Thursday, April 30, 2009

Another Frugal Mommy Giveaway

You know the drill... go visit Frugal Mommy and check out all her giveaways.

This one is awesome. Designer Clipboards, but also some other awesomeness as well.. My favorite from her site is Shabby Chic Pretty in Pink Girl Room Decor again a perfect item for my upcoming granddaughter!

Check out both sites!

Another Frugal Mommy Giveaway

Check out Frugal Mommy of Two and the dress that she is giving away. A beautiful purple polka dot and flowers, handmade by Two Girls and a Mom this dress will look so pretty on my granddaughter... of course I have to wait a few years since she isn't even born yet, shut up, I can start stocking up now for when she is a toddler.

Don't forget to check out Frugal Mommys site AND Two Girls and a Mom's site~

Win a 250$ Visa Gift Card!

Therapeutic(Ad-Free) along with Capri Sun, is giving away a 250$ Visa Gift Card.

Who COULDN'T use this? I know, right? But I'm only blogging it here so that I get an extra entry, not so that you can enter the contest and win instead of me. Ok. I lied. Enter the contest, but if you win, I don't want your first born (I can't feed the ones I have now), just give me a shout out and maybe someone will take pity on me and send me a gift card too!


Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Mommy world contest

Mommy World is having a fantastic giveaway. Vibrant bibs and other items, though my favorite is the hugmeloveme little pillow, SO cute and so perfect for my grandbaby!

Go over and check out Mommy World and enter her contest!

DKMommy contest

What awesome products that DK Mommy is offering for a giveaway. The products are all organic, which I use in nearly everything I eat and use on my body.

Check out her great giveaway, or don't :) better chance for me to win!!

Check out the incredible organic products and join to win!

Frugal mommy giveaway

Frugal Mommy of Two is having an awesome giveaway of a beautiful dress by Hopescotch Designs They have the cutest clothes!!

My favorite is and I SO hope I win it, for my granddaughter OF COURSE!

Check out Frugal Mommys other contests too!

Now what baby contest

Now What baby is having some great giveaways. I just LOVE the pink backpack, which would go perfect for my DIL and my first grandchild! They are by Barn Dandys.
The next giveaway are onsies. I LOVE the girl personalized onsie and would love to give this to my new grandbaby too! Made by Dlybug... SO CUTE!
The next giveaway from Now What baby are educational toys. My favorite one is Fishy Fascination. It's so cute and would provide loads of fun for my granddaughter. Fun and Function makes these awesome toys!
Manuella makes all different items, but my favorite is the pink striped hat and booties!
Last but not least, Skeanie makes various shoes. My favorites are the Luxurious Cream Boots. They would look SO cute on my grandaughters feet!

Go check out Now what Baby and enter their contests! Or don't, since that will give me more chance to win!

My beautiful daughter

Senior Prom April, 2009

Thursday, April 23, 2009

I'm WHAT???

The girl called me a Cougar. Ha!

My neighbor moved back into the house he lived in when I first moved into my house. He's adorable and sweet. We will call him Tattoo guy for now. He's 30. He's been married twice neither worked out at all.

So the other night he invited me over for a drink. Milk please! Sometime during the night we made out. Yum. He's 14 years younger than me. I know, right! Can you say, YUMMY!!

I don't know about having a relationship with him, but I'd sure like to make out with him again. I felt so young...

However, like Tim, he doesn't usually like heavy women, but unlike Tim, he said he was fascinated with me and doesn't mind my weight. Nice, right?

He's coming over later to fix my vacuum since it all of the sudden DIED! I finally decide to clean my house and the stupid thing dies.

Maybe I am a cougar. I do like younger men. Though 30 is the youngest I've ever been with. And he is only 5 years older than my son...

But hey, if my beloved gram while she was alive could be with someone 20 years younger than her (he was my fathers age)then so I can. After all, I always wanted to be like her. Bah.


Mommy World and her contest

Mommy world is having an wonderful giveaway! Baby stuff, vibrate baby receiving blankets and much more.

I just love the burpie4all product, but I'd love anything from them. Trying to colleect things for my upcoming granddaughter! Who btw they've already changed her name :( It's SO cute. I can't wait till she is here...

SO, don't forget to go to Mommy World and see the fabulous baby stuff she has!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

I think I need to calarify...

New dude. First I'm sick of calling him new dude, besides there might come a time when a newer dude comes into my life... so, it's time to give new dude a name...

I'll call him Timmy, since that is his name. Heh.

New dude and I are just friends, noting more, nothng less. And I am the one that is keeping to my guns. He drinks to much, he gets high to much and when he drinks Rum... he is terribly mean to me, to which first I ask him why, without a coherent reply and then I walk away.. Which makes him more mad. I refuse to engage with him when he is like that.

Last night he came unglue on me. Told me to leave him at the bar. Since I'm not drinking, of course I drive (oh yeah, it couldn't be that he doesn't have a car.

So, first think I asked was, are you sure? How will you get home. "I'll walk"... so, I quietly with no scene made (I'm not big on making scense, ESPECIALLY in a bar where there are people, people who's business is NOT what is going on with me and Tim.

I got into the care an noticed that he has left is cigerttes in the car.. So I walked in and I heard "Oh here we go" He honestly I was going to make a scene, so I took them into him and all of the sudden he said, "oh here we go" much to his surprise, I said nothing, laid his cigerattes on the bar next to him and walked away. Then I drove home.

See, he can drink beed all day long and then he becomes cuddling. But rum, sets him off pretty bad.

He did apologise today, but next time... I'm done. If he drinkng Rum, I'll just leave.

I live with chronic pain.

There is said it.

I'm a wuss. Yep, I said it.

