get my clothes back on and drive up to the store real quick. I reamed her the next day (this was before the pot incident) and asked her why she felt the need to always steal. She whined how she had no money (cause she won't get a job) and no cigarettes. NOT my fault I told her and that I was sick of her lying and stealing - she's even tried to steal our fathers painkillers!

The Jeep will cost 1500 to fix. No one really has that kind of money and because of the way I did the insurance (listening to my father) they won't fix it. Dad said if I had uninsured motorist on it, it would cover a hit and run.. wrong. If I had collision on it, then the insurance would cover it. The Jeep isn't really worth that much money, but too late now. Dad went on a cruise last week and told me to put it in the shop and he would pay for it when he got back. So I did what he said to do. I'll have to pay him back for that, plus the new brakes they put on a few weeks ago and the new fuel pump that was put in a month or so ago - when I get my money. So about 3000$ it will cost me. I'm NOT happy. But the very main thing, the most important thing in the world - she wasn't injured. Thankfully she wears her seatbelt and while she was in shock at first and sore for a few days afterwards, she wasn't hurt, not even a scratch. (see bottom of post for a couple of pictures - that blue thing under the Jeep - it's a fire hydrant!)

******

The Man and I are still together. I think it's 5 weeks now. He treats me like a queen, even while he's all messed up right now because he can't find work (they said there is like 197,000 people unemployed in Vegas) and because he can't find work and unemployment doesn't pay much, he's in a bad mood most of the time. He kind of took it out on me the other day than went home and called me telling me how sorry he was. He's not use to not having money and he believes that the man should take care of the woman in EVERY WAY. While that's a nice thought, these days with the economy and such as it is, it's not really something that can be done. He won't take money from me (I've never offered since I'm not really in the position to give it) but we've talked about it and he wants to be able to take care of me. I just tell him all the time, we are committed to each other and that means we take care of each other, in all ways. He's damn stubborn though, but I just keep reassuring him that we will get through this and all will be fine. I'm so use to living without money, it doesn't bother me anymore plus, I'm not high maintenance I don't have to go out to fancy dinners and stuff like that - I really am at my happiest when I'm just sitting next to him or cuddling with him. He says he's never met a woman like me, one who wants to give and not take - that every woman he's been with always just wants wants wants. I tell him the only thing I want, is to be with him. I'm a pretty simple woman when it comes to things like that. I don't "need" fancy schmancy stuff. I need to be loved and know I'm loved.

******

I have something else to write about - but its 3am here and while I have insomnia as per usual, I'm going to write about that in the next few days...

Peace.

2010

2009-12-06T15:35:00.000-08:00

He said he wants to marry me in 2010.

I said yes.

I love this man, I never thought I would love another man in my life. I adore him, he is so good to me, treats me like a queen.

Chance said: "Mom, I'd like to have him for a stepdad, that would be cool."

Tessa said: "I want to be your maid of honor."

I'm so blessed.

Nova, Me and my Man...

2009-12-04T18:30:00.000-08:00

More of Nova and her Nana....

2009-11-29T19:06:00.000-08:00

My little angel.

Such fat cheeks, I got to nibble on them!

Ugh, my face is way to thin.. but that didn't keep me from smiling while my angel was in my arms!

Nova and I

2009-11-26T08:59:00.001-08:00

He said...

2009-11-15T00:11:00.001-08:00

"I love you" - "You are my future"

Today marks 2 weeks we've been together.

Do I love him? I know I want to be with him all the time, that I think about him constantly, I miss him when we aren't together... my stomach gets those butterfly feelings when I think of him.

He told me he loved me after a week being together. I asked him how did he know and when. "I just knew. I woke up Tuesday morning with you laying in bed next to me and watched you sleeping and I knew"

It's a bit of a worldwind relationship but something continues to draw me to him and need him. This past week I had the flu pretty bad and he took care of me and ended up with the flu himself on Thursday but would not let me take care of him. He says he doesn't like to be fussed over especially when he is sick and I told him if I was his future than he best get use to being fussed over sick or not!

We are both still adjusting, both of us having really been alone for a long time, him longer than myself however it's still an adjustment for me but for me he's worth making some changes in my lifestyle and I think I am the same for him.

We shall see where this goes I guess.

Today Nova is a month old, a new guy and a new size...

2009-11-03T18:24:00.001-08:00

I intend on writing something each month to keep up to date what's going on around her and what is going on with her as well. Eventually everything will be printed out as I plan on making a scrapbook for her, but for now you'll be able to find more pictures and various Nova stuff at Nova Leone

As for what is going on with me well..

I met someone the other day and we've hit it off fairly well. He's 9 years older than me (and everyone calls me a cougar, meh) his hair is down to his waist, no tattoos and he rides. He calls me all the time and appears to really like me. I've been going to his house every night but no sex yet at my request and he is fine with that. Lots of cuddling and kissing though! Tomorrow night I plan on spending the night - still no sex though - I want to see if I can do this differently than the past and see what comes of it. I did ask him if he would like to join me and my crazy family for Thanksgiving where he would meet my father, stepmother, sister, aunt, all three of my kids, my daughter in law, my granddaughter and a few other stragglers that may join us. He said that he had plans - the owner of the place he lives in is a real good friend of his and he was invited to their place - but he also said wow, usually I have no place to go now I have a choice. I kind of hope he chooses me, but I understand if he doesn't and won't be hurt since he did have those other plans first.

He's very nice, though he's also crude and brash. A gentleman for the most part at least when dealing with me. I'm the first woman he's "been" with in 3 years. He also doesn't like fat women but when I ask him then why is he with me, he says "Can't help who I'm attracted to". I met him at the bar I sing karaoke at.. he did tell me that a few months ago he was in there and was drunk and kissing some fat girl and said to himself "what am I doing" and just left. He's not a small man, not much taller than me with his own belly on him but I like men like that. Calls me his honey, his little girl, his baby - which is sweet.

I asked on facebook the other day and will ask the same thing here.. "Do you believe in love at first site? CAN it happen and does it work. My experience is yes it can happen and did once and no it doesn't work out... But someone else doesn't agree and I'm not sure I'm so ready to even let that in. I'm certainly not much of a romantic." Not because "I" did, but he's alluded to love already so I was curious what others think, have experienced etc. My daughter says yes it can happen and just because it didn't work for me that one time (her father was the one I fell in love with at first site) doesn't mean it can't work for me again.

There's a few things though that have me concerned. We both are rather set in our ways. I "think" we are mature enough to possibly adjust to certain things in each others lives - but that still remains to be seen. I suppose if someone means enough to you there are certain things you are likely to let go of or change your mind about - as long as an open mind is kept at all times. The other thing is the boy. He will not like ANYONE I date, he's so use to having me pretty much all to himself. He's even admitted to me that he will never like anyone I date - but (let's call him local dude) local dude may win him over. I will not bring him into the boys life for a while though, maybe the first time might be Thanksgiving.. and then there's Thanksgiving and my nut ball family. Will it scare local dude away? They truly are crazy and I'm usually the brunt of their nastiness and rarely last long at holiday get togethers because of it - hopefully the family behaves themselves! AND, because I don't want to get involved with anyone who wants to remain in Vegas - one of the first things I asked him was "Would you move away from Vegas?" his answer was yes!!! When I mentioned that I've been contemplating going to NH he said "Cool, close to home" (he's originally from Maine) SO that is a good sign, yes?

Oh and one more thing... I bought a pair of jeans at Ross today (not wanting to spend to much money on them since I am still losing weight. Size 18!!!!! I have jeans in my drawers that are size 28 and fall off of me! I'm so excited about this. I think once I get a tummy tuck (hopefully next year)I may be able to fit in a 14/16! I haven't worn a size 18 since I was 30 or a 14/16 since I was like 20 or something!! Go Nana!

Sometime tonight I should have Nova's post and her new pictures posted on her blog - but check out the cute ones that are there now. They aren't coming as frequently as I would like but I'm trying to be patient about them not sending me more pictures (as patient as I can be though I call everyday and leave messages to send more pictures LOL).

Anyhow, that's what's going on over here. What's going on over there with all you?

I have a post that I've been trying to write...

2009-10-20T18:45:00.000-07:00

A reflection post, one that has been very difficult to put to "paper" but one I for some reason seem to need to write...

Got a bit of writers block. Hope to be able to write soon.

In the meantime, new photos of Nova are up on her blog(or will be in a few minutes).(link is on the right side of this blog)

Seeing her, just solidifies to me that there is beauty in this world, love in this world and makes me want to work harder to bring peace to this world,so that she and any future grandchild, as well as my own children can one day know what it is like to live in a world of peace.

