Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Vapur water bottle giveaway

While all things baby is kind of me now, I'm also always looking for a way to do my part in helping the earth be healthy. I usually reuse plastic bottles that I might purchase with water or gatorade in them at first, until they aren't really usable any longer... but these things are even better and finiacially not to bad on the pocket book.

I'd love to win one, but will probably end up purchasing a few for the boy and I, since they are freezer proof as well..

Check out The Mom Reviews Vapur water bottle giveaway and see for yourself how great these "bottles" are!

Again, just trying to win some cool things for the baby!

Check out The Mom Reviews for lots of great giveaways, but this one is really really cute! Matching umbrella and raincoat. All the patterns are really adorable, but I am partial to the polka dots one.

Check it out! You'll love it!

More to come I'm sure - trying to get all I can for my granddaughter!

Tupperware anyone? Huh?

I'm considering selling Tupperware. I LOVE the product and believe in it, but I'm concerned with a few things.

I'm a crappy follow through kind of person. I invested money in making candles to sell, nice organic soy candles, but I haven't sold any. I make them once in a while and then I burn them here at home.

Will anyone WANT to purchase Tupperware? Follow through aside, I'm even a worse salesperson. I KNOW how to market things, yet I'm the worst salesperson in the world. Tupperware kind of sells itself I think, so perhaps the salesperson thing might not be a hindrance, however following through on things will be.

So, some questions... Would anyone here be interested in buying Tupperware, should I decide to become a seller of it? Would anyone blog about it? Maybe have an online party for me? Would you ask me for a catalog? Would you help me while helping you (cause Tupperware is really cool, I really DO like it and think it's better than Rubbermaid even and it's always great to have storage containers for left over food and other things to help you in the kitchen)?

I really need to find a way to make some extra money, which wouldn't be "extra" really, because my outgoing money each month is always more than my incoming money each month and I'm forever paying overdraft fees, so really extra isn't what it would be but it might save me from those overdraft fees.

Suggestions please... some ideas on how to get the word out (should I do this and IF I do it, it would not be till next month probably) Do I offer freebies for blogging about me selling Tupperware? Do I offer giveaways if someone online purchases something from me, because you blogged about it? And even better giveaway, if someone holds an online (or if in Vegas, real time) party because one of you blogged about it? (And I know I need to be way more disciplined and vigilant when it comes to following through with things, especially when it is hopefully making me money)

Send me your ideas, your suggestions, your thoughts... everything will be considered. Help me with coming up with new and innovated ways to hopefully make this venture into a successful one, should I decide to go forth with it.

Anyone, please?

Earthquakes and Tsunamis

This morning, there was an 8.3 earthquake in the Samoa Islands. Quickly following that, a Tsunami warning was sent out, for Hawaii. My mother and her husband are somewhere in Hawaii (I've no clue where and only knew she was there from 2 comments she left on her facebook comments)I was pretty worried and relieved few hours later to find out that the warning had gone to an advisory.


As it turned out there was a Tsunami. On one of the Samoa Islands. You can read about it here. Tsunami While not so much damage was done as the one a few years ago, damage is apparent, loss of life has occurred and they are expecting another one, bigger than the first. Sad.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009


Man I am PISSED right now. Real pissed. Pissed enough to want to track someone down and punch her in the face.

I follow a lot of blogs and am on facebook as well. One of my favorite bloggers, mentioned something about being sent emails that say something to the effect of "freedom isn't free, someone has to pay for it" and being upset about having been sent this more than once... she mentioned it on her facebook page...

I commented, mentioned I had a tattoo that I designed on me, a peace sign with daisies, that under it says "freedom don't come free" which is a song lyric from one of my favorite Toby Keith songs, "the angry american"... and some bitch friend of this person writes:

(name deleted not to protect her, but because I didn't get her permission to repost this)LOL Maybe I *am* a snobby, bleeding-heart liberal, but why would anyone put something so glaringly grammatically incorrect (not to mention, um, dumb) in their skin? I'm sorry, honey, but that screams "hillbilly!"

Bitch. I grew up 2 blocks from Bel Air, Ca. In Encino, Ca surrounded by movie stars and wealthy people. HILLBILLY? My fucking ass. Farthest thing from it. After leaving a mostly nasty comment back, with sorry HONEY a few times in it and damn glad we live in a country where you can criticize what I do with my own body and not be persecuted for it... I had to go back and say "sorry but I cannot be friends here with someone who has someone else here that is closed minded and snobbish, as they are to me the same as someone who is racist and a bigot. Wonder what she would think/say if she knew I had a black niece adopted from Ethiopia and a DIL and grandbaby who are both half mexican and I adore all 3 of them!"