I never broke a bone in my body till I was 40 years old. Of all the stupid things I did and not one broken bone. But I've made up for it with this one break. I am in chronic pain and I am NOT happy about it.

My granddaughters name has already changed!`

OY VEY!!!!

They've changed her name already! Wonder how many times this will happy.

She will now be called Ruby Nova. I don't think I'm fond of the name, but I love her already.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

The Meaning of Nova

a nova is a star that releases a tremendous burst of energy, becoming temporarily extraordinarily bright.

How perfect!

It's a girl!!!!

I just received an email from my oldest son, my DIL and him are having a girl!

I'm going to have a granddaughter!! WOOHOOO!!!!!!!

Her name is Nova.. Now, to talk him into giving her the middle name of Katherine, which is my middle name and his great great grandmothers first name... Though my daughter thinks her middle name should be Sky...

Nope. I'm insisting on Katherine.

I'm so tickled!

Sunday, April 19, 2009


Dad is in the hospital again. He has blood in his poop. He told me that he was bleeding from the bottom, not a subject I guess he is comfortable talking about around me, cause I said, IN YOUR POOP? And he hesitated than said, yes... ha, leave it to me to break the ice, so to speak.

Thankfully, not his heart. Doctor says that he should be just fine, that around the colon there are tiny vessels that bleed and so, they are doing a colonostopy (spelling?) tomorrow and can zap them shut while in there, if that is what it is. It's not the hemorrhoids (yep, I asked if he had those, I'm just open like that!) After a few minutes discussion, he didn't sound so uncomfortable, so way to go me! Talking about blood in his poop is, I'm sure, not a conversation he wanted to have with his daughter, but me having no fear in discussing anything just brought him along in the conversation.

The girl came into my room earlier this morning and said, Mom. I just rolled over and looked at her and said, "What did you do?" (I'm just good like that, can tell from her tone she had something to tell me that she figured I'd be angry about)

Girl:"I need to tell you something but I'm afraid you'll get mad"
Me: "What did you do?" (sitting up now)
Girl:"I went to that concert last night but it wasn't a concert"
Me: (sitting completely up now)"What was it?"
Girl: "A rave"
Me: (Now completely alert and just a little upset but hiding it)"A rave? Did you do drugs or drink?"
Girl: "No"
Girl:"I didn't leave my water anywhere either and when I did, I got a new one."
Me:(more relaxed now)"Ok"
Girl:"Will you let me go again, Mom? Don't you trust me?"
Me: "I trust you, it's others I don't trust and I'll have to think about letting you go again. You should have texted me as soon as you realized what it was, so I could make the decision last night."
Girl: "Well, I was home at 11"
Me: "Yeah, so probably I'd let you go again."
This is an 18 year old girl, who's never smoked a cigarette, never done drugs, never has had sex... this is a GOOD 18 year old girl, unlike me at her age. I was already 2 years in a relationship with the man who would eventually become my husband, then my ex husband, but at 18 he had cheated on me and I moved to Hawaii (Maui) for nearly a year, then came back only to move to Texas with him and got pregnant then married. She is so not like me. I think I did a good job with her, as opposed to the job I'm doing with the boy - I just don't know how to raise a boy... especially one as wild as mine.

Oh and apparently, a buff good looking guy came up to her and said, I like the way you look, I'm a chubby chaser. HA! This kid of mine isn't fat, but has a little bit of chunk in the waist area. I laughed, while saying... "was he kind of short?" Yep, about her height which is 5'7. I had to laugh again, cause it seems short men (who neither of us particularly are attracted to, though new dude is my height and I think he is good looking) most always like chubs or women who are heavy set. But, I told her to hold out hope, because both Glen and Matt are over 6' and both like women who are heavier, as opposed to small skinny women. Even though this guy said he is a chubby chaser and while it's kind of rude, we looked on the other side, the shiny side and decided that she should take it as a compliment, which put a big smile on her face. I asked if she gave him her number and she looked at me and said, Mom, I don't give my number out to guys I just meet. I'm so proud of her! She really has her head on straight when it comes to the opposite sex. Not like most girls who are her age or she hangs out with, all seem to be really boy crazy and are sexually active.. She is more of a leader than a follower...

Now if only I could figure out how to change the path I see the boy going down, all will be perfect in the family part of life. Dad says he needs to be in more organized sports, so tomorrow I am calling the baseball guy and see when the next club ball starts and get this boy of mine back into baseball (he won't play little league anymore and I don't blame him since the coaches all suck).

On another note. We finally figured out why we (new dude and I) are always getting sick after hanging out with each other. We spend most of the time in his room (he rents a room from a "common house")... his landlord and him found black mold in the air conditioning vent. Which blows on us all night long and explains his cough and my chest always heavy. Plus, when I sleep there, I'm both cold and sweating constantly. I spent the night there (and no, we do not have sex, but we do cuddle in bed)and at 8am I got up said I needed to go home. I was SO cold and today, I don't feel so good - so, I'm pretty sure it's the a/c. We don't hang out here at my house because the kids mostly and my house isn't very clean right now (because it takes me days to recuperate after being with him most of the weekend)... but this week is housecleaning week, Spring cleaning! He's doing the girls hair on Saturday for prom (btw, she got a new date!) so hopefully we will just hang out here Saturday night instead of his place.

Just a bunch of rambling thoughts in my head that I thought I would put out there. Boring I know, but right now, my life is boring. Don't say I didn't warn you the other day when I said I was bored with my life - though now I see why... IT IS BORING!!