Peace.

I know, I know...

2009-10-18T02:27:00.000-07:00

I wasn't going to share pictures of Nova here, since she has her own blog Nova Leone but I couldn't resist sharing this one! I think she is actually kind of laying down on my sons lap, but I flipped it and so it looks like she is sitting up. This is Nova's week 2! Can you believe how fast that went? And still I've yet to hold her. *sighs*

Are you looking?

2009-10-16T20:31:00.000-07:00

Did you see?

Come on.. go look. How can you NOT look at her. Go on, go over and see that baby that I ache to hold so badly.

Cause you'll want to hold her and love on her just as much as me, once you see the cuteness of my granddaughter...

HOW could you NOT!

Nova Leone

New Wordle...

2009-10-16T13:35:00.000-07:00

I know I have lots to share, but Joe from Joe in and around Las Vegas did my wordle again. This time he did two for me and said, "Seemed to want to emphasize STUPID SISTER for some reason." LOL Probably because that was the last post I did before he did the wordles. Yes, I said wordles! He made me two this time and I love them both so am posting both. I think these things are so cool!

Enjoy! Oh and don't forget to go over to Nova Leone and check out her newest pictures. She's a week old today!

My stupid sister.

2009-10-13T13:40:00.000-07:00

My sister will be 36 in a month. This is my sister who has only one brain cell and uses only half of it. She really is that dumb, seriously. I'm not kidding... she's my half sister actually, so I suspect she got her stupid from her mother.

She was dating this guy who is a total asshole and is 63 years old (3 years younger than my father - and my sister, while stupid is very beautiful, so essentially she was his trophy girl, cause Dude, this man is UGLY and he spent most of all her money that gram left her). She finally left him in August and now, she is pregnant. As much as I adore babies (I bet you didn't know that! lol) I'm so very angry and disappointed with her right now. I haven't spoken to her in 2 months because she tried to steal my xanex and last month she stole some of my fathers pain pills. See, stupid sister, a thief and a liar to boot.

But, because she is my sister, I spoke to her yesterday. She hasn't decided what to do yet, but I reminded her that she would be tied to this asshole for at least the next 18 years if she kept the baby. She can't take care of herself,never has been able to, how is she going to take care of a child?(she lives with our dad, her mother and my daughter and there is NO room left in that house for another being, especially with all the things that baby will need!) And I have an extra room since my daughter left that I would gladly make into a nursery... so guess who will probably raise this baby should she keep it. Yep, you guessed it. Me. I would do it to, even though I am pretty much done raising children and am kind of looking forward to finally having a life again. (I would like to meet someone one day and get married again and be happy, but, what other choice do I have?) I could say no, but I wouldn't do that to an innocent child. Plus, stupid sister loves to go out nightclubbing every weekend, doing X and smoking pot and popping any ones pills she can get her hands on! What a winner of a family I have, eh? (and my Aunt just reminded me that if stupid sister couldn't take care of it, HE would never allow anyone else to and he would take it and none of us would be allowed to be involved - HOWEVER, he is strung out on prescription pills, so I might have a chance of proving him unfit, yet that would cost mucho money...god what a mess this all is)

So, right now it's all up in the air still and I'm probably stressing myself out for nothing at least for the moment... My father can not help her out not like he did when my kids were young and her mother, well she takes care of Dad pretty much 24/7 and from what I am seeing she is on the verge of a complete mental breakdown,(I am not exaggerating either, I'm totally serious) so she can't do it and there's NO WAY I will allow my daughter to raise this child, help here and there sure, but raise it. NO.

I tried not to be TO negative when speaking to stupid sister, not an easy task and sadly I wasn't very good at not being too negative...though I truly made an effort...umm...kind of... I told her I would take the baby and raise it as my own should she decide to remain pregnant, but I would expect child support from the asshole or her. I told her how very difficult and lonely and sad it is to raise a child as a single mother. I know she would love the baby, but I also know she just cannot take care of it. Oh and did I mention, she doesn't work. She's been a hairdresser for 16 or so years, has NO following and pretty much everyone in Vegas at the high end salons that she will only apply for jobs at, know her track record, her drug use and that she steals product - so she can't find a job and refuses to go to supercuts or some place like that because it is "beneath" her. (see, stupid sister)Oh yes and she owns a BMW, with a 500$ car payment that my father has been paying for, for a year now,money that he doesn't really have, so he goes without lots of things because of that. Why she didn't buy it outright in the first place, like I did with my Jeep (she had more than enough money to pay for it the day she bought it) is beyond me... see again... stupid sister. BRAINLESS and CLUELESS.

Today she said she was going to planned parenthood (but couldn't figure out how to find one, even though they have internet, so I had to find one for her) to see how far along she was and to figure out her options. I'm not opposed to abortion, but I'm not for it either as I do believe there are times when it is the best thing to do..like in cases of rape and incest and a very sick baby I am for it in those types of cases... I also reminded her about all the drugs she has done in her first trimester, which could possibly have harmed the child. So if she does keep it, it may be a special needs child which she definitely could NOT take care of, thus leaving it in my hands. I hope she thinks this one through, completely, the pros and cons of it all... but I highly doubt it, she just isn't bright enough to look at it from all directions.

I guess I will find out more later, once she returns from planned parenthood and if she decides to terminate, I will have to be the one to take her and bring her home - fun fun fun.

I'm just too tired to think straight right now, so I'm off to take a nap. As much as I would love to have another niece or nephew, I just don't think it's a good idea. I also told her that she had plenty of time to have children, that perhaps the best thing to do would be to fall in love, get married and THAN have children (to not do it like I did it - I can be stupid at times too). But she's so stupid, picks the wrong men (which is something I tend to do too, I suppose we can blame that on our father, or at least at one time we could, but we are both adults now and really have no one to blame but ourselves on that one)so who knows.

Ok, I'm falling asleep as I type this at 3pm in the afternoon, I'm off to nap. I threw my back out today and had physical therapy this morning which was pretty painful to say the least...

Oh and don't forget to check out Nova's page! Nova Leone She's still the cutest baby in the world!

Nobel Peace Prize

2009-10-09T22:55:00.000-07:00

Any thoughts on the President receiving the Nobel Peace Prize?

A New Blog

2009-10-08T11:28:00.000-07:00

I've begun a new blog, dedicated strictly to Nova. I've just finished the first entry. You can read it at Nova Leone. The pictures I've put up on the first entry most of you have seen, but there are comments included as well. It's written as if Nova herself is writing it. It was fun to do and I hope to keep it fun, informative, loving and amazing.

I also will most likely do a semi-monthly or monthly newsletter chronically her milestones and current events that are happening in the world, so that as she gets older she will know what was going on in the world as she grew up.

My only worry is that for some reason blogger may not exist at some point in the future. I'm considering when I can afford it, creating her own domain name and moving all that I have over to it. Any other suggestions that I might be able to use?

Check it out when you have time. Comments are open, so feel free to leave comments telling her how gorgeous she is! I'm hoping to keep up with it everyday, but knowing me, it may be every other day.

Peace.

Nova, again.

2009-10-07T21:17:00.001-07:00

Sleepy time

The cutest face ever

On her way home!

2009-10-07T19:01:00.001-07:00

Nova left the hospital and went to her home! Eventually, I think I will set up a separate blog dedicated to Nova. For now, bear with me as I show her off here. (for some reason blogger won't let me upload pictures, so I'll post them another time)

Oh and don't forget it's Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Please do your part! There's a ton of different things out there that you can purchase and the proceeds go to helping cure Breast Cancer. Today while at Sunflower Market, I noticed they had the cloth shopping bags that are pink and black. They cost me 99 cents and all proceeds go to helping find a cure. I also needed a container to drink from, since I don't buy plastic water bottles, I use a PUR pitcher, but I found this really cool water bottle, that is pink and those proceeds go to Breast Cancer cure too. It's actually pretty cool, cause it has a container in a container and doesn't sweat all over the place.. also I usually use cloth bags any ways when I shop, because plastic bags are not good for the environment, so it wasn't really frivolous to buy three of them. While I'm not a fanatic when it comes to going "green" but I do what I can. I buy green products if it is something I use.

Peace.

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

2009-10-05T15:40:00.000-07:00

Oct is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. While I am one of the lucky ones and have never had to deal with breast cancer myself, I have 2 close friends who both have had to have mastectomies due to breast cancer. One is a fairly new friend, I've known her about 3 years, I met her when she first was diagnoised and she was going through chemo, was bald and would wear these beautiful scarfs on her head but was FULL of life, defying all odds. She's an awesome person, early 50's and I just LOVE to go out with her now for karaoke. She looked it in the eye and said, "YOU will NOT kill me" and it didn't.