Closed minded dumb people really get under my skin, bad. So, I am removing myself from this persons facebook friends list, but I'll still follow her blog cause I LIKE her, I just don't like her "friend" lol

People. Just are stupid.

I'm all about baby right now!

I LOVE all things baby right now! Project Mommyhood is having a giveaway of these great burb towels. I love them and hope to win one to send to my DIL for my chewy, who still hasn't come, but any day! If I don't win, then I'll have to go to the etsy shop and order some!

Monday, September 28, 2009

Starting to feel more and more like myself, thankfully!! Still a bit more tired than I would like but coming around! No grand daughter yet, stubborn little chewy doesn't want to meet her mommy and daddy just yet LOL I think she'll show her beautiful face Oct 1st or 2nd. Someone tell that child her gamma is waiting impatiently for her arrival :) I can't WAIT till I get to kiss her and nibble on her little feet!

Speaking of my chewy. DIL mentioned GDiapers. Pretty cool things actually, rather expensive but possibly doable on my end to help out with the expense, if that is what she wants to use and they are cute/trendy to boot (not that I'm a big fashion/trendy person). Check them out and other great things at (thank you my friend for this site!) I love all the pink and green and other color ruffles on baby girls!


Sunday, September 27, 2009

Losing consciousness

Last night, I got up from bed and walked the 4 feet to the boys room to ask him a question. Next thing I knew I was on the floor, disorientated and hearing my boy screaming MOM MOM...

What happened? I'm not really sure. Often times at night I get dizzy when I get up from bed to go to the kitchen for some water or something else to drink....usually I stop, lean on the wall and take some deep breaths till it passes.

Last night though, I apparently grabbed the door handle and fell backwards hitting my head (or so the boy says, but no bumps or tenderness on my head so who knows). I literally blacked out. My oldest boy said I should have gone to the hospital, but I freaked the little one out so much, I couldn't leave him. He was near tears, asking if I was having a heart attack, should he call 911 - I assured him I was ok, after sitting there for a bit trying to piece together what actually happened.

Things are just not going well! Now I wonder if my blood sugar is down from being so dehydrated last week - I just don't know. I am going to find a primary doctor tomorrow and have them run lots of tests. Since the cardio doctor already ran tests n my liver and kidney functions and both came out clear, there's clearly something else going on with me.

Thankfully, since being able to rehydrate myself and today I finally ate, I've had no chest pains so while I'm concerned about my heart, the concern has subside a lot since last week I was having constant chest pains and nitro wasn't working at all. (too much stress on the heart being dehydrated and basically starving to death)

My granddaughter has not even attempted to make an appearance yet. Her mommy is very frustrated, but we had a long talk a bit ago and she understands that the longer Nova remains inside, the stronger she gets and that usually a first born child is give or take a few weeks from the proposed due date. Both my son and I think she will come Thursday or Friday. Mommy goes for a check up an Thursday and they will decide then if she should be induced or not. I don't think that will be necessary, I think Nova is just taking her sweet time to get here!

My DIL would like to use something called GDiapers or possibly cloth diapers. I've never heard of GDiapers, but told her to do some research, find out what they cost for a year and to also find some diaper services and get some prices on that too and I may be able to help them out with diaper service for a year or the GDiapers for a year. I used cloth diapers for both my oldest son and my daughter and I loved them. Plus they are easier on the enviornment.

That's it for now.


Saturday, September 26, 2009

I LOVE this blog..

I know my friend in NH will love this blog too, but I thought I would share it with everyone. As my strength seems to come back, I'm hungry too, but my stomach is still real sensitive and eating is still a bit of a struggle.... I began looking through my blog roll call last night and found this site again. I'd forgotten how much I really like it and hope as I get better I can make some of her recipes cause it all looks SO good!! I love her plate settings and tables and garden and well go check her out yourself.

Once in a blue moon

Friday, September 25, 2009

Just a quick check in..

I've been sick. Real sick. I went to the doctors today, I could barely speak and couldn't drive, my Aunt took me.

I had to have them let out my lap band. I lost 18 pounds in 8 days. I couldn't keep anything down, including water and was having chest pains that would not go away.