Oh and I met the new dudes ex girlfriend. I wasn't impressed. And she apparently told him that I was a bitch to her. Just because I wasn't all smiling and making small talk with her, which she did her best to do with me and all I could do is nod my head (with a smile on my face) to her, I'm a bitch. Bummer. He told her that I wasn't a bitch, but a sweetheart. I then asked him how old she was, because she looked like she was older than me and it turns out she is nearly 10 years younger than me! I was surprised. And she thought I was closer to her age and was surprised when he told her I was coming up on 45 (which is older than both of them)so that made me feel good!

Enough of the rambling. Hope everyone is having a good Sunday!


Friday, April 17, 2009


I am such a snob when it comes to makeup. The only shadow I will use is MAC, however, I couldn't pass up a deal like this...

E.L.F. is having a HUGE sale. Apparently Nordstrom or some big name bought them out and will be changing the packaging, thus this big sale. Nearly every item is 1.00$ to 3.00$ which is amazing! Also, if you put CAROLINA into the coupon part during check out you get an additional 7.50$ off your order. (which basically pays for the shipping cost of 6.95$ and some change)

While I didn't order any eyeshadow, I did get a few things of lipstick and eyeliner, saving a ton of money for sure. Once I get the stuff, I'll be able to decide if I want to order more of it... can't beat the prices, check it out!


Thursday, April 16, 2009

Frugal mommy giveaway

I LOVE this website Preserve and the products they offer, though my favorite is Preserve Cutting Boards, "Uniquely curved handle for easy food transfer. Knife-friendly and dishwasher-safe. Made from 100% recycled plastic and recyclable in communities with #5 recycling."

Frugal mommy of two is having a great giveaway on her site, Frugal Mommy of Two Some really cool vibrant mixing bowls, that are made from 100% recycled plastic. How cool is that! I know, I thought so too!

Check her out and while your at it, check out Preserves site too!

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

So yeah....

I'm laying in bed, sick AGAIN. I'm trying to figure out why I keep getting sick. I take all my vitamins, everyday. I take a lot of vitamins, cause I don't eat very well, averaging maybe a meal a day, though I skip eating for days at a time sometimes, mostly because I don't hold things down well, since the surgery or I'm simply just not hungry, an after effect of the surgery as well. I'm told not to skip meals, but when all you do is puke whatever you've eaten back up, it's hard not to skip meals...

So, I realize by laying here, that I'm bored. Bored with my life, bored with what's going on around me, bored of the new dude, just bored. BORED.

I'm bored with my blog, bored with reading others blogs, just really really bored.

What can I do about this? I haven't a clue. There are things that need to be done, like cleaning my house, sending off the winnings from Monday Giveaway, cooking for the kids... there's far more to be done than that, but those are pretty much top of my list..

I'm bored with being sick all the time, yet not sure how to stop that. Just plain bored bored bored.

My life is sprialing down before my bored eyes. I don't know how to stop it. I can't find the means to make a change, why bother?

So, bloggyland bloggers, do tell me. Have you found yourself like me? Bored with everything? Laying around doing nothing, other than going into crisis mode when there's something wrong with the family... have you ever found yourself completely and utterly.. BORED?

And if so, what did you do to change it? Tell me. Give me some suggestions, please. Seriously. Tell me if you have been bored in your life and what you've done to get out of that funk.



Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Oy Vey. *smackes her forehead*

First, I've kinda been gone for a few days. Sick again and some family stuff going on, I've gone MIA. Not quite sure if I am even back, however, my old real life friend (old as in long time real life friend, not as in old person!) Solanaceae at Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc,has tagged me with this

like you all really want to know 10 more things about me!

I think I am supposed to tag others with it. So, if you're reading this, consider yourself tagged cause I'm cheating (and remember this is an honesty meme!).. but I will share 10 honest things about me...

1) I have very blue eyes, but sometimes, I wear blue contacts to make them a different color blue.

2) I'll be 45 in August, but gratefully, don't think I look it.

3) I've lost nearly 80 pounds since Sept and while others think I look good, I still see myself as "fat".

4) I'm going to be a grandma in Oct. And I am VERY excited about this!

5) I was born blond, yet I put blond highlights in my hair.

6) I'm tired of being single and alone, but I push through each day, knowing that when the time is right, I will no longer be alone and single.

7) I enjoy mindless, boring, mind numbing stupid reality shows, so I don't have to think about what is going on in the world and yes, sometimes my life... yet..

8) I also am a news junkie. So, watching mind numbing stupid reality shows balances it out, allows me to forget some of the horrors I've been focusing on with the news shows. (yeah I know it's all in my mind, but it makes me happy, so shut up.)

9) I could throttle my kids on an almost daily basis, but I also can not get enough hugs and kisses and I love yous from them each and everyday.

10) More often than not, I'd rather not let anyone know anything about me, good or bad. But through blogging, I'm learning to completely open myself up to people I don't know, have never met in person and most times it feels really good.

Ok, there. Now, as I said before, if you're reading this, you're tagged (unless you've already done this one, than nevermind)And, I'll know if you read this and don't do it! Yes, I have that power, I am the all mighty Lea! Ok, so I might NOT know, but really? I do know most of you that read this... Big smiles! Lights, camera.. ACTION!

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Blast from the past, part 2.

*apologies to those that read this before. I fixed the spelling on it 6 times and for some reason it never took! It hurt MY eyes to read it each time with the misspelled words, I can't imagine how it felt for others! I believe it's been fixed now. Bah.*

My mother came out one more time after that, to "check" on me, but really to make sure the house was still clean (it wasn't) there was food in it (there wasn't), the kids were clean (they were, somehow it got through to me on that aspect)... and blah blah blah...