She began the process of a new boob, had some trouble and set back but now is on the right track again...

And then there is my oldest friend in the world. We met when we were 15. Our bdays are only 5 days apart. We met in Scotsdale Az for the one year we attended boarding school (at the insistence of my grandmother, since I'd been living on the street for nearly a year) My friend, has had a difficult time health wise. First at age 36, she had twin boys who passed at 1 day and 4 days it broke her heart as she had been trying for years to have children. Then diagonized with Breast Cancer. She had a double mastectomie and went through chemo. She and my other friend are surviours thank you to the technalogy these days. A bout of depression over whelmed her and then all of the sudden she was preganent again and is now the proud mother of an 7 year old beautiful girl, Hannah. She's doing awesome and is in remission as his my other friend, but that doesn't mean the fight is over.

Today, my contribution to help finacially was to purchase pink reuseable marketing bags which are way cool. As well as a few other items that will benefit Susan B Golmam (spelling?) fund.

What have you done to help raise money?

Nova going home.

2009-10-05T15:38:00.001-07:00

Look how cute and alert this grandchild of mine is! Heh. I love her more and more..

Technically...

2009-10-04T23:12:00.001-07:00

Because of my bipolar, anxieties and my inability to leave my house without anti-anxiety meds, I qualify for a service monkey.

Yes, I said, monkey. Shut up.

The boy said he would run away from home if I got a monkey. He doesn't know that getting a monkey only appeals more to me after saying that. I said I LOVE my kids more than anything, but I never said I want them to LIVE with me forever - though I do miss my daughter a ton since she moved to her grandfathers but still.. a trained service monkey!

I know, I know... I hear the same things in my head. Primates are wild animals and shouldn't be domesticated, blah blah blah. My children aren't very domesticated, so how domesticated do you think I could get a monkey!

I'm having a bit of separation anxiety since my daughter moved to dads house and not being able to hold Nova and thinking about how in only 4 short years the boy will be 18 and wanting to move out too. I'm feeling the empty nest thing earlier than I suppose I should be and wanting someone to be here with me... Maybe if I had a life or a relationship maybe I wouldn't feel like this. I don't know.

This is life in the empty lane. *sighs*

Love.

2009-10-04T22:54:00.000-07:00

Loving someone is never an easy deal, other than my own children and even at times they make it difficult to love them but I do always no matter what.

I never thought though, that I would love someone MORE than I love my own children, flesh of my flesh, born from me... but I do.

Yet, it isn't the same. It's a powerful love that I have for this tiny being I've yet to hold, almost an obsession or perhaps not even almost.. I AM obsessed with this little chubby cheeked human.

I'm constantly checking my email and facebook page for new photos of her and if I don't see any, I just open the folder up that I have with the pictures I have of her or I come here and read my blog, not to mention all the phone calls I've been making to my son when I DON'T see new pictures up, leaving him messages to post more pictures. Soon, he will be building a web page devoted just to Nova, but until then I'm at his mercy for photos which definitely are not coming fast enough for me!

What's going to happen when I finally am able to hold her and love on her and then have to leave her behind? My heart will be ripped apart, I just know it. If I thought I could stand it, I would move to Ventura County, Ca just to be next to her... but then I would also have to be near my mother, my ex husband and his wife and that would spoil it all for me.. no positive energy from any of those people.

They leave the hospital tomorrow, mama, daddy and baby. My DIL had to stay in the hospital for 3 days due to the c-section, which was odd to me, since my daughter was c-section and I think I was in the hospital only for 2 days - but who knows. At least they had people there to help them the first few days if they needed it, answer questions they might have, like Nova lost a pound and while I can tell them that's normal, they were more comfortable hearing it from a nurse, so it all works out well in the end.

I'm obsessed with my granddaughter and it's killing me to not be able to just run on over and hold her and kiss her and squish her fat cheeks. *sigh*

More Nova of course... Can I love someone more than her?

2009-10-04T16:21:00.001-07:00

Mama and Nova - so sweet

How can you NOT...

2009-10-03T22:05:00.001-07:00

Think this is the most gorgeous baby ever born! Cuter even than the children I gave birth to and one of them is her daddy! Ha!

Oh, is that you daddy?

2009-10-03T14:31:00.001-07:00

And a snuggle with daddy!

Can you say....hmm.. not sure WHAT to say

2009-10-02T23:32:00.000-07:00

I'm SO sick of all the Jon and Kate plus 8 stuff, however..

Look closely. Closer. CLOSER. See it? I know you do.

Does anyone proofread anymore? Bet he doesn't even know how to spell epiphany, even though he can say the word.

Guess what...

2009-10-02T22:19:00.001-07:00

If you guessed, "more pictures of Nova" then you are right! I can't help it, she's just too cute to not share with everyone! So, here she is again being the good little girl she already is. MAN I WISH I WAS THERE!!! Look at those fat cheeks!

Can you handle the cuteness???

2009-10-02T20:01:00.000-07:00

8 pounds, 20 1/2 inches

2009-10-02T17:37:00.000-07:00

BIG baby! She's perfect in every way! I can't wait to be able to squish her face and nibble on her toes. My son is showing some hmm.. modesty in his picture taking. LOL I have nudes of all my kids when they were first born and older... LOVE the green bow!

Tell me this isn't the cutest baby ever born! HA! I can't stop looking at her and the tears keep rolling. This little life is going to call me Gamma one day. Whew.

Eyes Wide Open

2009-10-02T17:09:00.000-07:00

Look Ma and Pa I see you!

Introducing!!!!!!!!!

2009-10-02T16:55:00.001-07:00

Nova Leone. Don't ask me how much she weighs or how big she is cause my son hasn't told me yet. He posted this picture to his facebook page so this is all I have right now but I'm sure to have tons more later.

She was a c-section about 15 minutes or so ago! Of course she is the most beautiful baby in the whole world.

Heh. I'm. A. Grandma.

3:30am induced...

2009-10-01T21:28:00.000-07:00

They are inducing my DIL at 3:30am this morning. They say so that she'll have Chewy tomorrow afternoon.

Oh (lol) oh (lol) oh (lol) oh (lol) <--me jumping up and down with giggles and anticipation. Nice visual, eh?

Got permission to post her pictures here, so as soon as I have some, I'll be plastering this blog with them!

Soon!

2009-10-01T15:10:00.000-07:00

My DIL is at the hospital to have her cervix dialated! If that doesn't send her into labor, they will induce her tomorrow!

(does the happy dance) I'm going to be a grandma tonight or tomorrow! WooHoo!!

Vapur water bottle giveaway

2009-09-30T19:21:00.000-07:00

While all things baby is kind of me now, I'm also always looking for a way to do my part in helping the earth be healthy. I usually reuse plastic bottles that I might purchase with water or gatorade in them at first, until they aren't really usable any longer... but these things are even better and finiacially not to bad on the pocket book.

I'd love to win one, but will probably end up purchasing a few for the boy and I, since they are freezer proof as well..

Check out The Mom Reviews Vapur water bottle giveaway and see for yourself how great these "bottles" are!

Again, just trying to win some cool things for the baby!

2009-09-30T19:01:00.000-07:00

Check out The Mom Reviews for lots of great giveaways, but this one is really really cute! Matching umbrella and raincoat. All the patterns are really adorable, but I am partial to the polka dots one.

Check it out! You'll love it!

More to come I'm sure - trying to get all I can for my granddaughter!

Tupperware anyone? Huh?

2009-09-30T15:33:00.000-07:00

I'm considering selling Tupperware. I LOVE the product and believe in it, but I'm concerned with a few things.

I'm a crappy follow through kind of person. I invested money in making candles to sell, nice organic soy candles, but I haven't sold any. I make them once in a while and then I burn them here at home.

Will anyone WANT to purchase Tupperware? Follow through aside, I'm even a worse salesperson. I KNOW how to market things, yet I'm the worst salesperson in the world. Tupperware kind of sells itself I think, so perhaps the salesperson thing might not be a hindrance, however following through on things will be.

So, some questions... Would anyone here be interested in buying Tupperware, should I decide to become a seller of it? Would anyone blog about it? Maybe have an online party for me? Would you ask me for a catalog? Would you help me while helping you (cause Tupperware is really cool, I really DO like it and think it's better than Rubbermaid even and it's always great to have storage containers for left over food and other things to help you in the kitchen)?

I really need to find a way to make some extra money, which wouldn't be "extra" really, because my outgoing money each month is always more than my incoming money each month and I'm forever paying overdraft fees, so really extra isn't what it would be but it might save me from those overdraft fees.