I am severely dehydrated, though I've been able to get 2 large ice waters down and a 32oz Gatorade and keep all of it down other than the first few sips of the Gatorade. I already feel better. But 18 pounds in 8 days is not good and was putting pressure on my heart which is what caused the severe chest pains this past week, which are now gone thankfully, because I was ready to call 911 last night and this morning, but I knew it had to be my band being too tight that was keeping me from keeping even water down (and the downside to all of that too is my heart meds and night meds were not dissolving and I was throwing them up too, not good)

I'm still really tired. But I'll catch up on that tonight and the rest of the weekend. I do have the fear of gaining weight now that my band is open all the way. In 2 weeks, I'll go have it tightened, but only half way. For now, I'm on a liquid diet for 24 hours and haven't had actual food since last Thursday, but I look forward to eating real food tomorrow. What I need to keep in mind is my portion sizes and how often I eat, but once I feel like I can move again without so much pain in my body, I'll begin exercising again and that should help keep my weight in check as well. I think by Monday I will feel more like myself again.

So that's it. Like I said, I'm really tired still so I'm going to get some ice water and head to bed.


Tuesday, September 22, 2009

4 days

4 DAYS!! Till my grand daughter Nova is due! So, basically, any day now!! I suspect she may wait till Oct 1st or 2nd.

I'm VERY excited, though sad I won't be able to see her, probably till she's close to a month old, but still in the infant stage so all's good there.

My arbitration is Oct 8th and if all works out like I would like it to, I should have my settlement money before the end of Oct. The boy turns 14, Oct 26th, so I can't go see her than, but hopefully after that I can go for a short while to help out... plus, while I don't know what they need, I've got a ton of baby sites bookmarked so I can order some things for her, like these really cute leg warmers in various colors and patterns and other things. I also will find out what they need still... if nothing else, I plan on buying packages of diapers in different sizes, just to help out a bit since they are so very expensive.

So I'll spoil the little chewy, but also hope to help ease some of the expense for my son and daughter in law too.

I promised the boy a trip once I received the settlement, a short trip, a weekend one (though if his grades are good, I may let him miss a Monday so it can be a 3 day weekend) Not sure where yet, haven't even discussed it with him, only that because his sister got to go to Ca and stay with her brother, he asked if I would take him on a trip somewhere, so of course me always looking for a reason to get out of Vegas, said yes...

I'm always up for a trip to the beach, even have a favorite little motel Del Mar Hotel on the Beach, but being we've spent time there already, maybe I'll take him somewhere else. 3 days in NYC? I love NYC and he was real young last time we were there, catch a Broadway or off Broadway show, go to Serendipity for their famous hot chocolate.. or maybe NC, Myrtle Beach, neither of us have been there. We could leave right after school on Friday, maybe make it a 4 day trip if his grades are good, tie it in with his birthday... Any suggestions?

Then I'm putting money away for a tummy tuck and a move next year (after I catch up on my bills)and so the kids can have a Christmas though unlike a few years ago I'm not going to go overboard! (yeah, ok, shut up I'm good for going overboard when I have the money)

Monday, September 21, 2009

Writing workshop... If you give a Mom a moment

Found this great giveaway over at Mama's Losin' It but it's not so much those beautiful champagne flutes, or the much needed gift certificate to Target that got me to do this diddy... I needed a reminder for myself as to why I do the things I do and don't do most of what I want to do. My kids.

There were a few prompts I could have picked from, but this one seemed like a no brainer to me...

If you give a Mom a moment: You might see that while she is exhausted beyond words, the phrase "Mama can you do... " is followed by, "Of course I can, lets do it together"

If you give a Mom a moment: Knowing that there is no gasoline in the car and no money for the rest of the month to put gas in said car, she'll still drive you and pick you up from the mall which will use up the rest of her gas, causing her to reschedule a few doctor appointments and a playdate of her own, just so you can do what you want to do and not feel left out.

If you give a Mom a moment: You would see that the greatest gift of all was not store bought but rather a hug with a kiss and a "I love you mama".

If you give a Mom a moment: You'd see in her eyes as she watches you grow up to fast, that life has been too short and growing up has come to quickly.

If you give a Mom a moment: You might catch her wiping away a tear as you walk across the stage to receive that High School diploma, something she never did herself.

If you give a Mom a moment: You might catch a glimpse of humility as she chants to others how proud she is of all 3 of her children, who are all in different stages of their lives, wondering to herself as she says this, how did they become so wonderful of human beings despite the numerous mistakes she made with each of them.

If you give a Mom a moment: You'll see that she won't tell you, but she needs a break if only a moment, to breathe again and remember why she put all that other stuff away and focused only on you. Only to have her realize you are the reason and that reason is good enough for her.

If you give a Mom a moment: You might notice the gray hairs coming in, the wrinkles a bit deeper, her movements a bit slower, but her smile is always there for you for no other reason than you are the reason.