A few months went by. I was still in the midst of my breakdown, full force of it. The girl was in school, the boy to young to care about anything other than what kids that age care about and the year now.. 1997. (and I think I got the year wrong in my earlier post, I think the year was actually 1996, not 1995) He was nearing three. I was completely over the edge of insanity, spending an enormous time online (AOL back then)and not doing what one who has two young children should be doing, or what society says we should be doing. Mother never came out again. Dad came over often, usually bringing food. My savings had pretty much diminished, having spent a good portion of it on tuition for school that I never finished up, after all was said and done.

I woke up one morning and just couldn't do it anymore. I had about 600$ in savings, maybe. I began to pack my stuff not knowing where I was going, only knowing that I had to leave Vegas. The girl was in school and I really didn't want to take her out, not sure where we were going, so I finally relented and called Dad who of course took her for me. She was to stay only long enough to finish out school and for me to find us a place to live and a job that would take care of us all.

I packed a few things into a uhaul, sold all my appliances, my home went into foreclosure and the boy and I were off. I only knew I was going east.(one day I will tell the story of moving cross country with 400$, more than once!)A friend of mine, who I'd met real time said, Come here! Just outside of Pittsburgh, Pa. Telling me that the boy and I could stay there till I found a job and a place to live. She failed to check with her husband though. It took me about 6 days to get there, only to find out that he did not want us staying there. I was shook to my core. Already unbalanced and fragile, what was I to do?

We stayed there 5 days and I borrowed money from him, giving him the carat diamond ring I had designed and had made as collateral. I was also pretty pissed at her...but still needed her, unfortunately. I found a small one bedroom apt, in the basement of a house that sat on the same plot of land as a morgue/mortuary, in a town of less than 200 people. The day we moved in, everyone knew of us. I managed to get a job in a small tavern and loved it. My friend babysat for me and promptly fell in love with the boy. That Christmas, a few months after moving in, when I would come home from work, I'd find different things on the porch, 2 Christmas trees, presents, food - it was surreal. My job at the tavern didn't pay enough for us to have any of that and while I was looking for a new job, one wasn't coming quick enough.

Oh, let me back up a bit.. I had never been in the snow.. not when it fell out of the sky at least. Sure I'd been around snow before, but never had I lived anywhere that it actually snowed. Before the first snowfall, the tavern owners girlfriend asked me if we had warm jackets. I, coming from the desert, said no. To which she replied, well, we need to get you some as it is going to snow. Now, mind you, I am still in my depressed state and not thinking real clearly.. a voice I recognize as my own says to her "from the sky?" after a fit of hysterical laughing, she shook her head yes. Duh! (there is an article written about me by a smalltime columnist in the local paper, titled, Snow comes from the sky. If I can get it scanned or if I feel up to it, I'll post it here, though there are some exaggerations in it, it's almost accurate and pretty funny). So, we lived through our first snowstorm (and many more!).

I became increasingly restless in that little town though to this day, I love small towns. My car had broken down and through someone I met online, I was offered a car, but had to go to Maine for it. I asked my friend if she would watch the boy and she said yes... but she was becoming more and more attached to the boy (at the time, she could not get pregnant and wanted a child very much) and her attachment had begun to scare me. She started dropping hints about taking him for good from me. Bringing up adoption and things of that nature, but there was no one else to watch him the few days it would take me to take a train, than a bus to Maine and drive the car back. I was gone 5 days. On my third day, driving back to Pa, I stopped and stayed in a hotel. That night I called her to let her know that I was taking my time getting back, that it would be a few days before I got back, as I was pushing myself and felt I needed to take more time and not drive so much. She promptly told me not to come back and that she was taking the boy.

Needless to say, I freaked out. Still not in my right mind, it never occurred to me that she couldn't just "take" him, though she claimed I had abandoned him. I drove as fast and long as I could and was there within 2 days after that phone call. I took him and told her that we were done. I took more time off work to find a sitter and placed him in a home daycare that I really wasn't comfortable with, but felt like I had no choice.

Money was saved and I complained about the situation and worried about the boy at daycare, plus I paid "the friends" husband back and got my ring back. Then I was invited to come to Va, Lynchburg to be exact and stay with another woman I had met online (but never in person, as I had the Pa friend)....

In the dead of the night, about 8 months after arriving in Pa, with the help of a couple of men I had met,we packed up another uhaul, put the car on a tow bed and stealthed out heading to Va. I had no idea what was in store for me, just that I felt pressured to get the hell out of there before she could cause permanent damage to my family that wasn't even whole as it was...

To be continued...

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

I'm not a mommy blogger

Which makes it all the more odd, my reaction to the loss of a little girl. Perhaps it's because I'm a mommy that I've had this reaction. Sure I talk about my kids here, but mostly? I talk about me. I'm narcissitic like that.

But I've been overwhelmed today with the death of this little girl Remembering Maddie to the point that I have sucked all the knowledge of her and her parents from the internet all day long.

We all know my sleeping patterns which suck and of course I was awake all night and have been again for most of the day, yet I couldn't pry myself away from the computer long enough to DO anything, like clean my house today. I took a short nap, only to wake up obsessed with finding out more about the little girl who's touched the world.

Send her mommy and daddy prayers, would'cha please?

They need it.


I'd never heard of her

I'd never met her, in fact, I've never even read her mothers blog (I would link it here, but there's been so much traffic to it today that the server couldn't handle it and thus it is not working)

I didn't know she was sick. Not until this morning when it hit the blogworld like a firecracker attached to gasoline on a dry and dusty mountain, it spread like wildfire.

That doesn't mean my heart doesn't go out to little Maddies mother and father. I'm human and how could I NOT hurt at the mention of the death of a little girl, not even yet 2.

How could I NOT look at my 18 year old daughter a little longer today as I spoke to her in her doorway. How could I NOT want to call my son and ask him to come home, just so I could hug him...