Suggestions please... some ideas on how to get the word out (should I do this and IF I do it, it would not be till next month probably) Do I offer freebies for blogging about me selling Tupperware? Do I offer giveaways if someone online purchases something from me, because you blogged about it? And even better giveaway, if someone holds an online (or if in Vegas, real time) party because one of you blogged about it? (And I know I need to be way more disciplined and vigilant when it comes to following through with things, especially when it is hopefully making me money)

Send me your ideas, your suggestions, your thoughts... everything will be considered. Help me with coming up with new and innovated ways to hopefully make this venture into a successful one, should I decide to go forth with it.

Anyone, please?

Earthquakes and Tsunamis

2009-09-30T03:42:00.000-07:00

This morning, there was an 8.3 earthquake in the Samoa Islands. Quickly following that, a Tsunami warning was sent out, for Hawaii. My mother and her husband are somewhere in Hawaii (I've no clue where and only knew she was there from 2 comments she left on her facebook comments)I was pretty worried and relieved few hours later to find out that the warning had gone to an advisory.

However...

As it turned out there was a Tsunami. On one of the Samoa Islands. You can read about it here. Tsunami While not so much damage was done as the one a few years ago, damage is apparent, loss of life has occurred and they are expecting another one, bigger than the first. Sad.

FUCKING BITCH

2009-09-29T23:07:00.000-07:00

Man I am PISSED right now. Real pissed. Pissed enough to want to track someone down and punch her in the face.

I follow a lot of blogs and am on facebook as well. One of my favorite bloggers, mentioned something about being sent emails that say something to the effect of "freedom isn't free, someone has to pay for it" and being upset about having been sent this more than once... she mentioned it on her facebook page...

I commented, mentioned I had a tattoo that I designed on me, a peace sign with daisies, that under it says "freedom don't come free" which is a song lyric from one of my favorite Toby Keith songs, "the angry american"... and some bitch friend of this person writes:

(name deleted not to protect her, but because I didn't get her permission to repost this)LOL Maybe I *am* a snobby, bleeding-heart liberal, but why would anyone put something so glaringly grammatically incorrect (not to mention, um, dumb) in their skin? I'm sorry, honey, but that screams "hillbilly!"

Bitch. I grew up 2 blocks from Bel Air, Ca. In Encino, Ca surrounded by movie stars and wealthy people. HILLBILLY? My fucking ass. Farthest thing from it. After leaving a mostly nasty comment back, with sorry HONEY a few times in it and damn glad we live in a country where you can criticize what I do with my own body and not be persecuted for it... I had to go back and say "sorry but I cannot be friends here with someone who has someone else here that is closed minded and snobbish, as they are to me the same as someone who is racist and a bigot. Wonder what she would think/say if she knew I had a black niece adopted from Ethiopia and a DIL and grandbaby who are both half mexican and I adore all 3 of them!"

Closed minded dumb people really get under my skin, bad. So, I am removing myself from this persons facebook friends list, but I'll still follow her blog cause I LIKE her, I just don't like her "friend" lol

People. Just are stupid.

I'm all about baby right now!

2009-09-29T18:08:00.001-07:00

I LOVE all things baby right now! Project Mommyhood is having a giveaway of these great burb towels. I love them and hope to win one to send to my DIL for my chewy, who still hasn't come, but any day! If I don't win, then I'll have to go to the etsy shop and order some!

2009-09-28T21:46:00.000-07:00

Starting to feel more and more like myself, thankfully!! Still a bit more tired than I would like but coming around! No grand daughter yet, stubborn little chewy doesn't want to meet her mommy and daddy just yet LOL I think she'll show her beautiful face Oct 1st or 2nd. Someone tell that child her gamma is waiting impatiently for her arrival :) I can't WAIT till I get to kiss her and nibble on her little feet!

Speaking of my chewy. DIL mentioned GDiapers. Pretty cool things actually, rather expensive but possibly doable on my end to help out with the expense, if that is what she wants to use and they are cute/trendy to boot (not that I'm a big fashion/trendy person). Check them out and other great things at bumgenuis.com (thank you my friend for this site!) I love all the pink and green and other color ruffles on baby girls!

Peace.

Losing consciousness

2009-09-27T19:23:00.000-07:00

Last night, I got up from bed and walked the 4 feet to the boys room to ask him a question. Next thing I knew I was on the floor, disorientated and hearing my boy screaming MOM MOM...

What happened? I'm not really sure. Often times at night I get dizzy when I get up from bed to go to the kitchen for some water or something else to drink....usually I stop, lean on the wall and take some deep breaths till it passes.

Last night though, I apparently grabbed the door handle and fell backwards hitting my head (or so the boy says, but no bumps or tenderness on my head so who knows). I literally blacked out. My oldest boy said I should have gone to the hospital, but I freaked the little one out so much, I couldn't leave him. He was near tears, asking if I was having a heart attack, should he call 911 - I assured him I was ok, after sitting there for a bit trying to piece together what actually happened.

Things are just not going well! Now I wonder if my blood sugar is down from being so dehydrated last week - I just don't know. I am going to find a primary doctor tomorrow and have them run lots of tests. Since the cardio doctor already ran tests n my liver and kidney functions and both came out clear, there's clearly something else going on with me.

Thankfully, since being able to rehydrate myself and today I finally ate, I've had no chest pains so while I'm concerned about my heart, the concern has subside a lot since last week I was having constant chest pains and nitro wasn't working at all. (too much stress on the heart being dehydrated and basically starving to death)

My granddaughter has not even attempted to make an appearance yet. Her mommy is very frustrated, but we had a long talk a bit ago and she understands that the longer Nova remains inside, the stronger she gets and that usually a first born child is give or take a few weeks from the proposed due date. Both my son and I think she will come Thursday or Friday. Mommy goes for a check up an Thursday and they will decide then if she should be induced or not. I don't think that will be necessary, I think Nova is just taking her sweet time to get here!

My DIL would like to use something called GDiapers or possibly cloth diapers. I've never heard of GDiapers, but told her to do some research, find out what they cost for a year and to also find some diaper services and get some prices on that too and I may be able to help them out with diaper service for a year or the GDiapers for a year. I used cloth diapers for both my oldest son and my daughter and I loved them. Plus they are easier on the enviornment.

That's it for now.

Peace.

I LOVE this blog..

2009-09-26T15:26:00.000-07:00

I know my friend in NH will love this blog too, but I thought I would share it with everyone. As my strength seems to come back, I'm hungry too, but my stomach is still real sensitive and eating is still a bit of a struggle.... I began looking through my blog roll call last night and found this site again. I'd forgotten how much I really like it and hope as I get better I can make some of her recipes cause it all looks SO good!! I love her plate settings and tables and garden and well go check her out yourself.

Once in a blue moon

Just a quick check in..

2009-09-25T19:16:00.001-07:00

I've been sick. Real sick. I went to the doctors today, I could barely speak and couldn't drive, my Aunt took me.

I had to have them let out my lap band. I lost 18 pounds in 8 days. I couldn't keep anything down, including water and was having chest pains that would not go away.

I am severely dehydrated, though I've been able to get 2 large ice waters down and a 32oz Gatorade and keep all of it down other than the first few sips of the Gatorade. I already feel better. But 18 pounds in 8 days is not good and was putting pressure on my heart which is what caused the severe chest pains this past week, which are now gone thankfully, because I was ready to call 911 last night and this morning, but I knew it had to be my band being too tight that was keeping me from keeping even water down (and the downside to all of that too is my heart meds and night meds were not dissolving and I was throwing them up too, not good)

I'm still really tired. But I'll catch up on that tonight and the rest of the weekend. I do have the fear of gaining weight now that my band is open all the way. In 2 weeks, I'll go have it tightened, but only half way. For now, I'm on a liquid diet for 24 hours and haven't had actual food since last Thursday, but I look forward to eating real food tomorrow. What I need to keep in mind is my portion sizes and how often I eat, but once I feel like I can move again without so much pain in my body, I'll begin exercising again and that should help keep my weight in check as well. I think by Monday I will feel more like myself again.

So that's it. Like I said, I'm really tired still so I'm going to get some ice water and head to bed.

Peace.

4 days

2009-09-22T15:20:00.000-07:00

4 DAYS!! Till my grand daughter Nova is due! So, basically, any day now!! I suspect she may wait till Oct 1st or 2nd.

I'm VERY excited, though sad I won't be able to see her, probably till she's close to a month old, but still in the infant stage so all's good there.