If you give a Mom a moment: You will see that she is both exhilarated and terrified at the same time when she heard the words "you're going to be a grandma". With love overflowing, the knowledge of being able to watch you be the mom or dad now, brings her the greatest joy, aside from the fact that if you give her a moment, she will tell you how she did it and how not to do it like her... all the while waiting to hold this new life and knowing she has another chance of watching another gift grow up hoping at the same time it won't be as fast this time.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Bio Oil, Migraine remedies, thinning hair... Anyone?

Bio Oil: Anyone out there try Bio Oil? I hear it works really well for diminishing stretch marks. It's rather expensive, but if I hear more good things about it, I'm likely to try it.

Migraine remedies: I've been trying to google migraine remedies that are liquid, the kind you sniff, like the one the church lady had. However, I seem to be having difficulty finding anything. I've looked it up as Holistic Migraine Remedies, Liquid Migraine Remedies and Homeopathic Remedies. I can't find ANYTHING. What am I missing here? What words should I use that I'm not using now? Help! (though I did ask church lady to contact her friend and find out how much that bottle was so I can get some next month if I have the money)

Thinning hair: Everyone I speak to tells me to use Nioxin. I bought a bottle of it at the first of the month, NOT cheap but not as expensive as I had been lead to believe. So far, I'm not noticing the difference, but I also don't wash my hair everyday (don't even go there, I wash it every other day, so shut up) I went on their website and did an assessment thing and I should be using #4 (I bought #1)but I only remember seeing #1 and #2 at the salon at Walmart (and have been told that what I paid for it was a better price than if I were to purchase it at a beauty supply store or a Salon)

Anyone ever use Nioxin or heard anything about it?

So do tell me the stories, so I know if I am wasting my money or before I waste my money! Or whatever.

Oh and while I'm at it...

How come people like the Kardashins get reality shows, but people like me who really live in reality, don't? Yeah I know, random stupid question thrown out there, shut up I really want to know.

What is Mochi?

First it's this: A Japanese rice cake made of glutinous rice pounded into paste and molded into shape. In Japan it is traditionally made in a ceremony called mochitsuki. While also eaten year-round, mochi is a traditional food for the Japanese New Year and is commonly sold and eaten during that time. Mochi is also a prominent snack in Hawaii and Taiwan.

Then it's this, which is what I eat. Comes 6 to a package and usually I get one or two before the boy polishes them all off. Expensive but a nice treat for me since I can keep one down.

Small balls of ice cream are wrapped inside a mochi covering to make mochi ice cream. In Japan this is manufactured by the conglomerate Lotte under the name Yukimi Daifuku, "snow-viewing daifuku". In the United States the grocery chains Trader Joe's, H Mart, and Mollie Stone's sell mochi ice cream in flavors of chocolate, mango, green tea, coffee, vanilla, and strawberry. It is popular in California; Hawaii; Washington; Atlanta, Georgia; and Portland, Oregon. Mikawaya, a Japanese-owned company operating in Los Angeles, manufactures the variety that is sold by Trader Joe's and Mollie Stone's. The New Central Market in Anchorage Alaska provides a variety of mochi and mochi ice cream products throughout Alaska. The Pinkberry and Red Mango frozen yogurt chains also offer mochi as a "secret menu" (or in Red Mango's case, regular menu) topping on their desserts, available upon request from customers. The CeFiore frozen yogurt chain and Mr. Yogato and Cali Yogurt in Washington, DC also offer it as a regular topping.

It can also be used in soup and you can make dumplings with it... but the ice cream is to DIE for! I've never gotten to try the vanilla or coffee Mochi because for some reason my local Trader Joes does not carry those 2 flavors.

If you have the opportunity to try Mochi Ice Cream, do. Mochi is a pasty type substance even frozen around the ice cream and the two together are an odd combo, but it's yummy!!

Go on, you know you're dying to try some. Do it and leave me a comment, I'd love to read what you have to say about it!

Soda or Pop or Soda Pop and Mochi

Since my surgery I had to stop drinking soda. The carbonation stretches out your stomach, so they advise you not to drink it. I haven't missed my daily pepsi's which were of course more than one and probably a big reason for my weight gain, since I drank all my calories and didn't move and well OK you understand...

But every once in a while I get a craving for the bubbles. I have to be careful when I drink anything, since I tend to gulp stuff and a lot of burping goes on and yeah, real lady like that there belching stuff even when I drink water...

So, here's the deal. I tried to drink a pepsi one day and besides tasting like shit in a bottle, there was way to much carbonation for me to deal with.

And then I found...

Gourmet Soda. OMG this is the BEST soda I have EVER tasted. You can find it at Walgreens (though not on their website, I've already checked) It's rather pricey but well worth it. A hint of carbonation which works well for that craving and the flavors are really strong. My favorites are the Vanilla Creme Soda and the Black Cherry. But I've also had the Orange Cream which tastes like one of those Popsicles I use to love, those orange ones with white filling... and the Strawberry Cream is good too. The other flavor is Rootbeer and Diet Rootbeer, but I don't like Rootbeer so haven't tried it.