I've been blessed in my life with healthy babies that turned into healthy children and are on their journeys to being healthy adults (fingers crossed). We've never even had a major thing happen to us, a few stitches here and there for the boy, a broken foot for me at the age of 40 (my first bone ever broke!) homeless a couple of times, starting over more than once, but still,how can I hurt for the loss of this little girl?

I hurt for her mother, who will never be able to take her shopping for a prom dress, or her father who will never get to worry about her dating, while bringing out the shotgun so her dates can see. Her grandparents who will never have the opportunity to spoil her and for the world who will never be graced again with her infectious smile.

Rest well now little Maddie. You've touched the world and I have a feeling you will continue to touch the world for a long time coming.

I will post the link to her mother and fathers site when it is up and running again, in the meantime, you can read more about Maddie here Headless Family. You can also donate to the March of Dimes in her name on the widget there at this site. The family has asked in lieu of flowers, donations be sent to March of Dimes.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

2 1/2 weeks before prom...

The girl I have raised, is amazing. Sure I have raised her alone for 18 years, but I'm not quite sure I can take complete credit for her amazingness. I think that it's a mixture of nature and nurture, I think she simply has this incredible personality and was born that way.

She is well loved by many. Very popular at school, but not a cheerleading type popular. She wins awards for having the best personality, most spirited and other things.

She just is what she is and I am proud of her. Yes, in many ways she is like me and in the way of this story, she is most definetly like me.

She came home, excited one day to tell me that she had asked this guy that I'd heard about for a few weeks now, to the prom and he said yes. I hadn't met him but told her I would like to meet him before prom, for various reasons of course, but I did have one main agenda, to let him know MY rules for the prom. No after prom parties, no hotel rooms and I told her that I would entertain a limo ride down the strip after the prom.

On saturday we went and got her prom dress. On Saturday evening, she texted this "guy" and I use the word loosely and asked if he would like to hang out. I find out the next morning when she came in crying to me, that he had texted her back (though I think it was a girl that did it) "Don't text me again, I have a girlfriend". Ohh... I was pissed. That mother bear came out of me and I wanted to go run him over in the parking lot of the market he works at. HOW DARE HE DO THAT TO MY CHILD.

I held her till she could breathe. I told her that he was the asshole and that this was not a reflection on the person she is. She looked at me and said she didn't want to go to the prom. I told her that she should think about it before making that decision and she told me she would. I asked her what she did in response to the text message...

"I deleted it, then I deleted his number from my phone". Ha. She is so like me. Then she looked at me and asked me what I thought about her going to the prom without a date.

"I think that you should go" I told her, "Hold your head up high, with the grace and dignity you possess, go with your friends, dance, enjoy yourself and show him and everyone else that you are better than he is".

She is still going. I may have to take her and pick her up, which is fine. And I may have to have another pep talk with her and that too is fine, but she was all smiles today when we were at new dudes house and she was telling him exactly what she wanted done with her hair. She is at the mall right now picking out shoes for her dress. She is on spring break right now, so hasn't had to face him yet, but she has this week to get passed it. I've asked her if she has spoken to him and she says no and that she has no intention in speaking to him. I'm fairly certain she will stick to her guns. Like me, she is not one to stick around if someone doesn't want her around, a lesson that took me to my late 20's early 30's to learn and she is 18 and has learned this, amazing!

I think he was a coward in the way it was done and he should hope that he never comes face to face with me, as I will tell him what a coward he is. And I think she is the greatest kid in the world and have let her know each day.

How would you have handled it if you were in her place, what about mine if you were in my place? Seriously..


Yeah, I got suckered into buying it and then suckered into watching it last night..

What's it?

Twilight. Bah.

The girl has seen it 19 million times but wanted to lay in my bed and watch it with me, than got up and said I'm tired there's about 15 minutes left to watch, goodnight..


I didn't want to see it in the first place, but I can't pass up the opportunity to cuddle with my girl, something that happens rarely now that she is older. So, I did it and then ended up watching the end of it by myself!

The movie was awful. The acting sucked, the plot was bad... it just sucked all the way around, but maybe cause I'm an adult and not some hysterical girl who thinks that "Edward" is cute. Ick.

Still not feeling like myself. I'm beginning to think that this is the new normal for me. I don't hold food down well, if at all. I'm always cold, which new dude says is probably because I never eat, though I do eat, just not very much at all. My voice is all raspy and horsey with a cough that won't go away. I have very little energy to do much, my house is a mess and I'm totally disgusted with it. I take a ton of vitamins so one would think that I would have at least some energy. I've fallen behind in my email replies and feel like shit about that. I've just found 2 new/old friends (one I've written about, the other found me today)which is exciting, but I just don't seem to have the energy to catch up like I should especially with these two, both women and both who mean a lot to me.

I promised myself that I would close my eyes and try to sleep early last night and all of the sudden it was 3am and I didn't know what happened, only that I still had my eyes open and was wide awake. Up at 8am this morning, to take the girl to new dudes house, so he could cut her hair and do a trial mock up hair do for her prom (which reminds me, I must tell you about her prom "date" or the lack of one now and yes, new dude cuts hair, but doesn't have a license here in NV - he worked under Paul Mitchell for 8 years I think). I told the girl on the way to his house to watch him, cause new dude does a lot of sighing and ohhhh and ummm and stuff.. and it makes me laugh all the time. Then she cracked us both up cause she said, OMG my mother is hanging out with you too much because she sounds like that EVERY MORNING NOW and it makes me crazy! I guess in the mornings I've picked up this bad habit from him (though he does it all day and night) with the sighing and the uhhh and the ahhh and heavy breathing. I've caught myself doing it a few times since we got back home today, which is making me laugh and annoyed at myself all at the same time, but at least I realize I am doing it now so am working on NOT doing it, cause really - it's annoying when he does it constantly.