My arbitration is Oct 8th and if all works out like I would like it to, I should have my settlement money before the end of Oct. The boy turns 14, Oct 26th, so I can't go see her than, but hopefully after that I can go for a short while to help out... plus, while I don't know what they need, I've got a ton of baby sites bookmarked so I can order some things for her, like these really cute leg warmers in various colors and patterns and other things. I also will find out what they need still... if nothing else, I plan on buying packages of diapers in different sizes, just to help out a bit since they are so very expensive.

So I'll spoil the little chewy, but also hope to help ease some of the expense for my son and daughter in law too.

I promised the boy a trip once I received the settlement, a short trip, a weekend one (though if his grades are good, I may let him miss a Monday so it can be a 3 day weekend) Not sure where yet, haven't even discussed it with him, only that because his sister got to go to Ca and stay with her brother, he asked if I would take him on a trip somewhere, so of course me always looking for a reason to get out of Vegas, said yes...

I'm always up for a trip to the beach, even have a favorite little motel Del Mar Hotel on the Beach, but being we've spent time there already, maybe I'll take him somewhere else. 3 days in NYC? I love NYC and he was real young last time we were there, catch a Broadway or off Broadway show, go to Serendipity for their famous hot chocolate.. or maybe NC, Myrtle Beach, neither of us have been there. We could leave right after school on Friday, maybe make it a 4 day trip if his grades are good, tie it in with his birthday... Any suggestions?

Then I'm putting money away for a tummy tuck and a move next year (after I catch up on my bills)and so the kids can have a Christmas though unlike a few years ago I'm not going to go overboard! (yeah, ok, shut up I'm good for going overboard when I have the money)

Writing workshop... If you give a Mom a moment

2009-09-21T03:30:00.000-07:00

Found this great giveaway over at Mama's Losin' It but it's not so much those beautiful champagne flutes, or the much needed gift certificate to Target that got me to do this diddy... I needed a reminder for myself as to why I do the things I do and don't do most of what I want to do. My kids.

There were a few prompts I could have picked from, but this one seemed like a no brainer to me...

If you give a Mom a moment: You might see that while she is exhausted beyond words, the phrase "Mama can you do... " is followed by, "Of course I can, lets do it together"

If you give a Mom a moment: Knowing that there is no gasoline in the car and no money for the rest of the month to put gas in said car, she'll still drive you and pick you up from the mall which will use up the rest of her gas, causing her to reschedule a few doctor appointments and a playdate of her own, just so you can do what you want to do and not feel left out.

If you give a Mom a moment: You would see that the greatest gift of all was not store bought but rather a hug with a kiss and a "I love you mama".

If you give a Mom a moment: You'd see in her eyes as she watches you grow up to fast, that life has been too short and growing up has come to quickly.

If you give a Mom a moment: You might catch her wiping away a tear as you walk across the stage to receive that High School diploma, something she never did herself.

If you give a Mom a moment: You might catch a glimpse of humility as she chants to others how proud she is of all 3 of her children, who are all in different stages of their lives, wondering to herself as she says this, how did they become so wonderful of human beings despite the numerous mistakes she made with each of them.

If you give a Mom a moment: You'll see that she won't tell you, but she needs a break if only a moment, to breathe again and remember why she put all that other stuff away and focused only on you. Only to have her realize you are the reason and that reason is good enough for her.

If you give a Mom a moment: You might notice the gray hairs coming in, the wrinkles a bit deeper, her movements a bit slower, but her smile is always there for you for no other reason than you are the reason.

If you give a Mom a moment: You will see that she is both exhilarated and terrified at the same time when she heard the words "you're going to be a grandma". With love overflowing, the knowledge of being able to watch you be the mom or dad now, brings her the greatest joy, aside from the fact that if you give her a moment, she will tell you how she did it and how not to do it like her... all the while waiting to hold this new life and knowing she has another chance of watching another gift grow up hoping at the same time it won't be as fast this time.

Bio Oil, Migraine remedies, thinning hair... Anyone?

2009-09-20T22:42:00.001-07:00

Bio Oil: Anyone out there try Bio Oil? I hear it works really well for diminishing stretch marks. It's rather expensive, but if I hear more good things about it, I'm likely to try it.

Migraine remedies: I've been trying to google migraine remedies that are liquid, the kind you sniff, like the one the church lady had. However, I seem to be having difficulty finding anything. I've looked it up as Holistic Migraine Remedies, Liquid Migraine Remedies and Homeopathic Remedies. I can't find ANYTHING. What am I missing here? What words should I use that I'm not using now? Help! (though I did ask church lady to contact her friend and find out how much that bottle was so I can get some next month if I have the money)

Thinning hair: Everyone I speak to tells me to use Nioxin. I bought a bottle of it at the first of the month, NOT cheap but not as expensive as I had been lead to believe. So far, I'm not noticing the difference, but I also don't wash my hair everyday (don't even go there, I wash it every other day, so shut up) I went on their website and did an assessment thing and I should be using #4 (I bought #1)but I only remember seeing #1 and #2 at the salon at Walmart (and have been told that what I paid for it was a better price than if I were to purchase it at a beauty supply store or a Salon)

Anyone ever use Nioxin or heard anything about it?

So do tell me the stories, so I know if I am wasting my money or before I waste my money! Or whatever.

Oh and while I'm at it...

How come people like the Kardashins get reality shows, but people like me who really live in reality, don't? Yeah I know, random stupid question thrown out there, shut up I really want to know.

What is Mochi?

2009-09-20T22:33:00.000-07:00

First it's this: A Japanese rice cake made of glutinous rice pounded into paste and molded into shape. In Japan it is traditionally made in a ceremony called mochitsuki. While also eaten year-round, mochi is a traditional food for the Japanese New Year and is commonly sold and eaten during that time. Mochi is also a prominent snack in Hawaii and Taiwan.

Then it's this, which is what I eat. Comes 6 to a package and usually I get one or two before the boy polishes them all off. Expensive but a nice treat for me since I can keep one down.

Small balls of ice cream are wrapped inside a mochi covering to make mochi ice cream. In Japan this is manufactured by the conglomerate Lotte under the name Yukimi Daifuku, "snow-viewing daifuku". In the United States the grocery chains Trader Joe's, H Mart, and Mollie Stone's sell mochi ice cream in flavors of chocolate, mango, green tea, coffee, vanilla, and strawberry. It is popular in California; Hawaii; Washington; Atlanta, Georgia; and Portland, Oregon. Mikawaya, a Japanese-owned company operating in Los Angeles, manufactures the variety that is sold by Trader Joe's and Mollie Stone's. The New Central Market in Anchorage Alaska provides a variety of mochi and mochi ice cream products throughout Alaska. The Pinkberry and Red Mango frozen yogurt chains also offer mochi as a "secret menu" (or in Red Mango's case, regular menu) topping on their desserts, available upon request from customers. The CeFiore frozen yogurt chain and Mr. Yogato and Cali Yogurt in Washington, DC also offer it as a regular topping.

It can also be used in soup and you can make dumplings with it... but the ice cream is to DIE for! I've never gotten to try the vanilla or coffee Mochi because for some reason my local Trader Joes does not carry those 2 flavors.

If you have the opportunity to try Mochi Ice Cream, do. Mochi is a pasty type substance even frozen around the ice cream and the two together are an odd combo, but it's yummy!!

Go on, you know you're dying to try some. Do it and leave me a comment, I'd love to read what you have to say about it!

Soda or Pop or Soda Pop and Mochi

2009-09-20T22:13:00.000-07:00

Since my surgery I had to stop drinking soda. The carbonation stretches out your stomach, so they advise you not to drink it. I haven't missed my daily pepsi's which were of course more than one and probably a big reason for my weight gain, since I drank all my calories and didn't move and well OK you understand...

But every once in a while I get a craving for the bubbles. I have to be careful when I drink anything, since I tend to gulp stuff and a lot of burping goes on and yeah, real lady like that there belching stuff even when I drink water...

So, here's the deal. I tried to drink a pepsi one day and besides tasting like shit in a bottle, there was way to much carbonation for me to deal with.

And then I found...

Gourmet Soda. OMG this is the BEST soda I have EVER tasted. You can find it at Walgreens (though not on their website, I've already checked) It's rather pricey but well worth it. A hint of carbonation which works well for that craving and the flavors are really strong. My favorites are the Vanilla Creme Soda and the Black Cherry. But I've also had the Orange Cream which tastes like one of those Popsicles I use to love, those orange ones with white filling... and the Strawberry Cream is good too. The other flavor is Rootbeer and Diet Rootbeer, but I don't like Rootbeer so haven't tried it.

Seriously, the flavors are real strong, best I've ever had.