Seriously, the flavors are real strong, best I've ever had.

And at Trader Joes.. they also carry "lightly carbonated" soda. Comes in a four pack, 3 or 4 different flavors, I think one is Blueberry, the one I got was Pomegranate cause I like the taste and the antioxidants that come with pomegranates. It's pretty good too, less carbonation than the Gourmet Soda's, not quite a flavorful but good. While you're at Trader Joes, for your ice cream cravings, I suggest Mochi. Japanese ice cream comes in 3 flavors, green tea, mango and I think strawberry. I'm partial to the green tea one, but have tried all three that are available here. They also make vanilla and coffee Mochi, but for some reason my local Trader Joes doesn't carry it.

What is Mochi? Well, I'll tell you - next post... or you can look it up on Wikipedia, which is basically what I am going to cut and paste into my next post ;)



Not last year, the year before, a few weeks before Thanksgiving, I was getting gas and there was this guy there doing the same. I in my PJ's he in his work clothes, I some how managed to say hello and strike up a conversation...which led to me giving him my number and than me saying to myself as I drove off.. what an idiot, you hit on a good looking guy in your PJs?? But that was pretty much standard clothing for me a few years ago and kind of still is... but I digress.

He called me. Did I ever mention him? Not sure. He's 10 years younger than me and oh so cute. We talked for a few weeks on the phone and next thing you know I invite him over for Thanksgiving dinner, cause he's all alone and he accepts it and than helps me cook AND clean up!

We saw each other for a time here and there. Then things progressed to hmm.. friends with benefits. Not sure how that happened, but it did and I was crazy about him without him knowing it. Then one day, he was gone. Back to California, where he came from, because there was no work here and his little girl was still there (he is a single father). It's been over a year now, we keep in contact here and there...

Then I read on facebook that he was getting married. Married to this woman who when he was with I would not hear from him at all because she was jealous. Married to a woman who drinks to much (from his mouth I learned this from) MARRIED. I was bummed. Than I read that he was coming to Vegas! I made a point of posting on his facebook "My friend, I would love to get together with you and catch up, perhaps we can do lunch while you are out here". Nothing..

Friday he called me! It was so nice to hear his voice and that feeling I've had about him for the last 2 years came back, though I was still bummed about him getting married. We talked for a bit then I mentioned the marriage and he said it was off. That a few days after he proposed, she just stopped talking to him. Wouldn't return his calls and other stuff. Weird right? He said he thinks it's because she is 44 and has a grown child, she doesn't want to raise anymore. WHAT? Umm.. why not think about that before you say yes to a marriage proposal. (his daughter is 8)

So, he is coming to town next week or the week after and promised to call me so we can get together. He hasn't seen me since I've lost weight (though I did post the weight loss picture on facebook and he told me that I looked great :) ) and honestly? I'm hoping that something is there between us. I've thought about him day in and day out since the day we met. We have a lot in common and enjoy the time we spend together. I'm hoping what is HER loss, will be my gain. And YES, I would move to California to be with him and his daughter if I had too, though I don't particularly want to live in Ca again, I would for him...

Send out positive thoughts to the Universe for us, please. Yes, I would marry this guy, yes I can see me spending the rest of my life with him, yes it's that serious on my end. And yes, he likes older women, he had a bad experience with one and said that after he met me, he decided that staying away from older women wasn't for him and realized that we were not all like the bad experience one..I'm pretty sure I've told you all about him before cause right now I'm having deju vu!

And my madness? Doesn't seem to scare him at all. Score.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Migraines and more

This morning I woke up and no migraine. Took my imuder (long acting nitro) and was doing dishes and BAM! It hit me like a ton of bricks! So, apparently it's the imuder causing the migraines.

I'm going to call the doctor tomorrow and see if we can lower the dosage or give me something for the migraine. Percocets don't work on them nor does valium. They are rendering me literally completely useless.

Weighing the odds - Chest pains and possible heart attack or migraines. Neither is a very good choice, but I will take the migraines over the other.

Tonight, ran into a lady from Church and I mentioned the migraines, she pulled out this small bottle of something called MG, which has basil, lavender, peppermint and some other ingredients, told me to take a small smell and put some on my pulse points and wow, right now my head still hurts, but NOTHING like it was prior to that little bottle. She gets it from a friend and it's just a small bottle that costs 20$ or so. I may have to splurge on it, I prefer holistic treatment rather than having to take another pill (I already take at least 20 types of pills a day, mostly different vitamins which takes me like an hour to take cause of my little stomach and really would prefer to not take anymore pills)

Anyone have any other type of holistic/natural ways to rid ones self of a migraine?