Ok, nap time. I know I shouldn't take a nap, but I'm so freaking tired my eyes are rolling in the back of my head. I plan on cleaning house tomorrow (key word, "plan", who knows if it will happen) I really want to go to the Mountain on Thursday, sit and "chillax", take some pictures and breathe some fresh air.. so many things I want to do and no energy to do it. Am going to talk to the doctor next time I go in for a weigh in. See if there is a vitamin I am not taking that may help me out... I take so many, including Prenatal ones since they are good for you, I can't imagine that I am missing any. I'll probably get harrassed about not eating 3 meals a day. I'm lucky if I eat one a day and keep it down.. I'm just not hungry, even though I know I should try to eat 3 small meals a day, just tired of throwing up all the time.


Monday, April 6, 2009

See what lack of sleep does to me?

I sound like I'm smoking crack... must be a contact high from the kittens...

New dude and I had a huge fight last night, we got over it, but I called him on something and he admitted it and got angry....

What did I call him on?

His struggle with me. He's use to dating (we aren't dating I know this)pretty, thin women, but he loves to be with me, around me, talk to me all that, but he struggles because of my weight. I've known this since the beginning, a feeling I had and I made the decision in the beginning that we were going to be only friends, good friends probably, which we are and I'm ok with that, but sometimes it seems he wants more but he can't get past my weight. (wonder what he would have thought 70 pounds ago?) He admitted it but that he doesn't want to lose me....

Whatever dude.

Men. They are probably smoking crack with my kittens.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Seriously? SERIOUSLY?

Because the Universe seems to want to play some odd and inhuman trick on me and do to me what I can do to myself all on my own.. (No not THAT, people.. minds out of the gutter)..

It's 430am and guess what..

Wait for it..





I believe I have dozed off a few times only to wake myself up in a coughing fit. I even put up my pillows in a way so I could sleep sitting up a little bit so I wouldn't cough, but that didn't help, I couldn't fall asleep! Now my day tomorrow will be shot to hell, since I'll probably sleep most of the day away as is my usual routine now.

You would think that as tired as I am... exhausted or sleep deprived is more like it..and I am tired, since I got up early early Saturday morning.. I'd just node off to sleep but instead I've somehow managed to have the TV on a station and I'm watching Power Rangers, MPG "MPG ACTIVATE!" Well, not exactly watching it, but it's the noise in the background just below the sound of the last 2 kittens running back and forth in my bedroom like they just smoked some crack and must continuously run around, because we all know that it's a waste of crack, not to mention the money they must have spent (hopefully it didn't come from my wallet)...just a waste if they would lay down and go to sleep. But I can totally see these kittens smoking crack then running around screaming "MPG ACTIVATE" and their little colorful outfits appear on them out of no where and since we don't have any evilness in the house... wait, yes we do but he's asleep, there's no one else right now to chase, so all they do is run around after each other in their goofy costumes in the only place they can seem to find, which is my room, screaming at each other "MPG ACTIVATE" and making as much noise as they possibly can, cause GOD KNOWS I DON'T NEED TO SLEEP. Maybe if I turned the program off, they would stop smoking crack and finally go to sleep.. Ok, changing channels...

Much better. Headline News (HLN), formally CNN (or as my father says, Communist Network News) is on. I won't sleep through this either, since it loops every 15 minutes or so and my eyes pop open and my brain says, WHAT DIDN'T I JUST HEAR THIS NOT SO NEWS WORTHY STUFF? Oh yeah, it's been 15 minutes. And now I'm thinking that my computer is a communist, since it totally closed down my FireFox program taking this post with it, but somehow it saved it as published... so here I am getting to add to an already too long and stupid post...

Maybe I should be smoking the crack instead of the kittens. Wish I had a bathtub, I'd let calgon take me away... well, ok since I don't have a tub, I don't have calgon, I'll have to settle for Irish Spring or Olay. Just my luck really.

Oh, no more Power Ranger Smoking Crack Kittens (PRSCK) I think the news ruined their buzz and they've nodded off somewhere, in my room of course, because it's just too easy to walk through a doorway that doesn't have a door closed and seriously find their mother who I think has begun hiding from them. I would too if two PRSCK's wanted to nurse on me all the time, while shouting "MPG ACTIVATE".

Great, now I will probably fall asleep with my light lazered sword while screaming for something to activate and am thankful that both kids are in bed asleep and won't have to ask me if it's a sex toy that I'm talking about but with my luck I'll wake up screaming it out loud and they'll ask me what I am talking about, which means I'll have to put my invisible shield on and whisper to them to go to their rooms cause they are grounded for asking me a question and then the PRSCK's will start up again, because by the time I wake up it'll be bedtime again and I'll be like... "dude I can't sleep again" over here on this thing *tap tap*.

I need milk. Maybe I can sleep now that the PRSCK's are done and the news is on, cause the anchorpeople on HLN have a way of making me zone off with their voices, until it loops back through again...

Does anyone understand now, why up there in my title of this blog, it says, "On the edge of insanity, just don't push" ? Read this post again and you'll get it. Yes, that's me there on the right ---> picturely perfectly insanity. I don't need anyone to push me though, I can do that on my own too, thankyouverymuch. It's not easy being me lately.



Saturday, April 4, 2009

I thought I would...