And at Trader Joes.. they also carry "lightly carbonated" soda. Comes in a four pack, 3 or 4 different flavors, I think one is Blueberry, the one I got was Pomegranate cause I like the taste and the antioxidants that come with pomegranates. It's pretty good too, less carbonation than the Gourmet Soda's, not quite a flavorful but good. While you're at Trader Joes, for your ice cream cravings, I suggest Mochi. Japanese ice cream comes in 3 flavors, green tea, mango and I think strawberry. I'm partial to the green tea one, but have tried all three that are available here. They also make vanilla and coffee Mochi, but for some reason my local Trader Joes doesn't carry it.

What is Mochi? Well, I'll tell you - next post... or you can look it up on Wikipedia, which is basically what I am going to cut and paste into my next post ;)

Peace

Him.

2009-09-20T22:06:00.000-07:00

Not last year, the year before, a few weeks before Thanksgiving, I was getting gas and there was this guy there doing the same. I in my PJ's he in his work clothes, I some how managed to say hello and strike up a conversation...which led to me giving him my number and than me saying to myself as I drove off.. what an idiot, you hit on a good looking guy in your PJs?? But that was pretty much standard clothing for me a few years ago and kind of still is... but I digress.

He called me. Did I ever mention him? Not sure. He's 10 years younger than me and oh so cute. We talked for a few weeks on the phone and next thing you know I invite him over for Thanksgiving dinner, cause he's all alone and he accepts it and than helps me cook AND clean up!

We saw each other for a time here and there. Then things progressed to hmm.. friends with benefits. Not sure how that happened, but it did and I was crazy about him without him knowing it. Then one day, he was gone. Back to California, where he came from, because there was no work here and his little girl was still there (he is a single father). It's been over a year now, we keep in contact here and there...

Then I read on facebook that he was getting married. Married to this woman who when he was with I would not hear from him at all because she was jealous. Married to a woman who drinks to much (from his mouth I learned this from) MARRIED. I was bummed. Than I read that he was coming to Vegas! I made a point of posting on his facebook "My friend, I would love to get together with you and catch up, perhaps we can do lunch while you are out here". Nothing..

Friday he called me! It was so nice to hear his voice and that feeling I've had about him for the last 2 years came back, though I was still bummed about him getting married. We talked for a bit then I mentioned the marriage and he said it was off. That a few days after he proposed, she just stopped talking to him. Wouldn't return his calls and other stuff. Weird right? He said he thinks it's because she is 44 and has a grown child, she doesn't want to raise anymore. WHAT? Umm.. why not think about that before you say yes to a marriage proposal. (his daughter is 8)

So, he is coming to town next week or the week after and promised to call me so we can get together. He hasn't seen me since I've lost weight (though I did post the weight loss picture on facebook and he told me that I looked great :) ) and honestly? I'm hoping that something is there between us. I've thought about him day in and day out since the day we met. We have a lot in common and enjoy the time we spend together. I'm hoping what is HER loss, will be my gain. And YES, I would move to California to be with him and his daughter if I had too, though I don't particularly want to live in Ca again, I would for him...

Send out positive thoughts to the Universe for us, please. Yes, I would marry this guy, yes I can see me spending the rest of my life with him, yes it's that serious on my end. And yes, he likes older women, he had a bad experience with one and said that after he met me, he decided that staying away from older women wasn't for him and realized that we were not all like the bad experience one..I'm pretty sure I've told you all about him before cause right now I'm having deju vu!

And my madness? Doesn't seem to scare him at all. Score.

Migraines and more

2009-09-15T19:54:00.000-07:00

This morning I woke up and no migraine. Took my imuder (long acting nitro) and was doing dishes and BAM! It hit me like a ton of bricks! So, apparently it's the imuder causing the migraines.

I'm going to call the doctor tomorrow and see if we can lower the dosage or give me something for the migraine. Percocets don't work on them nor does valium. They are rendering me literally completely useless.

Weighing the odds - Chest pains and possible heart attack or migraines. Neither is a very good choice, but I will take the migraines over the other.

Tonight, ran into a lady from Church and I mentioned the migraines, she pulled out this small bottle of something called MG, which has basil, lavender, peppermint and some other ingredients, told me to take a small smell and put some on my pulse points and wow, right now my head still hurts, but NOTHING like it was prior to that little bottle. She gets it from a friend and it's just a small bottle that costs 20$ or so. I may have to splurge on it, I prefer holistic treatment rather than having to take another pill (I already take at least 20 types of pills a day, mostly different vitamins which takes me like an hour to take cause of my little stomach and really would prefer to not take anymore pills)

Anyone have any other type of holistic/natural ways to rid ones self of a migraine?

Having steamed clams for dinner, yum! They come in a box, you pop them in the microwave and they steam! I got them from Trader Joes, there's quite a few in there that the boy and I can share a box and I'll be full (he on the other hand is never full) and the cost of this box is only 4.29$ add some veggies to that and we can eat dinner for probably a total of 7$. Not bad for a good meal!

Peace.

Wordle!

2009-09-15T03:59:00.000-07:00

Every so often, Joe in and around Vegas makes me my Wordle and sends it to me. I love these things, I think they are pretty cool. I can usually make mine, but I've yet to figure out how to save it like Joe does, so I just wait for him to send me one here and there!

Thanks again Joe!!

So...

2009-09-12T11:52:00.000-07:00

I was looking through my sister Tracie's facebook pictures. For those that don't know, Tracie is my baby sister from my mother and stepfather. She's 23. Yep, a year and a half younger than my son!

Well, I am going to do something I thought I never would. I'm going to post a picture of me at my highest weight...taken at my sons wedding in August of 2008. Below it, is a picture of me and my daughter, taken at her graduation in June of this year. I look at the picture of me and my sister Tracie and I wonder, why did no one tell me how fat I was? And the picture of my daughter and I? I've since lost about another 30 pounds. I still have a ways to go... because I was sick and didn't know it (with my heart) I had no energy to even excersise and thus, I've got some skin that I am working on losing now. I work out in the pool nearly everyday now, have a nice tan going on (in both pictures I am very pale and you can see the bags under my eyes that I know longer have since my heart surgery), but so far no luck with the extra skin... I'm just going to keep at it though and hope that most of it begins to go away, though I am pretty resigned to the fact that I will probably need at least a tummy tuck. Also, for some reason I allowed my stupid sister (not the one in the picture) to cut my hair real short before the wedding and really? Fat people should not have short hair - at least this fat person. Now my hair is longer, even longer than in the second picture.

So without further ado...and I can't believe I am doing this but here's me one month before my lap band surgery and then there's me 9 months after my surgery. I was gross and honestly, when I look in the mirror I still see a very fat me, even though I'm down almost 130 pounds since the first picture was taken.. And please, no mean comments. I see now how gross I was (I suppose I was in complete denial thinking I looked good and was all that - and pow - I did NOT look good and I am STILL not all that!)a part of me still feels that gross, so I don't need anyone here beating me up about it, I do a good job all on my own...

Little sister Tracie and I... August 2008

Daughter and I... June 2009

My Own Food...

2009-09-07T16:21:00.000-07:00

I suppose I should address this, cause I think I might be the only one who does this.

I was having a conversation with my daughter today as we worked out in the pool and she said, you know mom you're the only parent I know who buys food just for them. I asked what she meant and she said, she goes to peoples homes and says, "what can't I eat" and they look at her weird, telling her she can eat whatever she wants.

I told her, blame her grandfather and grandmother (my stepmother) for that because thats what they did to me and I guess I picked it up - but also, in the last year since my surgery, there's only certain things I can eat and keep down.

Is it weird that I buy food for me? It's not like I don't buy food for them, cause I do. Snack foods mostly, plus since she doesn't eat meat I buy her certain foods for just her. Now, the boy is different, he eats everything and anything, including the stuff I buy for me, even when I tell him, thats for me. He gets plenty of snack foods, cause I know he is hungry when he comes home from school, but he also eats a months worth of food in a week! He is now my height, 5'8 and weighs 180 pounds, but there's not an ounce of fat on this kid, he's going to be this tall muscular kid soon.

So, am I the only one who buys food that's just for me or are there others out there like that?

Admitting it...

2009-09-06T17:02:00.000-07:00

The boy finally admitted that he ate the clam chowder. How fucking stupid is this to lie about?

"I knew you would get mad at me for eating it" is what he says. WHAT??

"What part of I dont CARE about the clam chowder, I care about the lying, are you not understanding here" I say to him.

"I know how you get when I eat your food" is the reply.