Having steamed clams for dinner, yum! They come in a box, you pop them in the microwave and they steam! I got them from Trader Joes, there's quite a few in there that the boy and I can share a box and I'll be full (he on the other hand is never full) and the cost of this box is only 4.29$ add some veggies to that and we can eat dinner for probably a total of 7$. Not bad for a good meal!



Every so often, Joe in and around Vegas makes me my Wordle and sends it to me. I love these things, I think they are pretty cool. I can usually make mine, but I've yet to figure out how to save it like Joe does, so I just wait for him to send me one here and there!

Thanks again Joe!!

Saturday, September 12, 2009


I was looking through my sister Tracie's facebook pictures. For those that don't know, Tracie is my baby sister from my mother and stepfather. She's 23. Yep, a year and a half younger than my son!

Well, I am going to do something I thought I never would. I'm going to post a picture of me at my highest weight...taken at my sons wedding in August of 2008. Below it, is a picture of me and my daughter, taken at her graduation in June of this year. I look at the picture of me and my sister Tracie and I wonder, why did no one tell me how fat I was? And the picture of my daughter and I? I've since lost about another 30 pounds. I still have a ways to go... because I was sick and didn't know it (with my heart) I had no energy to even excersise and thus, I've got some skin that I am working on losing now. I work out in the pool nearly everyday now, have a nice tan going on (in both pictures I am very pale and you can see the bags under my eyes that I know longer have since my heart surgery), but so far no luck with the extra skin... I'm just going to keep at it though and hope that most of it begins to go away, though I am pretty resigned to the fact that I will probably need at least a tummy tuck. Also, for some reason I allowed my stupid sister (not the one in the picture) to cut my hair real short before the wedding and really? Fat people should not have short hair - at least this fat person. Now my hair is longer, even longer than in the second picture.

So without further ado...and I can't believe I am doing this but here's me one month before my lap band surgery and then there's me 9 months after my surgery. I was gross and honestly, when I look in the mirror I still see a very fat me, even though I'm down almost 130 pounds since the first picture was taken.. And please, no mean comments. I see now how gross I was (I suppose I was in complete denial thinking I looked good and was all that - and pow - I did NOT look good and I am STILL not all that!)a part of me still feels that gross, so I don't need anyone here beating me up about it, I do a good job all on my own...

Little sister Tracie and I... August 2008

Daughter and I... June 2009

Monday, September 7, 2009

My Own Food...

I suppose I should address this, cause I think I might be the only one who does this.

I was having a conversation with my daughter today as we worked out in the pool and she said, you know mom you're the only parent I know who buys food just for them. I asked what she meant and she said, she goes to peoples homes and says, "what can't I eat" and they look at her weird, telling her she can eat whatever she wants.

I told her, blame her grandfather and grandmother (my stepmother) for that because thats what they did to me and I guess I picked it up - but also, in the last year since my surgery, there's only certain things I can eat and keep down.

Is it weird that I buy food for me? It's not like I don't buy food for them, cause I do. Snack foods mostly, plus since she doesn't eat meat I buy her certain foods for just her. Now, the boy is different, he eats everything and anything, including the stuff I buy for me, even when I tell him, thats for me. He gets plenty of snack foods, cause I know he is hungry when he comes home from school, but he also eats a months worth of food in a week! He is now my height, 5'8 and weighs 180 pounds, but there's not an ounce of fat on this kid, he's going to be this tall muscular kid soon.

So, am I the only one who buys food that's just for me or are there others out there like that?

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Admitting it...

The boy finally admitted that he ate the clam chowder. How fucking stupid is this to lie about?

"I knew you would get mad at me for eating it" is what he says. WHAT??

"What part of I dont CARE about the clam chowder, I care about the lying, are you not understanding here" I say to him.

"I know how you get when I eat your food" is the reply.

Yes, I have my own food. As does he. It's suppose to last the month, but his usually last less than a week. There are certain things I cannot eat and certain things I can, when I find something I can keep down, I get it for me. I only eat maybe one meal a day and have even been known to go a few days without eating.. either because I'm not hungry or too busy to eat and forget. Hell, my stomach is only 4 oz big so not being hungry is not something unusual for me, though I try to eat something each day to get nourishment at least...

I still don't care about the can of soup. I just don't understand why this child felt it so necessary to lie to me about it. Do I really get THAT angry at him when he eats something he knows is for me? I don't know, I suppose I need to look at that?