Do part 2, but it gets hairy or scarey and a bit unbelievable really, a lot to take in but more to put out and I just don't seem to have the energy tonight to go there... so, I'll try again tomorrow. Hey, it may even be worth the wait, not that there'll be talk about crotch rot or strangle sex, cause I'm not as warped as someone else, ok, yes I am but those things aren't in my memories of days gone by long ago, only in the recent memory and now if someone googles strangle sex or crotch rot, they'll find my blog, great.. then I might have to explain it.. and frankly my dear, I'm not sure what I would even say - ok enough of this, sheesh.

I've still got my giveaway going on over at Monday Giveaway seems no one is interested in the pretty bookmark, but I'm going to keep it up for another week and I may add another item to it next monday.

And I've been really bad about getting out the other winners stuff, I blame it on the new dude getting me sick over and over for the last month or so! (hey, it's my blog, I can blame who I want, as long as it's not me, cause I'm blameless dont'cha know!!)

I'm actually going to try and get to sleep early. It's just now 1030p, been chatting with Matt on Skype (man do I miss that dude, I can't wait till work here starts up again and he comes back. Yeah, I know, I tend to have more men friends than women friends, been like that almost always, cause as I've said before, women are brutal, so very brutal and I'm just too old to play into all that drama they cause)... though I am fortunate enough lately to have a couple of women friends who even though I don't get to see them face to face (except one) and mostly the few I've just met from blogging as well as my new old friend finding me, are way cool and not like the other women I have kicked out of my life, I still tend to hang more with men, just is more comfortable for me I guess. Who knows.. life is weird right now...

So, Monday Giveaway will remain open another week, check it out. And I promise to get things in the mail this week, since it's spring break, I don't have to get up at 6am and go back to sleep which shoots my day all to hell from my poor sleeping habits, which I hope to fix during this week coming up.

Ahh and an update. Spoke to Dad on the phone tonight and he sounds more and more like Dad each time I talk to him, which is most awesome in it's own awesomeness way. (heh, there's that word again, it's mine and you can't have it).. He's working his butt off to be here June 12th and I think he's going to do it to! Go Dad!


Friday, April 3, 2009

A blast from the past and more, this one is a dozey of post...Part One of ?

"opening me up to lots of judgement, probably some pain as some old wounds open me a favor though, if you must judge me, do it on your own blog, not in my comments, but really unless you want to walk in my shoes back when...judging me isn't cool"

I'll start with this though.. This blogging stuff is pretty cool. Not only do I get to meet new people... I get to meet old friends as well.

Somehow, one such old friend found me, while reading someone elses blog. How awesome in the land of awesome is that? Frankly, I find it pretty awesomeness, shut up, I can make up words if I want, it's my blog. Aren't you glad I'm not talking about how sick I am (I really think I am allergic to the new dude and he to me, cause he's sick too, the freak) ok, don't get me started on that cause that's not what I want to write about... Her coming into my life has stirred up a ton of memories, not just of how are lives crossed one way, or how they crossed the other way and what happened after that (which has nothing to do with her or her man)

Now, she can correct me if my story is wrong, but I'm going to try and remember back when and how we met.. well, I remember how we met it was on AOL (yesm I am a recovering AOLer *sigh*). In fact if memory serves me right, I think I met him, her him, before her and through him, I met her (right?). And if I also remember correctly, many hers, other hers wanted him and totally disrespected her in ways only women can do, because women are brutal especially when it comes to men and breaking the girl code. What's the girl code you ask? Or is that just my head asking and not you, but that would be strange because my head knows what the girl code is, part of it is, YOU DON'T GO AFTER OTHER WOMENS MEN, no matter what. If she's a friend or not, you just don't do it... well, I don't and most the women I have had contact with do (not all, but more the majority than not, at least in my life). I think that, that is what brought her and I together, I wasn't going after her man and I wouldn't and I think she knew this from the beginning.

I think the year was 1995. They lived on the east coast, where I wanted to be and I lived in Vegas, where they wanted to be and then they came. And we met face to face and we became friends. And I loved having them here, though I still hated being in Vegas. They found a place to live, parked their harley in my backyard and we did what friends do and all that jazz. But, their stay here in Vegas was short lived and they decided to move back to the east. I was jealous, very jealous. They were to return to a place they came from, leaving me behind in a place I was miserable. We said our goodbyes and we kept in touch for a while and then... I'm not sure what happened, other than life on each side of the country happened to all of us. I'm thinking that she had her accident, which she explains briefly on her blog and about that time, I went nuts. Literally went nuts. This is where it gets difficult...

See, in 1996, I lost my mind. I had what was to be the second, but not the last of what I believe was a mental breakdown. I had a 7 year old and a 2 year old, raising them alone, in a home I had bought thinking that my most awesome job was going to remain intact even as we pulled our business out of California which we told the owners doing so would bring our revnue down into the red drastically and if we do that will we still have a job and the reply was, yes...only for them to close down the office 3 months later, giving me and the other woman who ran it with me a half hour to remove our belongings (which we did and removed more than what was ours, shut up, we'd just been screwed, didn't get to cum and we were pissed off).

So, there I was a single mother, my two friends that were basically my only friends here gone, my Uncle living with us OD'd on herion and the police came, followed by my father at 4 in the morning (dad took my Uncle, the police left and my breakdown escalated). And here is where things got odd, where I retreated into myself and quite possibly is the time that I lost contact with my friends that had gone back from where they had come.

After the lose of my job, my Uncle ODing, my friends leaving and other stuff happening I knew I was close to blowing my brains out, and thus I began by begging my father to take the kids so that I could check into a hospital, I knew I was sick and needed 24 hour help. He would take the girl, but the boy he said he couldn't take cause he was just 2. He called my mother, who's never been of help when it came to my kids,or me for that matter and told her that she must take the boy, of course she refused

But someway, somehow he scared her enough that a day (or perhaps she got a motherly bone all the sudden where I was concerned)and or so later she arrived from California with my brother, took a look at me, my house and my kids and proceeded to do things. By doing things, she cleaned my home, took me shopping for food and other needed things, bathed the kids, telling me to take a shower, washed clothes, did things that are very not like my mother, she never took care of me as a child and here she was doing things for me, which pretty much sent me over the edge, gave me that push into complete insanity. All I wanted was for someone to take my kids, keep them safe and let me be insane in a place that knew how to actually take care of me and get me better.