Yes, I have my own food. As does he. It's suppose to last the month, but his usually last less than a week. There are certain things I cannot eat and certain things I can, when I find something I can keep down, I get it for me. I only eat maybe one meal a day and have even been known to go a few days without eating.. either because I'm not hungry or too busy to eat and forget. Hell, my stomach is only 4 oz big so not being hungry is not something unusual for me, though I try to eat something each day to get nourishment at least...

I still don't care about the can of soup. I just don't understand why this child felt it so necessary to lie to me about it. Do I really get THAT angry at him when he eats something he knows is for me? I don't know, I suppose I need to look at that?

At least he finally admitted it...

Right?

Clam Chowder

2009-09-05T13:14:00.000-07:00

I bought 4 cans of clam chowder. 2 for me and 2 for the boy. I ate one last week. He finished both of his within a day or so, cause he's like that.

I went to the cabinet to heat a can up for me a bit ago and it was gone. I asked him why he ate my can and he denies it.

There is NO one else in this house. Him and I only. He vehemently denies eating it. I find a fresh empty can of clam chowder and show it to him and he keeps saying he didn't eat it. I show him the bowl in the sink that has clam chowder in it and he denies it. WTF?

I don't give a rats ass about the clam chowder, though I was disappointed because Id been thinking about it and wanted it...

I'm PISSED that he continues to lie to me about it. I ask him if there was anyone in the house last night while I was gone he says no. He can no longer blame his sister, she isn't here. He ate the damn can of soup and instead of admitting it he is in his room raging at me because I have now grounded him for LYING. HE thinks its because I think he ate the soup and isn't understanding it's because he LIED about it.

I can't take much more of this. Lying because he ate a damn can of clam chowder.

Dad

2009-09-04T15:28:00.001-07:00

I'm so use to going to him with things both good and bad. I'm use to telling him things and listening to his well meant but sometimes brutal advice.

I can't do that anymore. I can't stress him out with my stuff. I'm okay with that. But now I stress out about him and when I voice my concern about anything, I get chewed out by nearly everyone.

Example. Today I took my daughter to try and get her drivers license. Woke up at 7am (and if you know me at all you know that I am NOT a morning person) picked her up at Dads. She's afraid to drive my jeep, its too big for her she says so we took his Toyota. I couldn't figure out why she was having such a time with the brakes (I let her drive to one of the DMVs) and was trying to tell her to go easy on them...

The first DMV was way to busy and no parking places so I got behind the wheel to take us to a different one and found out why she was having such trouble with the brakes. THEY ARE GOING OUT! I know a bit about cars so this had me concerned.

We get to the other DMV and we find out that his license plates have been suspended since August 26th. WTF? Clearly an insurance error, but the child couldn't take the test in that car so we headed back to Dads.

Oh and let me explain this. The half an artificial heart implanted in him also comes with this wire that comes out of his stomach and attaches to these HUGE batteries that only last 4 hours, so he has to carry extras with him wherever he goes, but also he is not allowed to get any of that wet (making it difficult to take showers and be outside when it rains)...

After we drop his car back off and I explain to my stepmother that the brakes are bad, she tells me that she thought so but since she doesn't know anything about cars she let it go.. okay understandable... but I don't want my father or my kid in that car, plus - when my daughter hit some water turning right, the tires slid which tells me that the tires tread isn't up to par...

My aunt took Dad to the Lab to get some blood work done and I came home after a brief workout in the pool. As I'm watching TV they broadcast a severe thunderstorm warning for us. I call my father and ask him if he is home yet he says no, they are now eating lunch out. I tell him about the rain coming and he assures me that they will wait at the restaurant till it stops...

20 minutes later it's pouring down here. I call again, making sure he is okay and find he is in the car. I don't know what car, I ask "In the Toyota?" he mumbles something to me that sounded like yes and I said Dad, the brakes are bad and it's pouring rain please tell whoever is driving (I didn't know it was my aunt or stepmother) to be careful. The next thing I know my aunt is on the phone with me yelling at me not to tell my father what is wrong with the car.

WTF? I can't do anything right, obviously. A week ago my stepmother kicked me out of the house because I was yelling at my sister for trying to steal my xanex from me and I caught her in the act... and this bitch that lives in the complex of my fathers, LOCKED ME OUT OF MY FAMILIES HOUSE! I'm told she was reamed for it, told she wasn't family and I was and that she needs to stay out of it and I'm told that my stepmother also reamed my sister for trying to steal from me AGAIN.. but still I am always the bad guy it seems.

I worry about my father and express it and get reamed. I stay away from the family so as not to get reamed and get reamed.

I can't win for fucking losing.

I must leave this town, leave this negativity soon or I don't know what I'm going to do. I no longer speak to my sister, if you remember last year at my boys wedding she broke into my hotel room and stole a full bottle of Valium (which I had just refilled and usually lasts me about 3 months) and I stopped speaking to her for 4 months till she said she was getting clean and sober - which she didn't do. The Friday before the incident in my house, she was smoking pot in front of my boy. I don't smoke pot, well about at his age I did for a few months but never liked it and he's not exposed to it at home, but she's never hidden the fact that she does and lets just say that and the stealing from me, is the last straw. I'm done. I was told she was going to move down to Tucson but now I hear she is staying in Vegas, so life here will be difficult at best, between her and now my aunt and as always my stepmother...

Fuck. I'm 45 years old. When does this end?

When I get out of Vegas I bet. Just like it did when I was gone before.

That's got to be the plan. Leave. Just a matter of where, when and how. Mostly where. The when will have to wait till the boy graduates Junior High next June and the how should be okay when I get my settlement from my car accident before then...

Anyone have any suggestions? Beach and snow that's what I look for.

Peace.

My daughter, my son.

2009-09-03T15:02:00.000-07:00

My daughter, my pride and joy, the one who has seemingly come out of being my child unscathed, moved out. Last week. I'm very sad, hurt and angry about it. She didn't move far, only about 4 blocks away to my fathers. Yes, my fathers.

Dad's been in Phx for the past year and has finally returned home after receiving half an artificial heart. She wasted no time. She lied, told him that I was ok with it and when he hit me with it I was in shock. SHE didn't want to tell me because she knew that I wanted her here with me for one more year and clearly knew what my response would be.

I said some very mean things to her, as I lashed out in my own pain and fear of losing her. While she is my flesh and blood, she holds no grudges and when I calmed down enough for her and I to speak, she told me she loved me and I was able to tell her I loved her back.

I'm not afraid to be alone and I'm not alone right now, since my baby still lives with me. But for some reason I felt rejected and hated. HOW after raising her all alone for 18 years, could she just leave me like that? But that's not what she was doing. She wasn't leaving me, she's spreading her wings. Better she go live with her grandfather and not have to worry about a ton of bills and other things, than off on her own where she must pay bills and work and go to college. It took me a couple days to accept that, though I have told her more than once I want her to come home I'm no longer so angry at her. I miss her.

It's now just me and my 13 year old boy. It's not easy. There's no buffer here anymore and he's an angry kid, which often is directed to me as I try to parent him. His rages frighten me most of the time. I'm slowly learning to deal with it the best I know how and can only hope that as he matures he will see that I do what I do because I love him. As I wrote in my essay for Violence Unsilenced, "is it too late" for this child? I hope not. He isn't a "bad" kid, he simply has no self control over his anger and he rages against authority. I am putting him back on vyvanse, medication that helps with ADHD children, of which he is one. And I think I may put us both in therapy though he has told me more than once that he will not speak. If nothing else, perhaps it will help ME to learn how to deal with him in a way I don't know of right now.

That's all for now from the fast lane. Life seems so bleak as I sit here... there seems to be no end in sight, no light at the end of the tunnel.. but I think I will just keep looking for it.

Peace

See that sign on the right of my blog?

2009-09-01T13:26:00.001-07:00

The one called, Violence Unsilenced? See it? Over there? Not hard to miss. Have you ever wondered why I have it there?

I was a battered woman. I have what is called, Battered Woman Syndrome. It is quite possible that that is the main reason I do not do relationships well, a trust issue perhaps, though who knows since I never went into therapy for it. Writing was my therapy, always. Anger is my lifeline these days. As my life begins to crumble in ways I seemingly have no control over, anger keeps me alive, lets me know I am alive.

Sept 3rd, my story will be out there for all to see. I'm not afraid or ashamed anymore, but I am still angry. I have a loathing for people that is unmistakable and unbearable at times, though most tell me and others I am the nicest person they know... but if you do not know me, I come off as aloof, standoffish and often defensive. If I let you into my life, beyond the circle of boundaries that I have, its because I have watched you closely for a long time and if you screw up, I'm gone and done with you.