At least he finally admitted it...


Saturday, September 5, 2009

Clam Chowder

I bought 4 cans of clam chowder. 2 for me and 2 for the boy. I ate one last week. He finished both of his within a day or so, cause he's like that.

I went to the cabinet to heat a can up for me a bit ago and it was gone. I asked him why he ate my can and he denies it.

There is NO one else in this house. Him and I only. He vehemently denies eating it. I find a fresh empty can of clam chowder and show it to him and he keeps saying he didn't eat it. I show him the bowl in the sink that has clam chowder in it and he denies it. WTF?

I don't give a rats ass about the clam chowder, though I was disappointed because Id been thinking about it and wanted it...

I'm PISSED that he continues to lie to me about it. I ask him if there was anyone in the house last night while I was gone he says no. He can no longer blame his sister, she isn't here. He ate the damn can of soup and instead of admitting it he is in his room raging at me because I have now grounded him for LYING. HE thinks its because I think he ate the soup and isn't understanding it's because he LIED about it.

I can't take much more of this. Lying because he ate a damn can of clam chowder.

Friday, September 4, 2009


I'm so use to going to him with things both good and bad. I'm use to telling him things and listening to his well meant but sometimes brutal advice.

I can't do that anymore. I can't stress him out with my stuff. I'm okay with that. But now I stress out about him and when I voice my concern about anything, I get chewed out by nearly everyone.

Example. Today I took my daughter to try and get her drivers license. Woke up at 7am (and if you know me at all you know that I am NOT a morning person) picked her up at Dads. She's afraid to drive my jeep, its too big for her she says so we took his Toyota. I couldn't figure out why she was having such a time with the brakes (I let her drive to one of the DMVs) and was trying to tell her to go easy on them...

The first DMV was way to busy and no parking places so I got behind the wheel to take us to a different one and found out why she was having such trouble with the brakes. THEY ARE GOING OUT! I know a bit about cars so this had me concerned.

We get to the other DMV and we find out that his license plates have been suspended since August 26th. WTF? Clearly an insurance error, but the child couldn't take the test in that car so we headed back to Dads.

Oh and let me explain this. The half an artificial heart implanted in him also comes with this wire that comes out of his stomach and attaches to these HUGE batteries that only last 4 hours, so he has to carry extras with him wherever he goes, but also he is not allowed to get any of that wet (making it difficult to take showers and be outside when it rains)...

After we drop his car back off and I explain to my stepmother that the brakes are bad, she tells me that she thought so but since she doesn't know anything about cars she let it go.. okay understandable... but I don't want my father or my kid in that car, plus - when my daughter hit some water turning right, the tires slid which tells me that the tires tread isn't up to par...

My aunt took Dad to the Lab to get some blood work done and I came home after a brief workout in the pool. As I'm watching TV they broadcast a severe thunderstorm warning for us. I call my father and ask him if he is home yet he says no, they are now eating lunch out. I tell him about the rain coming and he assures me that they will wait at the restaurant till it stops...

20 minutes later it's pouring down here. I call again, making sure he is okay and find he is in the car. I don't know what car, I ask "In the Toyota?" he mumbles something to me that sounded like yes and I said Dad, the brakes are bad and it's pouring rain please tell whoever is driving (I didn't know it was my aunt or stepmother) to be careful. The next thing I know my aunt is on the phone with me yelling at me not to tell my father what is wrong with the car.

WTF? I can't do anything right, obviously. A week ago my stepmother kicked me out of the house because I was yelling at my sister for trying to steal my xanex from me and I caught her in the act... and this bitch that lives in the complex of my fathers, LOCKED ME OUT OF MY FAMILIES HOUSE! I'm told she was reamed for it, told she wasn't family and I was and that she needs to stay out of it and I'm told that my stepmother also reamed my sister for trying to steal from me AGAIN.. but still I am always the bad guy it seems.

I worry about my father and express it and get reamed. I stay away from the family so as not to get reamed and get reamed.

I can't win for fucking losing.

I must leave this town, leave this negativity soon or I don't know what I'm going to do. I no longer speak to my sister, if you remember last year at my boys wedding she broke into my hotel room and stole a full bottle of Valium (which I had just refilled and usually lasts me about 3 months) and I stopped speaking to her for 4 months till she said she was getting clean and sober - which she didn't do. The Friday before the incident in my house, she was smoking pot in front of my boy. I don't smoke pot, well about at his age I did for a few months but never liked it and he's not exposed to it at home, but she's never hidden the fact that she does and lets just say that and the stealing from me, is the last straw. I'm done. I was told she was going to move down to Tucson but now I hear she is staying in Vegas, so life here will be difficult at best, between her and now my aunt and as always my stepmother...