Ok, this is where I stop, since my head keeps nodding off on to my keyboard, making little indentations in my face. Ok, not really about the indentations, but there have been quite a bit of this yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy and this ooooooooooooooooooooooooo and a lot of backspacing, plus since I have a feeling this is going to be a really long story, I should break it up in a few posts, not to mention I can't keep my eyes open, I don't have to normally look at the screen or the keyboard, but all of the sudden my brains gone to mush and the words are coming out of my fingertips really strange... so we will call this post as part 1 of ?


Well.. they did the procedure...

but kept me awake the entire time again because I am I so sick. And this time I didn't feel anything, I suppose because I was so focused on trying not to cough or throw up.

I seem to get sick every time I spend time at new dudes. I spent the weekend there, since I had no kids (and no, we still haven't had sex, so get your minds outta the gutter - it's not going to happen, we don't even talk about it) BUT he does cuddle nice, though he had to because he kept the a/c on and a fan in his room running.. Now we both sleep the same way, our bodies covered with a blanket and our feet sticking out on the other side... but for some reason I was freezing cold (a/c and fan = one freezing Lea) I sleep like that in the summer, a/c and fan, but his a/c seems to work better than mine, not to mention it was something like 30 outside. So I was wrapped up in the blanket and then moved up next to him, who felt like a heating pad, then he threw his leg and arm around me and I was SO warm... but we didn't sleep very long, about 3 hours and then got up ran errands, sat outside talking... around 10p Saturday night he wanted to go play Blackjack at one of the casinos. I was feeling sick by then, but we went and he played. I'm not a gambler, so I watched which was fine for me. We played until almost 5am Sunday morning on 20$! He was up almost 200$ at one time, but it wasn't my place to say anything... just learned a bit more about him.. he likes to gamble. It's his money, not mine... but if he needs to borrow money from me this week, as much as I like him and love being with him, I'll be saying no. And while I'm not keen on lying, my reason will be, I don't have it.. (which really isn't a lie, I do have it but I do need it)

So, even he knows that the a/c and the fan on me those two nights are what got me sick, he even admits it... and feels bad about it.

Today, I'm supposed to go to the market, but the anesthesia kept me up till about 430 this morning, only to have my daughter wake me up at 630 to take her to school. And here I am back in my bed ready to close my eyes and sleep away the day... and there's NO way I'm going out tonight not for karaoke and not over to new dudes. I couldn't go if I wanted to tonight, since the boy is having 2 friends spend the night and I don't like it when I'm not home and he has friends over....

Speaking of the boy. Looked at cable bill yesterday and nearly had a heart attack. Almost 500$ for ONE month... I paid the bill on time last month so I know that it wasn't added to this bill... upon further checking.





ACCORDING TO HIM HE DIDN'T FREAKING ORDER IT! (I DIDN'T order it and I KNOW my daughter didn't order it, I guest the ghost in the house did)

I need to tell him that he will go blind if he masturbates, but I'd rather just gouge out his eyes and for lying to me, cut out his tongue but I think there are laws against doing those things even if it is your own child and he's racked up over 400$ in charges from ordering PORN.

A few years ago, I put a block on the "on demand" version thing that cable offers. I also have no pay stations like HBO or Stars or any of the other ones that you pay extra for. When I blocked the on demand, I thought it also blocked the pay per view. So, I got the porn charges removed, but there are still other pay per view charges that I need to try and have removed. A few movies and some WWE stuff that he loves to watch. And as one of his punishments I also had them remove WWE 24/7, from my regular basic cable bill, which will save me 10$. And as punishment, he gets to stay home Saturday and clean the entire backyard, including filling in the holes to China that my Siberian Husky has been digging trying to escape the backyard. Stupid dog. Sunday, he gets to dig weeds up in the front yard. Grounding him does no good, however if none of this gets done, he'll be one sorry little boy, since next week is Spring Break and if he doesn't do the things he's been told to do, he'll be home all week till it's done - and believe me, he doesn't want to be home, he wants to be out skate boarding with his friends - and I would prefer he was outside playing too. So, we shall see.

Thanks to those of you who left me comments about getting better. Please think positive thoughts that this doesn't turn into pnemonia which I am prone to get once it gets into the bronchitis stage, where it feels like it is now.

Ok, back under my covers with the hope of getting some sleep.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Neck surgery and other stuff

I don't even know if they will do the surgery today, as I am SO sick. Sore throat, aches and pains all over

Ohh, I fell asleep while typing this. My voice is completely gone, I'm SO thirsty, but not suppose to drink or eat anything after midnight last night.

I'm so miserable, I can't even stop crying. I haven't been this sick in so long, it doesn't even compare to that food poisioning I had. I even went so far as to call my sister in Phx and beg her to fly up here, but Dad is getting out of the hospital today (would do the happy dance, but too sick) and my stepmother (her mother) needs her there to help. My stepaunt is there too, but Dad, even though he's dwindled down to near nothing, is still a rather large man, so they need everyone they can get to help his transition from the hospital to his apartment.

I HATE being sick, especially this sick. I feel like I did the last time I had walking pnemonia, which totatlly sucks big eggs.

Can't type anymore, even my finger nails and the top of my fingers hurt.

More, later. Maybe