If I dont know you and you screw up, I am angry and it shows. If you dont know me, you are afraid of me. I am tough, strong, angry and pissed off at the world and it shows. If you don't know me you ask people that do know me and like me, how they can like me. They will tell you I am a giving, caring and loving person... but if you dont know me, you dont see that.

I dont mean to sound like Im the best there is, but few people are allowed into my world, my real world, not my blog world. I have few friends and then there are those that want to be my friend. Those people I look at, I watch and I wonder, why in the world do they want to be friends with me. I'm nothing special. Im a failure at nearly everything I do and I can be a shitty friend, losing touch with those that have been allowed into my life.. that is how "I" see me.

I use to pride myself on the self control I had around those that are idiots. Now, not so much. I dont hide my loathing well, perhaps that is because I am 45 years old now and simply to not wish to play the game. And sometimes, I honestly believe that those I love would be better off without me.

There's more, but its painful new things that have happened that I just do not want to share right now. When the pain begins to subside, I may be able to put the words to paper. For now, I will leave it at this.

So, Sept 3rd, please go to the link on the right and read my story, maybe you will gain some insight into why I am so angry, why I am so hard to get to know and why you must be so very special if I call you friend.

R.I.P

2009-08-27T20:04:00.000-07:00

Ted and Eunice Kennedy..

They will be missed.

I have some painful things to share with you, however above that pain I am in tremendous anger, thus it is not the time to share this.

I will.

I promise.

Blizzard...

2009-08-18T14:27:00.000-07:00

My cat Blizzard died. A few months ago. He was a special cat. Just 2 years old actually. When he was born, he was white with back legs that were deformed, they were like rabbits not like cats. I didn't think anyone would want him, so I kept him for myself. He loved only me. He hated anyone that came in my room or sat on my bed or the few times when men stayed over, he would be very angry! He would not speak to me for days, speaking I mean coming up to me and rubbing his face in my face.

I could make kissy noises with my mouth and he would come to me, rub his head on my face and loved kisses. Blizzard saved my life I believe a few times. When I was heavier, I would stop breathing at night and Blizzard always woke me up, scratching my face. I would wake up coughing and spitting from not being able to breathe, always with Blizzard right at my face, paws on it, meowing.

I came home one morning from an all nighter and my son had been awake all night waiting for me to get home. I missed Blizzard by an hour. He died in my sons arms. His legs had become normal as he grew, but my son said that night his legs went back the way they were when he was born, deformed. He couldn't walk and he couldn't move. I still do not know what happened to him and I miss him still very much.

My girl cat was pregnant, with Blizzards babies, when Blizzard died. I have 4 white kittens, 2 all white and 2 that look similar to Blizzard, kind of Siamese looking. None with his personality, but I'm hard pressed to give them all away. I can't keep them all, but I would love to. They aren't very friendly truth be told, but I may keep one of them, if we can figure out which one is a boy.

Just catching a bit up in the fast lane.

Catching up

2009-08-06T00:02:00.001-07:00

Theres a lot of things I need to write about, to catch you all up with. I hope to be doing that in the next few days. Life hasn't all been bad the last few months and I would really like to share the good things too...

So, I will.

Monday morning came and...

2009-08-05T23:46:00.000-07:00

I was having chest pains. Been having them for over a month. So, I took myself to the ER and 12 hours later found myself in a room on the cardio ward.

Tuesday morning came and they did a stress test. Which came out abnormal. The doctor and I spoke and I had him talked into letting me leave and do an outpatient procedure, but my father called as we were talking and he wanted to be put on speaker phone.

The good thing was I had NOT had a heart attack. The bad thing was, I COULD have one if I went home and waited to have the procedure, so I ended up staying at the hospital. I was NOT happy, but understood that if the doctor hadn't felt there was a risk of a heart attack, he would have let me go home yesterday.

This morning, I went in for an angiogram. They found an artery that was clogged and unclogged it. It was a very uncomfortable procedure, but not painful. I was pretty scared and alone. I've bruises all over my arms, from IV's and blood work. My potassium levels are real low and my cholesterol levels are really really really high. Even though I do not eat like I use to and have lost over 100 pounds now, apparently my cholesterol problem is genetic. I also found out that my mother has what she calls a spastic heart as it turns out, so do I. The one thing I inherited from my mother. Figures. And apparently, my grams cholesterol was always in the 800's, though she took excellent care of herself, thus I inherited the high cholesterol from her!

Tonight, I have finally returned home. It feels so nice to be in my own bed. I'm on bed rest for a week. No walking too much, no lifting anything. I now must carry with me nitro and take cholesterol pills. I'll probably go to the vitamin store next week and get potassium pills, though doctor did say I could control that by eating foods high in potassium, such as watermelon, cantaloupe and bananas. But just to be safe, I think I'm going to take the pills if they sell them.

So that's it in a nutshell. Life in my fast lane has been a mess now for a few years...

I wonder if it will ever get better again.

I'm alive.

2009-08-03T03:49:00.000-07:00

Been without internet or computer for a while. Long story short.. money.

Not sure how much I will contribute here right now, things are really messed up at home finacially and other things. Oh how I wish I could leave this town and start new.

My father will be returning to Vegas this month 2 days before my 45th birthday. He never received the heart transplant as he became too sick for it and was removed from the UNO'S list. They did place a LVAD wire in him and now he is limited in all that he does.

I will be grandmother soon. Sept 26th, my granddaughter Nova Ruby is to join us in this world. I am very excited.

Right now it's 4am and I am on my sleep cycle of sleeping during the day and up all night again. I can't seem to break it as hard as I try.

I am sorry to those that I owe things to from Monday Giveaway. Currently I do not have the money for postage and packing materials. I just barely have enough to pay bills and buy food for the kids. I'm not even sure I'll be able to keep my internet on again, but cross our fingers that I can.

I'm off to try to sleep. More later.

Where the hell has Lea been?

2009-05-07T20:02:00.000-07:00

Oh, did you miss me?

I'm around.

The internet.

I've become addicted to this stupid game, Mobsters. And if that isn't bad enough...

I've found a chat room full of other Mobster addicts. Oh yeah, memories of days gone by when I was hours and hours on AOL.

What else have I done?

Uhh..

I vaccumed half the hallway, till the belt on the vaccum broke for the 12th time AGAIN!!! And instead of putting on another belt (which is a bitch to do)I came to my computer and chatted online in the chat room for 6 hours. 6 HOURS. Don't ask me what I spoke about, because I have no clue.

What else didn't I do..

Put my new weight bench together. Work out on the Wii. Clean the kitchen. Take a shower.. you get the idea, right? Thought so.

I'm still dealing with Chances rages, though the last few days have been pleasant enough. He even took out the trash, the first time I asked him to today.

Tess on the other hand, while she's a good kid, there are things she needs to do to be a responsible adult (since she insists she is an adult, the day she turned 18)and for the life of me, I cannot get her to do these things..

Like:
Study for the drivers exam that she has failed 6 times.
Call FAFSA and check to see about grants for college.
Call the college and find out when she is to register.
Call the college and also find out about grants she may be eligible for.
Clean the damn cat box every day so I don't have to smell it. (I throw up when I clean it and nearly throw up just smelling it)
and the worse thing..

HOUSETRAIN HER FUCKING PUPPY.

I refuse to housetrain it. It's her dog. My two are housetrained, though they are also large and outside most the time (till it's too hot here, since one is a siberian husky, a snow dog and the other is siberian husky/border collie mix, then they will be in the house more than out, but still they are housetrained)
Yes, I have threatened to get rid of her dog, though it breaks my heart, it IS being neglected, unless I take it out of her room and let it follow me around the house, but the damn thing shits in my living room. After threatening her one last time, to her credit, she has been picking up the shit right away and spraying vinegar/water to take away the smell, but dammit, that dog should be going outside and she is too lazy to sit out there for 10 minutes while it does it's business. Every once in a while I will take it outside, because I feel bad for her, locked in Tessa's room all day, but I can't always do this, as I am not always home either... it's a viscous cycle.

And one last thing.. ok, two last things....

I colored my hair dark. No, you can't see it. I have culture shock everytime I look at it and am thinking of putting some blond highlights in it.

I'm thinking about doing away with Monday Giveaway, since I seem to not be able to send out the winnings.. this week it's mostly because I am broke that they haven't gone out yet... though I do have to go to Walmart tomorrow, after the gas guy comes sometime (it's an all day appointment, they shut my gas off yesterday for non payment, I just forgot to pay it) so maybe I will remember to pick up the packing stuff I need to send out the winnings...

Sometimes, I'm such a loser.