Fuck. I'm 45 years old. When does this end?

When I get out of Vegas I bet. Just like it did when I was gone before.

That's got to be the plan. Leave. Just a matter of where, when and how. Mostly where. The when will have to wait till the boy graduates Junior High next June and the how should be okay when I get my settlement from my car accident before then...

Anyone have any suggestions? Beach and snow that's what I look for.


Thursday, September 3, 2009

My daughter, my son.

My daughter, my pride and joy, the one who has seemingly come out of being my child unscathed, moved out. Last week. I'm very sad, hurt and angry about it. She didn't move far, only about 4 blocks away to my fathers. Yes, my fathers.

Dad's been in Phx for the past year and has finally returned home after receiving half an artificial heart. She wasted no time. She lied, told him that I was ok with it and when he hit me with it I was in shock. SHE didn't want to tell me because she knew that I wanted her here with me for one more year and clearly knew what my response would be.

I said some very mean things to her, as I lashed out in my own pain and fear of losing her. While she is my flesh and blood, she holds no grudges and when I calmed down enough for her and I to speak, she told me she loved me and I was able to tell her I loved her back.

I'm not afraid to be alone and I'm not alone right now, since my baby still lives with me. But for some reason I felt rejected and hated. HOW after raising her all alone for 18 years, could she just leave me like that? But that's not what she was doing. She wasn't leaving me, she's spreading her wings. Better she go live with her grandfather and not have to worry about a ton of bills and other things, than off on her own where she must pay bills and work and go to college. It took me a couple days to accept that, though I have told her more than once I want her to come home I'm no longer so angry at her. I miss her.

It's now just me and my 13 year old boy. It's not easy. There's no buffer here anymore and he's an angry kid, which often is directed to me as I try to parent him. His rages frighten me most of the time. I'm slowly learning to deal with it the best I know how and can only hope that as he matures he will see that I do what I do because I love him. As I wrote in my essay for Violence Unsilenced, "is it too late" for this child? I hope not. He isn't a "bad" kid, he simply has no self control over his anger and he rages against authority. I am putting him back on vyvanse, medication that helps with ADHD children, of which he is one. And I think I may put us both in therapy though he has told me more than once that he will not speak. If nothing else, perhaps it will help ME to learn how to deal with him in a way I don't know of right now.

That's all for now from the fast lane. Life seems so bleak as I sit here... there seems to be no end in sight, no light at the end of the tunnel.. but I think I will just keep looking for it.


Tuesday, September 1, 2009

See that sign on the right of my blog?

The one called, Violence Unsilenced? See it? Over there? Not hard to miss. Have you ever wondered why I have it there?

I was a battered woman. I have what is called, Battered Woman Syndrome. It is quite possible that that is the main reason I do not do relationships well, a trust issue perhaps, though who knows since I never went into therapy for it. Writing was my therapy, always. Anger is my lifeline these days. As my life begins to crumble in ways I seemingly have no control over, anger keeps me alive, lets me know I am alive.

Sept 3rd, my story will be out there for all to see. I'm not afraid or ashamed anymore, but I am still angry. I have a loathing for people that is unmistakable and unbearable at times, though most tell me and others I am the nicest person they know... but if you do not know me, I come off as aloof, standoffish and often defensive. If I let you into my life, beyond the circle of boundaries that I have, its because I have watched you closely for a long time and if you screw up, I'm gone and done with you.

If I dont know you and you screw up, I am angry and it shows. If you dont know me, you are afraid of me. I am tough, strong, angry and pissed off at the world and it shows. If you don't know me you ask people that do know me and like me, how they can like me. They will tell you I am a giving, caring and loving person... but if you dont know me, you dont see that.

I dont mean to sound like Im the best there is, but few people are allowed into my world, my real world, not my blog world. I have few friends and then there are those that want to be my friend. Those people I look at, I watch and I wonder, why in the world do they want to be friends with me. I'm nothing special. Im a failure at nearly everything I do and I can be a shitty friend, losing touch with those that have been allowed into my life.. that is how "I" see me.

I use to pride myself on the self control I had around those that are idiots. Now, not so much. I dont hide my loathing well, perhaps that is because I am 45 years old now and simply to not wish to play the game. And sometimes, I honestly believe that those I love would be better off without me.

There's more, but its painful new things that have happened that I just do not want to share right now. When the pain begins to subside, I may be able to put the words to paper. For now, I will leave it at this.

So, Sept 3rd, please go to the link on the right and read my story, maybe you will gain some insight into why I am so angry, why I am so hard to get to know and why you must be so very special if I call you friend.